Things you wish you didn't say!

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WoodCy

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Feb 28, 2014
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Atkins, IA
One evening our neighbor friends and their kids were over for dinner. We had dinner and then my buddy's wife and my wife headed down to our office. My wife was help the neighbor with her resume. Our kids' play room is also in the basement. My buddy and I went downstairs to check on the ladies. When I got to the office the door was locked. I turned the knob and knocked and my wife opened the door. When I walked in the room in unconsciously blurted out, "Let's smell your fingers!" I have no clue where that came from. My wife scolded me, my buddy's wife glared at me and my friend literally collapsed to the floor laughing hysterically. The ladies had locked the door because the kids were being turd birds and kept coming in the room and interrupting them. We all chuckle about it now.
 

jmb

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One evening our neighbor friends and their kids were over for dinner. We had dinner and then my buddy's wife and my wife headed down to our office. My wife was help the neighbor with her resume. Our kids' play room is also in the basement. My buddy and I went downstairs to check on the ladies. When I got to the office the door was locked. I turned the knob and knocked and my wife opened the door. When I walked in the room in unconsciously blurted out, "Let's smell your fingers!" I have no clue where that came from. My wife scolded me, my buddy's wife glared at me and my friend literally collapsed to the floor laughing hysterically. The ladies had locked the door because the kids were being turd birds and kept coming in the room and interrupting them. We all chuckle about it now.
So....what did the sniff test prove?
 

khardbored

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Oct 20, 2012
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Can I tell one for someone else? --

Several years ago, we were at friends house: my wife & I, and my friend and his wife. Playing a trivia game, the married couples as teams. I'm reading a card, and I ask the other couple the question, which was something like, "How many toes does a gorilla have?" You only had like 5 seconds to answer, and they run out of time before giving an answer. I casually say, "the answer is '10' ... same as us humans, I guess."

My friend becomes confused and says "WHAT!?! I DON'T HAVE 10 TOES!!!"

We all kind of stare at him -- including his wife - and after about 4 seconds of awkward silence, the 3 of us burst out laughing. "What????" He insists, "Humans don't have 10 toes!!!" More uncontrollable laughing. When we catch our breath, finally, someone points to his toes and says something like "want to double check???"

Then he says "OH! ... nevermind, I was thinking of 'thumbs' ...". Then we're all laughing.

And no ... there was no alcohol involved!
 

Tri4Cy

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I like to think that the fact that we started saying whatever means that we are innocent and pure... but more likely, I'm just wildly un-self-aware.
f606f7509020d44294b76b947f40332871553d34e0d275cb276b34952c25d827_1.jpg
 

andybernard

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Oct 22, 2009
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In high school, my buddy's mom passed away. The day after the funeral, a group of friends took him out to eat and to a movie. Waiting in line for the movie tickets, without thinking at all (clearly), I made a "your mom" joke. He was very understanding, but the next few minutes of "umm..I mean...uh...I meant to say...I'm so sorry" made it a million times worse.
 

SouthJerseyCy

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I was a project manager at my new company explaining what a contingency plan is to non-project people. I told them it was our "hit by a bus" plan. You know, if Debbie leaves here today and gets hit by a bus, how does that effect our project? Can someone pick up her work, do we push dates, etc.

After the meeting one of the participants told me that Debbie had recently returned to work after a long rehab because she was...yes...hit by a bus.
 
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jmb

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In high school, my buddy's mom passed away. The day after the funeral, a group of friends took him out to eat and to a movie. Waiting in line for the movie tickets, without thinking at all (clearly), I made a "your mom" joke. He was very understanding, but the next few minutes of "umm..I mean...uh...I meant to say...I'm so sorry" made it a million times worse.
Ouch.

A year or two after graduating from high school a good friend of ours father passed. I went with a very good friend to the funeral. We were sitting towards the back of the sanctuary. When the family did the entrance procession, I said loud enough for me an the guy I was there with in my best Bob Ueker "Must be in the front row." My buddies immediate response was "total b.s. that they get the kick ass seats." We started chuckling and it got to be one of those situations where our giggling was shaking the pew because we couldn't get ourselves under control. It was mortifying, hilarious, and awful all at the same time... especially as folks started looking at us.
 
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Bipolarcy

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Oct 27, 2008
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I must have been in the fourth grade and the teacher called me up to the front of the classroom after I had been playing the class clown again and disrupting class. I was sort of a soft kid in grade school and wilted at any sign of trouble or in front of any authority, but I was trying to be a cool kid and act nonchalant like one of my classmates, who had slicked back hair and was just the coolest kid on the block. I was trying to emulate him when I stood in front of the teacher.

She asked me what I thought I was doing and I responded with a shrug, "just jacking off." I had no idea what that phrase meant at that age, but I could tell by the horrified look on her face that it wasn't what I thought it meant (which was something akin to messing around). It was only several years later that I came to realize what I had said and I'm still mortified I said that to a teacher in front of the whole class to this day.
 

oldman

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Nov 5, 2009
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I’ve never let my kids win at anything. When they do, they know they’ve earned it. I do kinda regret saying “Ha! You suck!” repeatedly though.
My dad never let me win either. We'd play a game of checkers every night. He won all the time. Then, one night I won. Next night go to get the checkerboard, and my dad makes some lame excuse about why he can't play that night. This went on for a couple days. Finally we play again, and Dad wins. I said, "I'm so happy you won Dad! Now you'll play me again."
 

andybernard

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Oct 22, 2009
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Ouch.

A year or two after graduating from high school a good friend of ours father passed. I went with a very good friend to the funeral. We were sitting towards the back of the sanctuary. When the family did the entrance procession, I said loud enough for me an the guy I was there with in my best Bob Ueker "Must be in the front row." My buddies immediate response was "total b.s. that they get the kick ass seats." We started chuckling and it got to be one of those situations where our giggling was shaking the pew because we couldn't get ourselves under control. It was mortifying, hilarious, and awful all at the same time... especially as folks started looking at us.

To add to your inappropriate comments at funerals story...

My father in law passed away a week ago today from complications from early onset Alzheimer's at the age of 62. His funeral was Tuesday. Their pastor has MS and struggles to walk with a cane. I mean like, very wobbly but almost has a rhythm. In the middle of Amazing Grace, he had to walk about 10 feet to grab something. I turned to my wife and whispered "I don't think it's appropriate for him to be dancing around like that at your dad's funeral." She was crying, which amplified her laughter. Luckily her mom and the rest of the family have the same sense of humor so it wasn't too hard to explain to them what we were laughing about when they asked later.
 

BCClone

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Not exactly sure.
Ouch.

A year or two after graduating from high school a good friend of ours father passed. I went with a very good friend to the funeral. We were sitting towards the back of the sanctuary. When the family did the entrance procession, I said loud enough for me an the guy I was there with in my best Bob Ueker "Must be in the front row." My buddies immediate response was "total b.s. that they get the kick ass seats." We started chuckling and it got to be one of those situations where our giggling was shaking the pew because we couldn't get ourselves under control. It was mortifying, hilarious, and awful all at the same time... especially as folks started looking at us.


Funerals are awkward all the way around many times. My mom passed in October. It is now down to one sister and myself (we aren't that old) as the final survivors of my parents and siblings. I don't like receiving lines so it was talk to who you want there, but for a bit my sister and I got put together in what could be assumed to be a line.


One individual comes through and says, "congratulations" while shaking my hand. I just assumed the awkwardness and such as her friend with her hits her and she realizes what she said. I understand that people are uncomfortable in those situations because many time you only know a family member or two. She quickly apologized, gave sympathies and moved on.
 

throwittoblythe

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Aug 7, 2006
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Minneapolis, MN
I grew up in small-town Iowa. Like many, there were very offensive phrases we used on a daily basis, but didn't actually know what they meant. And because it was 100% white, straight folks, no one was there to let you know how offensive things were.

Fast forward to my first job after college. I had this conversation with a coworker:

Me: "Hey Tim, where's Brian today?"
Tim: "I have no idea. How should I know?"
Me: "Well, you guys are butt buddies, so I figured you would know."
Tim: "WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!"

I had no idea what the term "butt buddies" implied. Literally none.
 

enisthemenace

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Dec 5, 2009
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Runnells, IA
My dad never let me win either. We'd play a game of checkers every night. He won all the time. Then, one night I won. Next night go to get the checkerboard, and my dad makes some lame excuse about why he can't play that night. This went on for a couple days. Finally we play again, and Dad wins. I said, "I'm so happy you won Dad! Now you'll play me again."

I grew up wrestling around with my old man. He’s a Vietnam vet (marines) and would just beat the crap out of me. I’m talking buring my head into the carpet, grabbing my wrist and jamming the top of his head into my armpit, twisting me into a pretzel, etc. One day...I finally got the best of him, and he developed a “little back issue”. We never wrestled again.
 

jmb

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I grew up in small-town Iowa. Like many, there were very offensive phrases we used on a daily basis, but didn't actually know what they meant. And because it was 100% white, straight folks, no one was there to let you know how offensive things were.

Fast forward to my first job after college. I had this conversation with a coworker:

Me: "Hey Tim, where's Brian today?"
Tim: "I have no idea. How should I know?"
Me: "Well, you guys are butt buddies, so I figured you would know."
Tim: "WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!"

I had no idea what the term "butt buddies" implied. Literally none.
That phrase is not nearly ambiguous. However; I get that you just use a phrase and don't think about it.

My wife's aunt who is now in her 80's had a dog that was a black. The dog's name was the "n bomb". No joke. When I was at a family thing many many years(decades) later they kept on talking about n-bomb the dog. I was stunned. Took me a bit to understand that they were not making reference to a human...which is maybe even more mortifying. None of them would ever be seen as racist. Crazy.
 
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throwittoblythe

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Aug 7, 2006
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That phrase is not nearly ambiguous. However; I get that you just use a phrase and don't think about it.

My wife's aunt who is now in her 80's had a dog that was a black. The dog's name was the "n bomb". No joke. When I was at a family thing many many years(decades) later they kept on talking about n-bomb the dog. I was stunned. Took me a bit to understand that they were not making reference to a human...which is maybe even more mortifying. None of them would ever be seen as racist. Crazy.

People in my hometown, to this day, still refer to african americans as "colored."
 

throwittoblythe

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Aug 7, 2006
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Minneapolis, MN
My wifes grandmother when trying to describe them whispers "black".

I'll never forget this moment early in my life:

My step-gpa was a life long Hawkeyes fan. He was in his 70s, so we're talking 60+ years of fandom. In the year Brad Banks was up for the Heisman against Carson Palmer, I will never forget hearing him say "I really hope the kid from USC wins the Heisman. I'd rather see a white kid not from Iowa win instead of some colored fella."

Racism was more important that cheering for his favorite team, apparently.
 

SCyclone

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Mar 11, 2014
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My life is one big, long string of starting to say something, realizing about halfway through that it potentially sounds weird/dirty/crazy but that I'm too far in to stop now without drawing further attention to it, so just completing the weird thing I was going to say.

I wish I was around you more.