Friday OT - Am I the A-Hole?

[CYdTracked]

Situations with the in-laws are always touchy. Pretty sure all our families have their weird quirks 1 way or another we deal with. I tend to tread lightly when it comes to stuff with my wife's family and if it's that big of a deal I address it with her to try and talk some sense into whatever it is going on with her side of the family. Especially when my FIL was still alive, he was the last one you'd want to piss off and being I am married to his youngest I'm the "newest" to the family too so whenever any other spouses did something to irk him I kinda smiled inside that it wasn't me.

Kind of on topic here about in-laws and what is appropriate. It's a fine line trying to raise your kids and not have either of your parents over-step their boundaries once in awhile telling you what they think you should do without you soliciting their advice. I run into it with my own parents that have irritated my wife and even me from time to time that I've had to deal with. I remember a tense moment once when we were going through various sicknesses with the kids when they were daycare age when my FIL just blurts out in front of the whole family "your kids are always sick, maybe it's your daycare that's the problem." I didn't really get offended by it but my wife was not happy and snapped back at him on as we both knew that daycare centers are basically a petri dish for viruses but in the long run also good for building immunity too. Just little stuff like that I'm pretty calculated about when to just say nothing and when to find a way to bring it up later in a less confrontational manner.

 

[Al_4_State]

Live your life, not theirs. It is not your responsibility to handle their deliveries because of their choice to where they choose to live. That is something they need to figure out.

However, instead of just randomly trying to get something delivered there, I'd sit down and have a heart to heart look me in the eye convo with them and after that, it is on them if they're upset. You're not doing anything wrong and its a waste of time, resources, and could be dangerous in winter to have your wife run deliveries.

I should be clear - my wife is not making extra trips. When she goes to work, she takes the packages with her. If she works from home due to a snow storm, they just have to wait an extra day.

It's really not effecting me beyond the times when we've been gone and had to enlist people to drag this in.

The waste of resources is almost always on my in-laws end because the whole reason they quit having stuff delivered to the PO Box is because they weren't going to town every day. But now every time they have something delivered to our home, they end up running into town to get it from my wife's car. So it's the exact same difference as if they would have delivered it to the post office.

 

[Rural]

I think you need to ask yourself if this is a hill you want to die on. It sounds to me, as you explained it, and given the family dynamics’s, even if you “win” and are right, you can / will lose.

To cut to the chase, I would let your wife deal with it (absolve yourself 100% of any responsibilities in the matter and let it go).

If she gets tired if dealing with it, she will see to it that it gets resolved.

The biggest hump to get over with change is getting to the felt sense of unease (i.e there needs to be a compelling reason / push / drive to change). Getting your in laws to / through that would help expedite the process for sure. I think this tactic could help nudge your wife in that direction too.

Also FWIW, sending them some nice perishable items (say meat / or seafood) could go a ways to soften the blow too. Make sure whatever it is, it’s your wife’s idea though.

View attachment 146314

A lot of women can't live with'em can't live with'em going on here.

 

[jdoggivjc]

Are you the *******? Probably… but it doesn’t mean you’re wrong, either. Sometimes you just gotta be the ******* to rectify insane behavior in others.

 

[Angie]

So, no, you’re not the *******. And yes, this is irrational as all hell.

But.

The next time it comes up, I would maybe ask your wife if they are receiving junk mail out there, because literally everybody on earth gets junk mail, right? If they aren’t, then they must have their mail forwarded and this isn’t gonna work out for you, anyway. But it WILL cause an issue for you at home, which isn’t really what you need.

 

[Cycsk]

Sounds like you mostly just want to know if it is a real dilemma. Perhaps to avoid the risk of your wife not liking you sending the anonymous package, you could arrange with a neighbor to send something to them. Your wife and in-laws don’t need to know unless you choose to tell them, but you would know for sure.

 

[drlove]

you could add on the "gift card" something along the lines of "Congratulations on being added to the UPS/FedEx/Amazon delivery route". Sign it UPS/FedEx/Amazon Logistics team.

 

[kirk89gt]

A lot of women can't live with'em can't live with'em going on

 

[cowgirl836]

She does. She acknowledges privately that this is ridiculous, but doesn't want to create drama with her parents.

Drama? By demonstrating we are no longer in the Pony Express days? This could be done the most casual of ways. "Hey, we're going to stop having you use our address as a shipping location. Do you want me to help you switch default addresses in your apps or can you handle it? Oh you don't think they'll deliver? Oh for sure they will. Why don't we try it out, granddaughter has an art project she wants you to see. I'll have her ship it to you! She'll think that's so fun to mail you packages!"

 

[WooBadger18]

So, no, you’re not the *******. And yes, this is an irrational as all hell.

But.

The next time it comes up, I would maybe ask your wife if they are receiving junk mail out there, because literally everybody on earth gets junk mail, right? If they aren’t, then they must have their mail forwarded and this isn’t gonna work out for you, anyway. But it WILL cause an issue for you at home, which isn’t really what you need.

Yeah, I don’t think Al is an ******* here, but being proven right may not be worth it here. Good idea on the junk mail too.

I think a good starting point could also be, “when we’re on vacation, we’re on vacation, and won’t be able to deal with any of your packages.” I think that’s fair.

Also, Al, if your in-laws get packages sent regularly to you, you’ll be on vacation sometime soon, and your wife buys in, could you use that as an excuse? Your wife explains that you guys won’t be able to handle packages while gone, and that it would be more convenient for them to have the package delivered to them rather than wait for you to get back. It would also be an excuse to send a “test” package.

 

[WooBadger18]

Drama? By demonstrating we are no longer in the Pony Express days? This could be done the most casual of ways. "Hey, we're going to stop having you use our address as a shipping location. Do you want me to help you switch default addresses in your apps or can you handle it? Oh you don't think they'll deliver? Oh for sure they will. Why don't we try it out, granddaughter has an art project she wants you to see. I'll have her ship it to you! She'll think that's so fun to mail you packages!"

Watch though, that will be the one that somehow gets lost.

When I was 4-ish I sent my cousin a toy helicopter through the mail because I thought the post office/mail was cool, and it was never delivered. I still think about that toy helicopter.

 

[Al_4_State]

Yeah, I don’t think Al is an ******* here, but being proven right may not be worth it here. Good idea on the junk mail too.

I think a good starting point could also be, “when we’re on vacation, we’re on vacation, and won’t be able to deal with any of your packages.” I think that’s fair.

Also, Al, if your in-laws get packages sent regularly to you, you’ll be on vacation sometime soon, and your wife buys in, could you use that as an excuse? Your wife explains that you guys won’t be able to handle packages while gone, and that it would be more convenient for them to have the package delivered to them rather than wait for you to get back. It would also be an excuse to send a “test” package.

If it comes from my wife, I think they'd be receptive. They have completely different standards for their children than they do for others. The problem is getting my wife to do it.

 

[WooBadger18]

If it comes from my wife, I think they'd be receptive. They have completely different standards for their children than they do for others. The problem is getting my wife to do it.

Sure, but does she really want to deal with having packages delivered while on vacation?

I think CG’s idea is better because it solves the problem, but my idea gives an excuse

 

[3TrueFans]

My in-laws grew up in and around Town A. My wife was raised either in town or just on the outskirts. My MIL worked right in town her entire career.

When my wife was in college, they moved to an acreage about 10 miles out of town, where they still live. This acreage’s 911 address is in Town B, where they didn’t work.

After making the move, my MIL kept a PO Box in Town A, and had everything shipped there. Now that she’s retired, she doesn’t go to town everyday so it’s less convenient to have the PO box. My MIL is convinced because her physical address is in Town B, but the PO Box is in Town, if she puts her address down for delivery, things won’t get delivered to her actual address.

My wife and I live 45 miles away, but my wife works in Town A. My in-laws now have all of their parcel packages delivered to OUR house. My wife throws them in her car, and my MIL drives into Town A to get them from my wife’s car.

I personally think this is absolutely certifiably insane. Once when we were on vacation in the winter, one of their packages was delivered to our house with freezable contents. I had to call a buddy to come by and drag it into our garage. On a Saturday. It just creates another layer of things for my wife to take care of that she doesn’t need. To me, this is pointless and crazy.

There’s no god damn way that the various delivery services won’t go to their house. They live directly on a large Federal Highway (US 63).

I want to order a package and have it delivered to their home, just to demonstrate that it’s possible. My wife got pissed and said I was only doing it to a prove a point and shame her parents for their irrational behavior (she acknowledges to me that this is insane). At this point I just really want to know if there IS some crazy reason that packages don’t get delivered there. There’s a slight chance my MIL is right, and I legitimately don’t want to judge her behavior as neurotic if it isn’t.

I’ve decided to order them a gift online and have it shipped. I’ll do it so they’re the recipient, and it’s anonymous. When they get it, I guarantee they will say something to my wife about the anonymous gift they got out of the blue. Since my name won’t be attached, they won’t know it’s me, and won’t assume I’m trying to make fun of them. I will know whether this whole crazy thing is legitimate. Theoretically everyone should win. But my wife will know it’s me, and she’ll be pissed off as all hell.

Am I an ******* for wanting to get to the bottom of this once and for all?

Seems to me that one of their deliveries getting ruined because it sat outside and froze would be just the wake up call they might need.

Outside of that it seems like your wife is the one that deals with it, and it's her parents, so if she doesn't want to address it then I'd just deal with it.

 

[Al_4_State]

Seems to me that one of their deliveries getting ruined because it sat outside and froze would be just the wake up call they might need.

Outside of that it seems like your wife is the one that deals with it, and it's her parents, so if she doesn't want to address it then I'd just deal with it.

Yeah, it doesn't really effect me.

I'm honestly mostly just curious if there is some actual issue with their home receiving deliveries. I don't even want to prove anything to my in-laws so much as I want to quell my own curiosity.

 

[AlaCyclone]

 

[mj4cy]

I should be clear - my wife is not making extra trips. When she goes to work, she takes the packages with her. If she works from home due to a snow storm, they just have to wait an extra day.

It's really not effecting me beyond the times when we've been gone and had to enlist people to drag this in.

The waste of resources is almost always on my in-laws end because the whole reason they quit having stuff delivered to the PO Box is because they weren't going to town every day. But now every time they have something delivered to our home, they end up running into town to get it from my wife's car. So it's the exact same difference as if they would have delivered it to the post office.

Yeah then I would just tell your wife if she wants to keep doing it, great but you are excusing yourself from the situation. You shouldn't have to go through hoops for something this basic.

 

[CoachHines3]

this would drive me insanse

old peoples inability to learn new things is outstanding.

if they took the time to stop bitchin' about it and actually learn it, they'd save so much time.

i live in the country and UPS, FedEx, USPS, Amazon find my house just fine every day. lol

 

[kirk89gt]

Isn’t marriage great? Situation I am in right now (and somewhat ignoring to see what they say) I had ankle surgery a month ago and got a temporary handicap tag for the car. Now my MIL had a knee replaced the other day and texted me yesterday to see how I got it and if she could borrow it.

Obviously I would assume this is fairly illegal but as far as I can tell there is no identifable info so it would work. More of the principle to me, if you want it do what’s needed to get it legally.

It’s pretty simple here. Have her work with her physician to get the tag.

 

[mdk2isu]

You could have something sent to your wife with her maiden name but delivered to her parents house.