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Welcome back to
Why Your Town Sucks, the series where we remind you that no matter how much civic pride you pretend to have, deep down, you know living there represents a personal failure. Today’s focus? The most requested town in 4 years: Marshalltown—a place so devoid of ambition that even the tornado that hit in 2018 looked around and said,
“Eh, halfway done is good enough.” Frankly, the tornado did more for urban renewal than any city plan in the last 50 years.
Your Town: Marshalltown. Population 27,591 (+.01% from 2010 +39 people). That’s damn-near 4 people per year!
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Marshalltown was founded in 1853 by Henry Anson, who looked at the vast Iowa landscape and thought,
“Let’s build something profoundly disappointing here” Originally just “Marshall,” the community added “-town” because
Marshall sounded too much like a discount-brand name.
Marshalltown had potential when railroads mattered but now it’s a town defined by abandoned big box stores, the lingering scent of pig carcasses, and an economy based on painkillers and Medicaid checks. Half the downtown is still pretending it’ll be rebuilt after the tornado, but at this point, it’s obvious that “reconstruction” is just another way of saying
“we gave up” or
"I hope the insurance check clears".
City Hall is an old Carnegie Library, which is no doubt a beautiful building. Unfortunately, like most “practical Iowans”, the town decided to add the cheapest, ugliest addition they could find, which is nothing more than a off-white box. Millennial gray three generations too soon. It’s like seeing
Sydney Sweeney Brooke Burke at the beach and telling her she looks better in a parka.
Local say Marshalltown would be successful if it just had two things: an Olive Garden and a Target. Unfortunately, Olive Garden picked nearby Ames for its next location and the only Target in Marshalltown will be the next suspect in an ICE raid.
Marshalltown went for Trump in the 2024 election. Apparently, they felt having new (non-white) residents was a bad thing. Nothing says
“I believe in our future” more than cutting the social programs on which you rely and deporting a third of the workforce.
Below: the northern and southern entrances into Marshalltown.
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Your County: Marshall County. Population 39,369 (-3.6% since 2020)
Home to one of the state's most beautiful courthouses, Marshall County’s claim to fame are soybeans, Walmart, and the optimism of people who think things might improve. Spoiler: they won’t. Complaining about “the big city of Marshalltown” is a pasttime in the rest of Marshall County. Thankfully they are just a quick jaunt over to Ames or Cedar Rapids on Highway 30. Residents get to the Des Moines metro area using a highway they call “the Diagonal”, which is special because most county residents rarely acknowledge anything that isn’t straight.
Your High School: Marshalltown High School
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Nearly 20% of Marshalltown does not have a high school degree. That’s not a reflection of the high school, because a school can’t be blamed for people who refuse to attend.
Marshalltown High School is best known for its swimming team, which sets up its players for a life in Marshalltown: they’ll go back-and-forth and back-and-forth and yet not get anywhere. The state swimming championships recently decided to leave Marshalltown after many decades. This will no doubt impact local stalwarts such as Kmart, Younkers, JCPenney, Staples, and KFC.
Recently the district celebrated its graduation rate
topping 90% for the first time in a decade. Surprisingly this beats the
state average of 88.3%. It seems students understand they need a high school degree to find jobs that will take them out of Marshalltown.
A football team exists, but mostly as a weekly confidence booster for the suburban teams that can afford equipment from this century. But there's a new track. Like swimming, athletes go around and around yet get nowhere. A new piece of artwork was installed outside of the “roundhouse” gym. If your foundation is crumbling, you can still repaint your walls.
The school mascot is the Bobcat and its colors are red white and blue. These colors do not run (except from the cops).
Your college:
Marshalltown Community College. Enrollment is increasing. There are now 704 full time students. I think my dorm at Iowa State had more than that. There is nothing else to say about MCC because it's not polite to kick people when they're down.
Your mayor:
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Joel Greer has been a “one-term mayor” since 2017. He has had to deal with a tornado, a derecho, a pandemic, and the never-ending struggle of pretending Marshalltown matters after the year 1963. Not much else is known about Joel other than his wife is a judge and he is both a Cyclone and Hawkeye fan. We’ll give him credit for one of those two.
Your Industries: HVAC Systems, meat cutting, and welding.
Marshalltown’s economy is built on three pillars of:
- Lennox, where they make HVAC systems that break three weeks after the warranty ends.
- JBS, a meatpacking plant that ensures the whole town smells like regret on a warm summer day. The locals who don’t work there call it “the smell of money.”
- Emerson, known locally as Fisher Controls because the Fisher name controls everything in town. A school, an art museum, a charity, all bear the name Fisher. Their motto is “Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a job at Fishers and he’ll be constantly scrolling Indeed for job postings in other cities.”
Famous People from Marshalltown
- Toby Huss – The voice of Boomhauer from King of the Hill.
- Cap Anson - An MLB player so racist even the University of Iowa kicked him out.
- Jean Seberg – A Hollywood actress who escaped Marshalltown, which is probably why she was successful until her suicide at age 40.
Honestly, we can’t believe it took that long.
- Jeremy Garten – A resident who chopped up a body in his house, dumped some of it in the trash, and called the garbage company to come haul it away. Was he part of the 90% graduation rate?
What’s New That Sucks
There is rarely anything new except what you're addicted to. Locals will say a new Fareway, Arby's, Menards, etc. count as growth. Sure, they're new buildings but the jobs still pay the bare minimum they can get away with. Youth in Marshalltown can often be heard saying, "I'd go to college but the new Fareway looks so nice I think I'll work there instead."
What Has Always Sucked
The roads, which double as an endurance test for your suspension.
What Doesn’t Totally Suck
If this were 2015 we would say Taco Johns, but even that has gone downhill since new ownership. It's bad business to take the best Taco John's in the nation and change everything about it when you buy the franchise. Sub City on Main Street is one of the best sub shops you will ever eat at. Support small business. The proximity to Ames.
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