I only drink coffee that has been grown in very special soil. Virgin land that has not seen any other crops before (preferably slash and burn in the forests of the Amazon). It then needs to be picked by a team of highly trained, intelligent apes who have been bred for this sole purpose (who may or may not take over the world later on, not my problem). They then measure, inspect, and only keep the highest grade beans. Beans are then packaged and flown first class in a commercial jetliner guarded by Air Marshal Liam Neeson and delivered via white glove service directly to me.
This is where the fun begins. I only use natural spring water and a diamond encrusted press. While preparing the coffee, I make sure to only wear formal attire (tux), or business-casual if after 10:00pm. The coffee is then brewed at a temperature between 204 and 204.9 degrees. Anything over that (or under) and the whole thing is thrown away. At this point, ties and bow ties can be loosened up and I proceed to sip the coffee at a rate of exactly 0.753 ounces per minute. I also make sure to not think too hard in order to enjoy my coffee and try to keep my brain below 10% usage in order to upset movie critics.
After the coffee has been consumed, I make sure to prop my feet up and think about how pointless the whole process was. And I laugh, and laugh, and laugh....