Friday OT #1 - Open Mouth, Insert Foot

[urb1]

My wife snickers at least half a dozen times watching either basketball or football games because of phrases from the commentators that could be misconstrued. Mostly the back door or somebody is getting handsy type comments. My wife sometimes has a very juvenile and dirty mind, not that I'm complaining.

My wife has suggested a game where we drink every time we hear commentators say things that can be misconstrued.

 

[oldman]

Buddy of mine in college was at his girlfriend's apartment one weekend; her roommate had left for home. They were going at it, and being quite vocal, when they heard the door slam. Roomie had forgotten a couple items.

 

[jcyclonee]

Buddy of mine in college was at his girlfriend's apartment one weekend; her roommate had left for home. They were going at it, and being quite vocal, when they heard the door slam. Roomie had forgotten a couple items.

So roomie joined in?

 

[oldman]

When I lived in the dorms, we always had a "quote of the week" vote. I remember one where these roommates went bowling and "kept grabbing each other's balls from behind."

 

[Cyclones_R_GR8]

I knew someone that died from Leukemia. I ran into his parents and the last time I had seen them was the funeral. I asked how the other son was. He had gotten leukemia and died as well. Needless to say I wanted to just shrivel up and disappear. They could tell and handled it very well.

 

[cyhiphopp]

So roomie joined in?

 

[drlove]

I've posted this one before, but it's one in a long line of idiotic mistakes. Janny describes me as "innocent to an inappropriate degree" - I don't think about the negative connotations of things. Anyway:

So, we were going to Django for our anniversary with my best friend and her husband. These poor souls have seen me make an ass out of myself at dinner many a time. One time I pronounced jicama as "Juh-cah-muh." Another I asked the waitress what a caper tasted like (this was before I'd realized what they were, even though I'd had them before), and she said "salty bud," but I misheard her and asked, "Did you just say they taste like a 'salty butt'?" The point of that backstory is to explain that they realize that I can be a total fool.

Anyway. We walk in the front door, and they have a sandwich-style sign announcing that the featured dessert that night was a "chocolate hazelnut creme brulee." Janny is the cook in our house, so he explained to me as we walked in that it was code for Nutella creme brulee (I have a big ol' Nutella boner in general), but that they couldn't really say Nutella.

Alex, our waiter, is coming to take our order, and tells us the specials. He talks about the minced lamb entree, the garlic mushroom appetizer, and then he got to the desserts. It went sort of like this:

Alex: "And for dessert, we have a delicious chocolate hazelnut creme brulee."

Me, leaning in and half-whispering: "OH, is that with the N-word... that we're not supposed to say?"

Alex (his eyes huge): "...Uh... er..."

Janny and friends: [choke on their beers]

Me (realizing that I said something fairly terrible on accident, but not yet mathing out what, so struggling to make it better quickly): "You know, the one that rhymes with 'Schmutella'?"

That really didn't clear things up for poor Alex, so Janny jumped in and explained that he had told me it was a facsimile of Nutella. Alex kindly half-laughed and went on to describe the dessert as "airy and light." I figured I should just double-down and try and make it better with a joke, so I laughed and said, "Did you just say 'Aryan light'?"

Janny gave about a 30% tip that night.

I've posted this one before, but it's one in a long line of idiotic mistakes. Janny describes me as "innocent to an inappropriate degree" - I don't think about the negative connotations of things. Anyway:

So, we were going to Django for our anniversary with my best friend and her husband. These poor souls have seen me make an ass out of myself at dinner many a time. One time I pronounced jicama as "Juh-cah-muh." Another I asked the waitress what a caper tasted like (this was before I'd realized what they were, even though I'd had them before), and she said "salty bud," but I misheard her and asked, "Did you just say they taste like a 'salty butt'?" The point of that backstory is to explain that they realize that I can be a total fool.

Anyway. We walk in the front door, and they have a sandwich-style sign announcing that the featured dessert that night was a "chocolate hazelnut creme brulee." Janny is the cook in our house, so he explained to me as we walked in that it was code for Nutella creme brulee (I have a big ol' Nutella boner in general), but that they couldn't really say Nutella.

Alex, our waiter, is coming to take our order, and tells us the specials. He talks about the minced lamb entree, the garlic mushroom appetizer, and then he got to the desserts. It went sort of like this:

Alex: "And for dessert, we have a delicious chocolate hazelnut creme brulee."

Me, leaning in and half-whispering: "OH, is that with the N-word... that we're not supposed to say?"

Alex (his eyes huge): "...Uh... er..."

Janny and friends: [choke on their beers]

Me (realizing that I said something fairly terrible on accident, but not yet mathing out what, so struggling to make it better quickly): "You know, the one that rhymes with 'Schmutella'?"

That really didn't clear things up for poor Alex, so Janny jumped in and explained that he had told me it was a facsimile of Nutella. Alex kindly half-laughed and went on to describe the dessert as "airy and light." I figured I should just double-down and try and make it better with a joke, so I laughed and said, "Did you just say 'Aryan light'?"

Janny gave about a 30% tip that night.

The joke in the last line is good comedic delivery.

 

[EnhancedFujita]

Presented with out context, I once told some coworkers "If anyone is gonna fist my wife, its gonna be me."

 

[cyfanatic13]

Presented with out context, I once told some coworkers "If anyone is gonna fist my wife, its gonna be me."

Now I’m trying to figure out what the hell context this could even be used in that it’s not weird

 

[SCyclone]

Buddy of mine in college was at his girlfriend's apartment one weekend; her roommate had left for home. They were going at it, and being quite vocal, when they heard the door slam. Roomie had forgotten a couple items.

Paging @BCClone

 

[SCyclone]

We were watching an ISU BB game at my Mom's and the announcer was talking about "good ball movement". Mom goes, "Why are they talking about bowel movements on TV?"

 

[VeloClone]

A co-worker was making phone calls at a previous job. He was returning a call from a woman named Deborah. He asks for Dee-BOR -Ah, like three times before someone on the other end figures out who he wants. BTW, his mother's name is Deborah.

I think probably everyone has heard the Mike Hunt jokes* before. I used to have a client named Matt Hunt. I was having a very busy day dealing with another client's stuff but knew I needed to call him so I quickly called him and asked his receptionist, "Mike Hunt, please." She said, "What?" I repeated "I need to speak to Mike Hunt." She was silent for a moment and then said, "There is no one by that name here." I then realized my mistake and sheepishly said, "Sorry, I mean Matt Hunt." I'm pretty sure she could hear me turning red over the phone.


*If not think of Bart Simpson calling Moe's and asking for Mike Hunt. Moe then hollering around the bar, "Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?" You get the idea.

 

[Angie]

The joke in the last line is good comedic delivery.

I love that you get me.

 

[cycloner29]

Buddy of mine in college was at his girlfriend's apartment one weekend; her roommate had left for home. They were going at it, and being quite vocal, when they heard the door slam. Roomie had forgotten a couple items.

Roomie and girlfriend on the couch under our loft. I was 3/4 way asleep or bordering on an alcohol induced sleep session and heard some groans. Woke up the next morning as our lofts ran the length of the room and saw a naked girlfriend with Roomie on the couch below. Some things you just can't unsee. BTW- would not, as she had been making rounds.

 

[CascadeClone]

Has anybody else aver had this conversation when you're in a new relationship?

Me: "Hey Jane, do you want to go to dinner?"
Girlfriend: "My name's not Jane. I'm Sue."
Me: "I know that. Sorry."
Girlfriend: "Jane's your old girlfriend, isn't she?"
Me: "yes"
Girlfriend: "I think I'll pass on dinner."

*Note: The conversation was very real but the names have been changed

Recently divorced and dating again... CAN CONFIRM.

 

[SCyclone]

OK, this isn't quite on topic, but some other posts made me think of this. Spending the night at a buddy's in high school, and I was sleeping in the basement, all by myself. At some point my buddy's brother and his girlfriend came down, not knowing I was there. So eventually I hear the unmistakable sound of a girl performing oral sex. Suddenly he says "Ouch!"

OMG. Hardest thing I've ever done in my life, keeping from laughing out loud. I knew if they knew I had heard them, they would have been mortified......

 

[NickTheGreat]

Has anybody else aver had this conversation when you're in a new relationship?

Me: "Hey Jane, do you want to go to dinner?"
Girlfriend: "My name's not Jane. I'm Sue."
Me: "I know that. Sorry."
Girlfriend: "Jane's your old girlfriend, isn't she?"
Me: "yes"
Girlfriend: "I think I'll pass on dinner."

*Note: The conversation was very real but the names have been changed

Life pro tip: Use pet names:

Want to go to dinner babe? See you later sweetie pie!

 

[SayMyName]

I've posted this one before, but it's one in a long line of idiotic mistakes. Janny describes me as "innocent to an inappropriate degree" - I don't think about the negative connotations of things. Anyway:

So, we were going to Django for our anniversary with my best friend and her husband. These poor souls have seen me make an ass out of myself at dinner many a time. One time I pronounced jicama as "Juh-cah-muh." Another I asked the waitress what a caper tasted like (this was before I'd realized what they were, even though I'd had them before), and she said "salty bud," but I misheard her and asked, "Did you just say they taste like a 'salty butt'?" The point of that backstory is to explain that they realize that I can be a total fool.

Anyway. We walk in the front door, and they have a sandwich-style sign announcing that the featured dessert that night was a "chocolate hazelnut creme brulee." Janny is the cook in our house, so he explained to me as we walked in that it was code for Nutella creme brulee (I have a big ol' Nutella boner in general), but that they couldn't really say Nutella.

Alex, our waiter, is coming to take our order, and tells us the specials. He talks about the minced lamb entree, the garlic mushroom appetizer, and then he got to the desserts. It went sort of like this:

Alex: "And for dessert, we have a delicious chocolate hazelnut creme brulee."

Me, leaning in and half-whispering: "OH, is that with the N-word... that we're not supposed to say?"

Alex (his eyes huge): "...Uh... er..."

Janny and friends: [choke on their beers]

Me (realizing that I said something fairly terrible on accident, but not yet mathing out what, so struggling to make it better quickly): "You know, the one that rhymes with 'Schmutella'?"

That really didn't clear things up for poor Alex, so Janny jumped in and explained that he had told me it was a facsimile of Nutella. Alex kindly half-laughed and went on to describe the dessert as "airy and light." I figured I should just double-down and try and make it better with a joke, so I laughed and said, "Did you just say 'Aryan light'?"

Janny gave about a 30% tip that night.

You had me at "big ol' Nutella boner"

 

[BCClone]

Paging @BCClone

Maybe oldman was my college roommate, or oldman is female and her boyfriend was.

 

[oldman]

Maybe oldman was my college roommate, or oldman is female and her boyfriend was.

I can assure you that you can eliminate this one.