Any Recently Divorced CF'ers?

[CapnCy]

4. Stay in marriage... work like heck to make it work. Work more to make it work. Continue to work hard to make it work. Sacrifice. Stop fighting in front of the kids. Make kids happier.

Been reading this thread...obviously a lot of variables involved...but I'd think to why you originally got married. It's easy to forget that when "life" keeps happening (jobs, stress, etc), but a therapist may be able to re-center that with you guys. Now, if the foundation of the marriage wasn't strong (met and moved quickly to marriage) it could be more difficult. People do change both for better and worse, too.

 

[CycloneYoda]

4. Stay in marriage... work like heck to make it work. Work more to make it work. Continue to work hard to make it work. Sacrifice. Stop fighting in front of the kids. Make kids happier.

5. Stay unhappy. Quit fighting and live in cold comfort instead. Work hard, really hard, at just keeping the peace, hoping that one day that jetliner makes direct impact on the family homestead while you are at work.

 

[mj4cy]

I don't even know what to say for advice other than I wish you and your family the best no matter what happens. Divorces can't be easy on anyone.

 

[CYCLNST8]

My folks got divorced when I was 14. My brother and I were relieved. They used to keep us up late with fighting.

The only struggle I had was seeing them with other people. They moved on pretty quickly, & I was like WTF? That's the only advice I could give: try to be sensitive about introducing any new love interests to your children.

 

[BKLYNCyclone]

Great timing. My divorce was finalized June 2nd. Okay, it was horrible at first. It was a mess. Then something happened. We started communicating like normal people. Amazing how I lost my wife and regained a great friend. Staying together would have destroyed our children, ages 6 and 2. It would have made us bitter. I don't have any regrets at this point. Together we were toxic, apart we are great. A divorcee decree regarding visitation is just a piece of paper for idiots who can't figure it out on their own. No, I don't have a legal 50/50 split, but they stay with me about 50% of the time. We meet places. I eat at the house sometimes, she eats here. My daughters so proud to have two houses. It hit her hard at first, like massive change is known to do. But guess what? If neither parent uses a child as a weapon, the children become accustomed to their new life as well. Once both sides lose the desire to point the finger, it becomes amazing. We took the kids to IC Jazz Fest together. We ate as a family, danced as a family, and were happy. And the only reason we can pull this off is because at the end of the night, we dont have to live together.

Never stay together in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children. They will learn that bickering, silent hostility, yelling, and sleeping apart is normal. Happiness is what should be normal, not hostility.

As a child of divorced parents (I was 3 and my brother was 1 when they divorced), it is really important that you do what Yoda is doing. Divorce sucked, but frankly, my brother and I didn't know any better, and but for less than a handful of incidents, my parents always did their best to communicate and be civil with each other. They didn't speak poorly of each other in front of my brother and I ever. And my mom could have said a lot about my father but didn't. That being said, my dad also drove down to pretty much every single school event I ever had, and he lived 2 hours away. You'll have to work harder at being a parent, but it is definitely possible to make it work.

Finally, if you're miserable and fighting all the time, it's best to make the change. I still remember the fight my parents had before the divorce... I was just a toddler at the time but it's pretty much seared into my memory... I also remember my dad saying goodbye when he moved out and me telling him not to go or he'd break my heart... This isn't light stuff, so as long as you take it seriously, you'll all be good. My wife's parents waited to get a divorce until they had an empty nest, and they can't even be in the same room still 10 years later...

 

[CycloneYoda]

My ex-wife's parents divorced when she was 25, and her brother was 22. For almost 8 years, count them, 8 freakin' years, we had to endure her mother bad mouthing her ex-husband any chance she could get. She made it a spectacle. He didn't say a word. He remarried and kept his mouth shut. On May 30th, a few days before my divorce was final, i had agreed to give up the kids for the weekend because their grandma was in town. That night after my daughter's dance recital, my ex-wife called and asked we if i wanted the kids due to the fact that her mother was reacting in a toxic manner towards the entire situation. My Dad's wife went so far as to ask if she could see my decree. We are have our hands full keeping the grandparents in line. They are a different breed.

 

[ImJustKCClone]

4. Stay in marriage... work like heck to make it work. Work more to make it work. Continue to work hard to make it work. Sacrifice. Stop fighting in front of the kids. Make kids happier.

This advice is only valid if BOTH parties are trying. Otherwise, at what point do you quit subjugating yourself to the demands of the other party?

 

[Clonefan32]

I could walk around NYC all day asking people if they are divorced an had received marriage counseling. Which would take an extreme amount of time to get any relevant information.

OR

I can go to the internet and get relevant information basically instantly

Sorry, I'm a little late to the party, but are you seriously suggesting this poor guy use the opinions of a bunch of anonymous people to make one of the biggest decisions in his life rather than asking known, trusted people for the same? You do realize that a majority of the language on this website is varying attempts to get someone else to click a "thumbs up" button, right?

Surely the OP has friends, family, etc. that know far more about your situation than any of us do. These people would know your wife, know the dynamics, knowing your kids if you have any, etc. They will give you advice geared at your best interests, not getting someone to click the thumbs up sign.

 

[snowcraig2.0]

Two words: Dirty Sanchez.

 

[00clone]

Two words: Dirty Sanchez.

This is the kind of thing that salt and pop make you do, isn't it?

 

[TXCyclones]

Sorry, I'm a little late to the party, but are you seriously suggesting this poor guy use the opinions of a bunch of anonymous people to make one of the biggest decisions in his life rather than asking known, trusted people for the same? You do realize that a majority of the language on this website is varying attempts to get someone else to click a "thumbs up" button, right?

Surely the OP has friends, family, etc. that know far more about your situation than any of us do. These people would know your wife, know the dynamics, knowing your kids if you have any, etc. They will give you advice geared at your best interests, not getting someone to click the thumbs up sign.

Again, my original question asked if anyone here has gone through this recently and what their experience was. I don't have any friends or family who I can ask about that. A lot of family who has stayed in it for the kids, or because it's what they feel they're supposed to do who have ended up miserable. And their misery is palpable. But none who have recently gone through a divorce in the past 5 or so years.

Some have asked why on earth I'd go to an anonymous internet board to ask. It's pretty simple. While I don't likely know anybody on here personally, just the fact that we all went to ISU, and are generally midwesterners with similar sensibilities lends to this board being more than just a group of anonymous people. I'd take people's advice here (or not) far sooner than a board geared toward folks from NYC or LA. The basic anonymity is great here, but the backgrounds are very much related.

Thanks for the input.

 

[cycloneworld]

Is your marriage fixable ie. did you just grow apart or was their an "incident" that broke the marriage? I'm with the others and say why not at least try counseling. Worst case, you end up divorced which you are already clearly thinking about. Best case, something clicks and you can repair your marriage.

But if she did something that's unforgivable in your mind, then it may be an uphill battle. But why not at least try?

 

[mdclone]

Judging from your original post I'd say you have already made the decision, you are just trying to get yourself through it. I can understand that, even if you have every reason in the world to divorce, that kind of radical change in the direction of your life is VERY tough to do. At least it was for me and I had plenty of reasons to get divorced. I wasn't happy in our marriage and then she cheated. I knew deep down there was no way the marriage could go on, but it still took me quite a while to finally force the divorce and it devastated me for a long time afterwards. I had my life all planned out and the desire to hold on to the plan was much stronger then I realized. There was also an overwhelming feeling of failure for me that I had a hard time dealing with. Getting a divorce felt like admitting defeat and that I was a failure at life. None of that is the way you should look at it, just wanted to give you some honest feedback on the way I felt going through it.

 

[GTO]

Man, some of the posters here make it seem like there is no point to keeping a family whole... As many have said, it really depends on the particular situation that you are going through. I'm a child of divorced parents. It was painful. Stepfather was also gone after about 13 years. There is no way having divorced parents (no matter how civil) is EVER better than having both loving parents in the same household.

I think as a society, many of us (not all situations are the same, of course) see divorce as something more the norm than being married to the same person your whole life. Many people go into marriage not thinking this is a lifetime commitment (evident by the rise in pre-nuptial agreements). Marriage is HARD. It definitely has its up and downs. You might think that your partner has changed, does things that annoy you, etc. From our own point of view, we are always right; but we have also changed through the years and we most likely also do things that drive our spouse crazy.

I resent my parents to this day because I never felt they made a concerted effort to compromise and work on their marriage. They are both very selfish people and it shows in everything they do to this day. I love them because they are my parents, but I have learned what not do do from watching their relationships and hope I am a better father and husband.

As someone else already mentioned. Unless there is something that happened that makes you feel it is irreparable (infidelity, etc), you don't want to feel that you left without trying everything, if both of you are wholeheartedly feeling like you want to give it a shot. You also have to agree not to badmouth, make derogatory comments, etc in front of your daughter (my parents were horrible at this and made us part of all their arguments - sucked). If possible, forgive, forget, and start new. Once you've exhausted all resources, you'll have the answer you need to make your decision. Once you've felt you've done everything you could, you will not ask us for advice. You will have no doubts about the decision you've made.

 

[TXCyclones]

Is your marriage fixable ie. did you just grow apart or was their an "incident" that broke the marriage? I'm with the others and say why not at least try counseling. Worst case, you end up divorced which you are already clearly thinking about. Best case, something clicks and you can repair your marriage.

But if she did something that's unforgivable in your mind, then it may be an uphill battle. But why not at least try?

There was infidelity, ultimately by both of us. Her first, and it went on for several years. I didn't know at the time as it didn't come out until I ultimately admitted to my own. I used my suspicion as my excuse for my own, which was a lie I'd told myself. Our counseling was first centered around this and then moved to begin dealing with our real issues, which is when she quit going. I thought I wanted to keep things together in order to keep my daughter near. I cannot continue to keep up the illusion. We were advised to fake it until we make it. I've faked it far too long. Thank you all for your input. I'm embarrassed at my failure in many ways. It's time for me to grow up. Thanks again.

 

[temperflare]

Everyone who meets her for the first time thinks she's great. She's bubbly and energetic and very nice... to everyone else. I get the leftovers, the gossip, the nagging, etc. We've done counseling 9 years ago when we were in crisis and she stopped going because she decided she was out of crisis, and chose not to work on other personal issues that lead us there. She's saying she wants to go to counseling now, but I don't - I'm done. Just curious if others here have gone through it. A bit worried about the "next step".

Really, I'm sorry you are at this point.

Divorce sucks. I am re-married now to an amazing woman, so it worked out for me. But, for my two oldest kids that came from that relationship it really put them through the ringer.

Here is what it comes down to:
1. Is the love that is there worth fighting for? In other words...
2. Does she give you reason to fight for her?
3. Are you giving her a reason to fight for you?

These seem like simple questions, but they aren't answered so easily if you want to be honest with yourself and her. My recommendation is to flat out tell what she gives you isnt worth fighting for. Just be prepared for when she says the same to you because I'm sure she feels the same way. But if she is willing to go to counseling then it means she at least recognizes that you are worth fighting for. Something to think about anyway.

Good luck!

 

[TXCyclones]

Because I had asked the question on here to start the thread I thought I'd give an update. The papers were served this morning. Things seemed tense for the past several weeks, but calm and seemingly like things could be settled amiably. I think all of that changed today. If I thought there was any way that things would change I'd stay, but I just don't see it ever happening.

 

[Dandy]

Because I had asked the question on here to start the thread I thought I'd give an update. The papers were served this morning. Things seemed tense for the past several weeks, but calm and seemingly like things could be settled amiably. I think all of that changed today. If I thought there was any way that things would change I'd stay, but I just don't see it ever happening.

Good luck!

 

[ThatllDoCy]

Because I had asked the question on here to start the thread I thought I'd give an update. The papers were served this morning. Things seemed tense for the past several weeks, but calm and seemingly like things could be settled amiably. I think all of that changed today. If I thought there was any way that things would change I'd stay, but I just don't see it ever happening.

Sorry to hear it, stay the course and you'll get through it. Had good friend's recently get divorced and both are happier for it.

 

[cyhiphopp]

Don't let that **** beat you. Once it's past the point of no return then you are better off just working toward the future.