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Possible Groomsman Crisis

JoshTheCyclone

JoshTheCyclone

Active Member
Feb 4, 2012
370
44
28
Fort Dodge
So I've got my ideal 5 guys in my head I'd like to stand with me as I marry my fiance. Now it's time to ask them. I'm sure 4 of them will accept but one lives out of state. He says he'll be able to attend but here's my problem. Just his travel expenses to be present at our wedding will total near $600 round trip. Is it bad form to ask him to be a groomsman which is going to cost him an additional $150-180 for his tuxedo rental? We've taken a hard stance that the wedding party will be paying for their attire.
 
you can ask him and offer to pay for his attire. you don't need to tell the other members you are doing this.

this is not a competition between them - this is your event and you make the rules. men in general aren't really petty or bitter about this stuff.
 
Just ask and let him know that if he can't afford it, you understand.

Maybe start thinking about backup groomsmen though.
 
Personally, I think if you ask someone to be in your wedding party you should cover the attire. The travel would be on them though.

You could always ask and if the money is the issue then offer a compromise. That way he is making the choice best for him.
 
Most of my girls were out of state as well. One actually declined because of that + costs and I understood. We did end up paying for the dress of the one traveling the furthest.

I like the idea of asking him, saying you know there is extra time + travel and because of that you would offer to pay his rental. He may still decline but at least you would have offered to help offset costs.
 
I never understood why you would ask someone standing in YOUR wedding to incur expenses. That's just me though. I get everyone has different financial situations.
 
JoshTheCyclone said:
So I've got my ideal 5 guys in my head I'd like to stand with me as I marry my fiance. Now it's time to ask them. I'm sure 4 of them will accept but one lives out of state. He says he'll be able to attend but here's my problem. Just his travel expenses to be present at our wedding will total near $600 round trip. Is it bad form to ask him to be a groomsman which is going to cost him an additional $150-180 for his tuxedo rental? We've taken a hard stance that the wedding party will be paying for their attire.
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Nope it's just a part of the gig. He always has the option to decline and be a guest outside the wedding party.
 
LindenCy said:
Personally, I think if you ask someone to be in your wedding party you should cover the attire. The travel would be on them though.
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This has been my position on the issue as well. Pay for the attire, let them cover their travel. If he can't make it due to travel costs or whatever, then call in your next option or go with one less groomsman.
 
I've been back to IA/MN to be in six weddings in the last five years and have had to pay for tuxes a three or four times. I also had three of my groomsmen/ushers come from out of state and I paid for their tuxes the others that were in state I paid for 60% of the rental. To me its worth the expense to have your best friends at your wedding. You/he will greatly regret it if he is not there.
 
I saw this thread and felt compelled to share the following.

When my wife and I got married, we asked my groomsman to pay $100 for the attire, and we covered the overage. (I honestly felt guilty about them spending $100, but weddings are expensive and you gotta draw the line somewhere).

Fast forward 2+ years. One of my groomsmen is getting married. Out of the country. And we had to BUY our own attire $250+. When all the final numbers add up, we are looking at right around $3k. Hotel, airfare, etc for my wife and I.

He has been a friend of mine since grade school, so I was never going to say no. But myself, along with other groosmen, have voiced our displeasure with the costs and time commitment, etc. But, I guess as they say, YOLO.
 
Just ask him, and the worst that can happen is that he'll say no. But then you might only have four groomsmen, and your fiance might start having second thoughts because you're not the well-liked social butterfly that she thought you were, and those doubts can linger well into the marriage, leading to years of resentment and culminating in a messy divorce that will leave you a penniless, emotionally scarred middle-aged husk of a man. So, you're totally right to call this a possible crisis!
 
I can not recommend strongly enough to not rent tuxedos. Either find suits on sale at a department store in the $100 to $200 range if it is important to you that everyone is matching (no they won't be high end suits but if they get them tailored they won't look worse than a rented tux) or have them use one they have or buy one, with guidelines about color etc. Personally I can deal with buying a suit for a wedding I'm in, but if I'm going to be wearing a rented tux I better not be paying for it.
 
I've only ever heard of the groomsmen and bridesmaids paying for their own attire, so some of the posts on here caught me off-guard. I was always taught that it was a privilege to be asked to stand up for someone and that paying for the tux/dress was expected. I never realized the bride and groom ever paid for the wedding party. I have no problem with it. Just new to me.

Since you haven't asked your friend yet, just ask him and see what he says. If the money thing is a deal-breaker for your friend, offer to pay for the tux or just insist that he doesn't get you a wedding gift. It shouldn't be a big deal really. Leave it up to him and have a back-up in mind.
 
JoshTheCyclone said:
So I've got my ideal 5 guys in my head I'd like to stand with me as I marry my fiance. Now it's time to ask them. I'm sure 4 of them will accept but one lives out of state. He says he'll be able to attend but here's my problem. Just his travel expenses to be present at our wedding will total near $600 round trip. Is it bad form to ask him to be a groomsman which is going to cost him an additional $150-180 for his tuxedo rental? We've taken a hard stance that the wedding party will be paying for their attire.
Click to expand...

I'd pay the $600 and not think twice. Only a woman would notice or complain about such a thing. Did she put you up to this?
 
Hackgolfin72 said:
I saw this thread and felt compelled to share the following.

When my wife and I got married, we asked my groomsman to pay $100 for the attire, and we covered the overage. (I honestly felt guilty about them spending $100, but weddings are expensive and you gotta draw the line somewhere).

Fast forward 2+ years. One of my groomsmen is getting married. Out of the country. And we had to BUY our own attire $250+. When all the final numbers add up, we are looking at right around $3k. Hotel, airfare, etc for my wife and I.

He has been a friend of mine since grade school, so I was never going to say no. But myself, along with other groosmen, have voiced our displeasure with the costs and time commitment, etc. But, I guess as they say, YOLO.
Click to expand...

Sounds to me like your friend gave you a great gift - celebrating with him somewhere you might not otherwise go. You're lucky to have the experience.*



*Unless it sucked and you had a ****ty time.
 
coolerifyoudid said:
I've only ever heard of the groomsmen and bridesmaids paying for their own attire, so some of the posts on here caught me off-guard. I was always taught that it was a privilege to be asked to stand up for someone and that paying for the tux/dress was expected. I never realized the bride and groom ever paid for the wedding party. I have no problem with it. Just new to me.

Since you haven't asked your friend yet, just ask him and see what he says. If the money thing is a deal-breaker for your friend, offer to pay for the tux or just insist that he doesn't get you a wedding gift. It shouldn't be a big deal really. Leave it up to him and have a back-up in mind.
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Really? I've been in 6 weddings in the last 3 years and have never once paid for the rental tux.

For our wedding, the wife and I bought everything for the bridesmaids, groomsmen and ushers. The bridesmaid dresses, suits, shirts, ties, shoes, pocket squares, you name it. I could not justify asking my best friends to spend any money to be a part of our wedding (outside of their hotel costs). Not saying asking them to spend something is wrong, just never crossed our minds.

Also, we bought suits instead of renting tuxes. Total for tailored suits, shirts, ties, pocket squares, tie bars, socks, shoes, etc., was right at $200 per person. We went through Halberstadts at Valley West Mall. They were easy to work with and all of the groomsmen got to take their suits home and use in the future after the wedding.
 
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