Ghosting

Dgilbertson

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Have a friend who was so into this guy for months then they were ghosted. Friend is really struggling and I’m not well versed in this stuff having been in a relationship for 12+ years. Has anyone been ghosted? What did you do? Did you confront the ghoster? Seems like ghosters would love that they got to you and would revel in knowing they hurt you but maybe that’s just me. I told my friend to not respond if and when they come back. Not sure if that’s sound advice though.

Anyone willing to admit they ghosted someone and why?

Thoughts? Any would be appreciated. I don’t know if I am being helpful to them or not. But seeing them this way sucks and ghosting seems pretty cowardly or narcissistic.
“so into this guy for months” could mean a lot of things. Hard to know depending on the situation.
 

Dgilbertson

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I was just talking about this to someone else on facebook.

Ghosting is very common unfortunately. Not just in dating but friendships and job interviews too.

Confronting the other person doesn't do any good. I did it recently.
Ghosters usually don't care if they hurt you or not. They've deemed someone or something else more important. This is why confronting them won't really do anything, It could get the person to do introspection on themself, but usually isn't the case.

We're so used to social media and being behind technology that people in general lack humanizing people. We forget the other person has feelings, emotions, and stuff going on. We only consider what is best for us, even if it hurts the other person.

Ghosting is a very childish thing to do. If you can't tell a person, something to the form of, "Thank you but I'm not interested in pursuing this further, I wish you the best". You shouldn't have a managerial position or be dating.

Job related wise. I interviewed for a position at a financial institution in Des Moines about 5 years ago. I completed the interview and they said they'd keep in touch. They said they were still working on interviews. Another month, told me I was a finalist and they were preparing final interviews. I didn't get a rejection email until 6 months later. I forgot about the job at that point, but I will never do an interview with that company with the lack of professionalism they displayed at the end.

A mature person will not ghost someone they know has feelings for them. The best thing you can do as a friend is listen to them vent. It sounds like your friend didn't do anything wrong. The world has a lot of emotionally immature people and ghosting makes it easy to spot these people to not involve in your life. Let your friend know he's not alone, this happens to everyone.
This “I was ghosted by a job interview” is wild logic to me. Whenever I’ve been looking for work I see it as my job to do everything I can to get in. Following up, reaching out. This was well before I was a hiring manager.
 

Al_4_State

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I ghosted a girl that was a long term long distance relationship. We met in person and we just weren't at the right place maturity wise. I loved her but I wasn't in love with her. She was obsessed. I didn't intend to ghost her at first but when I told her it wasn't going to happen she called me 86 times in a row before I decided the only thing I could do was let her go.

I did after years reconnect with her. She was startled and shamed me for it but we still talk occasionally. I know she's never forgiven me and I don't blame her but sometimes all you can do is what's right for someone's health.

She's married now but I get the sense they are kind of a loveless marriage.

I don't know if it was the right choice but I wasn't healthy in her life at that point.
When you've told someone it isn't going to happen, I don't think that's really ghosting FWIW.
 

MJ29

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Your friend's situation sounds narcissistic and toxic. Sounds like your friend was love bombed (the nature of the messages and communication) and then ghosted. The guy just wants to see how much they can affect someone. If your friend reaches out, they'll probably be labeled as crazy or obsessed. Your friend is better off finding someone healthier.
 
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BCClone

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Not exactly sure.
They didn’t feel they were ghosted. They were ghosted. Hundreds (literally I saw the back and forth on my friends phone) of messages from the ghoster on a daily basis. I miss you. I can’t stop thinking about you. Blah blah blah. Then just cuts off all comms. That’s ghosting. Not sure how my friend is narcissistic but happy to hear your thoughts.
Seriously, if there were hundreds daily, that’s not even healthy. Reading that, I’m not surprised this was the course. Situations like that that require all a persons attention due fast when something else starts to spark interest in the needy person.
 
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Mr.G.Spot

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I would not have any advice until I have heard both sides. Be supportive, but shy away from joining the "ghosting" party. U might be reinforcing their issues.
 
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SolterraCyclone

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I’ve never been ghosted, but I know people who have been. If your friend only had been on a couple dates, it was immature to be ghosted, but probably not a big deal. Unfortunately, I also know people who have been ghosted after a months/year-long relationship

I listed the reasons (verified and unverified below)
  • One guy was straight up sociopathic and manipulative and had my friend wrapped around his finger. He would also ghost her but do the social media stuff. In my opinion, he got off on this girl wanting him and torturing her.
  • The ghoster is a coward and afraid of conflict
  • The ghoster is in another relationship or met someone knew
  • The ghoster is an alcoholic, abusing substances, suffering from depression, or all 3
  • Your friend is being catfished (if they hadn’t met in person and only communicated by phone/text)
I will also say, the closure would help your friend, but if he/she is struggling this badly, than they’d be struggling if there actually was closure too. In some ways, it might be easier to focus on the pain of the ghosting rather than the fact that it’s actually over (although the likes and comments on social media by the ghoster is sick).
 

Dgilbertson

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I ghosted a girl that was a long term long distance relationship. We met in person and we just weren't at the right place maturity wise. I loved her but I wasn't in love with her. She was obsessed. I didn't intend to ghost her at first but when I told her it wasn't going to happen she called me 86 times in a row before I decided the only thing I could do was let her go.

I did after years reconnect with her. She was startled and shamed me for it but we still talk occasionally. I know she's never forgiven me and I don't blame her but sometimes all you can do is what's right for someone's health.

She's married now but I get the sense they are kind of a loveless marriage.

I don't know if it was the right choice but I wasn't healthy in her life at that point.
That’s not ghosting to me. Thats boundaries.
 
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bpmdu

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Actually had this happen extremely recently. It's really hard not to take it personally. This is a condensed version of a long ass story.
Met a girl through work virtually about 4 years ago. We developed - what I thought - was a strong friendship over the years. The last couple years we had been texting and facetiming daily. Recently, I had some extra PTO and she wanted to go do something that her friends wouldn't so I offered to come visit and see the city and go to that event with her. This would be the first time meeting in person. She was excited and agreed.
Anyways, I get there... and she's already facetiming me the minute I land. I get to my airBNB and then go see her and she's immediately off and awkward. Kinda hard to describe but we go out and meet some of her friends. That goes ok IMO and then the next day at around noon she picks me up to play pickleball with some friends as well. That goes until 3 pm and she's like well I'm gonna drop you off and that's pretty much all I'm doing today. So I go back and then around dinner time I call her and she doesn't answer, then I text and she says she's talking to her mom. I ask if I can stop by to chat for a few mins she says no she's way too tired. Ok, whatever.. ask her where to eat and she tells me a place down the way from her apt complex. I go there and then wander around the area which includes walking past her building. Next day I text to see what's going on and she immediately gets confrontational and asks why I walked by her building bc some of her friends saw me. So I explain I'm just lookin around an area I don't know and she pretty much stop responding at that point. I tried to text and call later and she didn't respond. The event we were supposed to go to was the next day. Nada. I never talked to her again. Spent 2 more days in a city I didn't know. We haven't communicated since.
Still feel kinda hurt by it but I'm moving on. It's becoming clear to me that while I was her friend and there for her frequently, I wasn't ever her friend but apparently more of a therapist that she used until it was inconvenient. Really enjoyed talking to her and regret going to see her bc that "friendship" is dead.
 

JM4CY

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Nope, that sounds like a normal, healthy relationship.

Congratulations. It’s not ghosting, it called peace and quiet aka winning.

Sometimes the cold shoulder isn’t so bad. A little peace and quiet can be nice.
I hear this calm stuff but I know this woman and also feel a bit like…

giphy.gif
 

chuckd4735

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Over the years I've had to inform a lot of finalists for job interviews that they were not selected, and I always hated having to do this. However, I felt strongly that they deserved hearing directly from us as quickly as possible, and I thought notifying by email was sort of rude.

I admit, though, that I would often hope they didn't answer my call so I could leave a message. My message was always very polite and sympathetic, but I still felt guilty.
Ditto. The first time I got ghosted as a finalist for a job, I vowed to never do that to anyone moving forward. Its hard, but I feel its the right thing to do.
 

CloneFanInKC

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Over the years I've had to inform a lot of finalists for job interviews that they were not selected, and I always hated having to do this. However, I felt strongly that they deserved hearing directly from us as quickly as possible, and I thought notifying by email was sort of rude.

I admit, though, that I would often hope they didn't answer my call so I could leave a message. My message was always very polite and sympathetic, but I still felt guilty.
Very professional and empathetic of you to make the personal notification!
 

Rabbuk

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Over the years I've had to inform a lot of finalists for job interviews that they were not selected, and I always hated having to do this. However, I felt strongly that they deserved hearing directly from us as quickly as possible, and I thought notifying by email was sort of rude.

I admit, though, that I would often hope they didn't answer my call so I could leave a message. My message was always very polite and sympathetic, but I still felt guilty.
I feel like the bar is so low now that I'd be happy if the company just updated your application status online rather than just leaving it indefinitely in some pending or review status. You're in the top .5% of hiring managers.
 

coolerifyoudid

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Actually had this happen extremely recently. It's really hard not to take it personally. This is a condensed version of a long ass story.
Met a girl through work virtually about 4 years ago. We developed - what I thought - was a strong friendship over the years. The last couple years we had been texting and facetiming daily. Recently, I had some extra PTO and she wanted to go do something that her friends wouldn't so I offered to come visit and see the city and go to that event with her. This would be the first time meeting in person. She was excited and agreed.
Anyways, I get there... and she's already facetiming me the minute I land. I get to my airBNB and then go see her and she's immediately off and awkward. Kinda hard to describe but we go out and meet some of her friends. That goes ok IMO and then the next day at around noon she picks me up to play pickleball with some friends as well. That goes until 3 pm and she's like well I'm gonna drop you off and that's pretty much all I'm doing today. So I go back and then around dinner time I call her and she doesn't answer, then I text and she says she's talking to her mom. I ask if I can stop by to chat for a few mins she says no she's way too tired. Ok, whatever.. ask her where to eat and she tells me a place down the way from her apt complex. I go there and then wander around the area which includes walking past her building. Next day I text to see what's going on and she immediately gets confrontational and asks why I walked by her building bc some of her friends saw me. So I explain I'm just lookin around an area I don't know and she pretty much stop responding at that point. I tried to text and call later and she didn't respond. The event we were supposed to go to was the next day. Nada. I never talked to her again. Spent 2 more days in a city I didn't know. We haven't communicated since.
Still feel kinda hurt by it but I'm moving on. It's becoming clear to me that while I was her friend and there for her frequently, I wasn't ever her friend but apparently more of a therapist that she used until it was inconvenient. Really enjoyed talking to her and regret going to see her bc that "friendship" is dead.
I'm going out on a limb, but it sounds like she may have been in a possessive relationship before and her friends were "watching out for her". When they saw you walking around her neighborhood (even though she gave you a restaurant near her apt) it could have come across as stalker-ish to outsiders.

Either that or maybe the 'idea of you' versus a relationship was what she was after.

Keep your head up. I am of the mind that when things don't work out, it usually ends up being better in the long run.
 
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