Friday OT - In-laws

[cowgirl836]

Since my only biological children were boys, I always assumed that the "other grandmother" would be the one to help out - most young women don't want to have their mother-in-law hanging over them; they want their own mother helping out (if needed). I also had no desire to be "in the room" when any of my granchildren were delivered. That's a special moment for mom & dad, and they don't need a crowd getting in the way. It took me by surprise when I was called to come help when two of them were born. The other grandmother is a teacher, and she had scheduled leave for the due date, which was five weeks away with the one of them. The other was born when expected, but other grandmother was sick & couldn't be around the newborn. It was a treat to be the first to hold the new ones (although I didn't get to hold the preemie (she was 4.5 lbs and in the NICU). At first I just got to touch her tiny little fingers & toes.

I think most of the other women on here are not yet MILs. It's a very fine line to walk (from my perspective). I get along better with some of my SIL & DIL's than others, but that's simply common interests in action. I try not to interfere...but will give advice WHEN ASKED. I like them most when they are confident and competent partners with my children.

your first part is exactly what I hope my MIL will realize (she also only had sons). It's not a purposeful slight to prefer my own mother be closer during that time - it's just about the level of comfort. I'm not even sure that my husband quite gets it yet (well, if your mom can be there, why can't mine?) but I have told him that the day he becomes pregnant and delivers our children, he will absolutely get to call the shots on who he wants to have near him and when he wants them to be there! I hope I can remember to keep your attitude when I get to that point in my life!

 

[cowgirl836]

So sorry for you. My MIL and one of the sisters in law have a similar phony syndrome. I just don't get it, they treat the people who seemingly would mean the most to them worse than total strangers. The sister in law is all "honey sweetie" with her kids in public, and screaming expletives at them at home. I guess I would rather my family think that I am ok as opposed to people I don't even know, but so many are concerned more about their public image than their actual relationships.

I recently sent these to my mom - my armchair psychologist "a-ha" moment - you may find some of this interesting as well.

http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html http://www.lightshouse.org/the-narcissistic-parent.html#axzz2zTcDu219

http://www.lightshouse.org/things-narcissists-do.html#axzz2zTcDu219

http://www.lightshouse.org/things-narcissists-say.html#axzz2zTcDu219

 

[cyhiphopp]

My in-laws only live 45 minutes away, and with us having their only grandchild, that is way too close. Not to mention, it's like my MIL has totally forgotten how to raise kids. When our son was a little over 2, she stopped at McDonalds and got him shamrock shake because "he wanted one". I'm pretty sure a 2 yr old has no idea what a shamrock shake is.

Our son also has a peanut allergy, which they spent the early morning hours in a hospital for, and yet she still continued to leave peanut M&M's and such things lying around their house. I think we scolded them enough about it so they are better now.

Numerous times we've had to tell her that he HAS to stay in his car seat when the car is moving, and each time she says "Well, we didn't have car seats when you were young." That's great, but unless you want to go to jail, he needs to stay in his car seat.

I know there are more "horrible child rearing" stories, but I can't remember them all.

I won't get into my FIL who is an absolute control freak, but he at least knows how to tell our son "no." They've helped us a few times, which we are gratefull for, but most of the time, we are both relieved when they go back home.

My mom is like that. Whatever didn't kill me or my siblings must be just fine for my kids. Seriously mom.

 

[wartknight]

Love my MIL, but as she lives with cancer for the 4th time, I always chuckle to myself when she does something with my kids or feeds them junk food and says "It didn't hurt me"
Also she never puts sunscreen on my kids (or herself) and tells my wife it didn't hurt her when she was younger. Now in her 30's my wife is constantly having moles removes

 

[SaraV]

I will start this by saying I love my husband's mother, stepfather, brothers, their wives, his grandparents, his stepbrothers, and his aunts/uncles/cousins. I like his father too...

BUT! (Knew that was coming?)

I'll just cut to the chase. My MIL and stepMIL do not get along. MIL is very type B personality, while step is very type A. When my youngest SIL graduated from college, and we were at the post-grad party at her parents' house, even her family could feel the tension between the two.

This interaction caused my SIL to ask, when they were expecting their daughter, if there was a possibility to throw two separate showers. My stepMIL would be invited to the one in Sioux Falls where the SIL lives(the stepMIL lives in northern MN), and then my MIL and myself would throw one down here in DSM. I was in charge of invitations...didn't send my stepMIL one since she was going to the other shower.

Fast forward a month and a half from the showers to the end of May. Check the mail, and there's the Mother's Day card we sent to stepMIL with "Return to Sender" on it. Come to find out she did the same with the other SIL (not the one we threw a shower for), who had nothing to do with the planning of the DSM shower. My FIL received calls from his two oldest sons about that, and not surprising, had no clue that that had happened. The youngest son then had to call and clear up the "confusion". Gah.

TL;DR - StepMIL sent back Mother's Day card because she wasn't invited to one of the two baby showers thrown for my SIL.

 

[ImJustKCClone]

One son got married in Newton at the conference grounds where he & his wife met. We were doing all kinds of combinations of pics before the wedding. Son wanted: 1) a pic of father, stepmother, brother & him; 2) a pic of him, his brother, his mother & stepfather, and all the step siblings, 3) one with his father, mother and brother with no steps, and a humungo shot of his entire family, warts & all. We were doing fine with the first pic, second went great...

Third pic, stepmother pitches a fit about HER husband standing next to THAT woman (our sons were inbetween us, but oh well), well, she just wasn't going to TAKE that. She marched out the door and headed for the highway. My ex had the car keys...I think she intended to walk all the way back to Ames. Ex & the minister went after her. Needless to say, we were all done taking pics that day. By the way...MY hubby's reaction to the fit she pitched? He was laughing his tail off over in the corner, and it was all I could do to not join him. If I hadn't been worried about spoiling my son's day, I probably would have.

 

[Cyclonin]

Don't see eye to eye with the MIL, FIL is a good guy, but we don't communicate too much. My parents seem to treat me more and more as a child the older I get. It's pretty frustrating. I know when the kids come into play, it's going to be messy with the "visitation" rights.

When we got married, both parents (a little more blame on mine) had terrible communication and soured their relationship for good probably. It was a complete mess, and although the actual day/night was fun, the stress of getting there was not even close to worth it, should have eloped.

That all being said, I was an only child, so I understand my parents. I grew up with my dad as a coach, and in the last year or so realize that is why we have the relationship we do. He was a good dad and we get along great, but in the years where the relationship grows, he was part coach, part dad. Up until recently, I always thought I wanted to coach my kids too, now I don't think I do (I am a licensed soccer coach, and will continue to coach, just not my eventual child).

The MIL is one of the most stubborn people I know. This became very apparent during the wedding. I do give her a little break. She had a great life/friends/etc in Cedar Rapids, but when the economy went down in '08 they had to move for FIL's job to Dayton. She became very stubborn and negative after that.

My parents are in DSM and have never left Iowa (not that there is anything wrong with that) and I guess had somewhat assumed that would be me too. Well the wife had other ideas and we have since moved to Dallas and don't have any plans of coming back. So it has been an adjustment for them.

I appreciate hearing other's stories, its always interesting.

 

[coolerifyoudid]

My FIL was a great guy. Born and raised in China, came to the US dirt poor and was a self-made man that provided for his family. He died about 6 years ago. I could listen to him talk for hours. MIL has a great heart, but has a real love for drama, which is the anti-me. There are no mole hills in that woman's life, only mountains. Once I figured that out, things became much easier.

My sister and brother in-laws on my side are cool as hell. I got really lucky that my sibs picked well. My inlaws on my wife's side are pretty cool for the most part. They have no financial sense or responsibility, though. Tough to watch 30 and 40 year olds gouge their mother for money like her money is their birthright. If I want to get my wife mad, all I have to do is bring that up. Zero to homicidal in 1.2 seconds

 

[MaccloNe]

no problems ever for 30 years, but they are both dead now.

 

[jdoggivjc]

Basically my in-laws like me more than they like their own daughter, and my parents like my wife more than they like me.

And that's why it works...

 

[00clone]

I get along great with my mother and father in law, perhaps better than my own parents at times. They do live in AZ, though.

I'm going to be brutally honest, though, for the people who have in-laws with boundary issues that aren't resolved...that's not an in-laws problem, that's a spouse problem.

Not to get all bibley, but even if you don't believe in the bible, that definition of marriage is key on in laws:

a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife

When interacting with my parents, my wife only has to say one thing and I handle the issue. Same thing with her family and me. We both love both sets of parents, but in the hierarchy of "no matter what I do, someone's going to be upset" my spouse's happiness comes before my parents, every time, unless she's being unfair or irrational.

 

[Angie]

I get along great with my mother and father in law, perhaps better than my own parents at times. They do live in AZ, though.

I'm going to be brutally honest, though, for the people who have in-laws with boundary issues that aren't resolved...that's not an in-laws problem, that's a spouse problem.

Not to get all bibley, but even if you don't believe in the bible, that definition of marriage is key on in laws:



When interacting with my parents, my wife only has to say one thing and I handle the issue. Same thing with her family and me. We both love both sets of parents, but in the hierarchy of "no matter what I do, someone's going to be upset" my spouse's happiness comes before my parents, every time, unless she's being unfair or irrational.

"Leave and cleave." Great advice. And it's a good thing to quote to shut up parents-in-law who try to do the "honor thy mother and father" b.s. to pull rank over a spouse.

 

[jdoggivjc]

"Leave and cleave." Great advice. And it's a good thing to quote to shut up parents-in-law who try to do the "honor thy mother and father" b.s. to pull rank over a spouse.

And those parents need to be taught/reminded that honor =/= obey. Because we're not talking about teenage children here (in most circumstances).

 

[enisthemenace]

Been with my wife for 12 years, married for 10. I have always gotten along well with the FIL. We play golf, drink a few beers, etc.

MIL? Now that is a different story. We are pretty good now, but it definitely took a while. When my wife and I had our first child is when it was the worst. Not when we announced we were pregnant (MIL was thrilled by that), and not right away after birth. It started going downhill when my first daughter was about 2 - 3.

We just view the world differently. MUCH differently. I probably don't need to elaborate on what that means, but let's just say I don't need anyone telling my child 'who' they should be. It was something I witnessed when I started dating my wife, in that I felt a sense of intimidation there, but that wasn't my place to get involved, and my wife was/is an adult. When it was my child, who doesn't know any different, it caused some tension. After a few years, I think the MIL understood that I wasn't going to be intimidated, and it eventually eased up.

As mentioned, we are 'fine' now, but it hasn't always been a smooth road and probably never really will be. That's OK though, because I feel like we understand each other better, and have both accepted it (for the most part) :smile:

 

[coolerifyoudid]

I get along great with my mother and father in law, perhaps better than my own parents at times. They do live in AZ, though.

I'm going to be brutally honest, though, for the people who have in-laws with boundary issues that aren't resolved...that's not an in-laws problem, that's a spouse problem.

Not to get all bibley, but even if you don't believe in the bible, that definition of marriage is key on in laws:



When interacting with my parents, my wife only has to say one thing and I handle the issue. Same thing with her family and me. We both love both sets of parents, but in the hierarchy of "no matter what I do, someone's going to be upset" my spouse's happiness comes before my parents, every time, unless she's being unfair or irrational.

You nailed that. You always should have your spouse's back versus the parents. Be respectful, but remember who you sleep next to.....amongst other things.

My wife and I feel the same way about disciplining our daughter. Even if one of us is irrational, the other one backs them up. It's better to hash out differences in opinions afterwards than to let your kid think they can play one against the other.

 

[CascadeClone]

My in-laws are OK one at a time, but in large groups it can be pretty awful. They get all dysfunctional when they get together. But one on one is fine, they are pretty cool. My BIL is a Cyclone and we go to some of the bball games together and have a good time. He may be reading this!

Both my MIL and FIL are in really horrible health, and only late 60s. Can't really do much anymore. Turns out smoking is really bad for you, who knew! Get along OK with both, now, but it took a while. I wouldn't say we are close, but friendly. Just not much in common to talk about. I do really like the FIL, he's in a rough way now, but he has a very sly sense of humor, always full of ****, and the most compassionate man I ever met. Not the smartest, the richest, or the most successful, but compassionate. Wife (and all her siblings) will be just totally destroyed when he passes.

 

[cowgirl836]

I get along great with my mother and father in law, perhaps better than my own parents at times. They do live in AZ, though.

I'm going to be brutally honest, though, for the people who have in-laws with boundary issues that aren't resolved...that's not an in-laws problem, that's a spouse problem.

Not to get all bibley, but even if you don't believe in the bible, that definition of marriage is key on in laws:



When interacting with my parents, my wife only has to say one thing and I handle the issue. Same thing with her family and me. We both love both sets of parents, but in the hierarchy of "no matter what I do, someone's going to be upset" my spouse's happiness comes before my parents, every time, unless she's being unfair or irrational.

absolutely agree.

 

[ImJustKCClone]

absolutely agree.

With you both on that one.

 

[Sousaclone]

Man, this thread makes me glad that I'm single!

I do know that my sister and her MIL don't get along well at all. The list of things that her MIL has done are just mind boggling. Nutty things off the top of my head:

- Taking her son (my nephew) as a <1 yr old while she was babysitting to the class she taught at UVA so all her students could see her grandson, without telling my sister.
- Trying to turn my sisters wedding into a 300 person high society social event when my sister wanted a 100 person wedding. I think there were almost as many people at the rehearsal dinner as there were at the actual wedding and reception. The rehearsal dinner might have been fancier.
-Almost MISSING my sisters wedding (which the FIL was supposed to officiate, he's a judge). Wedding was at 6:00, pictures starting at 4:30, I think they showed up at 5:50. The MIL was so overwhelmed with emotions about her only son getting married that she just couldn't face it (without a bunch of scotch in her).
-The FIL is pretty laid back and seems to be decent however. My other sisters in laws are pretty decent folks. The one sister in law and her kids are a different story.


The other thing that boggles my mind in this thread is the newborn thing. When my oldest sister (not the one above), had her first it seemed like everyone on both sides understood the unwritten rules. First day my parents went to the hospital (after talking to my sister) for like 30 minutes max. Same with the other side of the family. Second day, the rest of us swung by (and brought my sister pizza which she requested), and again were in and out in less than 30 minutes. Seems like it's common sense.

 

[cowgirl836]

Man, this thread makes me glad that I'm single!

I do know that my sister and her MIL don't get along well at all. The list of things that her MIL has done are just mind boggling. Nutty things off the top of my head:

- Taking her son (my nephew) as a <1 yr old while she was babysitting to the class she taught at UVA so all her students could see her grandson, without telling my sister.
- Trying to turn my sisters wedding into a 300 person high society social event when my sister wanted a 100 person wedding. I think there were almost as many people at the rehearsal dinner as there were at the actual wedding and reception. The rehearsal dinner might have been fancier.
-Almost MISSING my sisters wedding (which the FIL was supposed to officiate, he's a judge). Wedding was at 6:00, pictures starting at 4:30, I think they showed up at 5:50. The MIL was so overwhelmed with emotions about her only son getting married that she just couldn't face it (without a bunch of scotch in her).
-The FIL is pretty laid back and seems to be decent however. My other sisters in laws are pretty decent folks. The one sister in law and her kids are a different story.


The other thing that boggles my mind in this thread is the newborn thing. When my oldest sister (not the one above), had her first it seemed like everyone on both sides understood the unwritten rules. First day my parents went to the hospital (after talking to my sister) for like 30 minutes max. Same with the other side of the family. Second day, the rest of us swung by (and brought my sister pizza which she requested), and again were in and out in less than 30 minutes. Seems like it's common sense.

the thing about common sense is that it doesn't appear to be too common.........especially where grandchildren are concerned!