Why is life worth living?

[t-noah]

If you come here just for sports topics, I apologize in advance, but feel free to hit the back button as this is a different sort of post - and lengthy. If somebody finds it offensive, just report it and I'll remove it. If it's too long, I'm sorry.

Hey Jeremy, you and I could probably be friends. I have some of the same issues, some, and not to a severe degree, I would say. Sometimes it seems very severe, but not always. Anyway, thanks for sharing. Many people need help, each in their own way. You taking the step and writing about some of your life issues, is courageous and helpful. We need to listen to others and to try to help each other.

You are the creator of CF. Pat yourself on the back there, buddy! Many people, including me, gain joy and information being on and thru CF!

As hard as it is for some with the issues you speak of, in a way you, and people like you are a gift to mankind. You have certain gifts, skills, reasoning, that others do not. Thank you for helping us to see what you, and others, might be going through. Otherwise we just see yours and others, amazing gifts, and just go wow! Or we take those gifts for granted and don't see them at all!

It takes all kinds to make this world go round. I'm glad you are in my world here and thru CF. I will always be grateful. Based upon the responses you've gotten, others feel the same.

 

[NorthCyd]

Didn't know exactly where to post this, but have been needing to talk about it for some time and it's very hard to talk about. About a month ago, my wife out of the blue told me she was having second thoughts about us and our marriage. We've been together about 10 years and married 4 years. Being that it was so abrupt, I went a little nuts, not aggressive nuts, but emotionally nuts. I later found out through asking her and pressing her a bit that she was having an affair with a coworker.

This wasn't just a random coworker though, this was someone who was married as well, and my wife and I were very good friends and close with them. We did a lot of things together. Me and the guy also did a lot of things together: grabbed lunch, went golfing, grabbed a beer, etc. At one point, even had a heart to heart with him telling him that he has developed into one of my best friends.

My wife and him were having a "non-sexual, emotional affair, with some kissing", or at least that's essentially how my wife has described it to me. She also didn't flat out come clean to me when I asked either, she actually lied to me at first saying that she never cheated on me with him, she may just be in love with him. It took me pressing a bit before she told the truth. I also found out that almost every time they did kiss one another, this guy's wife and me were actually there at the time, whether that be at our house, their house or a party. (****** up right?) The "plan" was for the two of them to leave their spouses and then live happily ever after.

I also left out that I believed something was happening for a while. They were constantly communicating with one another whether that was through text message or snapchat. They would grab lunches on Fridays together or grab a happy hour drink together and if I got upset about it, I'd be gaslit as the jealous husband and it'd drive me crazy thinking that I could be that. But that ended up turning me into that monster exactly. Checking locations, always worrying if she was with him, etc. It got to the point where I was so insecure about myself that I just flat out asked her multiple times if she liked/loved him more than me and she would tell me I was crazy and "the only one for her". There was a time when we were all hanging out and I swear I saw them kiss and later confronted her about it, which she then swore to me nothing happened, rather they were hugging after talking about something emotional. I later found out that that night was their first time kissing.

So here's my pickle.. I'm willing to forgive my wife or at least work extremely hard through marriage counseling and my own therapy to figure out how to better myself in a bunch of ways, and she's been wishy washy on her feelings about wanting to try. These last few weeks have been so damn complicated and emotionally draining for me. And also confusing. There have been weird walking on egg shell moments and then there have been alright and even great moments with one another, but her behavior and emotions have been so bi-polar and change essentially hourly.

I've struggled with anxiety before but now it's like every waking moment and it's hard to even get through an entire day of work now. Essentially my entire life is invested into this relationship and even thinking a little bit about the fact of not being with her / starting over makes me sick.

Sorry to hear this. I went through something similar without the infidelity. I was in a 15 year relationship, married for 11, 4 year old daughter at the time when my wife told me she just wasn't happy any more. Worst year of my life, but I got through it, met my current wife, and am in a healthier 6 year relationship and as happy as I've ever been. I've got no advice for your current situation other than to seek couples therapy and seek therapy for yourself as well. I only went to therapy for a short time but it helped me through some pretty dark stuff. Also seek out family and friends to talk with, especially if you have anyone who's been through it. Maybe you can save your marriage, but if you can't know that you can find happiness on the other side.

 

[t-noah]

Has anyone been given advice to get out in nature/exercise etc.? I'm not saying it will just cure it at the snap of a finger but may help. There's studies suggesting that it can be beneficial especially when combined (hikes, camping, etc.).

Some outdoor living could prove beneficial. I would then be worried that I would not be as skilled as this fellow.

 

[Cyclonepride]

Didn't know exactly where to post this, but have been needing to talk about it for some time and it's very hard to talk about. About a month ago, my wife out of the blue told me she was having second thoughts about us and our marriage. We've been together about 10 years and married 4 years. Being that it was so abrupt, I went a little nuts, not aggressive nuts, but emotionally nuts. I later found out through asking her and pressing her a bit that she was having an affair with a coworker.

This wasn't just a random coworker though, this was someone who was married as well, and my wife and I were very good friends and close with them. We did a lot of things together. Me and the guy also did a lot of things together: grabbed lunch, went golfing, grabbed a beer, etc. At one point, even had a heart to heart with him telling him that he has developed into one of my best friends.

My wife and him were having a "non-sexual, emotional affair, with some kissing", or at least that's essentially how my wife has described it to me. She also didn't flat out come clean to me when I asked either, she actually lied to me at first saying that she never cheated on me with him, she may just be in love with him. It took me pressing a bit before she told the truth. I also found out that almost every time they did kiss one another, this guy's wife and me were actually there at the time, whether that be at our house, their house or a party. (****** up right?) The "plan" was for the two of them to leave their spouses and then live happily ever after.

I also left out that I believed something was happening for a while. They were constantly communicating with one another whether that was through text message or snapchat. They would grab lunches on Fridays together or grab a happy hour drink together and if I got upset about it, I'd be gaslit as the jealous husband and it'd drive me crazy thinking that I could be that. But that ended up turning me into that monster exactly. Checking locations, always worrying if she was with him, etc. It got to the point where I was so insecure about myself that I just flat out asked her multiple times if she liked/loved him more than me and she would tell me I was crazy and "the only one for her". There was a time when we were all hanging out and I swear I saw them kiss and later confronted her about it, which she then swore to me nothing happened, rather they were hugging after talking about something emotional. I later found out that that night was their first time kissing.

So here's my pickle.. I'm willing to forgive my wife or at least work extremely hard through marriage counseling and my own therapy to figure out how to better myself in a bunch of ways, and she's been wishy washy on her feelings about wanting to try. These last few weeks have been so damn complicated and emotionally draining for me. And also confusing. There have been weird walking on egg shell moments and then there have been alright and even great moments with one another, but her behavior and emotions have been so bi-polar and change essentially hourly.

I've struggled with anxiety before but now it's like every waking moment and it's hard to even get through an entire day of work now. Essentially my entire life is invested into this relationship and even thinking a little bit about the fact of not being with her / starting over makes me sick.

I was blindsided in a similar way (though I shouldn't have been, as I was young and dumb and really not mature enough to be a good husband at that time) by my first wife. It may feel like she has been your whole life, but you'll find that there's a lot more to it than that, and you can rebuild a better one around those things.

 

[CoachHines3]

thats also not someone you want to start a family with and have kids.

if she says kids will fix it, they wont.

 

[Farnsworth]

I will add that if your going to make that change, make sure you have a support system. I had literally nobody, mainly due to my anxiety/depression. It alienated a lot of family and friends which sucked. The first 2 years were absolute hell and life went pretty f'n far south. However there is light at the end of the tunnel, it just would have been a lot easier with support.

And it's not that I wouldn't of had support if I reach out, my pride and not wanting to bug others just got in the way.

 

[madguy30]

It was a much smaller scale situation but several years ago I had a harsh lesson in 'if it doesn't feel right, it's not right' and letting things simmer only makes things worse.

It's hard when you realize the person doesn't want to be with you but then again, that's not someone you want to be with anyway.

 

[stewart092284]

Thoughts and prayers to everyone. I'm about at my breaking point but I'm hopeful things work out for the best for everyone. Its just - nothing I do every seems to make any positive difference. Financially, professionally, etc. Everything that can go wrong, seems to go wrong and when I think I find a way out - its like life pulls out the rug at the last moment.

I'm just tired. Tired in a way that doesn't have to do with being physically tired. I accept that life's rarely if ever easy. That everyone has struggles and issues. And that its an uphill climb mostly in life. I'm good with that. But even when I try - I can't think of anything positive other than waking up. Which of course is a big one. But after that - IDK.

Mostly it feels like every day after waking up its a constant downward trend.

I'm not depressed. Went through a severe depression a decade ago where I contemplated some very dark options. I'm not there. I'm just...

apathetic. Resigned. Whatever you wanna call it. At this point all I want from life is to just.... not quite leave me alone, because I know that's not happening. But just ... let me go a couple days without something going wrong. I'd take 2 of 7 days a week. But for the last 18 months at least, I don't feel like that's happened and I'm just... tired.

From being told that my sibling is never going to visit for Christmas, being told by another relative that if I wanted them to visit I needed to live somewhere more interesting, to not being able to find a way out of being in debt and getting more in debt just to make it month to month (which I know I'm not alone in but still is stressful) and everything else... I just...

IDK. Sometimes I think if I curl up in a ball and stop trying to expect things from life maybe life will forget about me like so many people have and I can go through the motions. Probably not but that's where I'm at. It's just hard to believe positive things are going to happen. Which drives people away - being a pessimist who doubts that anyone can care for me because I don't matter - so I know I'm far from blameless why I'm alone. I might be a slow learner but I do learn and I do have at least some self awareness.

 

[BWRhasnoAC]

I find it hard to to be motivated anymore. I'm not into the materialistic existence we chase after in this country. Money is 95% of my worries and all I do is work. What's the point of living? To work in my own experience. Not really sure what the answer is. I've had depression for a long time and even though I've come to accept that's it's always going to be something I deal with the anhedonia is soul sucking and makes it even harder to care when basically nothing brings me much joy anymore.

It's nice to have a thread like this though. I don't usually talk about my feelings with people. I don't find that it helps my situation. I think most people aren't really looking to have their own mental health brought down by someone who's always down. I don't blame them. I know everyone has their struggles though. Best of wishes to everyone in their lives.

 

[MJ29]

I just have to say I love this thread. Other threads are often filled with banter (some not so friendly), but this one is like a big hug and support network. Very refreshing. And reminder that not everything on CF is toxic.

 

[Cyclonepride]

To anyone that is reading and identifying with this thread, I couldn't recommend Anthony Robbins' "Awaken the Giant Within" more.

It's probably sounds cliche and infomercially, but there is a lot of sound psychology in there that can help turn things around for you.

It's not necessarily about making money or getting rich, it's about doing a self inventory. It's about finding contentment, your purpose, your happy place. Finding what drives you, finding what holds you down.

It will have you dissecting your beliefs and figuring out which ones empower you and which ones hold you back (and then strengthening the former and disassembling the latter).

Not everything in there will be for you, but I guarantee if you go into it wanting to make your life better, it will help you do that.

 

[Statefan10]

I am so sorry. You always seem to be one of the nicest people around here.

Not going to pretend to know your best path forward. Certainly need better friends than the guy, and the wife would need to put in some effort to trust her again.

The other issue is does your cheater friend’s wife know? Has to be weird if she is the only one who doesn’t.

However it works out, hope you can be happy again.

Yes she knows. Her and I actually went out for coffee not too long after it happened to discuss things as well as line up stories. Funny enough though she seems to be in a different spot. He's now scared to lose her and is bending over backwards to try and make things work. Kind of wish I were in her spot.

 

[Farnsworth]

I just have to say I love this thread. Other threads are often filled with banter (some not so friendly), but this one is like a big hug and support network. Very refreshing. And reminder that not everything on CF is toxic.

 

[Farnsworth]

To anyone that is reading and identifying with this thread, I couldn't recommend Anthony Robbins' "Awaken the Giant Within" more.

It's probably sounds cliche and infomercially, but there is a lot of sound psychology in there that can help turn things around for you.

It's not necessarily about making money or getting rich, it's about doing a self inventory. It's about finding contentment, your purpose, your happy place. Finding what drives you, finding what holds you down.

It will have you dissecting your beliefs and figuring out which ones empower you and which ones hold you back (and then strengthening the former and disassembling the latter).

Not everything in there will be for you, but I guarantee if you go into it wanting to make your life better, it will help you do that.

I'm currently reading 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ****' and then I'll add this to the list.

 

[Cyclonepride]

I'm currently reading 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ****' and then I'll add this to the list.

It's really worthwhile. I didn't care for parts of it, but there were some really transformational things for me that led to big changes in my life 30 years ago and continue to affect my outlook today. If you can take a few ideas from it, it's worth the read.

 

[Statefan10]

Something that's been extremely hard is that her and I have actually had some good moments together since this has all transpired. Some normal moments, but even some better than normal moments where it didn't just feel like a spark happened, a spark definitely happened. For instance, we talked about us dating one another again and starting from there, and we had a wonderful night last Friday. Ended up with her sort of re-confessing her love and us getting intimate. She's also made plans for us with friends over the next few months and has even talked to me about xmas and bday presents.

The weirdness comes from every night isn't a Friday night ya know? There are the regular nights where it's just you two at home making dinner and watching TV and there's a tension there a bit. Communicating is different in that the "I love you's" and little kisses/hugs aren't as often and when they're there, they sometimes feel forced, leading to more awkwardness. But then at the same time, even on a random Monday night, we may find each other laughing from something holding each other's hand.

Idk. Every hour/day is different.

 

[JP4CY]

Yes she knows. Her and I actually went out for coffee not too long after it happened to discuss things as well as line up stories. Funny enough though she seems to be in a different spot. He's now scared to lose her and is bending over backwards to try and make things work. Kind of wish I were in her spot.

Right now because of emotions, I think that's a totally normal feeling. As others have stated though, they are happier now (years later).

 

[ScottyP]

This thread is both heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. Virtual hugs out to everyone.

 

[BWRhasnoAC]

Something that's been extremely hard is that her and I have actually had some good moments together since this has all transpired. Some normal moments, but even some better than normal moments where it didn't just feel like a spark happened, a spark definitely happened. For instance, we talked about us dating one another again and starting from there, and we had a wonderful night last Friday. Ended up with her sort of re-confessing her love and us getting intimate. She's also made plans for us with friends over the next few months and has even talked to me about xmas and bday presents.

The weirdness comes from every night isn't a Friday night ya know? There are the regular nights where it's just you two at home making dinner and watching TV and there's a tension there a bit. Communicating is different in that the "I love you's" and little kisses/hugs aren't as often and when they're there, they sometimes feel forced, leading to more awkwardness. But then at the same time, even on a random Monday night, we may find each other laughing from something holding each other's hand.

Idk. Every hour/day is different.

I dated a woman who did this to me. I know not every situation is the same but I would urge you against this. She could never let me be free. Even though we weren't dating exclusively she would always bring me back around to some warm glimmer of hope just to crush my heart over and over again. I know it's hard but I would recommend cutting yourself free from the emotional abuse.

 

[Statefan10]

I dated a woman who did this to me. I know not every situation is the same but I would urge you against this. She could never let me be free. Even though we weren't dating exclusively she would always bring me back around to some warm glimmer of hope just to crush my heart over and over again. I know it's hard but I would recommend cutting yourself free from the emotional abuse.

Man... that'd be so hard to do. 11 years together plus a 4 year marriage gone in a month. And even though it may not seem like she's working, what if she is? What if this is just how she's showing that?