Any Recently Divorced CF'ers?

[Clonefan94]

On my phone woops bad post sorry.

 

[cowgirl836]

Great timing. My divorce was finalized June 2nd. Okay, it was horrible at first. It was a mess. Then something happened. We started communicating like normal people. Amazing how I lost my wife and regained a great friend. Staying together would have destroyed our children, ages 6 and 2. It would have made us bitter. I don't have any regrets at this point. Together we were toxic, apart we are great. A divorcee decree regarding visitation is just a piece of paper for idiots who can't figure it out on their own. No, I don't have a legal 50/50 split, but they stay with me about 50% of the time. We meet places. I eat at the house sometimes, she eats here. My daughters so proud to have two houses. It hit her hard at first, like massive change is known to do. But guess what? If neither parent uses a child as a weapon, the children become accustomed to their new life as well. Once both sides lose the desire to point the finger, it becomes amazing. We took the kids to IC Jazz Fest together. We ate as a family, danced as a family, and were happy. And the only reason we can pull this off is because at the end of the night, we dont have to live together.

Never stay together in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children. They will learn that bickering, silent hostility, yelling, and sleeping apart is normal. Happiness is what should be normal, not hostility.

OP, please try to be like this. Beyond staying together for her (and thus making her feel responsible for BOTH parents' unhappiness, fighting and bickering afterward would be the hardest on her. Please try to stay as friendly and civil as possible after the divorce. There will be holidays, graduations, possibly a wedding and grandchildren - please do not make her feel that she is being put in the middle or being forced to choose.

 

[CycloneYoda]

"Would you exchange a walk on part in the war, for a lead role in a cage?"

-Pink Floyd

 

[QCCyclone]

If there is no violence then you owe it to your daughter to work like heck to figure it out. Maybe you have... but my suggestion... work harder and more diligent. One can say all they want that kids "know" and are "resilient" and "they want you to be happy"... but in the end that is B.S. They WILL get messed up with a divorce. Oh, sure...some will say it worked out great, but that is because the alternative was a crappy parent marriage. I get that. FIX THE MARRIAGE. You and your wife made a commitment years ago to get married and have a child. If you are unhappy, I'm sorry...but my gosh... you say you care for your daughter, yet you are not going to continue to work on your marriage at all costs for her because you're tired of trying or don't think it will help??? Sounds pretty darn selfish to me. I don't get it it. No way is your daughter happier with a divorced set of parents. Sure, you may be messing up her life now because you and your wife are not getting along. That, my friend, is your problem to solve. Don't make it her problem to deal with.

You said one important thing... You said your wife wants counceling now...and yet you're not sure if you should go because you're unhappy? Huh??? Dude, you sound like a very loving and caring dad. So, I don't get why you would not pursue fixing the marriage at all cost and with all effort...not for you or your wife, but for your daughter. Yes, that may mean you are unhappy for a while longer. Chose your daughter's happiness over yours a bit longer. Figure it out.

I'm very sorry for you. I don't mean to come across crass. My take is all about living with decisions adults have made and figuring it out for the ones that did not make the decision...your daughter. B.S. you can't make it work. Unless there is abuse in the relationship...make it work.

Now for the softer gentler side (haha)...I will pray for your marriage and daughter. I hope you have and will continue to pray as well.

Don't misread my post as saying you should deal with it and be unhappy for the rest of your life. Yes, I think there is a degree of that in my message (for your daughter), but in reality it's about getting you to sit down in the solitude of your most quiet moments...and ask yourself..."Is divorce the ONLY recourse? Is there absolutely NO CHANCE to make it work.

If you are asking the question you are asking on a discussion board, my guess is you feel there is some unfinished work out there but are hoping for someone to help you make the decision easier. Sorry, I simply can't make your decision to give it up easier for you. Nowhere did you state abuse (physical or verbal). So, look your daughter in the eye... and go to counseling with your wife. It certainly sounds like there is some unfinished business out there. Oh, sure I have no doubt you've really, really tried and have been really unhappy. That saddens me. Please try harder... for you, your wife and especially for your daughter

It's not important if she wasn't previously , but now you state your wife is open to counseling. Walking away from a marriage and introducing your daughter to a life of split parents and weekends here and there...when your partner is open to counseling sounds like "your issue". Be a father...and be a MAN of courage, love and conviction and take your wife's hand and lead her to counseling.

You state your daughter understands and wants you to be happy. Let me ask you this...What would she rather hear you say..."your mom and I have given up and are getting a divorce." or "your mom and I are going the fight like heck to make this work and we'll do whatever it takes to make us whole again, and this is what we are planning to do....then tell her what you'll do to make it work" Talk is cheap. So, then you'll need to go out and do it.

I TRULY wish you the best and will keep you...your daughter...and your wife in my prayers tonight. I real will.

My advice to the OP - ignore pretty much every word of this post.

 

[CycloneYoda]

My advice to the OP - ignore pretty much every word of this post.

I quit reading at the "they will get messed up with a divorce" bit. Nothing like feeding off of guilt to keep someone from doing what is right. Kids will be fine as long as BOTH parents act like parents. My kids are 6 and 2. Did they have some struggles? Of course they did. We all did. It's called change. And we got through this together. And you know what? We are all stronger now.

 

[GMackey32]

As a child of divorced parents that "tried to stick together for the kids", I can tell you that made things worse. My family was more miserable than ever during that time (some junior high, high school, and some college for me). Now that my parents are divorced, they seem more civil towards each other and when we all get together for holidays, it's way more enjoyable. Everyone deserves to be happy and kids will realize that it goes for their parents as well. I actually have a better relationship with both parents now than I did when they were together. Just my 2 cents regarding the kid situation.

 

[drmwevr08]

Without reading this whole thread yet, realize who your asking. Don't listen to a single, particularly young, male. If you have kids, don't necessarily listen to those without (notice I tempered that one). I'll read on and see what I learn but feel free to pm me. I don't think I know you at all but my family has been through an absolute wringer so I may have some perspective. Remember nothing worth it is easy.

 

[ISUCubswin]

Without reading this whole thread yet, realize who your asking. Don't listen to a single, particularly young, male. If you have kids, don't necessarily listen to those without (notice I tempered that one). I'll read on and see what I learn but feel free to pm me. I don't think I know you at all but my family has been through an absolute wringer so I may have some perspective. Remember nothing worth it is easy.

Wait, so he shouldn't rub his nuts on all of her belongings?

 

[longtimeclone]

Wait, so he shouldn't rub his nuts on all of her belongings?

How is he going to rub his nuts on his own nuts?

 

[stevefrench]

1st step in the process is posting revenge nudes for further evaluation.

 

[Rabbuk]

Wait, so he shouldn't rub his nuts on all of her belongings?

I thought it was good advice.

 

[Farnsworth]

I thought it was good advice.

So did I. I've already started to do this to my gfs stuff just in case.

 

[Jambalaya]

The 1st year was rough but after that things have been awesome. I joined match.com and had more sex then I could handle.

 

[SpokaneCY]

Do you have children who are minors? I think you need to think long and hard about what's in the best interest of your children before you file for divorce. Think about the example you are setting for them.

I feel sorry you are in this situation, but as hard as it is, try to think about the ramifications on your children. Be selfless and think of them first.

That's just my two cents.

Staying together for the kids is bound to be a mistake. Children are so much more preceptive than adults so by staying together the children learn a very unhealthy lesson in marriage.

If the marriage is over then make it over. It will hurt, you will NOT come out the other side whole, but you can look forward to getting a fresh start on your new life.

Wife and I have been through counseling a few times but our issues were never marriage enders. In the end, the other person cannot and will not change significantly.

Best of luck through a horrible process but the end result can open unforeseen opportunities for you...

 

[Angie]

I do agree that the internet may not be the best place for advice on this, no matter how much info is here, just because we don't know YOUR situation and heart. Any insight we might have is tainted by our own personal experiences rather than any idea of what would help you.

That being said, as a child of a very contentious divorce, here is my advice:

1. If you need to talk about this, talk to a counselor, not your daughter. As mature as she might be, she is too emotionally invested in this situation. It may help you emotionally, but will only hurt her relationship with one or both of you. And that isn't fair.

2. Additionally, agree not to bad mouth each other to her. She doesn't need any help seeing what is going on, and doesn't need put in the middle. That is a good way to scar her emotionally. Both sides need to honor this.

3. IMO, new mates shouldn't be introduced to your daughter until they are serious. If she were young, this would be to avoid confusion. As a teenager, there is a lot more at play - rando dudes can be pervs. Women can be jealous. And this is all going to be embarrassing for her to meet the people her parents are sleeping with, so just minimize that for her.

 

[twocoach]

Why not? The internet is the greatest invention of all time. It is the only thing EVER created where you can instantly connect with MILLIONS of people from all walks of life, background, race, and countries in one place. Where are you going to get that type of information from just one person? NO WHERE but the internet.

In 2014 alone there will be an INCREASE of information of 200 exabytes over 2013. To put that in perspective that is more than all data that there was in 2010 available on the internet. In 2015 estimates are near 500 exabytes. 1 exabyte is over a BILLION gigabytes. It is estimated that the human brain is only roughly 1 terabyte large (1000 gigabytes). The internet just added a terabyte in the ten seconds it took me to write this sentence.

So if you don't go to the internet for advice, then I feel sorry for you.

99% of that increased information is just garbage; dumb selfies of drunks in bars shared on facebook and vine and stored seventeen different times on 5 different servers. Don't mistake volume of data with value of data.

 

[GWad]

Go get professional help to honestly try to work it out - if it does not work out, get the best damn lawyer money can buy.

 

[19210]

Rub your nuts on all her belongings on the way out.

Or just say the word and I'm sure there are plenty on here that will rub their nuts on her belongings for you!

But seriously wish you the best of luck in whatever road you choose in this crucial life changing decision.

 

[azepp]

This thread is depressing. It sounds like people who are stuck in a bad marriage only have 3 choices.

1. Stay in a terrible marriage for the sake of the kids and make the whole family miserable.

2. Get a divorce, miss half your kids' lives, and lose your *** on lawyer fees.

3. Rub your balls on her **** and then choose either option 1 or 2.

Yikes.

 

[northernclone]

This thread is depressing. It sounds like people who are stuck in a bad marriage only have 3 choices.

1. Stay in a terrible marriage for the sake of the kids and make the whole family miserable.

2. Get a divorce, miss half your kids' lives, and lose your *** on lawyer fees.

3. Rub your balls on her **** and then choose either option 1 or 2.

Yikes.

4. Stay in marriage... work like heck to make it work. Work more to make it work. Continue to work hard to make it work. Sacrifice. Stop fighting in front of the kids. Make kids happier.