Aging parents - questions to ask

[VeloClone]

HIPAA laws suck in that circumstance. It's amazing how often the POA thing is not remembered. Truly very sorry to hear about your struggles. Dementia sucks. My mom refuses to take medications. Dad doesn't want to upset her. Her neurologist told her last fall there's nothing more that can be done and only she could help slow the process by: exercising, regularly taking her medications, socializing and doing brain exercises. She nodded her head, went home and did nothing. My sister and I have researched a lot about the progress of dementia and tried to get my parents to start being proactive instead of reactive, but it falls on deaf ears. At some point we (my sister and I) had to come to terms with the fact there's only so much we can do until they get to a point they're willing to change or we are legally able to change things. It's hard.

Thanks.

I'm pretty sure HIPAA doesn't preclude sharing that information with the residential care center though.

Also, the hospital was sharing all of her other medical information with my sister that would have been HIPAA protected. They just didn't include this (pretty important) little nugget.

 

[NWICY]

My Mom has dementia and we are nearing the time where she needs to go to a nursing home. My Dad is meeting with a local nursing home and also with his attorney to get some questions answered. My sister is going with to take notes since there's a good chance Dad won't remember it all. My sister & I are the only children and we're putting together a list of questions for both appointments - like what do we need in place in case Dad dies while Mom is in the nursing home. Since we've not been through this before, what questions should we ask? And, yes, I'm also looking online for ideas. I'm just looking for some thoughts from those that have been in this spot or have planned for it.

Also depending on your mom's other needs you may want to look into a memory care facility. It works well if you are trying to keep them from having other problems. They may also be a bit less expensive.

My cousin is in one of these it seems nicer than a nursing home to me.

Good luck Alzheimers SUCKS.

 

[Ms3r4ISU]

When I read this thread title, I thought it meant something else. And now that you've gotten a lot of good information from those with experience, I'll share my answer to what I thought was your question.

Ask her/them about their childhood, their family, their upbringing. What would they want to be sure their great-great-grandchildren know about them and their lives. Sometimes that type of question is easier to ask, and you might get some real insight into who they are and were.

Ex: Years ago, DH and I stayed overnight with one set of my grandparents after the gigantic family Christmas. The next morning we were talking and my grandma showed me a flashlight that was on a shelf in the "family" room. She told the story of how she was working at the local hardware store when my grandpa (not sure they even knew each other then) came in looking for a flashlight. She sold it to him and they'd kept it for all those decades. Cool story, right? When we got back to my parents' house, I mentioned the flashlight to my mom (they were her parents) and she asked me questions about it. I thought that was strange because I had just found out, and she would have known for years. But when I finished, my mom said, "I didn't know that. I've never heard that." And I felt like crawling under a rock because my grandma told me a family story about my grandparents' earliest days, that she - their daughter - had no knowledge of.

And finally, think about writing down your own answers to those same questions. The only way our legacy lives is for us to make sure we share it. Good luck with everything.

 

[carvers4math]

When I read this thread title, I thought it meant something else. And now that you've gotten a lot of good information from those with experience, I'll share my answer to what I thought was your question.

Ask her/them about their childhood, their family, their upbringing. What would they want to be sure their great-great-grandchildren know about them and their lives. (Sometimes that type of question is easier to ask, and you might get some real insight into who they are and were.

Ex: Years ago, DH and I stayed overnight with one set of my grandparents after the gigantic family Christmas. The next morning we were talking and my grandma showed me a flashlight that was on a shelf in the "family" room. She told the story of how she was working at the local hardware store when my grandpa (not sure they even knew each other then) came in looking for a flashlight. She sold it to him and they'd kept it for all those decades. Cool story, right? When we got back to my parents' house, I mentioned the flashlight to my mom (they were her parents) and she asked me questions about it. I thought that was strange because I had just found out, and she would have known for years. But when I finished, my mom said, "I didn't know that. I've never heard that." And I felt like crawling under a rock because my grandma told me a family story about my grandparents' earliest days, that she - their daughter - had no knowledge of.

And finally, think about writing down your own answers to those same questions. The only way our legacy lives is for us to make sure we share it. Good luck with everything.

When my parents health was deteriorating, one of my brothers and I got all of the jobs to help them out as our other siblings had too much to do or lived too far away. They did have enough time to complain if they weren’t satisfied with the care we were providing in shopping, meals, doctor appointments, etc.

Those tasks, not easy with five young children in tow. But they were the best spent time we ever had. My father, a survivor of the War in the Pacific, never talked to anyone but Mom about the war, until the last year of his life. My brother and I heard so many horrors, but it explained so many things about Dad. The only war movies or TV shows he would watch were Hogan’s Heroes and MASH, because instead of glorifying war, they made fun of the stupidity.

When one of my sons was complaining about getting to church early, I told him that Dad always hauled us there half an hour early, to pray for the soldier who shot him; Dad was pretty sure he killed him in return fire. He prayed for others he shot as well. My sister said she had never heard that, and my brother responded that it was such a privilege to learn who are parents really were in the last years of their lives.

So I can’t like your comment enough. It’s so hard to balance our lives and find time for these tasks. But our loved ones live on through what we can pass on. Try to learn and document all you can. It’s a difficult time with so much to do, but the memories are well worth it.

 

[Kinch]

One thing residents love is fresh homegrown fruits and vegetables. Cooked peas and carrots, slice of watermelon and musk melon go a long way to make your parents or close friends happy. I close church friend who grew up on a farm and had to go to a nursing home. She hated the food. After checking with her daughter and her nurse, I brought a slice of watermelon and other veggies. You should have seen the smile on her face.

 

[Kinch]

My story is a horror story I hope no one ever experiences. I'll be brief. Parents divorced. Dad has will his whole life stipulating his wishes. He marries very late in life out of fear of dying alone. His wishes, both verbally and contractually remain the same, but with an equal share for his new wife. We understand. He develops Alzheimer's. We're prohibited by his wife from even seeing him; most likely because we'll inform him of what she'd done. Will, Power of Attorney, and Power of Health care gets changed leaving all his children completely out with everything going to his wife. We get legal counsel and are finally able to see him. At that point we could give a s%^&t about the will. We hadn't seen our father in 2 years. And when we did he couldn't remember any of us. Furthermore his bodily condition was deplorable. We started a background check. Two healthcare people assigned to take care of him at home on a part time bases conveyed 'abuse' and very poor care from his wife. By this time, we had zero recourse because of his confinement. Please note: his lifetime attorney was also changed, along with his Alzheimer's doctors.
PLEASE, PLEASE do not be complacent. Evil lurks where he or she could be taken advantage of. Especially, after one or the other's demise and a dementia related illness.

Very sorry. Unfortunately, this type of thing gets played out far too often.

 

[StPaulCyclone]

All good stuff shared here. A couple of thoughts I’d add…

I may have missed it, but decide if a DNR is something your parents would want to have in place. POA may be required for your mom, to put a DNR in place, but not sure how that is handled. Both my parents had these and were adamant about it.

When a loved one goes into a facility, it is important be there regularly and build relationships. We set up a cadence between my brother and me, as well as our spouses. We were there regularly and knew the staff by name. We always said please and thank you and helped when we could. This last part may seem odd, but the residents had dispensed with pleasantries years ago and family members were often rude too. We occasionally show up with coffee, donuts, etc.; needless to say, the staff new us, liked us and more importantly took extra good care of mom. Not to mention, when there was a problem with a staff member on the night shift, it was resolved immediately. There had been complaints, but ours carried more weight and the person was terminated. after mom passed, we held an event and brought in some food and beverages as a thank you.

 

[cyballrulz93]

Been through this recently (in Iowa). My position is to have as much planning done ahead of time as possible, so this list may seem a little long.

Financial/legal
*Will(s)
*"Regular" POA
*Medical POA / living will / DNR forms
*LTC insurance - what is the facility's procedure and what is your carrier's procedure (may have a 90-day waiting period before insurance will start covering)
*Add names/authorized signers on bank accounts (in case the bank is skittish about a bunch of POA transactions)
*Gather up SSN card, Medicare/Medicaid card, IDs, and any documentation of other assets (investments, property, vehicle titles, etc.)

Medical
*Doctor assessment (important for both LTC and facility)
*Sign up for (or get access to) MyChart, OneChart, or whatever type of online communications the doctor's office offers

Facility
*Payments (see LTC procedures)
*Levels of care - they will likely offer different levels of care depending on condition (mobility, "personal" care, eating, etc.)
*If they have separate "assisted living" and "nursing/memory care" wings, they may ask to do an assessment to see which she is better suited for, and at what level of care. They'll probably lean toward going straight into memory care so you don't have to move her twice within the building.
*Amenities - bring along a tape measure and sketch pad so you know what will fit in her space
*Terms of use/rental terms - it may be just like renting an apartment as far as terms and conditions

Hospice
*Depending on how far along your mom's condition is, possibly start investigating area hospice providers -- e.g., do they offer service in the facility, or only at home?

Funeral
*Seems a little morbid, but start identifying specific things she may want in regards to services while she is still able to decide/answer
*Have a preliminary meeting with the preferred funeral home so you can at the very least have a checklist of what will need to be done on that front, plus get an idea of costs

I lost my dad 2 1/2 years ago to Alzheimer's and all the other health issues that come with it. This is a great list and is spot on. The financials and legals were BY FAR the toughest areas to navigate. It really helps if you can find a solid attorney who specializes in elder care and family planning. They can help guide you through a lot of situations.

 

[carvers4math]

Also, if it’s in the safety deposit box, make sure you or your sibling can get into it.

This is a very simple process if done now. Husband and I recently talked to bank about this and they just need some basic identification stuff from our sons and for us to go fill out a form.

 

[zeke]

Lots of good information here. My mom was in a nursing home for 12 years with dementia. My advice, share the good memories, laugh when you can otherwise too many tears. Lots of support groups and be honest with siblings.

 

[nfrine]

Lots of good information here. My mom was in a nursing home for 12 years with dementia. My advice, share the good memories, laugh when you can otherwise too many tears. Lots of support groups and be honest with siblings.

Been there with a MIL and as POA (Financial and medical) for a long-time family friend. MIL spend 10+ years with dementia. Friend 6+ years. Hard times with glimmers of happiness sprinkled in. It was amazing the simple things that would kindle their thoughts...old time music/hymns would often have them singing right along.

 

[isucy86]

You mentioned your mom has dementia, so assumption is she would go directly into memory care. But I would understand if that is the case & if not what are criteria for switching to memory care.

Would also make sure mom, dad, you & sister meet with lawyer and go over financial, medical and will.

My heart goes out to you because dementia can have varied impacts on people's personalities. Some people can be difficult and others able to live in the minute.

You touched on it. You might expect with your mom to pass first, but also consider possibility dad might be first to die.

Lastly, this could be a big burden on your dad and sadly your mom's health could impact your dad's physical & mental health. So make sure he is getting support as well.

Bless your family.

 

[swiacy]

Very good comments being shared. Here’s some suggestions from the facility ownership side. I was an owner of a Corporation that built and operated an assisted living facility that included a “memory care” wing. Take some time to quietly walk through the facility and observe the atmosphere without management looking over your shoulder. Is it clean? Are residents moving around and engaged? How about odor? A well run facility will have a feel of any well run motel. Quality food is the #1 focus for any facility. A feeling of community with folks dressing up to go to meals daily is very important. Many times folks are shut in with out of state children and become reclusive but when put in the proper facility will come out of their shell and socialize again which in many cases prolong their lives. The insurance, government assistance, cost, sorting through belongings & disposal, legal affairs and on and on is overwhelming. Most of the time these decisions are made by the kids.