Friday OT #1 - Open Mouth, Insert Foot

[ISUCubswin]

When I was a sophomore in college, my boss came up beside me and asked if I had a sec. I told him “I’ll give you all the secs you need.”

I had obviously meant I’d give him as much time as he needs to talk to me, but it came out way wrong. Fortunately, he played it cool and knew me well enough I didn’t get in trouble.

 

[cyclones500]

My wife snickers at least half a dozen times watching either basketball or football games because of phrases from the commentators that could be misconstrued. Mostly the back door or somebody is getting handsy type comments. My wife sometimes has a very juvenile and dirty mind, not that I'm complaining.

An ex-co-worker used to get a giggle when there was a basketball substitution, and the announcer said, "And he'll head to the bench for a blow."

 

[Tre4ISU]

Foot-In-Mouth Disease is rampant in my family.

When I was home from ISU one summer, a bunch of buddies and I were at a party in Mason City (one of our friends went to NIACC and was staying for the summer). Everyone there was from the same high school, except for us (it was a school within our conference, so everyone had played sports against each other). Me, my brother, and another buddy are standing outside when a guy approaches us. Conversation is as follows:

Guy: Where are you guys from?

Me: (Insert name of home town)

Guy: Cool. Weird question - who was the biggest skank in _________?

Me/friends: ( after some deliberating on the topic) Hannah Krause (not her actual name)

Guy: Why was she such a skank?

Me: I dunno; she screwed about anyone, had a train run on her by a bunch of sophomores when she was a senior. Eventually got knocked up by a guy from ____________ and he left her with the kid.

Guy: Oh, I'm from ___________ too. Do you know who it was?

Me: No clue. He must have been a real piece of **** to knock her up and leave her with the kid.

Guy: (pulls a knife out and raises his voice) I'M THAT PIECE OF ****. I know I set you guys up for it, but if you don't get the **** out of here, I'm going to cut you!

Us: <Staring blankly>

Guy: <waving knife> I'M SERIOUS! GET THE **** OUT OF HERE!

So we ran. Monday morning, we ran into Hannah Krause, as she was the clerk at the gas station where we get coffee. As we check out she goes "so, I heard you ran into my ex this weekend".

Between this and some of his other stories (the ass eating one) Al seldom disappoints when he's in these threads.

 

[Tre4ISU]

I think I may have a friend that's seen that same movie.

I know of this happening in real life.

 

[wxman1]

I know of this happening in real life.

You can't stop there...

 

[Tre4ISU]

You can't stop there...

I don't really have details. It just happened and somehow isn't well known.

 

[Al_4_State]

Between this ans some of his other stories (the ass eating one) Al seldom disappoints when he's in these threads.

I coulda been the Bert Kreischer of the Midwest if I had kept at it.

 

[CtownCyclone]

We are working on a project for a client that requires, among other things, a flow meter that is attached to the outside of the pipe and measures the flow ultrasonically. This has been referred to by just about everybody as a "strap-on" with a straight face.

During drawing checks, one of the drafters noticed that we didn't show the meter on the drawing. Her choice of words, "Where's my strap-on at?" made me almost lose it.

 

[jcyclonee]

I've posted this one before, but it's one in a long line of idiotic mistakes. Janny describes me as "innocent to an inappropriate degree" - I don't think about the negative connotations of things. Anyway:

So, we were going to Django for our anniversary with my best friend and her husband. These poor souls have seen me make an ass out of myself at dinner many a time. One time I pronounced jicama as "Juh-cah-muh." Another I asked the waitress what a caper tasted like (this was before I'd realized what they were, even though I'd had them before), and she said "salty bud," but I misheard her and asked, "Did you just say they taste like a 'salty butt'?" The point of that backstory is to explain that they realize that I can be a total fool.

Anyway. We walk in the front door, and they have a sandwich-style sign announcing that the featured dessert that night was a "chocolate hazelnut creme brulee." Janny is the cook in our house, so he explained to me as we walked in that it was code for Nutella creme brulee (I have a big ol' Nutella boner in general), but that they couldn't really say Nutella.

Alex, our waiter, is coming to take our order, and tells us the specials. He talks about the minced lamb entree, the garlic mushroom appetizer, and then he got to the desserts. It went sort of like this:

Alex: "And for dessert, we have a delicious chocolate hazelnut creme brulee."

Me, leaning in and half-whispering: "OH, is that with the N-word... that we're not supposed to say?"

Alex (his eyes huge): "...Uh... er..."

Janny and friends: [choke on their beers]

Me (realizing that I said something fairly terrible on accident, but not yet mathing out what, so struggling to make it better quickly): "You know, the one that rhymes with 'Schmutella'?"

That really didn't clear things up for poor Alex, so Janny jumped in and explained that he had told me it was a facsimile of Nutella. Alex kindly half-laughed and went on to describe the dessert as "airy and light." I figured I should just double-down and try and make it better with a joke, so I laughed and said, "Did you just say 'Aryan light'?"

Janny gave about a 30% tip that night.

Day officially made

 

[Nader_uggghhh]

In high school lunch line.

Me: My mouth hurts
Friend: What from?
Me: I burnt the **** out of my mouth eating pu***.

I meant pizza, obviously. We had a good laugh about that one.

 

[BirdOfWar]

Several years back I was e-mailing back and forth with a lady in payroll that I dealt with on a regular enough basis to notice that her last name had changed. Deciding to be friendly I e-mailed her with a question.

Me: I noticed your name changed did you get married?
Her: No, divorced.

I felt like an idiot for asking and apologized to her and she was nice enough about it saying it wasn't a big deal. I'm really happy this took place over e-mail instead of being in person.

 

[SuperTrooper]

I used the phrase "good enough for government work" unknowingly when talking to a government employee at work. He laughed.

 

[Boxerdaddy]

My ex is an esthetician and would talk about giving facials. I could barely keep a straight face when she'd say that. She honestly had no clue of the other connotation.

 

[cyhiphopp]

My wife snickers at least half a dozen times watching either basketball or football games because of phrases from the commentators that could be misconstrued. Mostly the back door or somebody is getting handsy type comments. My wife sometimes has a very juvenile and dirty mind, not that I'm complaining.

Yeah, my wife often says, "That's not a good enough reason to use the phrase "back door", or "plowed", or "rammed it home". She's such a prude

 

[oldman]

A co-worker was making phone calls at a previous job. He was returning a call from a woman named Deborah. He asks for Dee-BOR -Ah, like three times before someone on the other end figures out who he wants. BTW, his mother's name is Deborah.

 

[CyCloned]

Mine was at work too. Our controller Susan was this older very short woman, her husband was retired and I assumed she was 60-ish. She was wrinkly, best way I can describe.

It was her right-hand debt collector gals' bday, and she was turning 50. Tall woman, super nice, good looking. And as we were all talking, I asked Susan when she was planning to retire. She said, probably never and laughed a little. Clever me pressed the point, aren't you getting close? She says "I'm younger than Carol, I have a long ways to go!" Whoops.

At least I didn't say "really? Because you look like you could be her mom's older sister"

In my defense, he husband was in his early 60s, and she did look way older -- smoking and lots of sun aged the heck out of her.

I am now 60 and it amazes me how much difference there is in the appearance of the people my age, especially the gals. Some of them look 20 years older than they are.

 

[throwittoblythe]

Can't believe I didn't think of this sooner, my all-time favorite FIM story from a buddy...

He's in day 1 at his new company, so the boss takes him out for coffee. Now this buddy of mine is a farm boy, so he uses words like "thingy" "do-hickey" and "jobby." So they're at a Starbucks and their coffee is up. My buddy grabs one of the cardboard hand protector rings that go on the outside of the hot cup. He turns to his new boss and starts to say "Would you like a hand jobby?" However, he realizes mid sentence what he is saying, so he stops at "Would you like a hand job..."

The boss gave a very confused look and thankfully laughed it off.

 

[jcyclonee]

Has anybody else aver had this conversation when you're in a new relationship?

Me: "Hey Jane, do you want to go to dinner?"
Girlfriend: "My name's not Jane. I'm Sue."
Me: "I know that. Sorry."
Girlfriend: "Jane's your old girlfriend, isn't she?"
Me: "yes"
Girlfriend: "I think I'll pass on dinner."

*Note: The conversation was very real but the names have been changed

 

[cyhiphopp]

Can't believe I didn't think of this sooner, my all-time favorite FIM story from a buddy...

He's in day 1 at his new company, so the boss takes him out for coffee. Now this buddy of mine is a farm boy, so he uses words like "thingy" "do-hickey" and "jobby." So they're at a Starbucks and their coffee is up. My buddy grabs one of the cardboard hand protector rings that go on the outside of the hot cup. He turns to his new boss and starts to say "Would you like a hand jobby?" However, he realizes mid sentence what he is saying, so he stops at "Would you like a hand job..."

The boss gave a very confused look and thankfully laughed it off.

First day and already working on that promotion!

 

[jcyclonee]

First day and already working on that promotion!

I guess it's better than having to blow him away with his skills