***Official Insider Information Weekly Mailbag 10-9-2019***

[GTO]

Insider Information Weekly Mailbag 10-9-2019

Presented by Glenlivet pods: Finally. An explosion in your mouth that you’ll want to swallow. Glenlivet - the premier name in whiskey.


Dandy shares with us his recent dating experiences: Did y'all hear the new thing going around the interwebs called cockfishing? It's like catfishing but you send pics of other dude's bigger-than-your's dongs to get the girl's attention but then when it gets down to the dirty deed you are not as impressive as the picture. Can I already ask you to write about cockfishing in next week's Insider Info mailbag?


Doc wonders: Is there a way to know if your **** pics are being used to cockfish?


GTO: How does that even work? Does their **** have to go tanning to match the shade of the one in the picture, so as not to make it too obvious? Will girls have to start asking for the picture to be taken next to a quarter and with two forms of ID? So many questions. Doc - are you referring to your own, or the one you found on the internet to use for your own cockfishing?
Pants: I think you would probably have a pretty good idea, if you’re being honest with yourself, by looking at it if your own **** is being used to cockfish.
GTO: I think mine could be used to cockfish, but only in Asia..

Jcyclonee asks: To start off next week's mailbag questions early - Since you guys have already surpassed the writing skills of the CF staff, when are you going to start your new ISU fans website? Maybe call it Cyclone Fanatic Part Deux.

Pants: I’ve already been discussing this with GTO. Obviously there’s some time and effort that go into making a good website, but we’re working on finding a quality Angelfire host for our website. The process would definitely be expedited if we can get to 200 patrons on our Patreon page.
GTO: I’m probably just thinking as a website to be a repository of the mailbag itself. Maybe it grows into something more, but not trying to dethrone WRNL as the official Cyclone humor website.

Cy$ with the indecent proposal: getting BodeClone on your next one would help boost ratings, jmo.
If you want I'll ask him

GTO: Cy$ and I used to be pretty tight a few years ago. Until he sided with BodeClone and betrayed me.
Pants: **** that guy. GTO, please make sure to post the picture of BodeClone here.
GTO: I’ll have to look to see if I can find that.

BCClone with the application question: With the concern of sunburn and melanoma. When at the nude beach, how do you apply sunscreen to your junk without making it look like you’re pleasuring yourself?

Pants: I don’t use sunscreen for it, I have a sun hat that I put on it instead. It’s better for the environment than sunscreen.
GTO: This one is actually pretty simple. Step 1: squirt all contents of sunscreen bottle into a bucket. Step 2: place bucket on ground. Step 3: squat onto bucket and dip (just like a dipped ice cream cone). Step 4: ? Step 5: Profit

 

[GTO]

Cy$ with a blast from the past: First time listener, long time caller
This is Cy$ from CF, I've been a fan of the show for all 14 hours. What's the status of Bret Meyer for the game Saturday?
I'll hang up and listen.

GTO: He’s listed as year-to-year. Not looking good for this year. However, Tiller just came off injury list.
Pants: I believe this question was actually asked before the TCU game, so I’m going to say, not good for that game. Let me know if you want to know WVU and we’ll answer next week.

Cyclones500 with the music question for the week: Which band name is best among these--- regardless what you think of the music.
* Average White Band
* Insane Clown Posse
* Ugly Kid Joe

Pants: 100% Ugly Kid Joe. There’s not even anyone named Joe that is in or has ever been in the band. That’s a ballsy move.
GTO: Insane Clown Posse? Not impressed, as anyone who is a clown is already insane by nature. Average White Band? Too general, as the non-capitalized version of the name could refer to about 90% of bands out there. Hands down, I would go with Ugly Kid Joe. The name is oddly specific, while also mysterious. Who is this ugly kid Joe? Is he really that ugly, or just when he stands next to Brad Pitt? Has ugly kid Joe ever found love and did he outkick his coverage? So many questions.

CloneLawman asks: Question for the Insiders: Is it now officially BROCKTOBER???

GTO: Please refer this question to Gary Patterson or the TCU defender that was faked out by Purdy on that TD run.
Pants: J. Brock tried to put a little damper on Brocktober with that almost lost fumble, but Purdy made sure to emphasize to everyone this is his month.

VeloClone with the right question to ask of somebody who attended ISU: Are peanuts peas, nuts, or little kids with self esteem and relationship issues?

Pants: I’m allergic to this question.
GTO: Seriously, this is the George Washington Carver university! You should know that peanuts are actually a legume (although I do appreciate the Charlie Brown reference). Speaking of Charlie Brown, thank goodness that comic strip came out when it did. If that was made today, the poor kid would be so heavily medicated for anxiety, depression, etc. that it would be nothing like the comic strip we know today. Anyway, I digress. By the way, your next question better not be if peanut butter is 50% butter or I’ll lose it.

Cy$ questions: Why is douche not censored but **** vitale is?

GTO: For the same reason Hawkeye is not censored, I guess?
Pants: Douches are very valuable tools that are used for the health of women. Why do so many of you hate women. It’s 2019, guys, it’s time to love the ladies.

SpokaneCy comments: What's the difference between "laying heat" and "bringing the heat". I didn't use a question mark so this is just a statement seeking an answer - NOT a question.

Pants: I prefer to Beat the Heat.
GTO: There is a clear distinction. “Bringing the heat” means that you brought it but didn’t necessarily apply it, while “laying the heat” means you were directly responsible for administering the smackdown. Pretty similar to the difference between bringing pressure and actually getting the sack.

 

[GTO]

Cy$ trying to come up with the betting line: who would win in a fight? BDK or Clones21

GTO: How old is Clones21? Actually, nevermind. Clones21 all the way. Unless the fight involved squirting ketchup packets on fast food restaurant tables, then I would take BDK. Actually, what if BDK and Clones21 are clones of each other, like in Gemini Man? I don’t know who I would take then.
Pants: Is 21 the one with the hot mom? If so, BDK gets distracted as 21’s mom makes out with BDK’s mom and dad in the hot tub and 21 kicks him in the nuts. Fatality.
GTO: Dear Lord, I forgot all about BDK’s parents hot tub adventures.

NorthCyd asks: I burned my tickets after the Baylor game. I would now like to un-burn my tickets after today's game. How can I make this happen?

GTO: I think this may be a question better suited for @CycloneErik. I think he is the poster who always burns his tickets after losses. If he can’t provide a solution, I would recommend: 1. Build a time machine 2. Kill Hitler as a child, therefore preventing Brian Ferentz. 3. Hack into Big12 computer system and fake an Iowa State approval for shade tents in Waco. 4. Return to our timeline before the Iowa game. 5. Enjoy our 5-0 record and your unburnt tickets.
Pants: Speaking of baby Hitler, how do you NOT kill baby Hitler? Like, you KNOW what he’s going to become. “Oh but he’s a baby!” First off, baby’s are almost always ugly (GTO’s actually wasn’t, but that’s just because that kid was born with a fuller head of hair than I’ve ever had). Secondly, [REDACTED BY EDITOR TO MAINTAIN SPONSOR BRANDING] Problem over. No Hitler, no Nazis, Edward Norton ceases to exist because American History X is never made. Win-win-win.

BCClone asks: I was told my question didn’t follow the rules, what the fricksticks are the rules here then?

GTO: The rules are whatever the Insider Information mailbag says they are. The mailbag is tough, but fair. Merciless, but also forgiving.
Pants: The rules are pretty easy. Get your questions in before the time given even if there’s never any time given. You’re married, you should understand how this works.

Timm_redd asks: Why was TCU allowed to have a tent on the sidelines?

Pants: They had a tent? Please make sure we don’t allow Coleman to sponsor us again, GTO.
GTO: Because we don’t need to resort to cheap tactics to gain an edge. And also because our coach doesn’t look like a mix between Mark Ruffalo and an Oompa Loompa.

Doc asks: Which would you prefer to go without for the rest of your life?
Music
Pets
Motor vehicles

GTO: Having not had a pet for a couple of decades, I would go with pets. Vehicles are an absolute necessity and I listen to music whenever doing any chores at home or on long road trips.
Pants: This is a hard one. I love music. To the point that I’ve said if I had to choose being blind or deaf, I’d choose blind because I couldn’t imagine not being able to hear music. But I also love me dog more than any human. If it was like, no more pets after my current pet dies from natural causes, I’d probably go with that, as I don’t plan on getting another one after him. If it’s just in general, I’d probably say motor vehicles, even though I need it for work.

Ms3r4ISU with the time zone question for this week: So is that 9 p.m. CDT or 11 p.m. CDT?

Pants: Time is just a construct.
GTO: I was told there would be no math.

 

[GTO]

Sigmapolis asks: How is Mr. Pupper-Bupper, Pants?

GTO: I don’t even know what the **** this means, but this is the 3rd time Sigmapolis is asking this, so I hope Pants provides him with the response he needs.
Pants: He’s good. Those in the random thoughts thread know his saga a little better. He’s been diabetic for about two years now, so he needs insulin shots twice a day. He ended up going blind from cataracts from it. It was a correctable problem, but was roughly about $5000 to fix. An easy choice if he was younger, but tougher since he’s 11 years old. But after watching him do things like walking into walls and falling off of curbs and such, I decided I needed to do it, so I sacrificed my Hawaii vacation for his surgery. It was a process. He had to wear a cone for about 4 weeks, and had to get eye drops like, four times a day for about two months. There was a quick step back, as he scratched his face THROUGH his cone on the pavement and tore one of his eyes back open, but he’s doing great now. No cone and full vision again. GTO, I’ll try to include some pics on here that you can post.
GTO: Damn, that sucks. Glad he’s doing better.

Sigmapolis with the serious question: What do you two think will be our final basketball recruiting class this fall? Not the "final final" one maybe sometime this spring, but what will we have come December?


Pants: Our final recruiting class, but not our final final recruiting class? What does this even mean?
GTO: Final squared? I’m thinking Jaden Walker and I would say about 67.83% sure of Xavier Foster becoming a Cyclone. Just those two.

 

[GTO]

Cyched with the brain twister: Is cereal soup? Why or why not?

GTO: If you can eat it without any liquid or with milk - cereal. Unless you eat your cereal with water or chicken/beef broth.
Pants: No. Even though soup can be served cold, the process of making soup involves the boiling or simmering of the food in it. This one is pretty cut and dry. If you wanted to talk like, malt-o-meal or oatmeal, you’d be able to make more of a case.

Cy$ with one for our supervisor: Ive got a bunch you guys didn’t answer from last week. Where’s customer service?

Pants: “The customer is always right” is one of the most damaging phrases that’s ever happened to society. It’s cause people to think their needs matter the most regardless of the situation. It’s really caused a great deal of unearned entitlement within our society. Don’t blame millennials for the entitlement problems in this country, blame Generation X and Boomers for creating that ridiculous customer service standard.
Signed,
Someone that’s worked a lifetime in customer service
GTO: I need you to go ahead and put your complaint into this receptacle. What? It looks like a paper shredder, you say? I can assure you that it is not. Your information is totally confidential and will be handled with the utmost urgency. Thanks again for your business!

SCyclone trying to stump the Insider Information crew this week with the following: Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?

Pants: Do you not drive on a driveway? How do you get from the street to the house/garage? Do you stop on the street and push your car up?
GTO: Here is the boring answer (from Merriam-Webster):

“Both words came into written use in the 1800s, long before cars were even a glimmer in Henry Ford's eye. Parkway originally referred to a broad road through a park.

So there's the connection between parks and parkway, but why do we drive on them? Parkways were the perfect places to drive a carriage down for a scenic jaunt out. Once automobiles came on the scene, parkways became the province of the car. Driveway came into written use a bit earlier than parkway did. Unlike parkway, the word driveway didn't refer to where the path was (a drive), but what the path was for (driving). The earliest driveways were roads that ran alongside barns, where vehicles like wagons could drive up and either offload cargo (like hay, food, or livestock) or take on cargo (like hay, food, or livestock).

Of course, these access roads onto a property became handy places to park vehicles, and when the automobile age began, these off-street roads became ideal places to park the family car.” Now you can say you learned something from the mailbag.

CoKane asks: Asked a trolling question last week so going to do a serious one this week. Who do you think is our best pro prospect in both football and basketball?

Pants: Ohhhhhh…….basketball is fairly easy, I think, with Haliburton. If Conditt can beef up, with his height he could be a good candidate. Football is a little harder, I think. Measurables are SO important in the NFL. There’s guys that I’m sure will play in the pros like Purdy and Spears, I think our best pro prospect was probably Bailey. The injury may or may not effect that. Possibly Eisworth if he can stop popping his shoulder out any time he makes a tackle.
GTO: I think this one is actually pretty easy. Basketball - Halliburton. Football - Kolar (Charlie).

I asked @cyrocksmypants: I also have a question for this week. What the heck do we call that leg fake from Brock Purdy that left the TCU defender tackling the grass? Was that a stutter step, or something entirely different?

Pants: I’m shocked this is even a question. That’s a straight up hesitation move, or hes move for the hip kids.
GTO: Hesitation move? That is kind of what I thought as well, except for the higher kick.

 

[GTO]

Doc asks: The marching band issues got me thinking about how much time I wasted learning the saxophone. What instrument do you think is best for kids to learn?

GTO: Saxophone? Were you trying to be like Kenny G or Bill Clinton? Just think, you would be swimming in all that Golden Girl action. I don’t know jack about musical instruments. I was always better at art than music.
Pants: I played the saxophone in elementary school. My teacher hated me because I was naturally good, but never practiced to get better. He threatened to rip my fingernails out if I didn’t practice, so I stopped playing the saxophone. I play the guitar and ukulele now, but I think the obvious answer is the piano. It ties to so many other instruments and if you can learn scales on there, it makes things a lot easier with other instruments.

Lexclone asks: Obviously KU and Self we’re flying the double middle fingers at the NCAA when they opened the season with a money cannon, stripper-pole and Addidas t-shirt-dollar sign necklace filled celebration.

If @cyrocksmypants and @GTO were planning a celebration to send an FU to an NCAA investigation, what would it involve?

GTO: I think I would invite Self, Pitino, Roy Williams, and Calipari to some big bash where we hand out bags of money to recruits while posing for the camera with a sign that says “Your move, NCAA. Yeah, I didn’t think so.”
Pants: I’d really **** things up by buying each athlete a meal at McDonalds. As a non-blue blood, that would for sure get us the death penalty. But seriously, college athletes should be getting paid.

Coolerifyoudid asks: What is the worst thing about each Big XII school?
What is the best?

GTO:
ISU - Best - everything/worst - having to share a state with trash schools
OU - Best - keep Texas in check/worst - Boomer Sooner
TT - Best - Mike Leach/worst - location, location, location.
OSU - Best - crushing their National Title game dreams/worst - hearing them talk about their basketball glory days.
KSU - Best - they’re not KU/worst - surly.
KU - Best - watching them get triggered when we take over KC/worst - their cheating.
BU - Best - nothing/worst - everything.
TCU - Best - likeable fanbase/worst -their dumb hand sign.
WV - Best - passionate fans for both FB and BB/worst - dental care.
UT - Best - they keep OU in check/worst - teams not being able to do “horns down” is total bull****.

Pants:
ISU - Best-the fans/worst-the fans
OU - Best-they keep the conference in the playoff picture/worst-Boomer Sooner
TT - Best-Cool colors?/Worst-Have you ever been to Lubbock?
OSU - Best-Re-watching the Naz buzzer beater and that sweet 2011 game/Worst-that I’m so indifferent to them that I don’t even care
KSU - Best-I respect the hell out of what Snyder did there/worst-years of agony against them.
KU - Best-Lawrence is a campus that rivals Ames of how gorgeous it is/worst-**** Kansas
BU - Best- **** Baylor/Worst- **** Baylor
TCU -Best-Awesome fans and great program/Worst-Jamie Dixon’s hair
WV - Best-awesome fans and my chance to see ISU games living in DC/Worst-Not professional
UT - Best-Cool uniforms/Worst- **** Texas

CloneLawman asks: I'd like to know if you have received @BCClone 's report from when he went to Vegas drunk and dressed as a Christmas Tree. Do we have more intel regarding strippers wearing judicial robes?
@BCClone - I'm asking the Insiders here..this is their thread so please let them answer.
Is this him?

BCClone then dad jeans the whole joke by answering: $10 does not get you to Vegas. I managed to make it to Jefferson Iowa and stopped at the casino there. I was going to make a great entrance, I had battery powered lights and everything. I wanted people to hear me when I entered so I asked a lady if she could jingle my bells for me. Next thing I know I’m picking myself up off the ground, not sure what happened.
A lot of weird people there, felt like I may have been the only normal person.
So I’m unable to give a Vegas report.

GTO: @BCClone - major fail if you did not have a mistletoe belt. By the way, this whole thing just sounds like a botanical version of that whole furry phenomenon.
Pants: I don’t know what kind of weird thing ya’ll got going on there, but you just need to make out already and cut the sexual tension between you two.

 

[GTO]

VegasCy asks: Does JP’s Power & Light project thingy have a name? If not, can we name this thing already?

Pants: The **** Barta District
GTO: Power & Light North? Towers 4: The Final Towering? The Iowa Marching Band and Cordell Pemsl Memorial? PollHard all up in your Bartass facility? Just a few I could think of.

BCClone with the dear Penthouse letter: I went to a friends house many years ago, music was blaring and I couldn’t knock loud enough to hear him so I looked in that diamond shaped window in his door. Holy baby Moses I saw him vacuuming in nothing but a green pair of tighty whiteys, guess they would be tighty grennies. He saw me look as soon as I looked in because he stopped singing and turned the music off/down. Not sure because I left. I wanted no part of that.
That is wrong and weird right? Underwear is not what you vacuum in, men I’m talking. I think it’s best for women to vacuum naked. Keeps clothes from dropping dirt or anything.

GTO: Was this a dream? It sounds like a dream. Whether it is a fantasy or a nightmare, well, that is entirely up to you.
Pants: I live solo, so I do a lot of things naked at home. Why would I allow myself to be constricted. Love yourselves, gentlemen. Listen to some Lizzo or something, she’ll help you. But tighty whiteys are ******* weird. Grow up.

Jcyclonee asks: Would you rather go to the Jefferson casino with @BCClone or to Vegas with a stripper in a judge's robe?

GTO: Why not both? Although I would venture to guess that the strippers in Jefferson probably look more like Judge Judy in a robe.
Pants: I once saw a stripper in a robe at the Hip Hugger in Kokomo, Indiana. She was like, hot, but stripper hot, you know what I mean? She stole my tie clip.

Jcyclonee also asks: Can we all agree that I have the handsomest memoji of all time?

Pants: No, mine is, and he’s a good boy.
GTO: I’ll let Pants tackle this one, since your avatar appears to be in need of some pants.

NWICY asks: So do we go for 2 in a row in FB? I say yes, what say you insiders?

GTO: Let me check my sources. ::Shakes magic 8-Ball:: Signs point to yes.
Pants: Yes.


Jcyclonee again: Who is your favorite Bond girl?
I'm asking because we're on the subject of Christmas strippers and I just saw that Bond movie with Denise Richards as Christmas Snow and she looked pretty good in that movie. The most memorable line from that movie is, "I thought Christmas only comes once a year." Having said that, here is my follow up, and real question.

Do you all agree with me that, when writing the script for a Bond movie, the writers come up with a suggestive, cheesy line to be stated by, or about, the good Bond girl and they build the whole movie around that?

Pants: I’ll be honest, I never have been a fan of Bond movies. Hold On, let me google Bond Girls.
Oh ****, Eva Green was one? Her. definitely her.
GTO: Favorite Bond girl? I would go with Olga Kurylenko or Gemma Arterton. As far as the titles, what makes you think that? Perhaps Octopussy?

Cmjh10 still with this ISU baseball obsession: So, since we are good at football again and the favorites to win the National Championship, does this mean baseball at ISU is dead? What about that E-sports team?

GTO: National Championship? (insert Jim Mora “Playoffs?” rant) In all seriousness, I don’t know what to think about baseball. I think it is somewhat embarrassing that we are the only Big12 school without a baseball team. Should increased revenue in football and basketball be used to help bring back baseball? I would, but maybe people smarter than me see it as a money burning proposition. As for eSports, all you need is to organize an inter-dorm league, provide some Doritos and Mountain Dew, and then choose the best 5 players.
Pants: e-sports can still happen. Nobody under the age of 60 or over the IQ of 80 care about baseball anymore though.

 

[GTO]

The end.

Thanks to @cyrocksmypants for applying the heat and to all our readers for participating again.

Until next week!

 

[cyrocksmypants]

Also, GTO legitimately did redact one of my steaming hot takes.

 

[GTO]

Also, GTO legitimately did redact one of my steaming hot takes.

Too hot for TV.

 

[GTO]

Added a poll for you to share your opinions. Please don't @cyrocksmypants and @GTO directly.

 

[Sigmapolis]

What is so bad about wanting to know how the corgi is doing?

I'm glad he is recovered from his surgery!

 

[cmjh10]

Damnit, now I want a Corgi....

 

[cmjh10]

This is quickly becoming the highlight of my week on CF.

 

[Dandy]

Insider Information Weekly Mailbag 10-9-2019


Dandy shares with us his recent dating experiences

 

[GTO]

 

[jcyclonee]

SCyclone trying to stump the Insider Information crew this week with the following: Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?

Pants: Do you not drive on a driveway? How do you get from the street to the house/garage? Do you stop on the street and push your car up?
GTO: Here is the boring answer (from Merriam-Webster):

“Both words came into written use in the 1800s, long before cars were even a glimmer in Henry Ford's eye. Parkway originally referred to a broad road through a park.

So there's the connection between parks and parkway, but why do we drive on them? Parkways were the perfect places to drive a carriage down for a scenic jaunt out. Once automobiles came on the scene, parkways became the province of the car. Driveway came into written use a bit earlier than parkway did. Unlike parkway, the word driveway didn't refer to where the path was (a drive), but what the path was for (driving). The earliest driveways were roads that ran alongside barns, where vehicles like wagons could drive up and either offload cargo (like hay, food, or livestock) or take on cargo (like hay, food, or livestock).

Of course, these access roads onto a property became handy places to park vehicles, and when the automobile age began, these off-street roads became ideal places to park the family car.” Now you can say you learned something from the mailbag.

I specifically read this so that I don't learn anything. Since I'm under 60, how am I supposed to keep caring about baseball if my IQ slips above 80?

 

[jcyclonee]

Pants: I once saw a stripper in a robe at the Hip Hugger in Kokomo, Indiana. She was like, hot, but stripper hot, you know what I mean? She stole my tie clip.

I have tons of questions about this.
Like, during a dance?

Was she trying to do a trick like the one with the ping pong ball?

Why were you wearing a tie clip?

When in a strip club in Kokomo, do they just play that Beach Boys song on loop or do they play the same bad music they play at every strip bar? Not that I don't enjoy Pour Some Sugar on Me but it's not exactly Ode to Joy from Beethoven's 9th Symphony.

Did the tie clip land on the floor and did you do the smart thing at that time and say, "Just keep keep it" while thinking to yourself "I ain't picking that thing up off of the Kokomo strip club floor."

Was this the strip club in Indiana that Rick Pitino imported girls from for Louisville recruits? How lame are Louisville clubs that you prefer to import girls from Indiana? Like I have a right to talk. A certain unnamed football team from the state I currently reside in brought exotic dancers from a thousand miles away for a certain boat trip.

Was this actually a parting gift after having a nice breakfast together?

 

[jcyclonee]

Never lose your situational awareness. This is exactly how Hugh Grant and Eddie Murphy tarnished their images.

 

[Dandy]

The survey asked "Why so many duck questions?" but I didn't see any. Maybe next week.