At a work potluck, everybody at our table was talking about how good the dish was that Jay brought. One of our HR girls said, "Jay, everybody's impressed with your nuts".
Friday OT #1 - Open Mouth, Insert Foot
- Thread starter Angie
- Start date
My wife and I were doing a large painting project last weekend. We were using light gray/white paint. The next morning we went out for breakfast. We sat down and I said, oh not, it looks like you got a little bit of white paint in your hair. I got the death stare and was informed that that in fact was not paint but the first few strands of gray hair she ever had..... Whoopsies.
Maybe they got their baby a spray tan. You know, for a nice base.
I would have.
(Well, if I hadn't been her daughter, that is.)
You know I think there are movies that start out that same way. At least I've been told that. Not from personal experience of course.
Mine was at work too. Our controller Susan was this older very short woman, her husband was retired and I assumed she was 60-ish. She was wrinkly, best way I can describe.
It was her right-hand debt collector gals' bday, and she was turning 50. Tall woman, super nice, good looking. And as we were all talking, I asked Susan when she was planning to retire. She said, probably never and laughed a little. Clever me pressed the point, aren't you getting close? She says "I'm younger than Carol, I have a long ways to go!" Whoops.
At least I didn't say "really? Because you look like you could be her mom's older sister"
In my defense, he husband was in his early 60s, and she did look way older -- smoking and lots of sun aged the heck out of her.
It was her right-hand debt collector gals' bday, and she was turning 50. Tall woman, super nice, good looking. And as we were all talking, I asked Susan when she was planning to retire. She said, probably never and laughed a little. Clever me pressed the point, aren't you getting close? She says "I'm younger than Carol, I have a long ways to go!" Whoops.
At least I didn't say "really? Because you look like you could be her mom's older sister"
In my defense, he husband was in his early 60s, and she did look way older -- smoking and lots of sun aged the heck out of her.
I would have.
(Well, if I hadn't been dating her daughter, that is.
Now the mom offers to teach them. As least so I've heard.
I've posted this one before, but it's one in a long line of idiotic mistakes. Janny describes me as "innocent to an inappropriate degree" - I don't think about the negative connotations of things. Anyway:
So, we were going to Django for our anniversary with my best friend and her husband. These poor souls have seen me make an ass out of myself at dinner many a time. One time I pronounced jicama as "Juh-cah-muh." Another I asked the waitress what a caper tasted like (this was before I'd realized what they were, even though I'd had them before), and she said "salty bud," but I misheard her and asked, "Did you just say they taste like a 'salty butt'?" The point of that backstory is to explain that they realize that I can be a total fool.
Anyway. We walk in the front door, and they have a sandwich-style sign announcing that the featured dessert that night was a "chocolate hazelnut creme brulee." Janny is the cook in our house, so he explained to me as we walked in that it was code for Nutella creme brulee (I have a big ol' Nutella boner in general), but that they couldn't really say Nutella.
Alex, our waiter, is coming to take our order, and tells us the specials. He talks about the minced lamb entree, the garlic mushroom appetizer, and then he got to the desserts. It went sort of like this:
Alex: "And for dessert, we have a delicious chocolate hazelnut creme brulee."
Me, leaning in and half-whispering: "OH, is that with the N-word... that we're not supposed to say?"
Alex (his eyes huge): "...Uh... er..."
Janny and friends: [choke on their beers]
Me (realizing that I said something fairly terrible on accident, but not yet mathing out what, so struggling to make it better quickly): "You know, the one that rhymes with 'Schmutella'?"
That really didn't clear things up for poor Alex, so Janny jumped in and explained that he had told me it was a facsimile of Nutella. Alex kindly half-laughed and went on to describe the dessert as "airy and light." I figured I should just double-down and try and make it better with a joke, so I laughed and said, "Did you just say 'Aryan light'?"
Janny gave about a 30% tip that night.
So, we were going to Django for our anniversary with my best friend and her husband. These poor souls have seen me make an ass out of myself at dinner many a time. One time I pronounced jicama as "Juh-cah-muh." Another I asked the waitress what a caper tasted like (this was before I'd realized what they were, even though I'd had them before), and she said "salty bud," but I misheard her and asked, "Did you just say they taste like a 'salty butt'?" The point of that backstory is to explain that they realize that I can be a total fool.
Anyway. We walk in the front door, and they have a sandwich-style sign announcing that the featured dessert that night was a "chocolate hazelnut creme brulee." Janny is the cook in our house, so he explained to me as we walked in that it was code for Nutella creme brulee (I have a big ol' Nutella boner in general), but that they couldn't really say Nutella.
Alex, our waiter, is coming to take our order, and tells us the specials. He talks about the minced lamb entree, the garlic mushroom appetizer, and then he got to the desserts. It went sort of like this:
Alex: "And for dessert, we have a delicious chocolate hazelnut creme brulee."
Me, leaning in and half-whispering: "OH, is that with the N-word... that we're not supposed to say?"
Alex (his eyes huge): "...Uh... er..."
Janny and friends: [choke on their beers]
Me (realizing that I said something fairly terrible on accident, but not yet mathing out what, so struggling to make it better quickly): "You know, the one that rhymes with 'Schmutella'?"
That really didn't clear things up for poor Alex, so Janny jumped in and explained that he had told me it was a facsimile of Nutella. Alex kindly half-laughed and went on to describe the dessert as "airy and light." I figured I should just double-down and try and make it better with a joke, so I laughed and said, "Did you just say 'Aryan light'?"
Janny gave about a 30% tip that night.
A just had a friend tell me a not funny, and very awkward pregnancy foot-in-mouth story of his. A few years ago, a guy at work's wife is due any day. My friend comes into work on Monday and notices that the guy has his out of office set for two weeks. So, he sends him an email "Hey, I see you're out of office. Just want to say congrats to you and your wife on the new baby!"
The guy emails him back later "we were told there was no heartbeat last week, so we didn't have a baby." Talk about feeling like you're one inch tall. Obviously not his fault, but that's about as awkward as it gets.
My wife snickers at least half a dozen times watching either basketball or football games because of phrases from the commentators that could be misconstrued. Mostly the back door or somebody is getting handsy type comments. My wife sometimes has a very juvenile and dirty mind, not that I'm complaining.
My friend and I were at a house party off Welch standing around a keg shooting the **** with some other guys. My friend (super-crass, we all had one right?) sees this girl walking towards us and fairly loudly goes "Dude, there's that girl I was telling you about the other day. I think about everyone on our floor has had a turn with her. It looks like I'm next."
The girl gets closer, comes up behind the guy pumping the tap and kisses him on the cheek. The guy straightens up to his full height (about 6'4" ish) puts his rather massive arm around his girl and slowly looks at my friend from his face to his feet and then back up to his face.
We were no longer welcome at his party
The girl gets closer, comes up behind the guy pumping the tap and kisses him on the cheek. The guy straightens up to his full height (about 6'4" ish) puts his rather massive arm around his girl and slowly looks at my friend from his face to his feet and then back up to his face.
We were no longer welcome at his party
Anyway. We walk in the front door, and they have a sandwich-style sign announcing that the featured dessert that night was a "chocolate hazelnut creme brulee." Janny is the cook in our house, so he explained to me as we walked in that it was code for Nutella creme brulee (I have a big ol' Nutella boner in general), but that they couldn't really say Nutella.
Sorry Ang, but I got a really NSFW picture in my head when I read that line.
Sorry Ang, but I got a really NSFW picture in my head when I read that line.
I teach at a high school and, at an all-school awards assembly, a staff member was in charge of reading the names of the Senior academic award recipients as they made their way up on stage. (I should note that this particular staff member has a favorite beer of choice - and most of the faculty know this preference.) The first student on the list was Sam Allen. My colleague says, "Our first recipient for the academic pin is Sam Adams." (Students have confused looks on their faces and some nervous laughter ensues while the faculty are snickering throughout the auditorium). This usually unflappable staff member turns bright red and then corrects himself, "Uh, I mean, Sam Allen." This happened a couple years ago, and he still gets grief to this day about it.
Oh sweet Jesus there are tears in my eyes here at work.
Were you there with your friends Steve King and David Duke?
I can just picture Alex going back to the kitchen and telling his sassy African American friend, "This white girl is TRIPPIN!"
Anyway. We walk in the front door, and they have a sandwich-style sign announcing that the featured dessert that night was a "chocolate hazelnut creme brulee." Janny is the cook in our house, so he explained to me as we walked in that it was code for Nutella creme brulee (I have a big ol' Nutella boner in general), but that they couldn't really say Nutella.
Sorry Ang, but I got a really NSFW picture in my head when I read that line.
There may be movies like that as well. Not that I know for sure, but anything is possible.
When I worked for Payless Cashways, we had a very naive gal that sold kitchen cabinets. In the break room - with several people there - she was describing a male customer who was wearing a very nice cologne. One other gal said, "What did it smell like?" And she replied, "It had a woody smell." It was quiet for a minute, and the other gal said, "I've smelled some woodies, and they didn't smell very good."
Hilarity ensued.
Hilarity ensued.
Cyclone related. Back before forums there was a Cyclone fans list server, basically just an extended email group some mod could add you to. Posted something to the group that was meant for live-in girlfriend. Wasn't that bad a message but not something to share. I was embarrassed as **** but even though I got laughed at a little it was nothing like the reaction something like that would get here today. Gentler time I think.
I was embarrassed as **** but even though I got laughed at a little it was nothing like the reaction something like that would get here today. Gentler time I think.
It was horrifying once I realized what it sounded like I said. I felt AWFUL. But neither Janny nor I can tell the story without crying.
