Help: I’m going to be a father

[CYdTracked]

Haven't ready through all the replies but as a father of 2 here's a few thoughts.

Not sure if anyone specifically addressed the part where you said you are pregnant out of wedlock and your fear of telling parents. I didn't have to go through this but have friends that did and depending on the parents the initial reaction may not be fun but most of them once they accept the reality of the situation will get over any anger they have and support you. I mean that child is going to be their grandkid and if they want to be a part of their life they will have to accept the situation and move on and love that child regardless. May make for some tense moments and time before the baby arrives but if you can get past that a new grandchild usually smooths things over with the parents at some point.

Like many others have said, this is no longer about you but the child and your partner. They come first over anything you have going on in your life. That's not to say some of us dad's here aren't guilty of putting ourselves first at times because we can't help it but the more you commit to what they have going on before anything you do, those times where you really want to do something for yourself become easier for your partner and kids to let you have over what they have going on. Kids are sponges so everything you say or do or the type of things you do in in their presence is going to have either a positive or negative impact as they grow. We aren't perfect and will make mistake but just be present and form a relationship with your kids. My 2 daughters are completely different personalities so it's an always changing thing with adapting to whatever they are going through or have going on. My oldest is 11 and feels like going on 16 already with the mood swings but at the end of the day even if she gets mad at me over something during the day - even if I did nothing wrong that caused it - we still hug and end the day on a good note at bed time.

As for your relationship with your partner, don't go to bed angry. Whatever it is you can always work it out and make an effort to get to a point before going to bed where you aren't angry and have a plan to talk/work out whatever is the source of it. I also have a "let's not start the day off on a bad note" rule with my wife as there are times where she may snap at me first thing in the morning over something stupid and then I leave for work in a bad mood and it sometimes affect my day. I've done it myself as well so I'm not 100% innocent but I've had mornings where I didn't even get in the shower yet and my wife dropped a 4 letter word at me or in regards to something that was going on at the moment that apparently frustrated her which I usually respond with something like "what a great way to start the day, good morning to you too I love you!" That doesn't exactly go over well either but once things settle down I usually get an apology. You are going to have fights over stupid things and that is normal. You work through it no matter if its a big or small thing. A couple that doesn't fight probably has other issues going on and not communicating and keeping it bottled up usually never ends well.

 

[soccercy]

Good evening all, my girlfriend and I (25 and 26) recently learned she’s pregnant. I never in my life imagined I’d have a baby out of wedlock, though I’m confident this is the woman I was going to marry regardless. I definitely will now! Outside of the fear of telling her parents, I’m very excited and looking forward to this chapter. I am a home owner, I’m financially stable, but again, not married. My dad passed away via suicide when I was 4, so my memories of a father-son relationship are slim and none. Any advice in general for this process and any must-know’s for being a “young” dad that wants to be the dad I never had? My mom passed away last year so I’m really anxious to have a family of my own.

Haven't read through all of the comments in this thread, but it all brings back memories. Was in almost the exact same spot as you about 19 years ago. Wasn't planning on being a dad at the time, but financially stable and was super excited. We got married after our daughter was born, she was our ring bearer. Didn't want to force getting married because of our daughter. Now she's a freshman in college and I miss not having her at home immensely. Our son is a junior in high school so closing in on being empty nesters.

Best advice is start saving incrementally and get used to expenses. We started buying diapers as soon as we found out, got used to the expense and had a stockpile by the time she arrived. Started a savings account right away, we didn't do a 529, we invested in her name with Edward Jones and that has worked out great for us. May have only been $25 a month back then, but over her life that became pretty significant as we were able to add more. Also important to have savings set aside for emergencies so that if you have a big unexpected expense it isn't a huge setback.

But the best advice is to appreciate all the moments, small times, things that don't seem big at the time. You'll miss them. Baby stage goes fast to toddler to preschool to elementary to middle school to high school and then all of the lasts. Always loved the new stages, but always missed the old ones too. So embrace it all, be there for it all. Work will always be there so if you can help it, don't miss a thing! Volunteer at school, be a part of it all. And if you can, always take the trip, go on vacation, enjoy time as a family!

 

[burn587]

Bluey is amazing. Bow down before your new favorite show.

I don’t even have kids and I’m hooked on that show. Friends with kids showed it to us and I was shocked how entertaining it was.

 

[coolerifyoudid]

He asks, jokingly of course. I think the last time I tried was his freshman year of high school to see if I still could. We were laughing so hard I am surprised I didn’t drop him. I got him up there though.

 

[TXCyclones]

Good evening all, my girlfriend and I (25 and 26) recently learned she’s pregnant. I never in my life imagined I’d have a baby out of wedlock, though I’m confident this is the woman I was going to marry regardless. I definitely will now! Outside of the fear of telling her parents, I’m very excited and looking forward to this chapter. I am a home owner, I’m financially stable, but again, not married. My dad passed away via suicide when I was 4, so my memories of a father-son relationship are slim and none. Any advice in general for this process and any must-know’s for being a “young” dad that wants to be the dad I never had? My mom passed away last year so I’m really anxious to have a family of my own.

I think most guys inherently hope they have a son. But I have to say that having a girl helped me tremendously! The biggest piece of advice I have for anyone who is going to be a Dad is this. If you have a girl, do everything with that little girl that you'd do if she were born a boy. Baseball, model rockets, fishing, etc., etc. everything!!

And then, regardless of gender, you have until that kid is appx 11 years old to teach them the values they'll carry in life. After 11 you're pretty much done and society/peers take over. Talk to them like humans. DON'T say "BECAUSE I TOLD YOU SO!" Instead, tell them the "why" you want them to do (or not do) something! Be vulnerable and explain why you want them to do something based on your experience "when I was your age I wish I had known x, and I want more for you".

 

[cyfan964]

Know that in a blink of an eye they'll be graduating and moving out and you'll wish you had done more with them. They can be annoying little ********, and it isn't easy all the time, but always do your best. Be the yes parent. It doesn't cost a lot of money to do fun things, just be present and excited to spend time with them.

 

[KnappShack]

Know that in a blink of an eye they'll be graduating and moving out and you'll wish you had done more with them. They can be annoying little ********, and it isn't easy all the time, but always do your best. Be the yes parent. It doesn't cost a lot of money to do fun things, just be present and excited to spend time with them.

No clue if this is real, but it seems right

Roughly 75% of the time you'll ever spend with your children happens up to age 12. By age 18, it jumps to 90%. With kids, those small precious moments eventually become precious memories; it happens without us ever realizing it.

 

[BCClone]

You want the best advice source???? Don’t hunt down books or online sources, find 2-3 couples that have 4-5 kids each. The more the better, they are surviving that.

One kid, you and your SO can tag team it, not too rough.

Two kids, you each take one, still pretty easy to maneuver.

Three kids, one of you gets double teamed (this is where things get tougher), but one has only one when splitting them up.

4 or more and no one has just one. These people have to have a system and make it work. They are your best source.

 

[ruxCYtable]

Good evening all, my girlfriend and I (25 and 26) recently learned she’s pregnant. I never in my life imagined I’d have a baby out of wedlock, though I’m confident this is the woman I was going to marry regardless. I definitely will now! Outside of the fear of telling her parents, I’m very excited and looking forward to this chapter. I am a home owner, I’m financially stable, but again, not married. My dad passed away via suicide when I was 4, so my memories of a father-son relationship are slim and none. Any advice in general for this process and any must-know’s for being a “young” dad that wants to be the dad I never had? My mom passed away last year so I’m really anxious to have a family of my own.

Don't read the stupid books. Parent from the heart and you will be a great dad.

The first eight weeks suck and there's no getting around it. You'll feel like a prisoner in your own home. After that, it gets better and FAST.

Speaking of fast, that's also how your baby's childhood will go. At times, I can't believe I'm a father, and my kids are 22 and 24. Enjoy and be present in every moment.

 

[Dirt Boy 2]

Congrats! It is daunting when you find out at first, isn't it?

Just remember your job is to love and protect your wife and child, in every little way you can think of. If you can do that, it all sort of sorts itself out. Teach your child good manners starting as soon as they have the capacity. Parenting books are fine, but once you've been in the trenches a while, you'll accept that there is no perfect "program" to raising a good human. Try to be the kind of person, as an adult looking back, that you would look up to as a kid, and odds are you'll do just fine.

And I'll just add one more thing. There will be a point, maybe three years from now, maybe ten, where you two will look at each other and think you aren't doing as well as you should. Other people's kids will be better behaved when you see them, or farther along in school or sports. You'll feel swamped by all the running around chasing activities and maybe a little burned out by it all. Your kids feel like they are helpless for the longest time, and it will seem as though you need to be right there by them in everything, just to get by. And then suddenly, they aren't small or helpless any more and you really get the payoff for all the energy you have put into them. It's absolutely insane how fast it happens when the time comes. And when you look back, you'll realize that those harder days were really important to their development and appreciate it more.

Last part is true. 0-6 years you can just pour so much into them and they drink it up. You have to do small amounts at a time but if you’re consistent it’s a lot.
My son is getting to the point of wanting time with friends so dad isn’t as big of a deal. He needs the social interaction too.

 

[Tre4ISU]

But even then when you recharge or seek counseling, it still has (or probably should have) a direction towards becoming your best self as a father.

I’m all in on team “you come last”.

Yeah, there's no other option. You're last. Sure, your wife or SO will give some grace and you will be able to do some things you enjoy but that happens when it works out. I would say it's best not to approach it from a place of misery and sadness, more from the direction of this being your purpose in life now. It gives you a much better perspective than the "no one gives a **** about dad" line of thought. That's not the case either. It's just that everyone needs your support more than you need theirs for a little while. I've had 2 in 2.5 years. Here's some things I would advise:

-You and your SO are on the same team. You will be tested but keep that in mind at all times, especially when/if no one is sleeping

-No one actually knows the exact right thing to do all of the time. Don't think you should either.

-They are probably hungry or need a diaper changed

-When they're little, enjoy any alone time sitting in the recliner with them as you can because in a few months, they will barely sit still

 

[ScottyP]

Lots of great advice given already.

Jump right in on the parenting and be an active parent. Don't be the a**hole that refuses to change diapers or won't get up in the night to take care of the baby. Some of my favorite moments were snuggling and rocking the baby in the night. It also allowed me to catch up on CF discussions. Change diapers, clean bottles, cook dinner, burp the baby. You and your SO are on the same team.

Give your SO some time for herself. Encourage her to go get her nails done, shopping, etc. Give her lots of opportunities to relax and re-charge. This helps with the relationship, re-charges her batteries to be more effective parent and allows you to bond with your little one.

Get a recliner/rocker to put in the baby's room to make night feedings and rocking to sleep much more comfortable. One mistake I did was buy the classic lay-z-boy with the mechanical and it would wake the baby up when I put it down. Get an electric one, if possible.

Look into buying a decent size deep freeze in case you decide to pump and freeze milk. Formula is crazy expensive so it can pay for itself.

Don't be afraid to take your little one out in public. Honestly, it is a lot easier to take a 2-month old out to dinner than a 2-year old. The baby sleeps most of the time and her cries aren't as loud (lungs aren't as developed yet.

Encourage your SO to reach out to friends to get a meal train started for you. Makes life a little bit easier when you don't have to worry about a few meals.

Have your SO contact someone regarding a lactation consultant if she plans to breastfeed or pump. My wife had latching issues but the consultant was able to adjust her pump to double the supply she got from a pumping session. Also, encourage your SO to look into pelvic floor physical therapy.

 

[zumbro clones]

Something else to consider to healthcare. Infants and toddlers are sick quite a bit. Colds, ear infections, GI problems, etc. from minor to troublesome are things to deal with. They can be more frequent as they interact with other children at playgroups or daycare.

Find a good pediatrician and urgent care/nurse-line that you can use for stressful times. Talk to other parents about who they use for their kids' health concerns. A good network really helps when these problems arise.

 

[cycub51]

The biggest surprise about being a parent is how quickly it seems like that baby has been in your life forever. Also how quickly you forget what life was like before having them.

I was just thinking this morning about a college break I had and how wild it was to have 3-4 weeks off with nothing to do. No job or kids to take care of. Another lifetime for sure.

 

[Dirt Boy 2]

Hardest thing I ever did was drive out of the hospital parking lot with my first born. I drove like a 95 year old grandpa on the way home. First at 40 I think all the things that can go wrong. First night home was a bear. Kid was fed and dry and still screamed. I learned later the baby has to make adjustments and was just as scared as we were. He also developed colic which is harder on first time parents than water torture. 3 hours of screaming a day from 6-9 pm almost to the minute. My wife couldn’t take it. So I held the little bugger at the other end of the house while she was in the jet tub with loud music. My nerves were fried at the end of 3 hours. For over 3 weeks. Took him to the chiropractor and had him adjusted a couple times. That knocked off 2 hours of screaming to one which some call the witching hour from 6-7pm almost like clockwork. I think that went on for a month or so.
We also used an app called the wonder weeks. It fit our son to a T. Gives you an idea of the different stages your baby is going through. Our daughter did not follow it at all, so YMMV. It is fun to reminisce but colic is a *****. I’ve seen women with grown kids cry when they remember. Ours was short compared to some.

 

[jbclone10]

I don't think I have anything different to add than what's already been said... I've got a 5yr, 2yr and my wife is due in a month with our 3rd (And final!!)

1) Communication with your partner is key. There are going to be ****** days and great days. Remember its you two taking on the world together. Not who's doing more / what in any given day.
2) The first few months are rough. You'll have to adjust to your new schedule. I called it the "three hour repeater" and its draining.
3) The next few months after the baby is sleeping through the night and the milestones they hit are just crazy to witness.
4) Be present. Be engaged. Your kid will pick up on that pretty quickly.
5) A change of scenery does a lot of good for everyone. Weather permitting walk outside as a family. Go to restaurants, zoo's, museums, etc...
6) Tomorrow is another day.
7) Document it all. Personally I can't believe my 5yr is already 5.

 

[bawbie]

You want the best advice source???? Don’t hunt down books or online sources, find 2-3 couples that have 4-5 kids each. The more the better, they are surviving that.

One kid, you and your SO can tag team it, not too rough.

Two kids, you each take one, still pretty easy to maneuver.

Three kids, one of you gets double teamed (this is where things get tougher), but one has only one when splitting them up.

4 or more and no one has just one. These people have to have a system and make it work. They are your best source.

The best parenting saying I've ever heard is:
When you go from 2 kids to 3 kids, you have to switch from a man-to-man defense to a zone defense.

Of course, we stopped at 2, I didn't want to go zone

 

[rrj98]

I always made a game of it. Let’s pick up the blocks. No! Ok, how about we take the blocks and try to toss them into the container and see who can get more in? Ok! Worked every time.

Time to go upstairs to bed. No! We don’t want to go to bed! How about if I carry upside down to your room so you can get ready for bed! Ok! Worked every time. In fact my college aged kid will still bring that up.

Regarding bed time, I did something similar. I would carry him 'Superman' style up & down the stairs a couple of time & then we would 'land' in bed. It worked every single time

 

[Chitowncy]

Being on your phone while with your kid, you’re not there in my opinion. To me, being there means mentally and physically being there and interacting with the kid.

Congratulations, first and foremost. You are obviously a thoughtful person if you're asking for advice and have a good heart. Follow your conscience with your child(ren) and always remember you are setting an example for him or her (or them, perhaps someday). Your kids will emulate you and your actions and will learn what is right or wrong from you, what is acceptable and not, by how you act. If you've grown accustomed to taking shortcuts in life, you may now realize you're setting an example and am a "leader" to these little people, and such actions may no longer be appropriate as the child(ren) grow older and learn from you. Show them how to act by acting that way yourself.

Secondly, I quoted the above because I think it's so important now (and a good reminder to myself to be present with my children) and I hope a new generation of parents is realizing that we need to set healthy boundaries and healthy relationships with technology. That goes for ourselves, and our children.

My children are 10 and 8. Neither has a phone. Neither ever asks for one (yet; I'm sure that day will come soon). Both play outside a lot by themselves and with other children, love reading a lot, play the piano and string instruments and play lots of sports. In general, they do not think of screens or video games much. They also perform at the highest in their class academically and both participate in extended learning and take classes above their grade in math. We never really introduced them to screens too much and we were very cognizant and deliberate fostering the relationship the children have with electronic devices. I think being cognizant about screens is a positive influence on the rest of their development. Certainly, there's a time and a place and as my oldest is getting older and some of his buddies play video games, it's becoming harder to avoid that and we let him play with all of them when he goes over to their houses and these other kids seem to be more addicted to it. He does have a NES Switch, but doesn't ask to play it too often - generally only on the weekend for a bit.

I say all of this because I think one of the most important things you'll want to think through in the future is how to build a healthy relationship with electronic devices for your child(ren), and decide how to introduce and when to introduce screens. In general, if they aren't asking for it, why introduce it? I think electronics are contributing mightily to the lack of focus and inability to concentrate for longer periods of time in younger generations, then there's the social influence of social media and cyberbullying on young children, and negative mental health effects. Here's a synopsis of a study done by the Children's Hospital of Orange County on screen time. You can see the very negative developmental effects on very young children (24 months and younger) when they grow up with a TV on in the background all the time or being given screens. Their ability to manage emotions, focus and be social is severely negatively impacted:

The effects of screen time on children: The latest research parents should know - CHOC - Children's health hub

Discover the effects of screen time on children, recommendations for healthy use, and tips for parents from a CHOC expert.

health.choc.org

I hope we can do better and if I had one piece of advice in the coming years it would be to think long and hard about the kind of example you want to set with electronics with your child(ren).

That's well into the future for you. Congratulations again! I'm sure you'll do well as you're already seeking out advice and being thoughtful.

 

[CheapClone1202]

The best parenting saying I've ever heard is:
When you go from 2 kids to 3 kids, you have to switch from a man-to-man defense to a zone defense.

Of course, we stopped at 2, I didn't want to go zone

Scott Drew must have a lot of kids. But no timeouts!