Why Your Town Sucks #1: Coralville

NorthCyd

Well-Known Member
SuperFanatic
SuperFanatic T2
Aug 22, 2011
11,838
14,095
113
Rural living sucks
Suburban living sucks

Inner city the only decent place to live then or what?
I lived in north DSM for about 10 years. It had its perks, but I won't miss:

Calling the cops at midnight because a drunk didn't know where he was and was trying to break into our house.

Homeless people walking down the back alley yelling at us and our child.

Meth dealers living 2 doors down from our house.

Seeing SWAT parked outside our house because a block down a man decided to kill his wife and a random onlooker before taking his kids hostage in their home.

Our neighbors leaving their 5 year old to watch their infant while they went out to do who knows what. Eventually the state took the kids and the mother kidnapped the 5 year old kicking off an amber alert.

I've lived in Johnston and Ankeny since. Surprisingly no similar incidents in any of the neighborhoods I've lived in. Guess the burbs aren't all bad.
 

AuH2O

Well-Known Member
Sep 7, 2013
7,908
10,937
113
It was oringinally not called Coralville, but Coalville, and it was right next to the abandoned town of Pyrite.
I figured it was named after the rich coral reef in Lake MacBride. Guess you learn something new every day.
 

Farnsworth

Well-Known Member
Apr 11, 2006
15,844
4,340
113
Des Moines, IA
Well, Ankeny is an up and coming ********. They’re hot right now.

I left ankeny about a year ago and thought I'd miss it, quite the opposite. I was there for 6 years and miss a few restaurants but not enough to even drive up there. Terrible place. I'm kinda on drake/beaverdale now and so much better and has character.
 

Farnsworth

Well-Known Member
Apr 11, 2006
15,844
4,340
113
Des Moines, IA
I wanna see city history off the normal lists. Like Perry, Jefferson, Burlington, Clinton. All seem like shitholes.

Stick it to the admins too. Clarinda sucks ass. I'm from the area and people drove 40 minutes away to work to get out of there. We took advantage.
 

farminclone

Well-Known Member
Nov 16, 2009
7,775
8,958
113
I wanna see city history off the normal lists. Like Perry, Jefferson, Burlington, Clinton. All seem like shitholes.

Stick it to the admins too. Clarinda sucks ass. I'm from the area and people drove 40 minutes away to work to get out of there. We took advantage.

Most small-medium size Iowa towns that are dumpy used to have a large manufacturing or packing plant type employer that the town was hugely dependent on. Then that employer goes away and the town slowly dies and turns into a bunch of low-rent housing inhabited my meth-heads.
 

Cyinthenorth

Well-Known Member
SuperFanatic
SuperFanatic T2
Mar 29, 2013
9,124
5,279
113
33
Dubuque
Also please add pics of shittiness, that could get fun in these lame duck run down towns.

For instance, hey Dirty Dodge, Ja-Mars isn't an incredible one of a kind culinary institution, its a Mecca for inbred Iowa hicks. It's a fried food hellhole like a permanent Iowa State fair booth, except the Iowa State Fair brings creativity in it's offerings and KNOWS it should only be consumed once a year.

View attachment 92322
o.jpg
Ja-mar is a national treasure, so is Taco Tico, how dare you?!
 

AuH2O

Well-Known Member
Sep 7, 2013
7,908
10,937
113
I wanna see city history off the normal lists. Like Perry, Jefferson, Burlington, Clinton. All seem like shitholes.

Stick it to the admins too. Clarinda sucks ass. I'm from the area and people drove 40 minutes away to work to get out of there. We took advantage.
I’ve been in Jefferson a few times for kids sports. It doesn’t seem bad to me at all. I think one thing I notice about a lot of these Iowa towns is the uglier industrial areas are along the main roads and entrances to town, so a drive-by gives a very poor impression.
 

Cydkar

Well-Known Member
Apr 12, 2006
25,844
10,894
113
Welcome to the new weekly series: Why your town sucks. Twice per week I'll highlight one of the bland, dangerous, or outright worthless towns in Iowa.

Some people love where they're from. Here's why they shouldn't.

Your Town: Coralville. Population 22,318 (+18% from 2010)

Coralville is for people who think Iowa City is too liberal. Biden only won Coralville by 55%, so it's slacking for Johnson County. If you like living in the "majestic rolling hills" of Iowa, but not rich enough to afford houses designed to look like the unwashed toilet bowl that is Kinnick Stadium, this place is for you. Whether you want a chain restaurant or a chain big box store, you're in hog-heaven here. Home to both rich people and poor people, Coralville is the bland surburban town for everyone.

Your County: Johnson County. Population 152,854 (+17% since 2010)

One of the few counties that is growing in Iowa, Johnson County is home to the Iowa Hawkeyes, rent assistance fraud, and a hospital parking ramp that local residents use as a porta-potty during football game tailgating. Johnson County residents think they are smarter than other Iowans, but they're just thinner. Probably from all the cocaine available from the Chicago-suburb transplants that pay $30,000/year to learn how to write real good.

Your High School: Iowa City West and Clear-Creek Amana.

Iowa City West is for the kids of professors and multiple racist social media posts. Though they've won multiple state championships in basketball, tennis, and soccer, much like their collegiate counterparts at U of Iowa, their football team hasn't won anything major in their students' lifetimes. Girls end up going to Iowa to study journalism or marketing and boys go to Iowa to drink and eventually burn through their parents' trusts funds on Old Style and Black & Milds.

Clear Creek - Amana is so meaningless they had to combine multiple towns to come up with a district name. If your school has a hyphen, it's not worth mentioning. Located in Tiffin, and much like the education you'll get here, it has a driveway that leads nowhere.

Your college: Obviously, Kirkwood Community College. The home to cosmotology students and the finest welders in the area, Kirkwood is the main source of fandom for the Iowa Hawkeyes. A walk through the sprawling campus will show Chicago Cubs tshirts, Hawkeye hats, and Let's Go Brandon bumber stickers.

Your mayor: John Lundell. John looks like a nice-enough guy. What makes him look smart is his official portrait. A red tie and yellow I on his lapel. A real Cyclone at heart, sly enough to fool the rubes in Coralville.

Your elected representative: Mariannette Miller-Meeks. Three M's is better than three K's. Although who knows...

Your industries: Retail, hotel accomodations, and Kirkwood professors. A real who's who of capitalism. Klein Quarry is just outside city limits. A $15 minimum wage would probably double the household income in Coralville. The mall isn't going to staff itself.

Famous People: Nate Kaeding. Nate was a kicker for the local college and somehow got drafted into the NFL. If you dream hard enough, you too can find a ticket out of this suburban wasteland. Nate made 53% of his field goals in the playoffs. If that was a batting average he'd be the best to ever play the game. Unfortunetly, 53% for a kicker is awful. Just like his hometown.

What's new that sucks: Auburn Ridge subdivision. If your wife wants a "custom home" that looks like every other house in Johnson County, except for a different shade of granite quartz countertop, this is the place for you. Barn doors and shiplap? Maybe. A white floor-to-ceiling coat/backpack cubby in the entryway? You betcha! The standard three car garage is perfect for your husband's Ram 1500 and boxes of woodworking equipment he'll never use. According to the website, "Auburn Ridge's builders' experienced notoriety is hard at work designing memorable and trendsetting homes." Uh huh.

What has always sucked: The Coralridge mall. Home to both Auntie Anne's Pretzels and AT&T, this center of early 2000's fun has been a staple here since 1998. Just about the last time Iowa City West mattered in football.

What doesn't totally suck: Costco. The only retail store along this soulless stretch of middle America that pays its workers decently. If your "custom home" needs TP, a backyard playset that your kid will use for 6 weeks and then forget about, or 14 roast chickens, this is the place. The liquor is so cheap here even Kirkwood students can afford it. Hooray, Costco!
People need hobbies.
 

Farnsworth

Well-Known Member
Apr 11, 2006
15,844
4,340
113
Des Moines, IA
I’ve been in Jefferson a few times for kids sports. It doesn’t seem bad to me at all. I think one thing I notice about a lot of these Iowa towns is the uglier industrial areas are along the main roads and entrances to town, so a drive-by gives a very poor impression.

I have an overly huge hate for that place due to an event that occurred earlier this year so I have a bad taste in my mouth.
 

Cyinthenorth

Well-Known Member
SuperFanatic
SuperFanatic T2
Mar 29, 2013
9,124
5,279
113
33
Dubuque
Wow, is this true? I think I need to go visit Clinton out of curiosity.
I have visited Clinton frequently in my life, wife is from there originally, and I don't think it's that bad. I have a lot of experience visiting towns like Fort Dodge, Mason City, Marshalltown etc. and I think Clinton is in the same mold
 

AuH2O

Well-Known Member
Sep 7, 2013
7,908
10,937
113
I wanna see city history off the normal lists. Like Perry, Jefferson, Burlington, Clinton. All seem like shitholes.

Stick it to the admins too. Clarinda sucks ass. I'm from the area and people drove 40 minutes away to work to get out of there. We took advantage.
Also, my son played baseball a couple times in Perry and you haven’t lived until you’ve had an El Sabor beef tongue taco. Oddly I kind of thought Perry was kind of interesting and sort of liked it. Several years ago spent a couple days there doing a workshop at the hotel. I thought the downtown was pretty cool. Maybe I just had really low expectations, but I thought it was not bad. Seeing a bunch of old white people getting geared up for Cinco de Mayo was a fun sight.
 

pourcyne

Well-Known Member
Feb 19, 2011
3,380
1,069
113
Last time I was in Coralville (a coupla weeks ago), it's smelled strongly of Eau de Hog Manure. (seriously)
 

Help Support Us

Become a patron