Living w/ someone that ADHD and or has Executive Dysfunction

[NWICY]

ADHD is a very inaccurate label. Executive disfunction is what it is. But we call it ADHD. Anyway, it is something you are born with and it is amplified by trauma and stress. Basically an ADHD brain is a FLOODLIGHT, it illuminates everything in the environment. This trait was crucial in hunter gather societies. It is how our species survived. An ADHD brain or person is more than likely going to spot colors, which means food, or movement like an animal disappearing in a tree line. Nothing in the environment has priority. In Vietnam, you want the ADHD brain on point, since all stimulus has equal priority, that person is going to pick up on an ambush easier. Whereas a neurotypical brain is a FLASLIGHT. Can hone in on a single stimulus easier. Nuertypical brains were valued when we started farming, the ability to sequence and plan. People with ADHD brains often have a lot of gifts, like creativity, good problem solving abilities and out of the box thinking. They often develop unique coping mechanisms out of necessity that allows them to succeed at a lot of endeavors. The problem is they are bombarded with negative feedback from their environment. For example the typical person with ADHD gets criticized at an extremely hight rate by the time they are 18 compared to a person with a neurotypical brain. Many people come at them with their challenges as if they have character flaws. People, as Jeffersontwp above get frustrated.

Jeffersontwp, is your spouse getting any treatment/help like medication? Have they practiced habits and routines? Here is a resourceful You Tube channel. I have ADHD and have used this channel and others for help.

Thank you for the enlightening response.

 

[NWICY]

Look at you. You may be on the spectrum!

Never know (shoulder shrug emoji)

 

[Jeffersontwp]

Sorry, I thought you meant literal child care, not that you felt like you are a parent rather than a spouse.

You don't need to answer, but some questions I would think about:

• Have they been diagnosed with ADHD or other executive disfunction? If so, they should have some kind of plan to deal with it. Are they following it? If not, does the plan need to change?
• If no formal diagnosis:
  • How old are both of you? If you're similar in age but relatively young (< mid-30s) they may just need to finish growing up.
  • Is there a big age gap (assuming you're the older one)?
  • Did they grow up in a significantly different family style than you did? Like only child vs siblings, discipline/expectations, etc.

We’re both retirement age and have been married 40 years. But if he retired I imagine him just sitting in a chair all day. He is diabetic and I have learned that if I do not watch him he craves sugar and has no will power.

Initially I thought family style was part of his lack of interest in maintaining things. His family would hire someone where as my family would figure it out and do it.

I can’t imagine retiring and traveling because of the work involved for me. He hasn’t unpacked his bag from attending a class reunion four months ago

This summer was stressful with storm damage and the death of a family member. As executor, I was hoping for more help but I’m needing to make all decisions and making sure things happen

Enough rambling/complaining

 

[Peter]

If ADHD, he is doing a terrible disservice to you by not seeking help or medication. It’s one thing to have a neurodiversity, it’s another to have your spouse take on all of the stress and responsibility. ADHD is no excuse for being a bad partner.

 

[iowastatefan1929]

The universe is trying to teach you a lesson.

 

[VeloClone]

In my case it's not my spouse but our son. I don't know how either my wife or I would handle everything alone without each other's support. I can't imagine dealing with it as a spouse. I worry about his future every day.

 

[deadeyededric]

Not sure about executive dysfunction but my last girlfriend had BPD. Talk about someone giving you whiplash. One week they can conquer the world, the next they can't even make their appointments or get out of bed.

 

[Dgilbertson]

I’m curious about expectations. Not trying to excuse or dismiss but often in relationships damage is often done by silent expectations.

What are your expectations of your partner? Have they been clearly communicated but ignored?

Is the frustration that they move/work differently than you?

I only ask these questions bc I can pull off the impossible in a weekend but it may be a few months before that level of effort is replicated.

I’m in my house with 3 major DIY projects I’ve completed in the past two years. I’ve learned to ask for adequate time to get into deep work/eliminate distraction and know my boundaries in not beginning tasks I can’t complete in a day or two.

Your partner WILL NEVER work and operate like you. What if you capture the need/problem in a way they could tackle in their own pace/way?

“When X happens I feel Y. I don’t know how but is there a way you could resolve Z? It would mean a lot to me.”

Now it’s on them to resolve the thing that needs to be done on their terms.

Just thinking what could help. I know I don’t WANT to hurt anyone close to n my e with the way I work

 

[legi]

In my case it's not my spouse but our son. I don't know how either my wife or I would handle everything alone without each other's support. I can't imagine dealing with it as a spouse. I worry about his future every day.

Same here… I know exactly how it feels and it’s really tough. Our 11 year old is dealing with it every single day, and the amount of patience and understanding needed to be there for him is on another level.

 

[Des Moines Clone]

In my case it's not my spouse but our son. I don't know how either my wife or I would handle everything alone without each other's support. I can't imagine dealing with it as a spouse. I worry about his future every day.

He will probably turn out ok, as he matures. I realize ADHD, and the way we are all wired in general, can vary a lot from person to person, but my wife and I have both been diagnosed with ADHD, we just didn't get diagnosed until we were in our 40s. We've both had successful adulthoods (trust me, I'm a stranger on the internet, lol). We just learned good coping mechanisms as kids, and wound up, without realizing why, gravitating toward careers that are well suited for how we are wired.

Lol, hell, in the last couple of years I've found out about a person in my social circle who has a PhD in a life sciences field, another who is a pharmacist, and a third who is a lawyer who all have ADHD. They are smart people who are really good at focusing on things they care about, but bad at focusing on other things.

 

[Des Moines Clone]

Same here… I know exactly how it feels and it’s really tough. Our 11 year old is dealing with it every single day, and the amount of patience and understanding needed to be there for him is on another level.

Yeah, I sympathize with you and VeloClone. Our 9 year old has it, and based on symptom consistency, we are pretty sure his younger two siblings have it too. It manifests a little differently in each of them, though, so they each test our patience differently, lol.

As to Jeffersontwp's situation, that's a tough deal. My wife and I wound up going through couples therapy as our growing family and growing demands at work strained our relationship. It took time, but it eventually helped, and we are in a much better place than we were 3 years ago. That's about all I can suggest

 

[cayin]

He will probably turn out ok, as he matures. I realize ADHD, and the way we are all wired in general, can vary a lot from person to person, but my wife and I have both been diagnosed with ADHD, we just didn't get diagnosed until we were in our 40s. We've both had successful adulthoods (trust me, I'm a stranger on the internet, lol). We just learned good coping mechanisms as kids, and wound up, without realizing why, gravitating toward careers that are well suited for how we are wired.

Lol, hell, in the last couple of years I've found out about a person in my social circle who has a PhD in a life sciences field, another who is a pharmacist, and a third who is a lawyer who all have ADHD. They are smart people who are really good at focusing on things they care about, but bad at focusing on other ithings.

And that is just it, people with it do not have trouble focusing on things they care about or are interested in. As a matter of fact they have the ability to hyper focus and good luck pulling them away if they are in the zone. No one likes to do mundane task/work, the difference is neurotypical brains can do it a lot easier. Think of it like a band, guitar, bass and drums. In a neurotypical brain the instruments are playing together, which makes those task easier. in an ADHD brain the guitar, bass and drums are off doing their own thing, which makes task harder. It has to do with low dopamine and norepinephrine levels, those levels can increase with meds, which is why they work.

 

[Dgilbertson]

And that is just it, people with it do not have trouble focusing on things they care about or are interested in. As a matter of fact they have the ability to hyper focus and good luck pulling them away if they are in the zone. No one likes to do mundane task/work, the difference is neurotypical brains can do it a lot easier. Think of it like a band, guitar, bass and drums. In a neurotypical brain the instruments are playing together, which makes those task easier. in an ADHD brain the guitar, bass and drums are off doing their own thing, which makes task harder. It has to do with low dopamine and norepinephrine levels, those levels can increase with meds, which is why they work.

Think of the guitar solos though