Help: I’m going to be a father

[CheapClone1202]

Good evening all, my girlfriend and I (25 and 26) recently learned she’s pregnant. I never in my life imagined I’d have a baby out of wedlock, though I’m confident this is the woman I was going to marry regardless. I definitely will now! Outside of the fear of telling her parents, I’m very excited and looking forward to this chapter. I am a home owner, I’m financially stable, but again, not married. My dad passed away via suicide when I was 4, so my memories of a father-son relationship are slim and none. Any advice in general for this process and any must-know’s for being a “young” dad that wants to be the dad I never had? My mom passed away last year so I’m really anxious to have a family of my own.

 

[Gonzo]

The only real piece of advice I can give is that, from here on out, you come last.

Other than that, it's an amazing ride. It will be messy. It will be expensive. It will be frustrating and tiring and exhausting. You will find yourself doing things as a dad that you probably never in your life pictured yourself doing. But, you do it. Because you will now have a family that depends on you. That looks to you for answers. That looks to you for security. And, through it all, you come last. Your kid will ruin furniture. Your kid will discover poop and will find interesting places to smear it. Your kid will fall down and get cut and get bruised and require trips to urgent care and quite possibly the ER. And, through it all, you come last. Your kid will get sick and will get into fender benders and will get into trouble at school and will run your emotions literally through the ringer. You will worry about them every day for the rest of your life.

And it's all worth it. Because there's nothing like it in the world.

Congrats.

 

[jdoggivjc]

the biggest piece of advice I can give is don't go in thinking you have to know everything about parenting before your child is born - it's a learning process, one that will last for as long as you are a parent. as long as you learn how to change diapers, give bottles and burp, swaddle, and support the head, you'll be fine. those are the most critical things.

 

[ClonerJams]

You're going to make mistakes. It's okay. We all do. Give yourself grace.

 

[cyfanatic13]

@snowcraig2.0 feel free to sit this one out brother

 

[synapticwave]

CONGRATS!

Only advice: Communicate with your partner - Constantly, calmly and about everything - especially the bad/frustrating/scary stuff.

 

[bozclone]

I’m sure you love your girlfriend, but you are going to experience a level of love you have never experienced before with your child. Enjoy every step of the process. Parenting is very stressful at times, but the rewards are great. You don’t have to be perfect, but make sure you are actively involved. Be the Dad that you want your child to have.

 

[Tony Gunk]

Learning the tactical things such as changing the diaper and feeding may be things you're very worried about now, but you'll pick those things up. Being a father has made me grow much more in other ways. My suggestion is not to create expectations about who your child will be or their interests, and especially don't compare that to who you think they should be. At times they will ask for support and at times they will not, but recognize as a father your need to be there for them and when to provide them with what they need. Above all, show love and compassion, because in this world that may seem short on supply but it is exactly what children need.

 

[Frak]

Now that pregnancy and that time of the month are off the table, get as much action as you can these next few months. Once you are married with a kid, let’s just say that the frequency drops.

 

[Dopey]

Someone said “you come last” from here on out. That can be tough, but I think it’s a necessary mind set more times than not.


Also, don’t freak out if you don’t feel a connection for a while. This screaming thing that never existed before just shows up. And then you take it home. It’s wild. And the first 3 months almost exclusively suck. So the “love like no other” feelings can take some time to really feel. Focus on your girlfriend and her needs during this time. You’re basically useless to the baby initially anyway, so make sure you do everything you can for her.

The baby’s personality starts coming out at about 3 months, and you’ll be there. And then it starts getting awesome.

 

[rhino3382]

Everyone will have advice how you should raise your child.

Raise it how you want

 

[packattack425]

“never in my life imagined I’d have a baby out of wedlock” …..proceeds to raw dog his girlfriend. Always laughed at statements like that.

New father myself. The game changer for us was understanding sleep cues and getting our baby on a schedule. My wife is a Taking Cara Babies follower. I was optimistic at first but couldn’t argue with the results.

 

[JEFF420]

Be the father you always wish you had.

 

[nrg4isu]

I don't like the "you come last" that others are posting.

Your kid definitely comes first, but you do need to give yourself some of your time/energy. I've shared this a few times before on CF; becoming a father was not a smooth process for me. Eventually I sought out counseling and was prescribed antidepressants which were hugely beneficial. The main motivation for that was that I felt that I wasn't father I wanted to be.

All that to say, we're all human (even @snowcraig2.0 ) and we need to be kind to ourselves as well.

 

[CyState85]

You will say the F word 90% less, watch the most ridiculous cartoons, and never really sleep but it is the best feeling ever.

My youngest can grab me beers from the fridge and loves to watch golf so we get along pretty well!

 

[JVAR]

First of all, congratulations. I have three adult kids and being a dad is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I couldn’t even imagine being without them. As some of mentioned, do the best that you can and give yourself some grace. Love your girlfriend and your child, knowing that you’re gonna make some mistakes. When you do ask for forgiveness and move on, and do the same for them. Read a few books on fatherhood and parenting, but don’t over due it. And don’t be afraid to get some counseling or therapy for your own wounds if you need to. I have done the that and it helped me immensely. Don’t forget to keep taking care of yourself as well. It’s easy for parents to stop doing that because they throw all the time and energy into bills and their family. Good luck, and enjoy every minute of it.

 

[Lexclone]

I don't like the "you come last" that others are posting.

Your kid definitely comes first, but you do need to give yourself some of your time/energy. I've shared this a few times before on CF; becoming a father was not a smooth process for me. Eventually I sought out counseling and was prescribed antidepressants which were hugely beneficial. The main motivation for that was that I felt that I wasn't father I wanted to be.

All that to say, we're all human (even @snowcraig2.0 ) and we need to be kind to ourselves as well.

But even then when you recharge or seek counseling, it still has (or probably should have) a direction towards becoming your best self as a father.

I’m all in on team “you come last”.

 

[snowcraig2.0]

You sons of *******.....

 

[SolterraCyclone]

First and foremost congratulations! The miracle of fatherhood is a beautiful thing.

You’ll get a ton of advice, but try to pick out tangible pieces from that advice as you need it. Because a lot of advice you’ll get is more philosophical in nature. Maybe try to jot down the top 5 things you’re worried about and ask specifically what people have done to help those things.

One book that is helpful is Moms on Call. The book is intended for Moms, but things like sleep training, that they address in there, are still helpful for you.

One thing that also may be helpful given some of the trauma you’ve been through, is seeking out therapy or counseling beforehand and beyond (if you haven’t already). While not publicized, post-partum depression can hit men similar to women. If you’re an anxious person, your anxiety may be off the charts that first year.

And just know, as long as you love and are there for your child, you’re doing great!

 

[JP4CY]

It goes so damn FAST.

Quick hitters from me:
Be there for your GF. Hormones are tough. Make sure she is OK before and after birth.
Setup a 529 immediately.
Go out with your young child. (Its easier to go to a restaurant at 2 months vs 2 years)
Its OK to say no/limit visitors right away.