Why is life worth living?
If you come here just for sports topics, I apologize in advance, but feel free to hit the back button as this is a different sort of post - and lengthy. If somebody finds it offensive, just report it and I'll remove it. If it's too long, I'm sorry.
Since I'm one of the very few members that is NOT anonymous, I was going to post this under a new account. However, I've gotten to understand I am the ****** up person I am so it doesn't matter if my name is attached to it - be proud of who you are. Hell, I was doxxed with house pictures, tax info, etc the 1st or 2nd year of CF and much worse since. Instead, despite putting more out there about myself than I'd normally like, my hope is maybe a single person somewhere will better understand a loved one, friend or colleague that is challenged and encourage them to seek help if they haven't in the past.
Please understand that while I have to put my story below to convey anything, this isn't a pity party or anything where I'm seeking support. I've had that for 15 years since CF started. This is hopefully to open eyes for somebody else's story to have a good ending and for others to take a chance to tell their story if they so desire.
Most days I wake up dreading the fact that I woke up, but not in the Monday morning work way. Too many times over the years it was predetermined that I wasn't going to, even very recently. Listen to Ghost by Badflower and you'll understand.
Like many people, I suffer from mental health issues - unfortunately something that impacts a lot of people every day.
For me individually, it's a toxic brew of 24/7, chronic anxiety, depression, OCD, and ADHD. I've lived with each forever and each one is it's own beast - together they're a nearly crippling and debilitating pain that I can't begin to describe. Unfortunately, I've been on every conceivable mix of about 30 different medicines - even trials - and they really only take the roughest corners off. Every minute I'm worrying to a near panic attack, doing ruminitions in my head, thinking about problems that need to be solved right now, feeling intense weight on my shoulders, and just hating life.
Because of or as part of my issues, I also have an extreme case of "inner monologue" - where your mind doesn't stop talking and thinking for a second, but magnified with about 4 parallel and intersecting streams. Every conversation I have in a day I play over and over in my mind, second guessing why I did or didn't say something, or how I'm going to handle it, or what about this scenario, etc. It creates a photographic memory, but at a high overhead cost. There is not a second of peace or quiet, it is constant and it's loud - I can be exhausted and literally have my eyes closed on the pillow for 6 hours trying to fall asleep every night to no avail. I thought that's how everybody was wired for the longest time, but I've since understood why people with mental health issues occasionally also have it, and why my wife and I sleep on different floors.
A day at work is filled with solving critical system or process issues, planning, roadmapping, and doing business and technical architecture of varying varieties. But what you don't see is that it's also filled with endless streams of worry, double checking, avoiding social situations when possible, picking up every critical issue to avoid something failing, overcommitting to make people above look good, being exhausted by working 2-3 people worth of work at 70-80 hrs/wk, etc. All because the mind says everybody has to be happy, everything has to be successful, every project needs to get done perfectly, and every plan needs a solution - or else. Everything has a stress point, everything is anxiety, and everything has a consequence. If you truly know how OCD works, you'll understand why it's brutal when mixed with anxiety, depression, and ADHD. It's a truly evil bastard.
I'm introverted and you'd never know any of the above by just looking at me or talking with me or working with me day-to-day. I don't have friends, I don't even know the names of my neighbors of 8 years. My phone has my immediate family, current colleagues for work emergencies, and ISU coaches/players/donors whom we know nothing about each other. There are a few others I've met here but I don't return their texts or calls. People ask me to do things and I never respond. I screen all calls, even of people I look up to and respect. I've never been to a party or "gone out for drinks". My mind just won't let me go there - and believe me, I've tried.
I was finally diagnosed with some of the above in my middle school years and the rest as a teenager, though standard Dr had already determined it. It was first very obvious to others when I got hives when invited to watch a movie with some people and then developed ulcers in my throat from the immense stress - I still get them all the time. At the same time I started medicine around age 10-ish, I tried my first therapist. That went on for a while but was finally told therapy just wasn't going to work for me. I've seen 4 or 5 really good doctors over the years and all have said the same thing after a while of intense effort. And it makes sense. Therapy works wonders for some people - and I'd encourage everybody to try it - but more when it comes to getting to understand the why, the how, or the way to handle something, scenarios, etc. There are certain situations or people it just isn't effective on for whatever reason, despite CBT or any other variation, unfortunately.
With that said, I'm a big believer that my challenges are actually what make me very effective and efficient at my profession. I'm the hardest, most dedicated worker you'll find. I can design technical and business solutions incredibly quickly and with great complexity. I can understand things quicker than Fran's face can turn red. It's also, I believe, why I'm a caring and supportive person (though I do play a good jerk online) - but also a helicopter parent. But the good isn't something my brain can focus on and outside of writing that paragraph, I will self deprecate (not defecate) in every conversation about me.
I won't go into details about my children on here other than to say; Every day I feel intense despair seeing my two amazing children show signs and symptoms of many of my issues. They're mini-mes, just with hair and less to process right now. As they age and encounter various firsts, classes, stresses, etc, it gets harder and more painful every single day. I'm here because I need to help them find ways to better handle life than I have. I need to protect and provide them with the tools and ways to cope. They are the single reason I wake up every morning and hope I do for a long time. But, I'd be lying if I made a promise because each day is a battle in a never-ending war. We never know what tomorrow brings.
As you would guess if you've paid attention, I've reread and changed this probably 60 times over the past 4 hours. And, I'll be thinking about it for the next 24 hours second guessing every damn piece of it why I toss and turn wondering why I can't sleep
This is the important part...
While this is part of my story, it is just a starting point, hopefully an opportunity for you or somebody in your life to start the same process I did 30 years ago to seek help. Unfortunately, it will never be a cure. There's no magic pill that makes us all better. Medicine might smooth out the rollercoaster and therapy might work wonders. You have to try everything or you've already failed, and failure only leads one place. I might not be here by the time you get to reading this, but there has to be an attempt.
If you think somebody is struggling - young or old - reach out to them and have an open conversation. Help them when they don't even know they need help. Don't worry about offending somebody. Don't think you're intruding. Be ok that you might open a door you can't close. That's ok if it means at least one person starts the process.
Since I'm one of the very few members that is NOT anonymous, I was going to post this under a new account. However, I've gotten to understand I am the ****** up person I am so it doesn't matter if my name is attached to it - be proud of who you are. Hell, I was doxxed with house pictures, tax info, etc the 1st or 2nd year of CF and much worse since. Instead, despite putting more out there about myself than I'd normally like, my hope is maybe a single person somewhere will better understand a loved one, friend or colleague that is challenged and encourage them to seek help if they haven't in the past.
Please understand that while I have to put my story below to convey anything, this isn't a pity party or anything where I'm seeking support. I've had that for 15 years since CF started. This is hopefully to open eyes for somebody else's story to have a good ending and for others to take a chance to tell their story if they so desire.
Most days I wake up dreading the fact that I woke up, but not in the Monday morning work way. Too many times over the years it was predetermined that I wasn't going to, even very recently. Listen to Ghost by Badflower and you'll understand.
Like many people, I suffer from mental health issues - unfortunately something that impacts a lot of people every day.
For me individually, it's a toxic brew of 24/7, chronic anxiety, depression, OCD, and ADHD. I've lived with each forever and each one is it's own beast - together they're a nearly crippling and debilitating pain that I can't begin to describe. Unfortunately, I've been on every conceivable mix of about 30 different medicines - even trials - and they really only take the roughest corners off. Every minute I'm worrying to a near panic attack, doing ruminitions in my head, thinking about problems that need to be solved right now, feeling intense weight on my shoulders, and just hating life.
Because of or as part of my issues, I also have an extreme case of "inner monologue" - where your mind doesn't stop talking and thinking for a second, but magnified with about 4 parallel and intersecting streams. Every conversation I have in a day I play over and over in my mind, second guessing why I did or didn't say something, or how I'm going to handle it, or what about this scenario, etc. It creates a photographic memory, but at a high overhead cost. There is not a second of peace or quiet, it is constant and it's loud - I can be exhausted and literally have my eyes closed on the pillow for 6 hours trying to fall asleep every night to no avail. I thought that's how everybody was wired for the longest time, but I've since understood why people with mental health issues occasionally also have it, and why my wife and I sleep on different floors.
A day at work is filled with solving critical system or process issues, planning, roadmapping, and doing business and technical architecture of varying varieties. But what you don't see is that it's also filled with endless streams of worry, double checking, avoiding social situations when possible, picking up every critical issue to avoid something failing, overcommitting to make people above look good, being exhausted by working 2-3 people worth of work at 70-80 hrs/wk, etc. All because the mind says everybody has to be happy, everything has to be successful, every project needs to get done perfectly, and every plan needs a solution - or else. Everything has a stress point, everything is anxiety, and everything has a consequence. If you truly know how OCD works, you'll understand why it's brutal when mixed with anxiety, depression, and ADHD. It's a truly evil bastard.
I'm introverted and you'd never know any of the above by just looking at me or talking with me or working with me day-to-day. I don't have friends, I don't even know the names of my neighbors of 8 years. My phone has my immediate family, current colleagues for work emergencies, and ISU coaches/players/donors whom we know nothing about each other. There are a few others I've met here but I don't return their texts or calls. People ask me to do things and I never respond. I screen all calls, even of people I look up to and respect. I've never been to a party or "gone out for drinks". My mind just won't let me go there - and believe me, I've tried.
I was finally diagnosed with some of the above in my middle school years and the rest as a teenager, though standard Dr had already determined it. It was first very obvious to others when I got hives when invited to watch a movie with some people and then developed ulcers in my throat from the immense stress - I still get them all the time. At the same time I started medicine around age 10-ish, I tried my first therapist. That went on for a while but was finally told therapy just wasn't going to work for me. I've seen 4 or 5 really good doctors over the years and all have said the same thing after a while of intense effort. And it makes sense. Therapy works wonders for some people - and I'd encourage everybody to try it - but more when it comes to getting to understand the why, the how, or the way to handle something, scenarios, etc. There are certain situations or people it just isn't effective on for whatever reason, despite CBT or any other variation, unfortunately.
With that said, I'm a big believer that my challenges are actually what make me very effective and efficient at my profession. I'm the hardest, most dedicated worker you'll find. I can design technical and business solutions incredibly quickly and with great complexity. I can understand things quicker than Fran's face can turn red. It's also, I believe, why I'm a caring and supportive person (though I do play a good jerk online) - but also a helicopter parent. But the good isn't something my brain can focus on and outside of writing that paragraph, I will self deprecate (not defecate) in every conversation about me.
I won't go into details about my children on here other than to say; Every day I feel intense despair seeing my two amazing children show signs and symptoms of many of my issues. They're mini-mes, just with hair and less to process right now. As they age and encounter various firsts, classes, stresses, etc, it gets harder and more painful every single day. I'm here because I need to help them find ways to better handle life than I have. I need to protect and provide them with the tools and ways to cope. They are the single reason I wake up every morning and hope I do for a long time. But, I'd be lying if I made a promise because each day is a battle in a never-ending war. We never know what tomorrow brings.
As you would guess if you've paid attention, I've reread and changed this probably 60 times over the past 4 hours. And, I'll be thinking about it for the next 24 hours second guessing every damn piece of it why I toss and turn wondering why I can't sleep
This is the important part...
While this is part of my story, it is just a starting point, hopefully an opportunity for you or somebody in your life to start the same process I did 30 years ago to seek help. Unfortunately, it will never be a cure. There's no magic pill that makes us all better. Medicine might smooth out the rollercoaster and therapy might work wonders. You have to try everything or you've already failed, and failure only leads one place. I might not be here by the time you get to reading this, but there has to be an attempt.
If you think somebody is struggling - young or old - reach out to them and have an open conversation. Help them when they don't even know they need help. Don't worry about offending somebody. Don't think you're intruding. Be ok that you might open a door you can't close. That's ok if it means at least one person starts the process.
Star Wars Expanded Universe Thread
Similar to my other cinematic universe threads (Marvel Cinematic Universe, Fox X-Men Universe, DC Extended Universe), the following is a thread completely devoted to talking ALL things related to the existing and upcoming Star Wars Universe, whether it be movies, TV shows, comics, books... etc. Below is a good graphic depicting what is meant by the Star Wars Expanded Universe and what Disney now considers canon. It is important to know that once Disney bought Lucasfilms back in 2012, they decided to reset the existing canon. What I mean by that is they declared that the only thing considered canon moving forward was all the existing saga films (Episodes 1-6), as well as the existing animated TV shows (Clone Wars, Rebels). All else, including existing books, shorts stories, comics, and even the existing Ewok movies were all removed from canon. This was and has been a very controversial topic among fans.
Here is a more detailed and more accurate exact timeline on everything:
http://www.alltimelines.com/star-wars-timeline/canon/
Moving forward, the following is a graphic of the current upcoming schedule (the 2018 spin-off will be a Han Solo movie):
With all this said, this is the place to post any and all things Star Wars, whether that be news, opinions, reviews, rumors... etc.
Here is a more detailed and more accurate exact timeline on everything:
http://www.alltimelines.com/star-wars-timeline/canon/
Moving forward, the following is a graphic of the current upcoming schedule (the 2018 spin-off will be a Han Solo movie):
With all this said, this is the place to post any and all things Star Wars, whether that be news, opinions, reviews, rumors... etc.
Protect College Sports Act
- By PrimeCy
- General Discussion
- 35 Replies
Senators agree to bipartisan deal for guardrails in college sports, NIL
A bipartisan bill that would provide guardrails in college sports -- for NIL and other hot-button topics -- has been agreed upon. However, does it have much chance of one day passing into law? We're skeptical. We have much more.
247sports.com
Some good ideas but is there any way this happens?
Williams & Blum: Momcilovic decision day, Big 12 meetings, and the latest on Brendan Sorsby
- By Aiden Wyatt
- Football
- 7 Replies
Chris Williams and Brent Blum discuss the Milan Momcilovic situation ahead of his decision to stay in the draft or come back to college. The guys touch on what’s happening around conference meetings this week, the latest on Brendan Sorsby, and more. Presented by Mechdyne.
cyclonefanatic.com
Williams & Blum: Momcilovic decision day, Big 12 meetings, and the latest on Brendan Sorsby - Cyclone Fanatic
Chris Williams and Brent Blum discuss the Milan Momcilovic situation ahead of his decision to stay in the draft or come back to college. The guys touch on what’s happening around conference meetings this week, the latest on Brendan Sorsby, and more. Presented by Mechdyne.
cyclonefanatic.com
The Beat Reporters: Momcilovic Withdraws, Kick Times, and Naz Mitrou-Long
- By Aiden Wyatt
- Football
- 0 Replies
Jake Brend, Ben Hutchens, and Rob Gray react to the news of Milan Momcilovic withdrawing from the NBA Draft and what the fan reaction has been since his decision. Kickoff times are here, and it will be a primetime Cy-Hawk. Going back to the wheel to relive some great Cyclone memories and more. Courtesy of Kelderman Manufacturing.
cyclonefanatic.com
The Beat Reporters: Momcilovic Withdraws, Kick Times, and Naz Mitrou-Long - Cyclone Fanatic
Jake Brend, Ben Hutchens, and Rob Gray react to the news of Milan Momcilovic withdrawing from the NBA Draft and what the fan reaction has been since his decision. Kickoff times are here, and it will be a primetime Cy-Hawk. Going back to the wheel to relive some great Cyclone memories and more...
cyclonefanatic.com
Hannah Montana Super Bowl Halftime
I like the idea of having Metallica better myself
www.yahoo.com
’Nobody Wants This’ — NFL World Reacts As Miley Cyrus Emerges As Favorite To Headline Super Bowl 61 Halftime Show
The 2026-27 NFL season is still months away, but there’s already plenty of speculation over who will headline the Super Bowl 61 halftime show. There’s always plenty of speculation and debate over the ...
Missing Montezuma Boy Part 2
Not a whole lot of information other than reassurance that they are still working it and leads are continuing to come in.
i9 Investigation: New information in case of missing Iowa boy found dead
Investigators say they have new information bringing them closer to finding who killed a 10-year-old Iowa boy.
www.kcrg.com
i9 Investigation: New information in case of missing Iowa boy found dead
Investigators say they have new information bringing them closer to finding who killed a 10-year-old Iowa boy.
CF, assemble! Voting opportunity...
My niece, who is fighting Leukemia has been nominated for a "Super Mom" award. If you are so inclined I would sure appreciate you dropping her a vote or two.
thesupermom.org
You can vote free once per 24 hour period.
Thanks in advance.
Help decide which mom will be featured in NewBeauty Magazine and receive $20,000!
While Battling Leukemia, “I'm A Super Mom Because I Balance Unconditional Love, Endless Patience, I Turn Chaos Into Calm & Teach Resilience”
thesupermom.org
You can vote free once per 24 hour period.
Thanks in advance.
2026 Garden Thread
- By cydnote
- General Discussion
- 51 Replies
Having a farming background and my love for Trees, I have combined the two for my next venture. Technically not garden, but rather Orchard, I decided to try to grow peach trees from seeds. After doing some research and watching some YouTube videos, and subsequently failing, I tweaked the method and tried my own. Early September of last year I cracked some pits to retrieve the seeds. After visually sorting them, I packed them in some moistened cedar shavings (with the idea that they have some natural bacterial/fungal resistance), put them in the back of the refrigerator in a sealed mayonnaise jar. This was an attempt to replicate the chilling hours (cold stratification) required for germination. A few days ago they started to sprout and my method turned out to be successful as 29 of 31 sprouted. I spent the morning potting them up and we’ll see what happens from here!
Williams & Blum: Pollard’s Comments Go National, Cy-Hawk Spread, & Milan Watch Begins
- By Aiden Wyatt
- Football
- 4 Replies
Chris Williams and Brent Blum discuss Jamie Pollard’s comments that struck a nerve across college athletics, Iowa State opening as a double-digit underdog to Iowa, Milan Momcilovic’s looming NBA decision, and the future of the College Football Playoff. All this and more presented by Mechdyne.
cyclonefanatic.com
Williams & Blum: Pollard’s Comments Go National, Cy-Hawk Spread, & Milan Watch Begins - Cyclone Fanatic
Chris Williams and Brent Blum discuss Jamie Pollard’s comments that struck a nerve across college athletics, Iowa State opening as a double-digit underdog to Iowa, Milan Momcilovic’s looming NBA decision, and the future of the College Football Playoff. All this and more presented by Mechdyne.
cyclonefanatic.com
PETERSON: Gambling headlines aren’t what nationally irrelevant Big 12 football needs
Randy’s latest looks at the Sorsby situation and how it impacts the Big 12 at a pretty critical time.
cyclonefanatic.com
PETERSON: Gambling headlines aren’t what nationally irrelevant Big 12 football needs - Cyclone Fanatic
Sep 2, 2023; Bloomington, Indiana, USA; Ohio State Buckeyes safety Sonny Styles (6) tackles Indiana Hoosiers quarterback Brendan Sorsby (15) during the first half of the NCAA football game at Indiana University Memorial Stadium. Credit: Adam Cairns/Columbus Dispatch / USA TODAY NETWORK via Imagn...
cyclonefanatic.com