Humor`

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely gorgeous. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new wives store opened across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
 
For a joke to be funny, it at least has to make sense, which this one never comes close to. There has to be a reason he asked for the things he did that ties back into what the other two asked for. To just say he effed up for the punchline is anticlimactic after reading through that whole long thing. And I can't believe I've stooped to telling someone how jokes work.
A moth walks in to a pediatrist's office...
 
For a joke to be funny, it at least has to make sense, which this one never comes close to. There has to be a reason he asked for the things he did that ties back into what the other two asked for. To just say he effed up for the punchline is anticlimactic after reading through that whole long thing. And I can't believe I've stooped to telling someone how jokes work.
Absurdist humor would like to have a word with you.

In this case, the joke is the journey. A punchline is often a surprise to the listener. It's an outcome that you weren't expecting either in phrasing or in the story elements of the joke. Sometimes you can see them coming. Sometimes you can't.

In this case, the punchline is subverting your expectations by answering a question that your brain has already told you the answer to from the very first time the guy makes a wish for his arm to rotate: "Why the hell would someone wish for something awful like that?" And the ultimate answer is "It would be an absolutely stupid thing to wish for." Meanwhile, the joke has you expecting something more profound. Some clever ribbon tying it all together. As the teller, the better you sell that story to the listener, the funnier it is.

And I'll admit, it's almost as funny to see people confused or rolling their eyes when they hear it. It fits into the Norm MacDonald "Moth" joke style, in my opinion. (Nowhere near as good, of course) But the same style of humor.
 
Absurdist humor would like to have a word with you.

In this case, the joke is the journey. A punchline is often a surprise to the listener. It's an outcome that you weren't expecting either in phrasing or in the story elements of the joke. Sometimes you can see them coming. Sometimes you can't.

In this case, the punchline is subverting your expectations by answering a question that your brain has already told you the answer to from the very first time the guy makes a wish for his arm to rotate: "Why the hell would someone wish for something awful like that?" And the ultimate answer is "It would be an absolutely stupid thing to wish for." Meanwhile, the joke has you expecting something more profound. Some clever ribbon tying it all together. As the teller, the better you sell that story to the listener, the funnier it is.

And I'll admit, it's almost as funny to see people confused or rolling their eyes when they hear it. It fits into the Norm MacDonald "Moth" joke style, in my opinion. (Nowhere near as good, of course) But the same style of humor.
I liked the joke.
 
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Women don’t generally appreciate this joke, but with my sick sense of humor, it kills me every time I hear it.
A man walks up to the ticket station at the bus stop to make a purchase. A voluptuous blonde greets him asking how she can help. The man says.” I would like two pickets to Tittsburg”. The blonde immediately says. “ what did you say?” And the man says “oh, sorry, that was a Freudian slip. You know when you are thinking one thing and saying another. Just like this morning when I meant to say. Honey, will you please pass the syrup?, But what came out was you effin b*tch you’ve wrecked my life”
 
In fairness, my wife @Angie thinks it's really stupid, so...

I think it's fair to say my sense of humor is more absurd than yours, and I enjoy Norm's moth joke and the ilk... but I just think this joke is dumb. Sorry, not sorry.
 
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I've told this one before, and I always get a lot of enjoyment out of it. Not always the listeners so much. It helps if you really get demonstrative when you tell it, and really drag things out. Also helps if everyone is drinking.

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.”

The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1.000.000.003.50.

----------
First guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.”

Second guy smiles and says “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”

Third guy walks in, looking terrible. His clothes are dirty and threadbare. His hair is long and unkempt. And sure enough, he's uncontrollably flailing his arms around and nodding his head. He looks miserable. The two other men walk over to him, to greet him. Before they can say a word, the man whimpers solemnly: “Guys, I think I ****ed up.”
I was thinking to myself "I read all this, it better be worth it." It was.
 
A man was golfing at his local club. He comes to a par 3 and hits a hole in one. Upon retrieving his ball from the hole a genie pops out. He says “I’m the genie of this hole and you are to be granted three wishes”.

The man lives his life and takes his wishes and a year later comes back to the same hole, at the same club, and hits another hole in one. As he takes his ball out of the hole, a genie pops out. The genie says, “I’m the genie of this hole….whoa, whoa, whoa. Aren’t you the same guy from last year? I can’t grant you more wishes. But I’m always curious as how I do. So, how’d it go?”

The golfer says, “You see how awesome my cart is? I’ve got $20,000 golf clubs. As you can tell, I’m the richest man in the world. You see the throngs of people over there trying to get even a glimpse of me? I’m the most powerful person in the world. And I have sex twice a week.”

“Sex twice a week?”, the genie says. “I usually do much better than that!”

The golfer says, “Well, it’s not bad for a priest in a small town.”
 
Not as funny as some of the others but I have to share an incident I encountered last weekend.
I live rural and was running some errands in town. The wife calls and asked if I could pick up a couple items at Walmart. I hate shopping at Walmart, and I hate shopping at Walmart on a Saturday morning even more, but I agreed to do it. Of course the place was crowded and I had to park a good distance from the entrance. As I made my way to the store I heard a woman screaming a couple of rows over in the parking lot. Upon investigation I realized two men were trying to wrestle her purse away. I am not a very intimidating looking person so what do I do? Should I pretend I never saw anything and keep walking or should I go and help?
Well, I decided to go help--and it's a good thing I did, 'cause it took all 3 of us to get that purse away from her!
 
Not as funny as some of the others but I have to share an incident I encountered last weekend.
I live rural and was running some errands in town. The wife calls and asked if I could pick up a couple items at Walmart. I hate shopping at Walmart, and I hate shopping at Walmart on a Saturday morning even more, but I agreed to do it. Of course the place was crowded and I had to park a good distance from the entrance. As I made my way to the store I heard a woman screaming a couple of rows over in the parking lot. Upon investigation I realized two men were trying to wrestle her purse away. I am not a very intimidating looking person so what do I do? Should I pretend I never saw anything and keep walking or should I go and help?
Well, I decided to go help--and it's a good thing I did, 'cause it took all 3 of us to get that purse away from her!
This was ******* fantastic
 
An old man passed away and he was generally considered a rotten SOB. His funeral was wrapping up and the Priest said, would someone like to say a few kind words before we leave for the cemetery. No one gets up and again the Priest repeats the same request. Again no one stands up so the Priest says we are not leaving until someone says something nice about him. Finally an old man gets up and shuffles to the front and says, "At least he was nicer than his brother".
 
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I think the best jokes I've ever heard were French. Sometimes they translate, sometimes they don't. Here's one that translates...irreverence and all...no offense intended to anyone, of course!

***

A thief breaks into a church and starts stealing all the gold plated items from the altar, when he hears a voice from the shadow say,

- You're lucky! You're just lucky!

The thief looks around, sees no one, thinks it's may the shredded remains of his guilty conscience, and keeps plundering, when once again, he hears

- You're lucky! You're just lucky!

By this time, he's not startled, so he continues. The next time it happens, he looks up and sees Jesus on the cross looking down at him saying, "You're lucky! You're just lucky!"

The thief decides to plead his case.

- Jesus, how can you say I am lucky? My life has gone so badly that I am forced to steal from a church!

To which Jesus answers,

- You're just lucky my feet are nailed down, or I would kick your a**!