Aging parents - questions to ask

[RLD4ISU]

My Mom has dementia and we are nearing the time where she needs to go to a nursing home. My Dad is meeting with a local nursing home and also with his attorney to get some questions answered. My sister is going with to take notes since there's a good chance Dad won't remember it all. My sister & I are the only children and we're putting together a list of questions for both appointments - like what do we need in place in case Dad dies while Mom is in the nursing home. Since we've not been through this before, what questions should we ask? And, yes, I'm also looking online for ideas. I'm just looking for some thoughts from those that have been in this spot or have planned for it.

 

[Rabbuk]

Aging Services

The HHS division of Aging and Disability services provides support and services to Iowans aged 60 years and older, as well as their families.

iowaaging.gov

I'm not super sure where you're located but many counties have support groups for caregivers as well as counselors you as a caregiver can go to and get questions answered. I know there is a stigma on counseling in general but realistically you only have one set of parents so everything you do is a first for you and sometimes talking to someone who is an expert is nice.

 

[BCClone]

My Mom has dementia and we are nearing the time where she needs to go to a nursing home. My Dad is meeting with a local nursing home and also with his attorney to get some questions answered. My sister is going with to take notes since there's a good chance Dad won't remember it all. My sister & I are the only children and we're putting together a list of questions for both appointments - like what do we need in place in case Dad dies while Mom is in the nursing home. Since we've not been through this before, what questions should we ask? And, yes, I'm also looking online for ideas. I'm just looking for some thoughts from those that have been in this spot or have planned for it.

What activities and how often?

If they attend church, what pastors come and do they do communion there, services, others?

Can people visit at any time within reason?

Do they have experience with dementia and/or have special areas for those with that?

Any special restrictions?

Meds, do they require you to go through them or do you have to set theM up?

Do they take the people to doctors appointments, call you, call an ambulance, call a transfer service?

If you have LTC, do they help with paperwork?

What do you have to line up? A phone? Cable TV? Etc?

How much clothes should you bring and how/who labels it?

Are you responsible for daily use stuff yo purchase? Like toothpaste, depends, mouthwash, etc.

 

[wxman1]

My Mom has dementia and we are nearing the time where she needs to go to a nursing home. My Dad is meeting with a local nursing home and also with his attorney to get some questions answered. My sister is going with to take notes since there's a good chance Dad won't remember it all. My sister & I are the only children and we're putting together a list of questions for both appointments - like what do we need in place in case Dad dies while Mom is in the nursing home. Since we've not been through this before, what questions should we ask? And, yes, I'm also looking online for ideas. I'm just looking for some thoughts from those that have been in this spot or have planned for it.

Power of Attorney is probably the most important thing to get straightened out now and then knowing the process of what needs to happen to enact it. Also ask about care giver support groups, you don't know it now but you need to get all of you in one. Be prepared for her to decline after moving out.

If getting into something isn't an immediate option contact Home Instead for near term home care/help.

Those are a few of the things that I can remember when we went through moving my grandfather out with Alzheimer's.

 

[BCClone]

The one my mom went to was private and financials was the biggest thing there. They wanted financial statements, taxes and everything. I told them to screw off and I would be moving her then as soon as the Medicare/supplemental insurance stopped paying, they backpedaled fast. This was even after I told them how many acres she owned and that her house in town was free and clear.

 

[MeanDean]

What activities and how often?

If they attend church, what pastors come and do they do communion there, services, others?

Can people visit at any time within reason?

Do they have experience with dementia and/or have special areas for those with that?

Any special restrictions?

Meds, do they require you to go through them or do you have to set theM up?

Do they take the people to doctors appointments, call you, call an ambulance, call a transfer service?

If you have LTC, do they help with paperwork?

What do you have to line up? A phone? Cable TV? Etc?

How much clothes should you bring and how/who labels it?

Are you responsible for daily use stuff yo purchase? Like toothpaste, depends, mouthwash, etc.

Excellent list of questions.

Also ask about procedures and limitations for taking them out for meals, holidays, day trips etc. Some insurance programs become void if you take a person out overnight a certain number of days. They figure if you can go without full time care once, maybe they don't need long term care. Dumb, but we encountered that with my Mom a while back.

 

[RLD4ISU]

Aging Services

The HHS division of Aging and Disability services provides support and services to Iowans aged 60 years and older, as well as their families.

iowaaging.gov

I'm not super sure where you're located but many counties have support groups for caregivers as well as counselors you as a caregiver can go to and get questions answered. I know there is a stigma on counseling in general but realistically you only have one set of parents so everything you do is a first for you and sometimes talking to someone who is an expert is nice.

Parents and sister are in Iowa, so thank you for the link. And the suggestion for counseling. (Not a stigma with us)

What activities and how often?

If they attend church, what pastors come and do they do communion there, services, others?

Can people visit at any time within reason?

Do they have experience with dementia and/or have special areas for those with that?

Any special restrictions?

Meds, do they require you to go through them or do you have to set theM up?

Do they take the people to doctors appointments, call you, call an ambulance, call a transfer service?

If you have LTC, do they help with paperwork?

What do you have to line up? A phone? Cable TV? Etc?

How much clothes should you bring and how/who labels it?

Are you responsible for daily use stuff yo purchase? Like toothpaste, depends, mouthwash, etc.

Good questions! Thanks!!

Power of Attorney is probably the most important thing to get straightened out now and then knowing the process of what needs to happen to enact it. Also ask about care giver support groups, you don't know it now but you need to get all of you in one. Be prepared for her to decline after moving out.

If getting into something isn't an immediate option contact Home Instead for near term home care/help.

Those are a few of the things that I can remember when we went through moving my grandfather out with Alzheimer's.

The POA is something my sister and I want answered and figured out ASAP. We have a nurse that comes in 2x a week for a couple of hours.

The one my mom went to was private and financials was the biggest thing there. They wanted financial statements, taxes and everything. I told them to screw off and I would be moving her then as soon as the Medicare/supplemental insurance stopped paying, they backpedaled fast. This was even after I told them how many acres she owned and that her house in town was free and clear.

Wow!! All of that info? Yikes!

 

[RLD4ISU]

Excellent list of questions.

Also ask about procedures and limitations for taking them out for meals, holidays, day trips etc. Some insurance programs become void if you take a person out overnight a certain number of days. They figure if you can go without full time care once, maybe they don't need long term care. Dumb, but we encountered that with my Mom a while back.

More good questions. Thank you!

 

[BCClone]

Parents and sister are in Iowa, so thank you for the link. And the suggestion for counseling. (Not a stigma with us)




Good questions! Thanks!!





The POA is something my sister and I want answered and figured out ASAP. We have a nurse that comes in 2x a week for a couple of hours.



Wow!! All of that info? Yikes!

If you have an attorney, he can make you copies that you basically fill in the names and have a notary come to the center or take her somewhere to sign. I had about 3 different kinds. I was also an authorized signer on her accounts so I could manage them.

Find out if they provide physical therapy also, even a little is better than them sitting there the whole day and muscles going bad.

 

[theshadow]

My Mom has dementia and we are nearing the time where she needs to go to a nursing home. My Dad is meeting with a local nursing home and also with his attorney to get some questions answered. My sister is going with to take notes since there's a good chance Dad won't remember it all. My sister & I are the only children and we're putting together a list of questions for both appointments - like what do we need in place in case Dad dies while Mom is in the nursing home. Since we've not been through this before, what questions should we ask? And, yes, I'm also looking online for ideas. I'm just looking for some thoughts from those that have been in this spot or have planned for it.

Been through this recently (in Iowa). My position is to have as much planning done ahead of time as possible, so this list may seem a little long.

Financial/legal
*Will(s)
*"Regular" POA
*Medical POA / living will / DNR forms
*LTC insurance - what is the facility's procedure and what is your carrier's procedure (may have a 90-day waiting period before insurance will start covering)
*Add names/authorized signers on bank accounts (in case the bank is skittish about a bunch of POA transactions)
*Gather up SSN card, Medicare/Medicaid card, IDs, and any documentation of other assets (investments, property, vehicle titles, etc.)

Medical
*Doctor assessment (important for both LTC and facility)
*Sign up for (or get access to) MyChart, OneChart, or whatever type of online communications the doctor's office offers

Facility
*Payments (see LTC procedures)
*Levels of care - they will likely offer different levels of care depending on condition (mobility, "personal" care, eating, etc.)
*If they have separate "assisted living" and "nursing/memory care" wings, they may ask to do an assessment to see which she is better suited for, and at what level of care. They'll probably lean toward going straight into memory care so you don't have to move her twice within the building.
*Amenities - bring along a tape measure and sketch pad so you know what will fit in her space
*Terms of use/rental terms - it may be just like renting an apartment as far as terms and conditions

Hospice
*Depending on how far along your mom's condition is, possibly start investigating area hospice providers -- e.g., do they offer service in the facility, or only at home?

Funeral
*Seems a little morbid, but start identifying specific things she may want in regards to services while she is still able to decide/answer
*Have a preliminary meeting with the preferred funeral home so you can at the very least have a checklist of what will need to be done on that front, plus get an idea of costs

 

[Kinch]

First is the siblings are on the same page. No fighting, everyone get along. Then as mentioned POA. Then, make sure are all aware of your moms finances, including what insurance your mom and dad had over the years. Also. check bank account to see exactly what is being auto pay. Chances are, your dad took out something like a whole life policy that they are still paying. Finally, enjoy your parents final years as much as you can and visit your mom often.

 

[CloneHead]

Many times dementia patients will spend a lot of time walking.
Is this a specialized memory care facility that allow patients to walk unencumbered with few obstacles?
How is the security around the exits? Do they have alarms?
What is the care facilities safety record?
Do they have an activity director?

 

[VeloClone]

My mom ended up in the hospital almost a year ago. In the hospital it became clear that she was not going to be able to live alone anymore so she went directly from the hospital to a nursing home. Just this week I got a text from my sister that at the hospital they diagnosed Mom with dementia and never bothered to share this information with my sister - her closest relative and has POA - or the nursing home. So now 9 months later as her dementia has progressed we are trying to start her on medication to slow the progression - medication that she should have started 9 months ago. But she has gotten surly as it has progressed and doesn't want to take any more medication.

I could get messing up and not informing one or the other - but not informing family or the care facility is a pretty big screw up in my book.

I will have to call Mom to try to talk through her concerns on this and may very well have to take a special trip down to Eastern Iowa to talk with her in person on this. I am more than a little ticked about this.

 

[RLD4ISU]

Been through this recently (in Iowa). My position is to have as much planning done ahead of time as possible, so this list may seem a little long.

Financial/legal
*Will(s)
*"Regular" POA
*Medical POA / living will / DNR forms
*LTC insurance - what is the facility's procedure and what is your carrier's procedure (may have a 90-day waiting period before insurance will start covering)
*Add names/authorized signers on bank accounts (in case the bank is skittish about a bunch of POA transactions)
*Gather up SSN card, Medicare/Medicaid card, IDs, and any documentation of other assets (investments, property, vehicle titles, etc.)

Medical
*Doctor assessment (important for both LTC and facility)
*Sign up for (or get access to) MyChart, OneChart, or whatever type of online communications the doctor's office offers

Facility
*Payments (see LTC procedures)
*Levels of care - they will likely offer different levels of care depending on condition (mobility, "personal" care, eating, etc.)
*If they have separate "assisted living" and "nursing/memory care" wings, they may ask to do an assessment to see which she is better suited for, and at what level of care. They'll probably lean toward going straight into memory care so you don't have to move her twice within the building.
*Amenities - bring along a tape measure and sketch pad so you know what will fit in her space
*Terms of use/rental terms - it may be just like renting an apartment as far as terms and conditions

Hospice
*Depending on how far along your mom's condition is, possibly start investigating area hospice providers -- e.g., do they offer service in the facility, or only at home?

Funeral
*Seems a little morbid, but start identifying specific things she may want in regards to services while she is still able to decide/answer
*Have a preliminary meeting with the preferred funeral home so you can at the very least have a checklist of what will need to be done on that front, plus get an idea of costs

Thanks. With my Dad beginning to forget things, I think my sister and I also need to make sure we know where all of that is.

Funeral part - We've talked a lot about all of this over the past 14+ years after my husband & I lost our son. My parents have their burial plots and headstones already purchased/set. And she's told me two songs she wants. That's about all I've been able to get them to do. My in-laws, though....they paid for their funerals and picked everything out years ago. MIL died 11 years ago - she even had the dress and jewelry she wanted to buried in picked out and set aside. (She'd had some health problems). The only thing the family had to decide on & purchase was the flowers for the casket.

 

[RLD4ISU]

First is the siblings are on the same page. No fighting, everyone get along. Then as mentioned POA. Then, make sure are all aware of your moms finances, including what insurance your mom and dad had over the years. Also. check bank account to see exactly what is being auto pay. Chances are, your dad took out something like a whole life policy that they are still paying. Finally, enjoy your parents final years as much as you can and visit your mom often.

Yeah, just the two of us so we get along. I've asked over the years about life insurance policies - none. I was shocked and said I hoped they had their funerals paid for.

 

[WooBadger18]

Also on the POAs, wills, etc., keep in mind that you have to competent in order to sign. People have good days and bad days, but it makes sense to do it earlier rather than later.

Also, in Wisconsin we have a document called an authorization for final disposition that gives certain people authority to make the funeral arrangements, etc. and has a place to put specific desires which can be useful if it’s a thing in Iowa

 

[WooBadger18]

Thanks. With my Dad beginning to forget things, I think my sister and I also need to make sure we know where all of that is.

Funeral part - We've talked a lot about all of this over the past 14+ years after my husband & I lost our son. My parents have their burial plots and headstones already purchased/set. And she's told me two songs she wants. That's about all I've been able to get them to do. My in-laws, though....they paid for their funerals and picked everything out years ago. MIL died 11 years ago - she even had the dress and jewelry she wanted to buried in picked out and set aside. (She'd had some health problems). The only thing the family had to decide on & purchase was the flowers for the casket.

Also, if it’s in the safety deposit box, make sure you or your sibling can get into it.

 

[RLD4ISU]

My mom ended up in the hospital almost a year ago. In the hospital it became clear that she was not going to be able to live alone anymore so she went directly from the hospital to a nursing home. Just this week I got a text from my sister that at the hospital they diagnosed Mom with dementia and never bothered to share this information with my sister - her closest relative and has POA - or the nursing home. So now 9 months later as her dementia has progressed we are trying to start her on medication to slow the progression - medication that she should have started 9 months ago. But she has gotten surly as it has progressed and doesn't want to take any more medication.

I could get messing up and not informing one or the other - but not informing family or the care facility is a pretty big screw up in my book.

I will have to call Mom to try to talk through her concerns on this and may very well have to take a special trip down to Eastern Iowa to talk with her in person on this. I am more than a little ticked about this.

HIPAA laws suck in that circumstance. It's amazing how often the POA thing is not remembered. Truly very sorry to hear about your struggles. Dementia sucks. My mom refuses to take medications. Dad doesn't want to upset her. Her neurologist told her last fall there's nothing more that can be done and only she could help slow the process by: exercising, regularly taking her medications, socializing and doing brain exercises. She nodded her head, went home and did nothing. My sister and I have researched a lot about the progress of dementia and tried to get my parents to start being proactive instead of reactive, but it falls on deaf ears. At some point we (my sister and I) had to come to terms with the fact there's only so much we can do until they get to a point they're willing to change or we are legally able to change things. It's hard.

 

[Cloneon]

My Mom has dementia and we are nearing the time where she needs to go to a nursing home. My Dad is meeting with a local nursing home and also with his attorney to get some questions answered. My sister is going with to take notes since there's a good chance Dad won't remember it all. My sister & I are the only children and we're putting together a list of questions for both appointments - like what do we need in place in case Dad dies while Mom is in the nursing home. Since we've not been through this before, what questions should we ask? And, yes, I'm also looking online for ideas. I'm just looking for some thoughts from those that have been in this spot or have planned for it.

My story is a horror story I hope no one ever experiences. I'll be brief. Parents divorced. Dad has will his whole life stipulating his wishes. He marries very late in life out of fear of dying alone. His wishes, both verbally and contractually remain the same, but with an equal share for his new wife. We understand. He develops Alzheimer's. We're prohibited by his wife from even seeing him; most likely because we'll inform him of what she'd done. Will, Power of Attorney, and Power of Health care gets changed leaving all his children completely out with everything going to his wife. We get legal counsel and are finally able to see him. At that point we could give a s%^&t about the will. We hadn't seen our father in 2 years. And when we did he couldn't remember any of us. Furthermore his bodily condition was deplorable. We started a background check. Two healthcare people assigned to take care of him at home on a part time bases conveyed 'abuse' and very poor care from his wife. By this time, we had zero recourse because of his confinement. Please note: his lifetime attorney was also changed, along with his Alzheimer's doctors.
PLEASE, PLEASE do not be complacent. Evil lurks where he or she could be taken advantage of. Especially, after one or the other's demise and a dementia related illness.

 

[CascadeClone]

*"Regular" POA
*Medical POA / living will / DNR forms

This. They are 2 separate things, and I am glad you noted it. Financial and medical.