Friday OT #1 - Open Mouth, Insert Foot

[Angie]

Thanks so much to @kentkel for this one! What are your funniest Freudian slip stories, or horribly inopportune misspeaks? I've probably got 5000 of them on CF alone. :-|

 

[jbhtexas]

A few years ago my wife and I were visiting my sister and her family for Christmas. For some reason we (adults and kids) decided to do a sing-along with old rock-and-roll songs. The kids are older, so they are familiar with "older" songs. It's Still Rock and Roll to Me came up on the playlist. We were all singing along, and right on cue, when we got to the lyrics "even if it's old junk", I looked at my wife and gave her two finger points on the words "old junk". I have no idea why I did that...I wasn't planning it...everyone broke into uncontrolled laughter for a few minutes.

 

[throwittoblythe]

I come from a very small town in Iowa. There are many words and phrases used in a place like that which are highly inappropriate in a more urban setting. However, since everyone says them, growing up you have no idea how bad they are. Here's my example from working at my first job after college in Omaha:

Me: Hey Ben, where's Steve at today?
Ben: Why would I know that?
Me: Well, you guys are butt buddies, so I figured you would know.
Ben: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!

It ended with him educating me on what the phrase implied and me apologizing profusely.

 

[cowgirl836]

Few years ago a former coworker came in for some contract work and I was saying hi and such - she was visibly pregnant with her third child. I had known she was preg from FB but didn't realize her due date was coming up so quickly. Asked how long she had left and she was something like 7+months. Again, I was just surprised how quickly time had gone (thought she was like 5 months) and what should have come out of my mouth was an expression of that. Instead, I said something to the extent of "wow, I can't believe you're so big already!" Instant regret. I'll never forget her facial expression of "da fuq did you just say?" I tried backpedaling but good God why did my brain do that. She was NOT overly big, btw. Perfectly normal. So much cringe thinking back on that.

 

[SCyclone]

In college I dated a girl from Badger, IA (@Angie, @jcyclonee, others will know where this is) and her parents were going out of town for the weekend. We were looking forward to having their house all to ourselves.

Friday evening, I pulled into their driveway and the car was gone. I walked in the door and loudly said, "Where are you? Get naked, cuz I'm ready to ****!" A few seconds later, her Mom walked out of the kitchen.....I wanted to die. The dad had taken the car downtown to gas it up before they left.

Her mother never said a word to me about it (nor told the dad, either, I guess)....she must have really liked me.

 

[Clonefan32]

I was texting my wife one night asking her if she cared if I went to trivia with my friends that night (insert man card joke). Anyway, for some reason my text that was intended to say "Do you care if I do trivia tonight" went through as "Do you care if I do Tricia tonight". Tricia just so happens to be the name of my secretary. Whoops.

 

[cycloner29]

We had a meeting to discuss our health benefits a couple of year ago with a human resources gal from our health care provider. The gal looked very pregnant, when one of our sales guys goes, "So when are you expecting?" Everyone in the room kinda looked at each other like "did he just really say what I thought he said?" In front of a gal that was in human resources? I just had a Snickers as "I just needed to get away for awhile," after that one.

 

[abe2010]

@ISUser , remember telling me to get my extra large gf off the extra large shirt pile? i've never seen you run so fast.

 

[cyhiphopp]

In college I dated a girl from Badger, IA (@Angie, @jcyclonee, others will know where this is) and her parents were going out of town for the weekend. We were looking forward to having their house all to ourselves.

Friday evening, I pulled into their driveway and the car was gone. I walked in the door and loudly said, "Where are you? Get naked, cuz I'm ready to ****!" A few seconds later, her Mom walked out of the kitchen.....I wanted to die. The dad had taken the car downtown to gas it up before they left.

Her mother never said a word to me about it (nor told the dad, either, I guess)....she must have really liked me.

Maybe mom was DTF and hoping you were talking to her?

 

[jcyclonee]

I'd been working at my first job out of college for maybe 6 months. A co-worker that had left on maternity leave brought in her baby one day.

"Your baby is really cute. He has such great skin. So tan." Yes. Her husband was black and I didn't know it.

 

[jcyclonee]

In college I dated a girl from Badger, IA (@Angie, @jcyclonee, others will know where this is) and her parents were going out of town for the weekend. We were looking forward to having their house all to ourselves.

Friday evening, I pulled into their driveway and the car was gone. I walked in the door and loudly said, "Where are you? Get naked, cuz I'm ready to ****!" A few seconds later, her Mom walked out of the kitchen.....I wanted to die. The dad had taken the car downtown to gas it up before they left.

Her mother never said a word to me about it (nor told the dad, either, I guess)....she must have really liked me.

She probably didn't trust her own ears. "No way the son of that nice pastor talks that way."

 

[Clonefan32]

In college I dated a girl from Badger, IA (@Angie, @jcyclonee, others will know where this is) and her parents were going out of town for the weekend. We were looking forward to having their house all to ourselves.

Friday evening, I pulled into their driveway and the car was gone. I walked in the door and loudly said, "Where are you? Get naked, cuz I'm ready to ****!" A few seconds later, her Mom walked out of the kitchen.....I wanted to die. The dad had taken the car downtown to gas it up before they left.

Her mother never said a word to me about it (nor told the dad, either, I guess)....she must have really liked me.

You're a better man than me. I woulda been out that door, never to be seen again.

"Whoops, I didn't park my car here".

Open door. Run.

 

[SCyclone]

Maybe mom was DTF and hoping you were talking to her?

I would have.

(Well, if I hadn't been dating her daughter, that is. )

 

[JM4CY]

Maybe mom was DTF and hoping you were talking to her?

I was totally gonna post a similar comment. You worded it with much more class. Thank you for the laugh.

 

[drlove]

I was in the car listening to a post-game of a basketball game (not the Cyclones) when the color-commentator made the following statement about a key play.

"After they (the two players) locked eyes, he knew it was OK to go back door".

 

[cycloner29]

Biology 109 back in '86 in an auditorium behind Parks Library. I was hungover and sitting in the balcony. Instructor was talking about reproduction talking about the birds and the bees, when this gal sitting in the front row goes, "Why does it taste so salty?" She was a serious as could be. You could have heard a pin drop after she said that. I heard few OMGs after that. The instructor had to excuse class for the rest of the day and a couple guys next to me were going "I wonder what her number is?"

That's all I have for today.

 

[cyhiphopp]

I was totally gonna post a similar comment. You worded it with much more class. Thank you for the laugh.

Wow, rarely am I referred to as classy. Nice. Now I'm curious how you would have worded it.

 

[throwittoblythe]

This story is funny because this person is now one of my best friends. I first met her when she and I worked at the same company right out of college. She is gay, but didn't openly share that about herself. Again, me being from a small town and super naive led to some very awkward conversations, given 20/20 hindsight.

When we first met, I noticed she was wearing a wedding band (though this was before gay marriage was legal so it was symbolic). The conversation went like this:

Me: "So is your husband here with you? Has he found a job yet?"
Her: "Oh, I'm not married."
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry, I meant your fiance. Has he found a job yet? What does he do?"
Her: "I don't have a fiance."
Me, now very confused: "So, you're living here alone?"
Her: "I just live with a friend"
Me: "So, is your boyfriend going to move here at some point?"
Her: "Nope, I'm just living with a friend."

I walk away very confused by this whole thing. Then find out a few weeks later she's gay and realize how big of an idiot I was.

 

[MeanDean]

My old boss was the king of malapropisms.

We had one female engineer in the group. He, I think, in meeting intended to say to her, "It's nothing to get worked up about." Instead he said, "It's nothing to get knocked up about."

 

[Al_4_State]

Foot-In-Mouth Disease is rampant in my family.

When I was home from ISU one summer, a bunch of buddies and I were at a party in Mason City (one of our friends went to NIACC and was staying for the summer). Everyone there was from the same high school, except for us (it was a school within our conference, so everyone had played sports against each other). Me, my brother, and another buddy are standing outside when a guy approaches us. Conversation is as follows:

Guy: Where are you guys from?

Me: (Insert name of home town)

Guy: Cool. Weird question - who was the biggest skank in _________?

Me/friends: ( after some deliberating on the topic) Hannah Krause (not her actual name)

Guy: Why was she such a skank?

Me: I dunno; she screwed about anyone, had a train run on her by a bunch of sophomores when she was a senior. Eventually got knocked up by a guy from ____________ and he left her with the kid.

Guy: Oh, I'm from ___________ too. Do you know who it was?

Me: No clue. He must have been a real piece of **** to knock her up and leave her with the kid.

Guy: (pulls a knife out and raises his voice) I'M THAT PIECE OF ****. I know I set you guys up for it, but if you don't get the **** out of here, I'm going to cut you!

Us: <Staring blankly>

Guy: <waving knife> I'M SERIOUS! GET THE **** OUT OF HERE!

So we ran. Monday morning, we ran into Hannah Krause, as she was the clerk at the gas station where we get coffee. As we check out she goes "so, I heard you ran into my ex this weekend".