Welcome to the new weekly series: Why your town sucks. Twice per week I'll highlight one of the bland, dangerous, or outright worthless towns in Iowa.
Some people love where they're from. Here's why they shouldn't.
Your Town: Coralville. Population 22,318 (+18% from 2010)
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Coralville is for people who think Iowa City is too liberal. Biden only won Coralville by 55%, so it's slacking for Johnson County. If you like living in the "majestic rolling hills" of Iowa, but not rich enough to afford
houses designed to look like the unwashed toilet bowl that is Kinnick Stadium, this place is for you. Whether you want a chain restaurant or a chain big box store, you're in hog-heaven here. Home to both rich people and poor people, Coralville is the bland surburban town for everyone.
Your County: Johnson County. Population 152,854 (+17% since 2010)
One of the few counties that is growing in Iowa, Johnson County is home to the Iowa Hawkeyes, rent assistance fraud, and a hospital parking ramp that local residents use as a porta-potty during football game tailgating. Johnson County residents think they are smarter than other Iowans, but they're just thinner. Probably from all the cocaine available from the Chicago-suburb transplants that pay $30,000/year to learn how to write real good.
Your High School: Iowa City West and Clear-Creek Amana.
Iowa City West is for the kids of professors and multiple racist
social media posts. Though they've won multiple state championships in basketball, tennis, and soccer, much like their collegiate counterparts at U of Iowa, their football team hasn't won anything major in their students' lifetimes. Girls end up going to Iowa to study journalism or marketing and boys go to Iowa to drink and eventually burn through their parents' trusts funds on Old Style and Black & Milds.
Clear Creek - Amana is so meaningless they had to combine multiple towns to come up with a district name. If your school has a hyphen, it's not worth mentioning. Located in Tiffin, and much like the education you'll get here, it has a driveway that
leads nowhere.
Your college: Obviously, Kirkwood Community College. The home to cosmotology students and the finest welders in the area, Kirkwood is the main source of fandom for the Iowa Hawkeyes. A walk through the sprawling campus will show Chicago Cubs tshirts, Hawkeye hats, and Let's Go Brandon bumber stickers.
Your mayor: John Lundell. John looks like a nice-enough guy. What makes him look smart is his official portrait. A red tie and yellow I on his lapel. A real Cyclone at heart, sly enough to fool the rubes in Coralville.
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Your elected representative: Mariannette Miller-Meeks. Three M's is better than three K's. Although who knows...
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Your industries: Retail, hotel accomodations, and Kirkwood professors. A real who's who of capitalism. Klein Quarry is just outside city limits. A $15 minimum wage would probably double the household income in Coralville. The mall isn't going to staff itself.
Famous People: Nate Kaeding. Nate was a kicker for the local college and somehow got drafted into the NFL. If you dream hard enough, you too can find a ticket out of this suburban wasteland. Nate made 53% of his field goals in the playoffs. If that was a batting average he'd be the best to ever play the game. Unfortunetly, 53% for a kicker is awful. Just like his hometown.
What's new that sucks: Auburn Ridge subdivision. If your wife wants a "custom home" that looks like every other house in Johnson County, except for a different shade of
granite quartz countertop, this is the place for you. Barn doors and shiplap? Maybe. A white floor-to-ceiling coat/backpack cubby in the entryway? You betcha! The standard three car garage is perfect for your husband's Ram 1500 and boxes of woodworking equipment he'll never use. According to the website, "Auburn Ridge's builders' experienced notoriety is hard at work designing memorable and trendsetting homes." Uh huh.
What has always sucked: The Coralridge mall (seen here in true 1998 colorvision) Home to both Auntie Anne's Pretzels and AT&T, this center of early 2000's fun has been a staple here since 1998. Just about the last time Iowa City West mattered in football.
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What doesn't totally suck: Costco. The only retail store along this soulless stretch of middle America that pays its workers decently. If your "custom home" needs TP, a backyard playset that your kid will use for 6 weeks and then forget about, or 14 roast chickens, this is the place. The liquor is so cheap here even Kirkwood students can afford it. Hooray, Costco!
