**** Your Dad Says

[arobb]

"It's colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra".

 

[dafarmer]

1. He couldn't find his butt with both hands. 2. He doesn't know enough to pour warm p### out of his boots.

 

[Cloneon]

On Sunday drivers: "Nowhere to go and all day to get there"

 

[CascadeClone]

Some of these are from Dad's Dad too. Often said while playing cards (always 7-point pitch).

"Hotter than Hell's half-acre."
"S*** or get off the pot."
"Don't get your s*** hot"
"If I raise hell, will you throw a brick under it?"
"I think you're suffering from cranial-rectal inversion"

And if you ever answered "I think so" to a question - the immediate response was ALWAYS: "You think so?? It's what you know that counts, what you think don't amount to a damn"

I know I am missing some. Sure my kids would pick a couple of mine out too...

 

[khardbored]

Whenever we'd pass a waterfountain, or go to a restaurant and get water, dad would sing this little line "water ... water ... cool, clear, water."

I never knew what it was from until I found this little old diddy:

 

[cyclonestans]

"It'll put hair on your chest"
Little did i know he was turning me into a ware-wolf

 

[coolerifyoudid]

My dad was never much of a talker to us kids growing up, so I was always amazed how much the old man talked whenever we went to the lumber yard or co-op. He told jokes and would laugh at them before anyone else. He has one of those infectious laughs and is genuinely funny, so he's capable of pulling it off.

Two things he liked to say were more advice-related than anything:
"I've always learned more by listening than talking"
"There's a lot of things to learn from going to college that have nothing to do with homework or class"

 

[CTTB78]

If the kids dared to whine about not being able to get something done, we could be assured to hear our Dad say-- "The ground is always hard were a poor hog roots".

 

[n8sanow]

Hotter than a 3 bal*ed tom cat.
Colder than a witch's t** in a brass bra
When someone is indecisive or not moving fast: Sh** or get off the pot.

 

[Tre4ISU]

Haha! Ours was walking beans. And we'd probably walk 300-400 acres of beans as a family each season, herbicides be damned. God bless round-up ready technology.

"Less talkin' more walkin."

 

[jbclone10]

"Getting old aint for p***ies"

 

[oldman]

Whenever we asked him where someone was -- "Went to **** and the hogs ate him."
Or when you screwed something up -- "I think you **** and fell back in it."
If he caught you adjusting your undies -- "Going to a movie? You're picking your seat."
If you left the door open -- "Were you born in a mule's a$$? They close by themselves."

 

[IlliniCy]

"It's hotter than a 2-peckered billy goat".
"Colder than a well digger's ass"
"It'll feel a lot better when it quits hurting"

 

[Cycsk]

Colder than a witch's t** in a brass bra.

Is this an Iowa thing? I'm from Chicago and have never even heard it until this thread.

 

[mramseyISU]

My grandpa used to always say "You can half ass it twice and still not come up with a full ass".

 

[coolerifyoudid]

I'm learning that a lot of your dads swore a lot more than mine did.

It took a sow biting my dad before I remember him swearing. But he expanded my vocabulary by about 10 new words in a short time!

 

[Cyfan1965]

"What the hell are you doin in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance"

 

[dinger]

Whenever someone says that I can’t hear you to my dad, he responds with HUH? like he’s deaf and now he can’t hear.

When I used to say I’m Hungry, “Hi Hungry, I’m Robert.”

thats on you for saying Hungry instead of hungry

 

[xr4ticlone]

"He doesn't know if his a-hole's punched or drilled" When I asked him one time which it was he told me "I believe it's probably a hot punch"

Also, always called WD-40 "panther piss" - which I still do as well.

"Get your aXXes out of bed! I ain't got all day"

 

[jc4cy]

"How's your day going?"

Dad- "I'm on the right side of the grass and taking in nourishment so I can't complain"