Two free tickets to Texas Tech
- Thread starter Cyclonepride
- Start date
I don't know about laughing, but this one sure makes me smile...
My eyes are as big as elmo's now..... Sadly so is my bosses
"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers."
"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But its still on the list."
"If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong."
"Women might be able to fake orgas**. But men can fake a whole relationship."
"If you thinking nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple payments."
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks."
"Never under any circumstance, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night"
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers."
"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But its still on the list."
"If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong."
"Women might be able to fake orgas**. But men can fake a whole relationship."
"If you thinking nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple payments."
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks."
"Never under any circumstance, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night"
"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers."
"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But its still on the list."
"If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong."
"Women might be able to fake orgas**. But men can fake a whole relationship."
"If you thinking nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple payments."
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks."
"Never under any circumstance, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night"
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers."
"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But its still on the list."
"If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong."
"Women might be able to fake orgas**. But men can fake a whole relationship."
"If you thinking nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple payments."
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks."
"Never under any circumstance, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night"
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and **** into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began ******* all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could **** all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and **** into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began ******* all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could **** all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
K
KFitzy87
Guest
Seamus O'Mally was in the pub one night when a stranger entered and noticed that he looked down.
"Excuse me sir, but I couldn't help but notice that you look a wee bit bothered by something. Do you mind if I ask what's troublin' ya?"
"Ay, Laddy, you see this bar here? I made it, carved every piece myself."
The stranger admired the intricate carvings on the bar.
"Do they call me Seamus, the bar builder?"
He paused for affect.
"No! 'Dyou see that stone fence out that window? Built it stone by stone with me own two hands, I did. Do they call me Seamus, the wall builder?"
Another pause.
"No!! Here, Laddy, 'dyou see the pier down by the water? I built it. Laid every timber myself, do they call me Seamus, the pier builder?"
"Um, no?" Replied the stranger.
"NO!!!" Screamed Seamus. "Ya **** one goat!!!"
"Excuse me sir, but I couldn't help but notice that you look a wee bit bothered by something. Do you mind if I ask what's troublin' ya?"
"Ay, Laddy, you see this bar here? I made it, carved every piece myself."
The stranger admired the intricate carvings on the bar.
"Do they call me Seamus, the bar builder?"
He paused for affect.
"No! 'Dyou see that stone fence out that window? Built it stone by stone with me own two hands, I did. Do they call me Seamus, the wall builder?"
Another pause.
"No!! Here, Laddy, 'dyou see the pier down by the water? I built it. Laid every timber myself, do they call me Seamus, the pier builder?"
"Um, no?" Replied the stranger.
"NO!!!" Screamed Seamus. "Ya **** one goat!!!"
Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash the crack and resell it...
A prostitute can wash the crack and resell it...
-A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a cup of blood to drink.
-The bartender fills up a cup of blood and hands it to the vampire. The vampire goes and sits down.
-Another vampire walks in and asks for the same drink.
-The bartender gives him a cup of blood as well. That vampire goes and sits down
-Another vampire comes in and asks the bartender for a hot cup of water.
-Shocked the bartender grabs him a hot cup of water and asks "How come you don't want a cup of blood like the other vampires?"
-The vampire responds by pulling out a used tampon and replies "I'm having tea.."
-The bartender fills up a cup of blood and hands it to the vampire. The vampire goes and sits down.
-Another vampire walks in and asks for the same drink.
-The bartender gives him a cup of blood as well. That vampire goes and sits down
-Another vampire comes in and asks the bartender for a hot cup of water.
-Shocked the bartender grabs him a hot cup of water and asks "How come you don't want a cup of blood like the other vampires?"
-The vampire responds by pulling out a used tampon and replies "I'm having tea.."
CycloneErik
Well-Known Member
So Seamus O'Malley comes home one day, only to find his wife, Mary, standing in front of a mirror, naked as the day she was born, staring at herself.
"Mary!" Says Seamus, "What are you doing, standing in front of that mirror, naked as the day you were born, staring at yourself!"
"I went to the doctor today." Mary says, "He told me I have the body of an eighteen year old."
"Well, did he say anything about your big fat ***?" asked Seamus.
"No." She replied. "He didn't mention ya at all..."
"Mary!" Says Seamus, "What are you doing, standing in front of that mirror, naked as the day you were born, staring at yourself!"
"I went to the doctor today." Mary says, "He told me I have the body of an eighteen year old."
"Well, did he say anything about your big fat ***?" asked Seamus.
"No." She replied. "He didn't mention ya at all..."
