Ghosting

[MJ29]

It's very common in modern dating. Some people are blessed with lots of options. Others aren't or fall hard. Makes for a dysfunctional dating environment.

More like they like to make sure they have lots of options. Or want to make it seem like they have lots of options.

No one should settle for being an option.

I have a former friend who has never ended a relationship before having another one lined up and well-established. Meaning, he would cheat on the partner to find his next. And then gaslight the crap out of the one he was leaving. He would tell me a different version of events, obviously. He was the victim. All these women were just crazy. But, if they all have the same experience, I tend to think he's the problem. And that's why we're no longer friends. Some of the things he did to these women (one of whom became my best friend) made me not want to waste my precious friendship energy on him.

 

[dahliaclone]

More like they like to make sure they have lots of options. Or want to make it seem like they have lots of options.

No one should settle for being an option.

I have a former friend who has never ended a relationship before having another one lined up and well-established. Meaning, he would cheat on the partner to find his next. And then gaslight the crap out of the one he was leaving. He would tell me a different version of events, obviously. He was the victim. All these women were just crazy. But, if they all have the same experience, I tend to think he's the problem. And that's why we're no longer friends. Some of the things he did to these women (one of whom became my best friend) made me not want to waste my precious friendship energy on him.

yikes. that is not a good guy.

 

[cyphoon]

I have only been ghosted by recruiters. Doesn't pack the emotional sting that being ghosted by a boyfriend does.

Being ghosted after a first date or a couple dates doesn't seem like that big of deal, although it would be better to have the balls to just say you aren't interested.

Being ghosted after several months is callous and bush league.

Best advice I can think of is to just be thankful that such a cold dbag is no longer in your life, but this isn't my arena of expertise.

H

 

[MJ29]

yikes. that is not a good guy.

Not at all. One day, he came into an establishment where I worked with a bunch of his coworkers. I overheard him telling them that his ex (my bestie) slashed his tires and was a stalker when their relationship ended. I knew it was a lie and I called it out. He didn't exactly backpedal, but he stopped saying it. At least around me. But I knew what he was doing. I'd seen him do it to two other women, but until then I'd been blind to the other side of the story.

 

[BWRhasnoAC]

More like they like to make sure they have lots of options. Or want to make it seem like they have lots of options.

No one should settle for being an option.

I have a former friend who has never ended a relationship before having another one lined up and well-established. Meaning, he would cheat on the partner to find his next. And then gaslight the crap out of the one he was leaving. He would tell me a different version of events, obviously. He was the victim. All these women were just crazy. But, if they all have the same experience, I tend to think he's the problem. And that's why we're no longer friends. Some of the things he did to these women (one of whom became my best friend) made me not want to waste my precious friendship energy on him.

Ya that definitely happens. I find it is really common in the other direction these days though. I stopped using dating apps but I might get a few matches a year where as women I've dated get 200 matches in a day. That's not their fault but it makes it really hard for a guy to get an at bat anymore. Not the women's fault but it's very difficult for many guys these days.

Also, to make things more complicated non-monogamy is getting really common. I tried to have a relationship with a women who was openly poly and I was fine with it if our thing was just fun and we had our time together separate from the rest of her stuff.

Of course it was really confusing and she could never decide what she wanted and I got out but I had fell for her in spite of it all. I think I was the first guy she didn't see as a toy in a long time and it scared her. She would tell me I deserved a monogamous relationship but would still always pull me back like a yoyo. I'm the end in my experience poly people are just adults dating like high schoolers. Not everyone cause I know it works for some people but not very often from what I've seen.

In the end I know exactly what you mean that no one deserves to just be an option but that's kind of just the way it is now. There's a phenomenon in dating culture they call 'same guy' syndrome where 90% of the women want the same guy on these dating apps and it becomes painfully obvious with instant feedback if you're not one of those guys. It's really hard to date these days is my long winded point I suppose.

 

[HighLeakageCy]

Sorry for being a jerk in the thread last night. This was a much more severe case of ghosting than I hear typically.

Also, I'm in a f'd up relationship situation where my ex is living with me and it's been difficult getting her to move out...so ghosting sounds lovely. Maybe one of you nice guys will take her off my hands, she used to be a cheerleader at UNI.

 

[dahliaclone]

Sorry for being a jerk in the thread last night. This was a much more severe case of ghosting than I hear typically.

Also, I'm in a f'd up relationship situation where my ex is living with me and it's been difficult getting her to move out...so ghosting sounds lovely. Maybe one of you nice guys will take her off my hands, she used to be a cheerleader at UNI.

Not sure an apology is needed. I think people obviously have different experiences of this. I have no experience and so thought I would start a convo. Turns out there is a pretty wide spectrum of ghosting I didn't know about.

 

[simply1]

Is it ghosting to sneak out after a one night stand?

 

[simply1]

As to the op, really sorry your friend is going through this. Sounds like a really toxic person to me on the other end.

 

[simply1]

Sorry for being a jerk in the thread last night. This was a much more severe case of ghosting than I hear typically.

Also, I'm in a f'd up relationship situation where my ex is living with me and it's been difficult getting her to move out...so ghosting sounds lovely. Maybe one of you nice guys will take her off my hands, she used to be a cheerleader at UNI.

RIP your DMs

 

[dahliaclone]

As to the op, really sorry your friend is going through this. Sounds like a really toxic person to me on the other end.

I think they are seeing the light. I sent them a few links that highlights narcissistic behavior that seem to be this guy up and down the board. Sent links on how to cope with being ghosted showing it's almost always an issue with the ghoster and not the ghostee.

I'd heard ghosting was common but didn't know the effect it could have on people I guess. People suck sometimes.

 

[Cyinthenorth]

Sorry for being a jerk in the thread last night. This was a much more severe case of ghosting than I hear typically.

Also, I'm in a f'd up relationship situation where my ex is living with me and it's been difficult getting her to move out...so ghosting sounds lovely. Maybe one of you nice guys will take her off my hands, she used to be a cheerleader at UNI.

How many years ago?

 

[Cy$]

This “I was ghosted by a job interview” is wild logic to me. Whenever I’ve been looking for work I see it as my job to do everything I can to get in. Following up, reaching out. This was well before I was a hiring manager.

I reached out twice, they didn’t tell me no. They said they were still interviewing and I was still a candidate. The later times I followed up, I got ghosted by the recruiter despite me supposedly being still in the running.

I’ve also seen this on LinkedIn with others.

 

[BWRhasnoAC]

I reached out twice, they didn’t tell me no. They said they were still interviewing and I was still a candidate. The later times I followed up, I got ghosted by the recruiter despite me supposedly being still in the running.

I’ve also seen this on LinkedIn with others.

Pretty typical behavior.

 

[Cy$]

As a married dude of 24 years, I'm glad I don't have to date in this day and age.

I will say that ghosting is definitely more prominent in the younger generation, based on conversations with my daughter. She says she doesn't like to do it, but she has told me about various scenarios and the reasons for it. With the massive amount of contacts she has with people in other schools, she'll get some really unexpectedly creepy snaps from guys. She assures me she never adds guys unless she vets them through other friends that know him, but high school boys have a one-track mind and are way more forward than they should be. It's an absolute numbers game with them.

I hate that she has to deal with this, but I'm also glad that she's learning about the "real world" while she's under my roof. I definitely feel sorry for women that are legitimately just trying to be friends with people. The amount of creeps and **** pics they have to wade through is alarming.

those are valid reasons for ghosting someone. When you spend time messaging or go on dates and ghost is where most people get mad at it.

There's guys who will create fake accounts, call them names, spread rumors after getting rejected. As long as you told them politely you aren't interested, you did the right thing and the issues belong to the other party.

 

[NWICY]

I've been out of the job market a long time. I didn't realize you didn't get flush letters after interviewing any more.

 

[isufbcurt]

Find a new flavor and just ghost the old one, that's how I roll.

 

[isufbcurt]

The closest I ever got to being "ghosted" was back in 2017.

I "met" this absolutely GORGEOUS woman online in March 2016, and we talked very briefly, but nothing came of it.

One year later, I "meet" her again online, and this time we really connect, start talking, I ask her out, she says yes. June 2017.

Dinner was awkward as hell for her, but afterwards we went to Gilroy's for drinks, and from there she really opened up, and was comfortable with me.

There was definitely some sexual tension there, and she even admitted to me, watching me walk up to the restaurant from her car to meet her "Damn.... He is HOT!!!".

After Gilroy's we went back to her place and just sat in the driveway for a few hours talking and sipping on beers.

For clarification, neither one of us were drunk or even buzzed. Very casual drinking while just talking and getting to know one another.

I texted her a few times over the next several days, but never heard back.

October 2017 I reach out to her again, and she accused me of ghosting her. She reminded me that she wasn't big into texting, and preferred actually talking on the phone.

That was when I realized why she felt I had ghosted her, and not the other way around.

Oh well. What could have been. Despite being absolutely completely out of my league, and yet she had said yes to me, there was a serious attraction from both sides, and you could eventually cut the sexual tension with a knife, there was just SOMETHING about her that turned me off. I didn't know then, and as much as I have thought about it since, I still have no clue what it was.

All the ingredients were there for us to last forever, we had so much in common, and the chemistry was INSANE, but there was just something about her that I could not put my finger on.

It honestly still bugs me a bit to this day.

Though now this thread reminds me of 2019, when I had five women give me their numbers in the span of a month (I didn't ask, and they were just being direct like I usually am), and NOTHING ever came of it.

Literally "Ghosted" out of the gate.

There was sexual tension and you decided to "sit in the driveway and sip beers"?

That is were it all went wrong.

You George Costanza'd that one.

 

[Flynn4Heisman]

There was sexual tension and you decided to "sit in the driveway and sip beers"?

That is were it all went wrong.

You George Costanza'd that one.

Hahahaha. Yes I did.

 

[JayV]

I stopped using dating apps but I might get a few matches a year where as women I've dated get 200 matches in a day. That's not their fault but it makes it really hard for a guy to get an at bat anymore. Not the women's fault but it's very difficult for many guys these days.

There's a lot of issues with dating apps. This is certainly one of them. I think it's hard for everyone though. Studies that show 60% of swipes in favor go to 10% of guys. If you're not in that 10% (and 90% of us aren't) it sucks.

And the ladies that get 200 swipes in favor per day, a lot of them are guys who swipe right on everyone because that's what the first statistic leads to. A large percentage are only swiping right because she has lady parts, not out of genuine interest. It leads to a lot of swiping on the wrong person, which leads to unhealthy dates or relationships, which leads to the ghosting that started this thread.