Iowa State has been a bit of a punching bag on the internet lately, and I'm getting a little sick of it. One of the things I love about Iowa State is the fanbase's realistic expectation, general class, "honor before victory" etc. But I realized something lately. I'M not classy. I'm petty & vindictive. So this post begins a 12 part series, breaking down ISU's opponents in no particular order (well, loosely based on how strongly I dislike their team & how easy it is to make fun of them).
I AM READY TO UNLEASH THE FURY!!! (liberal use of caps lock & poor grammar to follow)
Ugh, Nebraska. They are the absolute worst at what they do. There is no more self-aggrandizing, arrogant, petulant football team in the NCAA (including Notre Dame). A quick rundown of their many, many failures:
Their fans:
Wow, you've been a season ticket holder for life? Started going to games in your mom's womb? Named your son Osborne and daughter Devaney, huh? I guess that's cool, especially since THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO DO IN NEBRASKA! When the choice of what to do on Saturday is go watch football or see if you can teach the cows to communicate with the corn, you're going to have a large fanbase. But look Nebraska, when you fly flags at half-mast when your football team loses a game, you have a serious problem. It's no longer a game, it's a religious cult.
And admittedly Nebraska, you had a pretty good run in football. But how long ago was it that you could say you were truly dominant? Eight years? Wow, that kid who was born when you last contended for a national title is now in third grade. For comparison's sake, ISU also made a pretty good run at the NCAA basketball title the year before. Compare the two fanbases today. Then lock yourself in a closet and cry.
Their mascot:
Hands down, worst mascot(s) in the nation. 15 years ago, they decided one creepy bobblehead wasn't enough to lead the crowd in canned cheers, so they introduced an even CREEPIER prepubescent androgyne named Lil' Red. Is Nebraska trying to capture the elusive pedophile demographic?
D'oh! That's your mascot, Nebraska!
The arrogance:
Oh god, the arrogance. When you fire a coaching staff that goes 9-3 and wins a bowl game, you're asking for ridicule. Many teams would kill for that season on a regular basis. But since Solich was replacing the annointed one (see photo above), annual trips to January bowl games just don't cut it. You'd think the Callahan calamity would bring the Huskers back to earth. Nope.
Running up the score:
Tom Osborne, what happened to you as a small child? Did your dad punch you in the head repeatedly when you lost a game of foursquare? Did your mom withhold food for a week after you got a B- on a report card? WHY THE HATE FOR THE OPPONENT? Obviously Tom used football to work out some deeply repressed issues, and felt the need to keep firing touchdown bombs when the score is 73-10. This is what sociopaths do.
The current coach:
Look, much has been made of the fact that Bo Pelini has some simian qualities. I'm not here to make fun of Pelini for looking like a baboon.. Genetics are funny like that, and everyone is stuck with the face they're born with. But Pelini is stupid not to use this to his advantage. How much more fired up would the Huskers be if his pregame speech was 15 minutes of nothing but guttural shouts, chest thumping, and feces-flinging? Hell, for all I know, it already is.
"I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!"
Of course, there's so much more to make fun of Nebraska about, this is just a hate-filled start.
Tomorrow: Kansas State
I AM READY TO UNLEASH THE FURY!!! (liberal use of caps lock & poor grammar to follow)
Ugh, Nebraska. They are the absolute worst at what they do. There is no more self-aggrandizing, arrogant, petulant football team in the NCAA (including Notre Dame). A quick rundown of their many, many failures:
Their fans:
Wow, you've been a season ticket holder for life? Started going to games in your mom's womb? Named your son Osborne and daughter Devaney, huh? I guess that's cool, especially since THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO DO IN NEBRASKA! When the choice of what to do on Saturday is go watch football or see if you can teach the cows to communicate with the corn, you're going to have a large fanbase. But look Nebraska, when you fly flags at half-mast when your football team loses a game, you have a serious problem. It's no longer a game, it's a religious cult.
And admittedly Nebraska, you had a pretty good run in football. But how long ago was it that you could say you were truly dominant? Eight years? Wow, that kid who was born when you last contended for a national title is now in third grade. For comparison's sake, ISU also made a pretty good run at the NCAA basketball title the year before. Compare the two fanbases today. Then lock yourself in a closet and cry.
Their mascot:
Hands down, worst mascot(s) in the nation. 15 years ago, they decided one creepy bobblehead wasn't enough to lead the crowd in canned cheers, so they introduced an even CREEPIER prepubescent androgyne named Lil' Red. Is Nebraska trying to capture the elusive pedophile demographic?
D'oh! That's your mascot, Nebraska!
The arrogance:
Oh god, the arrogance. When you fire a coaching staff that goes 9-3 and wins a bowl game, you're asking for ridicule. Many teams would kill for that season on a regular basis. But since Solich was replacing the annointed one (see photo above), annual trips to January bowl games just don't cut it. You'd think the Callahan calamity would bring the Huskers back to earth. Nope.
Running up the score:
Tom Osborne, what happened to you as a small child? Did your dad punch you in the head repeatedly when you lost a game of foursquare? Did your mom withhold food for a week after you got a B- on a report card? WHY THE HATE FOR THE OPPONENT? Obviously Tom used football to work out some deeply repressed issues, and felt the need to keep firing touchdown bombs when the score is 73-10. This is what sociopaths do.
The current coach:
Look, much has been made of the fact that Bo Pelini has some simian qualities. I'm not here to make fun of Pelini for looking like a baboon.. Genetics are funny like that, and everyone is stuck with the face they're born with. But Pelini is stupid not to use this to his advantage. How much more fired up would the Huskers be if his pregame speech was 15 minutes of nothing but guttural shouts, chest thumping, and feces-flinging? Hell, for all I know, it already is.
"I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!"
Of course, there's so much more to make fun of Nebraska about, this is just a hate-filled start.
Tomorrow: Kansas State
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