Any Recently Divorced CF'ers?

[MeanDean]

The guy is just reaching out for real life divorce experiences so he doesn't feel like he's plowing new ground and maybe can help emotionally gain some perspective from others who have lived it and got out the other side.

Yeah, it's the internet, but after so much time, sometimes this feels like a real "CF" family.

Now go back to calling me old and making fun of me for sitting during part of the basketball game, will ya?

 

[ISUCyclones2015]

ISUCyclones2015 is a twenty-something college student, so he knows everything.

The Internet is a medium, and just like TV or books or any other means of transmitting information, it has its limitations. Anonymity, bias, the difficulty of verifying information, and so on are just a few.

 

[Cyclonic1]

Do you have children who are minors? I think you need to think long and hard about what's in the best interest of your children before you file for divorce. Think about the example you are setting for them.

I feel sorry you are in this situation, but as hard as it is, try to think about the ramifications on your children. Be selfless and think of them first.

That's just my two cents.

Children already know if there is constant tension between Mom & Dad. And children do best when their parents are happy - either married, single or remarried. I'm a gay guy but was one of those children so I have some experience

 

[cyrocksmypants]

Children already know if there is constant tension between Mom & Dad. And children do best when their parents are happy - either married, single or remarried. I'm a gay guy but was one of those children so I have some experience

Agree with this. As a child of divorce, I knew my parents would be better off apart by about the age of 8.

 

[00clone]

The guy is just reaching out for real life divorce experiences so he doesn't feel like he's plowing new ground and maybe can help emotionally gain some perspective from others who have lived it and got out the other side.

Yeah, it's the internet, but after so much time, sometimes this feels like a real "CF" family.

Now go back to calling me old and making fun of me for sitting during part of the basketball game, will ya?

Plowing new ground may be one of the perks of his divorce.

:wink:

 

[Rabbuk]

The guy is just reaching out for real life divorce experiences so he doesn't feel like he's plowing new ground and maybe can help emotionally gain some perspective from others who have lived it and got out the other side.

Yeah, it's the internet, but after so much time, sometimes this feels like a real "CF" family.

Now go back to calling me old and making fun of me for sitting during part of the basketball game, will ya?

How does changing your adult diaper during a bball game work? :spinny:

 

[DevilDog]

I went thru a divorce a couple years ago & it wasn't easy but things are so much better now. She tried to get me to go counseling for years & I refused. I finally decided to go & she didn't hear what she wanted to hear from counselor & never wanted to go again.

 

[TXCyclones]

Is she stable mentally?

From a kid with divorced parents perspective. My parents divorced when my sister was 16 and she ran away for a year. Literally. Dropped out of HS and then left. Cops couldn't find her but she would call every once in a while and say she was okay. Never got the full story about what happened during that year but the divorce was a huge blow to an already unstable person.

She is as stable as a 16 yo can be. Again, she's a really good kid and I'm trying to talk to her as much as possible w/out using her as my "rock". Being an only child comes w even more pressure for her, and sadly her mom is not all that reasonable but she gets that.

 

[mustangcy]

I can't understand why you wouldn't just tough it out two more years? Your daughter is 16 and wants to go to ISU, why not just smile, enjoy life, enjoy the last two years you'll have with your daughter and if things are still bad after your daughter leaves for school then do what you have to do? I guess I'm glad I'm not in this situation and can't fully relate but it doesn't make sense why you would put your daughter through something like this while she is still home when you can just a wait a few years? Who knows, maybe a few years is all you need to get through a rough patch, maybe you could find more time to spend with your wife? Take more vacations with her...that sort of thing. Every single marriage has bad years, good years and everything in between. Maybe your just in a rough patch? Anyway, good luck, probably no right answers.

 

[northernclone]

If there is no violence then you owe it to your daughter to work like heck to figure it out. Maybe you have... but my suggestion... work harder and more diligent. One can say all they want that kids "know" and are "resilient" and "they want you to be happy"... but in the end that is B.S. They WILL get messed up with a divorce. Oh, sure...some will say it worked out great, but that is because the alternative was a crappy parent marriage. I get that. FIX THE MARRIAGE. You and your wife made a commitment years ago to get married and have a child. If you are unhappy, I'm sorry...but my gosh... you say you care for your daughter, yet you are not going to continue to work on your marriage at all costs for her because you're tired of trying or don't think it will help??? Sounds pretty darn selfish to me. I don't get it it. No way is your daughter happier with a divorced set of parents. Sure, you may be messing up her life now because you and your wife are not getting along. That, my friend, is your problem to solve. Don't make it her problem to deal with.

You said one important thing... You said your wife wants counceling now...and yet you're not sure if you should go because you're unhappy? Huh??? Dude, you sound like a very loving and caring dad. So, I don't get why you would not pursue fixing the marriage at all cost and with all effort...not for you or your wife, but for your daughter. Yes, that may mean you are unhappy for a while longer. Chose your daughter's happiness over yours a bit longer. Figure it out.

I'm very sorry for you. I don't mean to come across crass. My take is all about living with decisions adults have made and figuring it out for the ones that did not make the decision...your daughter. B.S. you can't make it work. Unless there is abuse in the relationship...make it work.

Now for the softer gentler side (haha)...I will pray for your marriage and daughter. I hope you have and will continue to pray as well.

Don't misread my post as saying you should deal with it and be unhappy for the rest of your life. Yes, I think there is a degree of that in my message (for your daughter), but in reality it's about getting you to sit down in the solitude of your most quiet moments...and ask yourself..."Is divorce the ONLY recourse? Is there absolutely NO CHANCE to make it work.

If you are asking the question you are asking on a discussion board, my guess is you feel there is some unfinished work out there but are hoping for someone to help you make the decision easier. Sorry, I simply can't make your decision to give it up easier for you. Nowhere did you state abuse (physical or verbal). So, look your daughter in the eye... and go to counseling with your wife. It certainly sounds like there is some unfinished business out there. Oh, sure I have no doubt you've really, really tried and have been really unhappy. That saddens me. Please try harder... for you, your wife and especially for your daughter

It's not important if she wasn't previously , but now you state your wife is open to counseling. Walking away from a marriage and introducing your daughter to a life of split parents and weekends here and there...when your partner is open to counseling sounds like "your issue". Be a father...and be a MAN of courage, love and conviction and take your wife's hand and lead her to counseling.

You state your daughter understands and wants you to be happy. Let me ask you this...What would she rather hear you say..."your mom and I have given up and are getting a divorce." or "your mom and I are going the fight like heck to make this work and we'll do whatever it takes to make us whole again, and this is what we are planning to do....then tell her what you'll do to make it work" Talk is cheap. So, then you'll need to go out and do it.

I TRULY wish you the best and will keep you...your daughter...and your wife in my prayers tonight. I real will.

 

[cyrocksmypants]

If there is no violence then you owe it to your daughter to work like heck to figure it out. Maybe you have... but my suggestion... work harder and more diligent. One can say all they want that kids "know" and are "resilient" and "they want you to be happy"... but in the end that is B.S. They WILL get messed up with a divorce. Oh, sure...some will say it worked out great, but that is because the alternative was a crappy parent marriage. I get that. FIX THE MARRIAGE. You and your wife made a commitment years ago to get married and have a child. If you are unhappy, I'm sorry...but my gosh... you say you care for your daughter, yet you are not going to continue to work on your marriage at all costs for her because you're tired of trying or don't think it will help??? Sounds pretty darn selfish to me. I don't get it it. No way is your daughter happier with a divorced set of parents. Sure, you may be messing up her life now because you and your wife are not getting along. That, my friend, is your problem to solve. Don't make it her problem to deal with.

You said one important thing... You said your wife wants counceling now...and yet you're not sure if you should go because you're unhappy? Huh??? Dude, you sound like a very loving and caring dad. So, I don't get why you would not pursue fixing the marriage at all cost and with all effort...not for you or your wife, but for your daughter. Yes, that may mean you are unhappy for a while longer. Chose your daughter's happiness over yours a bit longer. Figure it out.

I'm very sorry for you. I don't mean to come across crass. My take is all about living with decisions adults have made and figuring it out for the ones that did not make the decision...your daughter. B.S. you can't make it work. Unless there is abuse in the relationship...make it work.

Now for the softer gentler side (haha)...I will pray for your marriage and daughter. I hope you have and will continue to pray as well.

Don't misread my post as saying you should deal with it and be unhappy for the rest of your life. Yes, I think there is a degree of that in my message (for your daughter), but in reality it's about getting you to sit down in the solitude of your most quiet moments...and ask yourself..."Is divorce the ONLY recourse? Is there absolutely NO CHANCE to make it work.

If you are asking the question you are asking on a discussion board, my guess is you feel there is some unfinished work out there but are hoping for someone to help you make the decision easier. Sorry, I simply can't make your decision to give it up easier for you. Nowhere did you state abuse (physical or verbal). So, look your daughter in the eye... and go to counseling with your wife. It certainly sounds like there is some unfinished business out there. Oh, sure I have no doubt you've really, really tried and have been really unhappy. That saddens me. Please try harder... for you, your wife and especially for your daughter

It's not important if she wasn't previously , but now you state your wife is open to counseling. Walking away from a marriage and introducing your daughter to a life of split parents and weekends here and there...when your partner is open to counseling sounds like "your issue". Be a father...and be a MAN of courage, love and conviction and take your wife's hand and lead her to counseling.

You state your daughter understands and wants you to be happy. Let me ask you this...What would she rather hear you say..."your mom and I have given up and are getting a divorce." or "your mom and I are going the fight like heck to make this work and we'll do whatever it takes to make us whole again, and this is what we are planning to do....then tell her what you'll do to make it work" Talk is cheap. So, then you'll need to go out and do it.

I TRULY wish you the best and will keep you...your daughter...and your wife in my prayers tonight. I real will.

Again, being a child of divorce, I can say that kids who have parents that stay together just for the sake of the kids are usually the most miserable kids.

Now, I've previously posted that I think he should give the counseling a chance, but if that didn't work, staying in a miserable relationship just for "the sake of the child" will only make the child just as miserable as the parents.

 

[Jambalaya]

Do you have children who are minors? I think you need to think long and hard about what's in the best interest of your children before you file for divorce. Think about the example you are setting for them.

I feel sorry you are in this situation, but as hard as it is, try to think about the ramifications on your children. Be selfless and think of them first.

That's just my two cents.

And the couples having another baby to 'save' their marriage is equally insane.

Hey, I have seen divorces end up with each on the rebound--wife already has boyfriend and gets married w/in year, so ex-husband finds anyone with a pulse and gets married too.

Then there are 4 sets of grandparents, 4 parents, and a tremendous amount of guilt and one-upmanship to see which side spoils the kids more. truly hilarious to watch.

win/win if you're one of the kids @ christmastime

 

[TXCyclones]

If there is no violence then you owe it to your daughter to work like heck to figure it out. Maybe you have... but my suggestion... work harder and more diligent. One can say all they want that kids "know" and are "resilient" and "they want you to be happy"... but in the end that is B.S. They WILL get messed up with a divorce. Oh, sure...some will say it worked out great, but that is because the alternative was a crappy parent marriage. I get that. FIX THE MARRIAGE. You and your wife made a commitment years ago to get married and have a child. If you are unhappy, I'm sorry...but my gosh... you say you care for your daughter, yet you are not going to continue to work on your marriage at all costs for her because you're tired of trying or don't think it will help??? Sounds pretty darn selfish to me. I don't get it it. No way is your daughter happier with a divorced set of parents. Sure, you may be messing up her life now because you and your wife are not getting along. That, my friend, is your problem to solve. Don't make it her problem to deal with.

You said one important thing... You said your wife wants counceling now...and yet you're not sure if you should go because you're unhappy? Huh??? Dude, you sound like a very loving and caring dad. So, I don't get why you would not pursue fixing the marriage at all cost and with all effort...not for you or your wife, but for your daughter. Yes, that may mean you are unhappy for a while longer. Chose your daughter's happiness over yours a bit longer. Figure it out.

I'm very sorry for you. I don't mean to come across crass. My take is all about living with decisions adults have made and figuring it out for the ones that did not make the decision...your daughter. B.S. you can't make it work. Unless there is abuse in the relationship...make it work.

Now for the softer gentler side (haha)...I will pray for your marriage and daughter. I hope you have and will continue to pray as well.

Don't misread my post as saying you should deal with it and be unhappy for the rest of your life. Yes, I think there is a degree of that in my message (for your daughter), but in reality it's about getting you to sit down in the solitude of your most quiet moments...and ask yourself..."Is divorce the ONLY recourse? Is there absolutely NO CHANCE to make it work.

If you are asking the question you are asking on a discussion board, my guess is you feel there is some unfinished work out there but are hoping for someone to help you make the decision easier. Sorry, I simply can't make your decision to give it up easier for you. Nowhere did you state abuse (physical or verbal). So, look your daughter in the eye... and go to counseling with your wife. It certainly sounds like there is some unfinished business out there. Oh, sure I have no doubt you've really, really tried and have been really unhappy. That saddens me. Please try harder... for you, your wife and especially for your daughter

It's not important if she wasn't previously , but now you state your wife is open to counseling. Walking away from a marriage and introducing your daughter to a life of split parents and weekends here and there...when your partner is open to counseling sounds like "your issue". Be a father...and be a MAN of courage, love and conviction and take your wife's hand and lead her to counseling.

You state your daughter understands and wants you to be happy. Let me ask you this...What would she rather hear you say..."your mom and I have given up and are getting a divorce." or "your mom and I are going the fight like heck to make this work and we'll do whatever it takes to make us whole again, and this is what we are planning to do....then tell her what you'll do to make it work" Talk is cheap. So, then you'll need to go out and do it.

I TRULY wish you the best and will keep you...your daughter...and your wife in my prayers tonight. I real will.

This is based on having gone through divorce yourself? I'm simply curious of your basis for your opinion.

 

[ISUCubswin]

Go to counseling.

Worst that can happen is you find out you need a divorce - which is already the situation we're in.

Best that can happen is you two fall in love for each other again.

Rooting for ya, man.

 

[ISUCubswin]

Really what I'm taking from this thread is that CFers are really into porn and cat gifs, but I didn't need a thread to tell me that.

 

[cowgirl836]

if it's truly unfixable, don't stay together just for your daughter. That's the worst thing you could do. All the tension, any passive-aggressive comments, and other poor examples of how a marriage should go (how can I say this without sounding so judgey?) will be noticed by and ingrained into your daughter. Even if she recognizes that you shouldn't make snide comments to your partner; we are humans who learn by example. That's the part that messes up children of divorce. If she's a well-adjusted 16 year old and you've been discussing this with her, she'll be ok.

In this situation, you need to do what will be best for your happiness in the long run. Don't stay together just for your daughter.


*disclaimer, not divorced or child of divorce.

 

[CycloneYoda]

Great timing. My divorce was finalized June 2nd. Okay, it was horrible at first. It was a mess. Then something happened. We started communicating like normal people. Amazing how I lost my wife and regained a great friend. Staying together would have destroyed our children, ages 6 and 2. It would have made us bitter. I don't have any regrets at this point. Together we were toxic, apart we are great. A divorcee decree regarding visitation is just a piece of paper for idiots who can't figure it out on their own. No, I don't have a legal 50/50 split, but they stay with me about 50% of the time. We meet places. I eat at the house sometimes, she eats here. My daughters so proud to have two houses. It hit her hard at first, like massive change is known to do. But guess what? If neither parent uses a child as a weapon, the children become accustomed to their new life as well. Once both sides lose the desire to point the finger, it becomes amazing. We took the kids to IC Jazz Fest together. We ate as a family, danced as a family, and were happy. And the only reason we can pull this off is because at the end of the night, we dont have to live together.

Never stay together in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children. They will learn that bickering, silent hostility, yelling, and sleeping apart is normal. Happiness is what should be normal, not hostility.

 

[BigCojones]

I got divorced in 2010. I felt a lot like you but I had 2 kids and was going to stick it out. Thank goodness I didn't.
The 1st year was rough but after that things have been awesome. I joined match.com and had more sex then I could handle. Ended up meeting the most amazing women that I have tons in common with through a friend.
Life is awesome now. Might even get married again when I thought for the last 3 years no way in hell am I doing that again.

 

[CycloneYoda]

Staying together for the children is by far the dumbest thing one could do. Kids leave the house, then what? You are stuck with each other out of your prime. As for counseling, it may work for some if there is a shred of love left. When there isn't, as in most cases, it sounds like a huge waste of resources and time.

 

[Clonefan94]

Rub your nuts on all her belongings on the way out.

so basically rub your nuts on everything. Even stuff you thought was yours.