Friday OT - In-laws

[carvers4math]

I have whined about my MIL here before. When I went back to work after childbirth, she asked how I could let someone else raise my kid. When I stayed home once I had multiple kids, she asked how I could make my husband support us all on one paycheck. Clearly I was in a no-win situation. She told my husband and I that she just didn't love our kids as much as her other grandkids. Seems like a fairly stupid thing to say, although I am sure it was part trying to manipulate us to visit more often and part true. Btw, I have never discouraged a visit, but I did refuse to leave my kids alone with her until they were adults. When one of them was a baby and teething on an electrical cord at her house, her response was "don't worry, he isn't going to hurt the fan."

Her other grandkids who have received "more" of her love have turned out stellar. The twelve year old was referred by a school counselor for therapy and the fifteen year old is preggers and doesn't know which of the guys in juvie for mugging and attempted murder is the baby daddy; mommy and potential daddys all extensive drug users. The eighteen year old alone seems to have turned out ok.

Of my husband's siblings, one brother I love dearly and consider a brother too. I am fine with one sister, the other is loud, arrogant and obnoxious and raised the preferred grandchildren. He has another brother who lives far away and I only know from arrogant Facebook postings discussing how stupid everyone else is and bragging about his workouts. His father is deceased and it is not nice to speak ill of the dead.

 

[cowgirl836]

As much as I adore my MIL, she wants to come visit just a few days after this little guy is born. I don't know how to politely say, "But I don't want to share my newborn," and not sound terrible.

heck, I think I could live with that! I'm just trying to keep them out of the hospital! The first grandchild was a scheduled c-section.......and they were a bit miffed that they had to wait a whole HOUR so that mom could get stitched and you know, see her own child first. I just don't get that "but we need to see this baby right this second no matter the parents' feelings on anything!" Maybe I'll turn into that when I have grandkids, but right now as friends are having babies - I'm like let me know when is a good time for me to stop in for a short visit. Let me know if this food I plan to make is something you want. Let me know if while I am there, there is anything you want me to help with.....I just try to think about what THEY need and THEIR feelings and not just omigod, I want to hold the babiez!

 

[cowgirl836]

I have whined about my MIL here before. When I went back to work after childbirth, she asked how I could let someone else raise my kid. When I stayed home once I had multiple kids, she asked how I could make my husband support us all on one paycheck. Clearly I was in a no-win situation. She told my husband and I that she just didn't love our kids as much as her other grandkids. Seems like a fairly stupid thing to say, although I am sure it was part trying to manipulate us to visit more often and part true. Btw, I have never discouraged a visit, but I did refuse to leave my kids alone with her until they were adults. When one of them was a baby and teething on an electrical cord at her house, her response was "don't worry, he isn't going to hurt the fan."

Her other grandkids who have received "more" of her love have turned out stellar. The twelve year old was referred by a school counselor for therapy and the fifteen year old is preggers and doesn't know which of the guys in juvie for mugging and attempted murder is the baby daddy; mommy and potential daddys all extensive drug users. The eighteen year old alone seems to have turned out ok.

Of my husband's siblings, one brother I love dearly and consider a brother too. I am fine with one sister, the other is loud, arrogant and obnoxious and raised the preferred grandchildren. He has another brother who lives far away and I only know from arrogant Facebook postings discussing how stupid everyone else is and bragging about his workouts. His father is deceased and it is not nice to speak ill of the dead.

I'm terrible, but I laughed. That one line said it all.

 

[SoapyCy]

My parents are a lot different than her parents. I get along with her parents just fine although some of her inlaws annoy me. For mother's day one of them started saying Obama is a Muslim and denies the Holocaust. Her brother asked for proof and the inlaw said "I don't need proof its common knowledge". The daughter and me got up from the table and ate in the other room. I'm not an Obama apologist or into politics but I don't want ignorance in my life.

 

[carvers4math]

My mother came to help a few days after the babies were born and was great. Cooked, did laundry, cleaned, told me I was doing fine. My MIL showed up a few weeks after the babies were born, expected to be waited on 24/7, would try to keep the babies awake so she could keep holding them, and told me I was doing everything wrong.

 

[carvers4math]

My MIL is nuts. The first time I met her she asked me when my last AIDS test was.

Another time I had to pick her up from a car dealership. Her car was being worked on and she needed a ride. So I pick her up and she hands me a loaded magazine for her 9mm pistol. She keeps a gun in her car, so it wasn't a big deal and I knew she couldn't leave it in the car at the dealership. So she goes back to the car to get her gun and comes back into my car. Again, not a big deal at this time, but then she takes the mag, loads in in the pistol and puts one in the chamber. I guess we were gonna do some drive-bys in suburbs or something.

And don't get me started about assorted threats of violence and random lawsuits over the years.

OK she is in competition with mine for the worst.

 

[CycloneErik]

As much as I adore my MIL, she wants to come visit just a few days after this little guy is born. I don't know how to politely say, "But I don't want to share my newborn," and not sound terrible.

Maybe you'll get lucky and the baby solves that. Ours wouldn't eat if there was a whole lot of company, so we forced a lot of isolation time for the first few weeks. Nobody argues with the idea that eating is important.

 

[NATEizKING]

I get along with everyone, only people I know that hates me are my ex, her bf and her family, even 8 years later which is kind of psycho if you ask me.

 

[Angie]

heck, I think I could live with that! I'm just trying to keep them out of the hospital! The first grandchild was a scheduled c-section.......and they were a bit miffed that they had to wait a whole HOUR so that mom could get stitched and you know, see her own child first. I just don't get that "but we need to see this baby right this second no matter the parents' feelings on anything!" Maybe I'll turn into that when I have grandkids, but right now as friends are having babies - I'm like let me know when is a good time for me to stop in for a short visit. Let me know if this food I plan to make is something you want. Let me know if while I am there, there is anything you want me to help with.....I just try to think about what THEY need and THEIR feelings and not just omigod, I want to hold the babiez!

My mom is a little insane about the birth of babies, and was trying to insist on being in the room during our C-section. I explained that the hospital only allowed one support person, and she wanted that to be her for a little while - I squashed that really quickly. When our daughter was born, we texted them to let them know she was here, then we bonded with her for a few hours, fed her, etc. They were then allowed to come up. We'll do something similar this time, except we also want to introduce our daughter to the baby and give them time to bond. So, it will probably be early afternoon before they see him, and my mom's head may explode.

My mother came to help a few days after the babies were born and was great. Cooked, did laundry, cleaned, told me I was doing fine. My MIL showed up a few weeks after the babies were born, expected to be waited on 24/7, would try to keep the babies awake so she could keep holding them, and told me I was doing everything wrong.

I am so impressed you didn't boot her butt out on the front lawn. You were recovering from a major medical event, and she thought that it was just her time to be waited on and hold YOUR newborn? Unh unh. They call it the "fourth trimester" for a reason, newborns need mommy. You are a wonderfully giving daughter-in-law.

 

[Angie]

Maybe you'll get lucky and the baby solves that. Ours wouldn't eat if there was a whole lot of company, so we forced a lot of isolation time for the first few weeks. Nobody argues with the idea that eating is important.

That's a good point - he may just decide that he's not on board with visitors.

 

[EnhancedFujita]

OK she is in competition with mine for the worst.

Yeah, I mean it when I say she's nuts. She has some serious mental issues. She'll be normal for six months and then go off the rocker for six months. At one point we cut her out of our lives for two years after vague threats about showing up at my two-year olds birthday party and shooting myself, my mom, and my dad, but not my brother, cause he didn't like me.

But of course she's weaseled her way back, so I just wait for the inevitable time that she'll lose it again, luckily I think the violent threats are just crazy talk. But then again crazy isn't rational.

The funny thing is that I really like my FIL and they divorced a few years ago. But the dude is a magnet for crazy. His current GF is really nice but I'm pretty sure she is a klepto. We went to Orange Leaf one day and when the staff wasn't looking she took out a ziplock bag and filled it up with scoopfuls of M&M and Reeses without paying.

 

[cyrevkah]

As much as I adore my MIL, she wants to come visit just a few days after this little guy is born. I don't know how to politely say, "But I don't want to share my newborn," and not sound terrible.

We quickly learned that crowds tired Z out and she wouldn't eat, even while still at the hospital. Maybe some sort of "We just want him to acclimate to people/world/living for a few days first" I think if the next one shows up, I am limiting visitors to two at a time and try to limit length of stay.

 

[carvers4math]

I am so impressed you didn't boot her butt out on the front lawn. You were recovering from a major medical event, and she thought that it was just her time to be waited on and hold YOUR newborn? Unh unh. They call it the "fourth trimester" for a reason, newborns need mommy. You are a wonderfully giving daughter-in-law.

I would like to think of myself as a saint, but my silent suffering had the exact effect I wanted. My husband started seeing his mother through my eyes. I didn't really fear my MIL's impact on my newborns, but sure didn't want her emotional blackmail and drama to affect them as they got older the way that it continues to impact her children. It has always been my husband's call when to visit and it thankfully isn't very often.

 

[urb1]

I get along with my in-laws okay. Better than when we were first married. My wife was sent to ISU to bring home a nice, protestant, farmer but instead brings home a Catholic, city-raised engineer, who also happened to knock her up. 33 years later, we're the only of four kids in her family still married to the original spouse. So they like that I stuck around! FIL is quiet, but likes to golf and is a super nice guy if you can get him to open up. MIL drives me a little crazy, but I know how to ignore it.

 

[cyrevkah]

heck, I think I could live with that! I'm just trying to keep them out of the hospital! The first grandchild was a scheduled c-section.......and they were a bit miffed that they had to wait a whole HOUR so that mom could get stitched and you know, see her own child first. I just don't get that "but we need to see this baby right this second no matter the parents' feelings on anything!" Maybe I'll turn into that when I have grandkids, but right now as friends are having babies - I'm like let me know when is a good time for me to stop in for a short visit. Let me know if this food I plan to make is something you want. Let me know if while I am there, there is anything you want me to help with.....I just try to think about what THEY need and THEIR feelings and not just omigod, I want to hold the babiez!

Definitely a good why to go. You should be able to discuss with your nurse when you go in. Let them know you want called before letting anyone in. They should be able to shield you that way... not that it helps with feelings, but it is at least a measure to get some of what you want.

 

[carvers4math]

Yeah, I mean it when I say she's nuts. She has some serious mental issues. She'll be normal for six months and then go off the rocker for six months. At one point we cut her out of our lives for two years after vague threats about showing up at my two-year olds birthday party and shooting myself, my mom, and my dad, but not my brother, cause he didn't like me.

But of course she's weaseled her way back, so I just wait for the inevitable time that she'll lose it again, luckily I think the violent threats are just crazy talk. But then again crazy isn't rational.

The funny thing is that I really like my FIL and they divorced a few years ago. But the dude is a magnet for crazy. His current GF is really nice but I'm pretty sure she is a klepto. We went to Orange Leaf one day and when the staff wasn't looking she took out a ziplock bag and filled it up with scoopfuls of M&M and Reeses without paying.

Maybe the FIL just waits for them to be released from an institution. You are making me feel better about my own dreadful situation. I have a sister-in-law who seems to get her husbands from a prison directory.:laugh:

 

[cowgirl836]

Maybe the FIL just waits for them to be released from an institution. You are making me feel better about my own dreadful situation. I have a sister-in-law who seems to get her husbands from a prison directory.:laugh:

yeah, Fujita is in the lead, I'd say. My grandparents are pretty terrible in-laws (and grandparents, people in general) but they haven't made any public threats of violence (though there were the times they hinted that they'd destroy the farm and indicated that if my mother were to die, that would not be a bad thing) because then outside people may realize that they are coo coo for cocoa puffs, and their image means too much to them.

 

[ImJustKCClone]

Definitely a good why to go. You should be able to discuss with your nurse when you go in. Let them know you want called before letting anyone in. They should be able to shield you that way... not that it helps with feelings, but it is at least a measure to get some of what you want.

Since my only biological children were boys, I always assumed that the "other grandmother" would be the one to help out - most young women don't want to have their mother-in-law hanging over them; they want their own mother helping out (if needed). I also had no desire to be "in the room" when any of my granchildren were delivered. That's a special moment for mom & dad, and they don't need a crowd getting in the way. It took me by surprise when I was called to come help when two of them were born. The other grandmother is a teacher, and she had scheduled leave for the due date, which was five weeks away with the one of them. The other was born when expected, but other grandmother was sick & couldn't be around the newborn. It was a treat to be the first to hold the new ones (although I didn't get to hold the preemie (she was 4.5 lbs and in the NICU). At first I just got to touch her tiny little fingers & toes.

I think most of the other women on here are not yet MILs. It's a very fine line to walk (from my perspective). I get along better with some of my SIL & DIL's than others, but that's simply common interests in action. I try not to interfere...but will give advice WHEN ASKED. I like them most when they are confident and competent partners with my children.

 

[carvers4math]

yeah, Fujita is in the lead, I'd say. My grandparents are pretty terrible in-laws (and grandparents, people in general) but they haven't made any public threats of violence (though there were the times they hinted that they'd destroy the farm and indicated that if my mother were to die, that would not be a bad thing) because then outside people may realize that they are coo coo for cocoa puffs, and their image means too much to them.

So sorry for you. My MIL and one of the sisters in law have a similar phony syndrome. I just don't get it, they treat the people who seemingly would mean the most to them worse than total strangers. The sister in law is all "honey sweetie" with her kids in public, and screaming expletives at them at home. I guess I would rather my family think that I am ok as opposed to people I don't even know, but so many are concerned more about their public image than their actual relationships.

 

[ThatllDoCy]

I am beginning to see that my in-laws may not be the only ones with boundary issues.