relationship advice
- Thread starter SoapyCy
- Start date
Just email your wife the link to this thread, and in the subject line put: "Honey we need to talk"
Hoo...that's a rough one. I guess it depends on the friendship status of your wife and this other woman. Is this an old friend from wayback? Those can be difficult. My wife had a friend from high school when we were dating (in college) that I just didn't trust. She seemed off somehow, but I couldn't pin it down. I stated my concerns nicely, but at the time, just dating, and friend had tenure, I had to tread lightly. Turned out the friend was a dirtball and my wife hung on with her for a while after I had near-proof of her dirtballitude (My wife had some stuff stolen and the friend was the only one with means, motive, and opportunity to steal it...but no hard evidence), and only later when she was caught red-handed stealing from someone else did she buy in.
Point being, my wife hung with her because, like, BFF, right? I understood that high school friends can and quite often do go in different directions with their lives...especially once they get out of parental influence completely, and it's not fun to say...but they drift apart. She didn't want to let go because she felt friends should be forever.
Yours is a little different in the fact that you're married, so there's a little more commitment there. I think one way to put it is that "it's not that I don't trust you, but I totally, completely, don't trust the two of them. And while I trust that you would never go out and do something that would hurt me, they would. The thing is, no one ever gets up in the morning and says 'hey, I think I'll do X dumb thing today'. So while I trust you, I don't trust those two and fear that they will get you into a situation where something happens that you wouldn't want to happen going into it. Think of it this way...while a bullfighter's wife may trust that he knows what he's doing...she's still probably a wreck during the bullfight, and if given the chance, she'd probably rather he didn't go into the ring in the first place."
What are they planning on doing, what are the odds your wife will end up near drugs or put in a situation where cheating would be easy? The important question is why she wants to go? Is it truly just a great old friend that she wants to do something with? If so, maybe there's some pre-decisions that can be made, if your wife is able to take a stand. If X happens, (Drugs, go to a meat market and the 2 friends are picking out dudes, etc.) you're out, or saying something. If it's just to get away for the weekend, then is it worth it to her to do something that will make you uncomfortable. I wouldn't mind going to the strip bar once in a while, but it's not worth it to make my wife uncomfortable...okay, I wouldn't go there anyway, but it's an example.
Point being, my wife hung with her because, like, BFF, right? I understood that high school friends can and quite often do go in different directions with their lives...especially once they get out of parental influence completely, and it's not fun to say...but they drift apart. She didn't want to let go because she felt friends should be forever.
Yours is a little different in the fact that you're married, so there's a little more commitment there. I think one way to put it is that "it's not that I don't trust you, but I totally, completely, don't trust the two of them. And while I trust that you would never go out and do something that would hurt me, they would. The thing is, no one ever gets up in the morning and says 'hey, I think I'll do X dumb thing today'. So while I trust you, I don't trust those two and fear that they will get you into a situation where something happens that you wouldn't want to happen going into it. Think of it this way...while a bullfighter's wife may trust that he knows what he's doing...she's still probably a wreck during the bullfight, and if given the chance, she'd probably rather he didn't go into the ring in the first place."
What are they planning on doing, what are the odds your wife will end up near drugs or put in a situation where cheating would be easy? The important question is why she wants to go? Is it truly just a great old friend that she wants to do something with? If so, maybe there's some pre-decisions that can be made, if your wife is able to take a stand. If X happens, (Drugs, go to a meat market and the 2 friends are picking out dudes, etc.) you're out, or saying something. If it's just to get away for the weekend, then is it worth it to her to do something that will make you uncomfortable. I wouldn't mind going to the strip bar once in a while, but it's not worth it to make my wife uncomfortable...okay, I wouldn't go there anyway, but it's an example.
the thing is my wife is a great woman. the only time things change are when her and this other woman get together - i think it's just honest fun and drinking but she says she'll come back at 11 and shows up at 2 AM. doesn't text back, etc., and that's here in town.
Dude, if you trust her, it's not a big deal. The situation isn't ideal but if she's always been good to you and trustworthy, don't worry about it.
Pay me to go and I will spy on them. If anyone goes near your wife I will inform you and await a response.
I agree with the comments that you should talk to her... you should be concerned about her personal safety.... you are not forbidding her to go but you are very right to be worried. Heck offer to go and be the designated driver for them. I would make it known that is very important to you though. Absolutely do not make it about trust. Just my $0.02.
Just because you trust someone it doesn't mean they are going to be ok in whatever situation they end up in. Some things are out of their hands. Your wife's "friend" has serious problems.
So are there three or four women hanging out together? (Wife, wife's friend, druggie friend, druggie friend's roommate?)
No matter the number, it sounds like your wife is the most responsible, yet she has shown that her responsibility slips slightly while hanging with this friend. My fear would be that Iowa friend and Nashville friend get into an unsavory situation, wife herself may have had too much to drink, and that plus being in an unfamiliar town just doesn't sit right with me. Is there anyone else you know in Nashville that could be an emergency fallback, just in case?
I guess this post is just an affirmation type post that I'm uneasy in this situation, too.
No matter the number, it sounds like your wife is the most responsible, yet she has shown that her responsibility slips slightly while hanging with this friend. My fear would be that Iowa friend and Nashville friend get into an unsavory situation, wife herself may have had too much to drink, and that plus being in an unfamiliar town just doesn't sit right with me. Is there anyone else you know in Nashville that could be an emergency fallback, just in case?
I guess this post is just an affirmation type post that I'm uneasy in this situation, too.
She shouldnt be friends with her, let alone go on a slutty vacation together. Bad **** hAppens.
And
is a perfectly fine position to take when you are not married and you can trust the **** out of them until you have to kick them to the curb for the next one. But...whether it's before the wedding, or after the wedding, at some point every married person realizes that their spouse's actions have permanent and lasting affects on their own life whether they are involved in the decision or not. Thankfully, I realized this before proposing and chose appropriately, but some people don't actually realize this until they get the alimony judgement.
"Hey, I trust you honey" is fine for non-married people...but "Hey, I trust you with the rest of my life, it's cool if you run off to Nashville with a ***** to hang out with a drug user for the weekend" is bound to cause some issues for any married person who actually understands the gravity of marriage.
I also think Mtown understands this difference and thus specifically asked for the advice of married CF'ers.
Tell your wife how you really feel both about this and her. Tell her your concerns and why you wouldn't do it if you were in a similair situation. And tell her how much you love her and how you would feel if you lost her.
For the most part, I have seen only bad things happen in things like this. How she reacts will tell you a lot about your future together.
For the most part, I have seen only bad things happen in things like this. How she reacts will tell you a lot about your future together.
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