Help: I’m going to be a father

[CYCLNST8]

First- I think you better put a ring on it. Then follow her orders like a good soldier.

I was worried that perhaps my wife and I weren’t cut out for the job. It’s wild. Instinct takes over: she’s a great mom and I love my child more than anything. I agree the “you come last” policy is a good one to follow financially. No self indulgence until mommy and child are taken care of first. But, yes- you and your significant other will need to take some personal time/go on dates for your mental health. Lean on grandparents/family if you can, but don’t abuse them.

 

[2020cy]

Do not go out with your young child or get on an airplane until they are 10!

 

[2020cy]

Kidding. Maybe.

 

[cowgirl836]

Learn about the mental load now. Figure out how to take weeks if not months of parental leave. It matters short and long term. Be the kind of dad who knows the doctor and teacher's name. Tje kid's clothing size. If mom pumps, you are on duty to wash bottles and prep daycare bags. Nix visitors immediately unless mom wants it but accept and ask for help.

When baby and/or you guys are losing your cool, add water or add outside.

 

[cowgirl836]

It goes so damn FAST.

Quick hitters from me:
Be there for your GF. Hormones are tough. Make sure she is OK before and after birth.
Setup a 529 immediately.
Go out with your young child. (Its easier to go to a restaurant at 2 months vs 2 years)
Its OK to say no/limit visitors right away.

Hard agree on adapting baby into your life.

Also disagree with the "you come last" sentiments. Maybe in the semi crisis mode of birth and immediate newborn phase but you both need bits of time and space to take care of yourselves. Your need to eat can be above toddler's demands to play or be given a 2nd helping of grapes. Other route is a path to resentment.

 

[SolterraCyclone]

It goes so damn FAST.

Quick hitters from me:
Be there for your GF. Hormones are tough. Make sure she is OK before and after birth.
Setup a 529 immediately.
Go out with your young child. (Its easier to go to a restaurant at 2 months vs 2 years)
Its OK to say no/limit visitors right away.

100% on all of these. Especially going out to a restaurant!

 

[cymac2408]

You don’t have to be the perfect father. Just be the perfect father to them.

My father gave me advice that I have passed on to my kids. The things that I did right or that you loved how I raised you. Do those with your children. The mistakes I made while raising you, change those and make the next generation better.

 

[isucyfan]

I'm trying not to be hyperbolic here, but reading is the key to nearly everything. Read to them early and often. Go to the library with them. Have books in the house and make sure they see you reading as well. One of the cheapest and easiest ways to get a child off to the best start in life.

My bona fides: I'm a librarian with a child development degree.

 

[BCClone]

Hard agree on adapting baby into your life.

Also disagree with the "you come last" sentiments. Maybe in the semi crisis mode of birth and immediate newborn phase but you both need bits of time and space to take care of yourselves. Your need to eat can be above toddler's demands to play or be given a 2nd helping of grapes. Other route is a path to resentment.

I see the “you come last” as now you focus on the baby’s needs before that new vehicle or dining room set. You may skip a big vacation to pay get a better crib or stroller that makes baby’s care better. Instead of hitting the bars with friends on Thursday night, you spend that time as a family night.

I changed jobs when our second was born to enable me to have them be with me since daycare was off on Thursdays. While I didn’t make as much and get off the corporate path, I had some very special time with my kids one on one. 18 years isn’t much time and when they hit about 7th grade, a week feels like a day at longest.

 

[BCClone]

Good evening all, my girlfriend and I (25 and 26) recently learned she’s pregnant. I never in my life imagined I’d have a baby out of wedlock, though I’m confident this is the woman I was going to marry regardless. I definitely will now! Outside of the fear of telling her parents, I’m very excited and looking forward to this chapter. I am a home owner, I’m financially stable, but again, not married. My dad passed away via suicide when I was 4, so my memories of a father-son relationship are slim and none. Any advice in general for this process and any must-know’s for being a “young” dad that wants to be the dad I never had? My mom passed away last year so I’m really anxious to have a family of my own.

Kids will get a lot of toys and crap honestly. Spend time with them like little field trips. Hit the zoo, amusement parks, their concerts/games, whatever you can enjoy together.

Let them fail, a good kick in the teeth will build some character and self reliance. I still went golfing but many times it was odd times and only 3-4 holes as I had my kids with me and let them hack and putt the ball. Just be there, that’s the biggest thing. Your job isn’t to handle issues for them, it’s to help guide them to be who they want to be and keep them from going down bad paths.

 

[AgronAlum]

I had my first one at your age but was in much worse shape financially. You’re gonna take some hits and there will be rough patches along the way. Try to be an understanding and calming force.

My absolute biggest recommendation is to put the phone down. Don’t just be there, be engaged. When your kid is at the park and looks up to see if you’re watching, make sure you are. Get them outside. Keep them curious.

There are a lot of ****** parents out there. If you try your best, you’ll be in the top tier. Not everything will work out but that’s just how life goes. Put your time in when they’re young. It goes by fast.

Edit: One more big one. Let them make mistakes just be there to make sure they’re not huge ones. Let them learn things for themselves.

 

[JP4CY]

Kind of a curveball here but if you're able to swing it, a kid growing up with a dog is awesome.

 

[BCClone]

I had my first one at your age but was in much worse shape financially. You’re gonna take some hits and there will be rough patches along the way. Try to be an understanding and calming force.

My absolute biggest recommendation is to put the phone down. Don’t just be there, be engaged. When your kid is at the park and looks up to see if you’re watching, make sure you are. Get them outside. Keep them curious.

There are a lot of ****** parents out there. If you try your best, you’ll be in the top tier. Not everything will work out but that’s just how life goes. Put your time in when they’re young. It goes by fast.

Being on your phone while with your kid, you’re not there in my opinion. To me, being there means mentally and physically being there and interacting with the kid.

 

[BCClone]

Also, when the kid is old enough, teach him this very important lesson and statement.


**** IOWA

 

[xboxfever]

Remember that after the baby is born, your girlfriend’s body went through major trauma. Women are asked to essentially destroy their bodies, then immediately take on the role of taking care of a new born mostly by themselves. If you are given paternity leave, do as much as possible to take the load off of her. The hormonal imbalance after a baby is born lasts up to a year or more. Postpartum is real and very scary and is rarely talked about.

Also, being a parent is the greatest, most rewarding thing life can give you. Time is a thief so don’t try and rush them getting older. Every stage of growth has there own special things to enjoy. Congratulations.

 

[BCClone]

Remember that after the baby is born, your girlfriend’s body went through major trauma. Women are asked to essentially destroy their bodies, then immediately take on the role of taking care of a new born mostly by themselves. If you are given paternity leave, do as much as possible to take the load off of her. The hormonal imbalance after a baby is born lasts up to a year or more. Postpartum is real and very scary and is rarely talked about.

Also, being a parent is the greatest, most rewarding thing life can give you. Time is a thief so don’t try and rush them getting older. Every stage of growth has there own special things to enjoy. Congratulations.

Agree on the don’t rush part. Our oldest had an August Bday. Our youngest is end of April, we sat on both of them for school. I don’t know a single parent that has said, I wish I would have started them earlier. They are more physically, mentally, and emotionally developed by not rushing them into school.

All you do by sending them earlier is say hey, congrats, you get to work another year of your life.

 

[pourcyne]

I don't have children, but my advice to you is to read to your kid from the get-go. Instill in him or her the love of reading and exploration, which are natural to children, but sometimes not fostered in them. Fill your house with books, limit screen time, let him or her play freely, inventing toys rather than purchasing them, and help your kiddo to develop a good imagination and love for learning.

That said, congratulations. Seems like a lucky kid already to be so loved that Dad wants to do as well as he can from the start.

 

[Bret44]

It is the absolute best thing that you will ever do in this world.

 

[1UNI2ISU]

Live in the moment. You don't need 50 pictures of every little thing they do growing up. Your memories and how you felt in the moment are 1000x more important and impactful then making sure you get the right picture or video.

 

[awd4cy]

You’ll do great, there is nothing that will ever replicate the emotion you feel when your child is born.

Baby stage can be a challenge. Sleep is everything at the early stages. First one was hard to get to sleep when she was overtired. You will find a routine that works. I probably mistaked hunger for overtired quite a few times early on as well.