Kids leaving the nest - how to cope?

[Peter]

So my son just graduated from high school this week and is off to UW-Madison this fall. So incredibly proud of him, but honestly, it's been a really difficult week for me. It feels like someone suddenly put a bow on his whole childhood and I'm just not ready for this chapter of parenting to end. I've heard parents talk about this experience before, and I always rolled my eyes a bit. But damn, I get it now. I'm just not ready to say goodbye to that little kid whom I've seen grow up for these last 17 years. I'd give anything to go back in time and push him on the swing again on a warm summer day. So much of parenting is about keeping schedules and making money, and it feels like I just didn't get enough time to really soak it in, and now he's leaving the nest.

I know a lot of people here have gone through this transition. What experiences or perspectives have helped you get through it?

 

[Drew0311]

So my son just graduated from high school this week and is off to UW-Madison this fall. So incredibly proud of him, but honestly, it's been a really difficult week for me. It feels like someone suddenly put a bow on his whole childhood and I'm just not ready for this chapter of parenting to end. I've heard parents talk about this experience before, and I always rolled my eyes a bit. But damn, I get it now. I'm just not ready to say goodbye to that little kid whom I've seen grow up for these last 17 years. I'd give anything to go back in time and push him on the swing again on a warm summer day. So much of parenting is about keeping schedules and making money, and it feels like I just didn't get enough time to really soak it in, and now he's leaving the nest.

I know a lot of people here have gone through this transition. What experiences or perspectives have helped you get through it?

It took me about a month to get used to it. The not going to High school games, not following the club team around the country. All of that. Then you kind of get used to it. You start seeing pics of them living in their new enviroment have a blast, growing up, meeting new friends. Then you kind of replace all the stuff you used to do with you getting to do the stuff you have put off doing for the last years of raising them up to be adults. Yeah I did the cry in my car on the way home thing. I think everyone does. The next thing you are going to figure out is when they come back home for a break. You will have to adjust to them being back home. haha. Buy more food at the store, change your schedule. It's really a weird deal. Don't worry to much about them, they will be enjoying life. Just find something you like to do or always wanted to do. Then do it. Start living again without them. .

 

[drmwevr08]

I'm more nervous with my first on his own than when he was home. How can he possibly live without me!

(I know, but I'm the anxious type)

 

[enisthemenace]

In the same boat. Our youngest is heading off to college here too. I remember dropping our oldest off and that was hard. The youngest will be different, I think, because we will officially be empty nesters. I am excited for her, but growing sadder every day. It’s very hard.

 

[TXCyclones]

So my son just graduated from high school this week and is off to UW-Madison this fall. So incredibly proud of him, but honestly, it's been a really difficult week for me. It feels like someone suddenly put a bow on his whole childhood and I'm just not ready for this chapter of parenting to end. I've heard parents talk about this experience before, and I always rolled my eyes a bit. But damn, I get it now. I'm just not ready to say goodbye to that little kid whom I've seen grow up for these last 17 years. I'd give anything to go back in time and push him on the swing again on a warm summer day. So much of parenting is about keeping schedules and making money, and it feels like I just didn't get enough time to really soak it in, and now he's leaving the nest.

I know a lot of people here have gone through this transition. What experiences or perspectives have helped you get through it?

You're in the early stages. There will still be times when he comes home, but they become less and less frequent. Enjoy them all. My girls are 27 now, both living in Austin while we are now in Chicagoland since last Summer. One of my girls used to refer to me as her best friend, even after college was over. It feels like, as many friendships go, the tether has been broken and we catch up when we can.

The one daughter going to ISU 10 hours from home was great and allowed me to get onto campus and be part of the friend group and witness first-hand that she was thriving, which is what we all want for our kids. I helped this one network and she found an amazing job. But both girls migrated to Austin, and continue to thrive in their own respective ways now. Enjoy it all knowing this... your job is basically done. Pay close attention to their interests so that you can continue dialogue and participation in their lives; otherwise, the distance grows further yet.

Good job on raising a solid citizen and productive member of society. But its tough.

 

[Jnecker4cy]

It is tough, you will now have lots of time with noting or nothing normal to fill it with.

Find a new hobby. Do things you have wanted to do but never found the time. Volunteer. If you sit at home without making a new schedule for you and your other half you might continue to struggle.

I am now 3 years out, my son is at ISU so we are lucky and see him more than many other could but still miss the time with him. We will really be going through it again as he is headed off to grad school Jan 2027 and most likely in Canada.

Keep busy or you will continue to struggle with the change.

Good luck.

 

[Cyrealist]

I don't know, I never really missed them. But we did go visit them at college now and then.

 

[JP4CY]

It may suck for you, but tell your kid to not come home for a while. This is their time to shine and meet new people. When my parents dropped me off at college they were adamant that I do this (even knowing how much it sucked for them). It was sage advice.

For you, it might be time to consider downsizing/remodeling?

 

[KnappShack]

I'm over here running retirement numbers and looking at 2 kids under 7.

I'm no help. Just hoping to stay alive long enough for them to clear high school

 

[PineClone]

Sent two boys off to college four years apart. Youngest is graduating college in December.

It's hard. But, it seems like parents adjust to the empty nest pretty quickly. In addition to missing them, you have the stress of not knowing how they are doing. My biggest worry was the social aspect...hoping that they would get out and make new friends, versus just staying in their dorm room and socializing with old friends online.

This is a little bit off-topic, but the advice i'm giving to kids headed off to college is this: Leave your dorm room door open. It not only sends a message that you're open to visitors, but you can also engage with passers by, etc.

Good luck!

 

[cydsho]

Don't worry. Sometimes they come back!

 

[Gonzo]

So my son just graduated from high school this week and is off to UW-Madison this fall. So incredibly proud of him, but honestly, it's been a really difficult week for me. It feels like someone suddenly put a bow on his whole childhood and I'm just not ready for this chapter of parenting to end. I've heard parents talk about this experience before, and I always rolled my eyes a bit. But damn, I get it now. I'm just not ready to say goodbye to that little kid whom I've seen grow up for these last 17 years. I'd give anything to go back in time and push him on the swing again on a warm summer day. So much of parenting is about keeping schedules and making money, and it feels like I just didn't get enough time to really soak it in, and now he's leaving the nest.

I know a lot of people here have gone through this transition. What experiences or perspectives have helped you get through it?

First, congrats. UW Madison is a pretty amazing school, you and your son did well.

No easy answers. I've done it twice. Mine only went about 50 minutes away and it still hurt like hell. For me the one thing that helped was seeing them thrive away from home. Yes it sucked for me and my wife not having them around, but knowing that they were out there making new friends, exploring new interests, engaging in activities, having fun. That's where I took some solace.

I don't have any good advice I'm afraid, except maybe when you talk to catch up try to put the focus on him and what he's been doing, friends he's met, his classes and activities he's gotten into. Picturing him living his best life at college might soften the blow that I know you're dealing with.

 

[t.m.]

I grew up playing golf, a lot, until basically the kids were born. Then I played less and less, and barely touched a club throughout my 40's because of kids stuff (not saying that as a bad thing, just different priorities). Son left first, and then when daughters left, I went out and bought all new clubs/gear, and started playing again. Three years in, and I'm reaching "you're playing again?!?" levels from my wife. (handicap is also better than it ever was in high school/college)

Should add, my son graduated a month ago, and for now ,he's back. Golf not slowing down though....

 

[3TrueFans]

You get used to it, then they come back for summer and you wonder how long until they leave again. Dude’s always in my space and eating all my food.

 

[CycloneDaddy]

I have a to be Senior at ISU and trust me they never really leave

 

[cyputz]

Continue to love, support and mentor. You might have a few harsh surprises along with glorious moments

 

[Stumper]

We had 1 graduated from college, 1 in college and 2 in high school when we got into foster care 6 years ago. Currently, 2 have families started, 2 getting married this year and 1 starting kindergarten this fall. My wife brought a girl home at 2 days old and we ended up adopting her so we have a few more years before we'll experience an empty nest. lol

 

[pourcyne]

It may suck for you, but tell your kid to not come home for a while. This is their time to shine and meet new people. When my parents dropped me off at college they were adamant that I do this (even knowing how much it sucked for them). It was sage advice.

Excellent advice.

Letting go may be the biggest gift you ever give your kid.

It says, "I trust you to make good decisions on your own in this next stage of your life."

When - and if - you miss the kid, sit down and WRITE (or type) a letter and mail it to him. It will be appreciated more than he will ever let on. Ask some intriguing questions about what he's studying. Stuff like "What has surprised you the most?" "Who's the most interesting person you've met so far?" "Who's your best professor and why do you think so?" "Has anything you've encountered made you angry yet?" Stuff like that. It will fill some of your gap time all the while being like sitting next to him and chatting at the dinner table.

When the nest is empty, you can fill the time and space with other worthy activities. Volunteer. Sponsor a local team or some cub scouts. Sign up for trivia night. Take trips. Go fishing, hiking, biking. Plan to meet up with the kid on his turf a couple of months from now for dinner and/or local sight-seeing or maybe a home FB or BB game.

At home, do dumb stuff that takes your mind off missing him. Make a video (maybe of pictures of your kid as he grew up). Sing karaoke. Make a video of you singing karaoke. Write and sing a song about him. Mention you have this and then tell your kid that you will blackmail him by sending it to his dorm. (don't...remember, this activity is supposed to be dumb, not cruel). Take up painting. Learn a new game, like backgammon if you don't already play it. Pick out an author and read every book s/he has ever written.

The idea is to change up your routine. Instead of those bi-weekly school events, take in a play. Go to the opera (everyone should do that once). Visit different churches (if you're a church-goer).

I know. I'm telling you to get so busy that you forget to grieve. But it's okay to grieve for what you've lost, even if it's a happy loss. Just don't make it your life's work.

P.S. Lucky, lucky kid whose parents will miss him. That's what I call winning the gene pool. Hats off to you, OP.

 

[Cyclonepride]

It's tougher than you ever think it will be. For me, it just kind of slowly went away, though I still think of my 6'4, 250 28 year old son as my little boy. You see them succeed, fail, and keep going, and it kind of eventually hits you that they can do it without you worrying about it (kind of like a much bigger version of teaching them to ride a bike).

 

[exCYtable]

Sex. Uninhibited. Lots of it. Whenever you want. It’s glorious! Seriously though, time to rediscover each other.