OT: Advice (Long?)

[Cyclone62]

Ok people out there in CF-Land, I need some advice. Well, here goes:
Alright, me and my girlfriend of 3 years started taking time apart from each other about 3 months ago. At first I didn't understand why, but I realized that I had started to take her for granted, that she would always be there with me. So, even though we were broken-up, I started to show how much she does mean to me. I started these things about 3 months ago; sending her cards, a white rose with poems I'd written about her, stuff like that. It's not that I'm "desperate" to keep her, just that I truly love her; and wanted to show her that even though we weren't necessarily together. She told me at the start that she wanted to be able to get back together, back to the way things had used to be before I started taking her for granted. However, it was my intention to better myself for my own sake (I quit smoking and drinking because I wanted to, and this gave me my own reason to; not for someone else).

Recently, she said that she "knows" she wants to get back together; but that was almost three weeks ago. I've been getting conflicting opinions from people about what I should do. She's told me that I should do what I "want to, or feel that I should do." What I want to do, and feel like I should be doing are different things, though. I feel like I should just say "forget it," and that if she doesn't realize that I've become a better person for myself, and can be who I was earlier yet, than she never really will; and that I should just start seeing other women. However, that's not what I want to do; I want to be with her, (her friends are becoming jealous of the things I'm doing for her, and we're not even dating), that's why I feel like I maybe should just "move on," instead of "moving back."

Any advice from you guys? I'm at a total loss of what I should possibly do here.

 

[mike4cy]

If she isn't totally sure that she wants to be with you, then you don't want to be with her. That kind of a relationship is just bad news for everyone involved. But maybe give her some more time to think on things.

 

[htownclone]

If only Dalilah(sp?) was a CF... :rolleyes5cz:

 

[HILLCYD]

You're in college right? I say date as many chics as you can. You have the rest of your life to get into a serious relationship and get married, etc. When I was in school I had a long term GF and the situation sounds similar to what you are doing now. Eventually we broke up and I was able to really experience college like every red-blooded American boy should. Don't waste your college years with one girl. DO IT UP BRUTHA.

 

[JordanHXC]

wow....ummm....wow....no comment

 

[Cyclone62]

You're in college right? I say date as many chics as you can. You have the rest of your life to get into a serious relationship and get married, etc. When I was in school I had a long term GF and the situation sounds similar to what you are doing now. Eventually we broke up and I was able to really experience college like every red-blooded American boy should. Don't waste your college years with one girl. DO IT UP BRUTHA.

Well, I don't think I've missed out on the "college experience" at all. I've been able to do what most people would in college. I'm not the type of person who would sleep with someone that I didn't deeply care about, so "hooking-up" isn't something that I've ever been interested in.

 

[HILLCYD]

Well, I don't think I've missed out on the "college experience" at all. I've been able to do what most people would in college. I'm not the type of person who would sleep with someone that I didn't deeply care about, so "hooking-up" isn't something that I've ever been interested in.

I didn't really mean go out and bang as many chics as you can. I just know that long term GFs in college can end up being a drag. Less time with your buddies, jealousy, etc, etc...

 

[Cyclonesrule91]

Follow your heart because it is usually right more times then not. Sometimes your head uses too much logic, especially if we are talking about "Little Cyclone62"..:yes4lo:

 

[mike4cy]

Nothing wrong with not wanting to jump into that "college" experience. I have been with my fiance since 11th grade (now a senior at ISU) and I couldn't be happier.

 

[Cyclone62]

I didn't really mean go out and bang as many chics as you can. I just know that long term GFs in college can end up being a drag. Less time with your buddies, jealousy, etc, etc...

That's not the case though at all. We've basically let each other do what they've wanted to the entire time. If I wanted to go to the Nudie-bars, I can go; same for her. We've never infringed on being with our own friends.

 

[CTAClone]

I think Coach McDermott would post up inside. It would be beneficial to pound it inside against....wait wrong thread/forum. Where am I?

Play hard to get. Don't try and keep her, it will only drive her away.

 

[isumellie]

Well, I don't think I've missed out on the "college experience" at all. I've been able to do what most people would in college. I'm not the type of person who would sleep with someone that I didn't deeply care about, so "hooking-up" isn't something that I've ever been interested in.

I have also have had a great college experience so far, and high school for that matter, because I have been with the same wonderful woman since freshman year in high school and I am now a junior at ISU.

My opinion would be if you think that you would want to be with her and she just needs time for herself to feel the same than I would wait for her. This is only a short time of the rest of your life and there is no reason to rush the decision. Something that I think might fit here is "Good Things are Worth Waiting For."

Good Luck!

 

[amyk33]

I will not pretend to be a relationship expert, but here's my two cents.

I think it is great you care for this girl and have seen the err in your ways. I also think it's awesome that you are trying to better yourself--not for her, but for your own good.

I'm guessing that the girl is just a little conflicted. She probably knows she has a good thing, but perhaps wants to make sure. She could be going through a maybe the "grass is greener" phase. Her friends are probably advising her that she shouldn't trust you just yet b/c the new and improved Cyclone62 will probably go back to his old ways as soon as she accepts you back into her life.

You may need to just ride this one out. If you truly love her, then the wait will be worth it and only make you both stronger in the end. Be careful of moving on too soon b/c then she will feel she is justified for not trusting you. If this continues for more than six months you should maybe think of moving on.

Good luck!

 

[htownclone]

It would be beneficial to pound it inside.

awful...simply awful :laugh8kb:

 

[URBCLONE]

I think Coach McDermott would post up inside. It would be beneficial to pound it inside against....wait wrong thread/forum. Where am I?

Play hard to get. Don't try and keep her, it will only drive her away.

Surest way to get her back; drop some subtle hints you are seeing someone else.

 

[Cyclone62]

You may need to just ride this one out. If you truly love her, then the wait will be worth it and only make you both stronger in the end. Be careful of moving on too soon b/c then she will feel she is justified for not trusting you. If this continues for more than six months you should maybe think of moving on.

This reminds me amyk. Something I forgot to mention; she also recently told me that she wants me to pretend that the decisions I make still would effect us (as in a couple), but to "date other people" if I felt that I needed to. I really see no way that I could be able to base my decisions to do what I would want to, and still act like I'm in a relationship doing what I feel I should be doing at the same time. For example, when I went to study with some girl friends from class; she got upset because I didn't tell her that she wouldn't be able to reach me, making her worry. She felt at that point, that I wasn't showing a total committment at the time. Some poeple have told me that if I truly love her, that I would have let her know anyway instead of just doing that; others, that she's being unreasonable with that kind of a request at this point.

 

[cytheguy]

I was in your shoes about 8 years ago and know what you’re going through. She broke up with me after two years and I started to blame myself for it by saying things like I took her for granted, etc. You can't do that, man. I then did similar things as you did like give her flowers, cards, etc. Basically tried to win her back by smothering her. Unfortunately, as I learned, it almost never works. She needs time to miss you, and constantly putting pressure on her to jump back into the relationship doesn’t help. My best advice, as hard as it is, is to let her go right now. Go out and have fun. Meet new people. Go out on dates. Start working out. Stick to your plan of quitting smoking and cutting down on drinking. Do things to better your future. But do it for YOU, not her. Doing stuff like that will make her want you back, not smothering her. And who knows, chances are when that day comes you won’t want her back.

Funny thing is, I thought I wanted my girlfriend back so bad at the time. But then I started doing the things I mentioned above like doing my own thing, going out, etc. And when my ex finally came around and wanted me back because she knew I was doing just fine without her, I had already met someone else who was perfect for me. We’ve been together since. Happily married too.

Hang in there, and good luck.

 

[cycloneworld]

Cyclone62...I have been in almost this exact same situation. I was 1 year removed from ISU while my girlfriend of 3+ years was a senior. Everything was going great and then BAM...she breaks out the "you take me for granted, we need a break" talk. I didn't see it coming and it hurt.

My advice:
Make sure this is actually the reason for the "break". Girls like to use this as an excuse for something else...the "I need a break" excuse is just an easy way for them to let you down easier. In my case, it wasn't because she really needed a break...however, in certain cases breaks can actually work...don't get me wrong. But I'd just make sure the true reasons she asked for the break.

Don't let her drag you on. No one deserves that. I'm glad you are bettering yourself. Just make sure that you are doing it for the right reason, and not just to get your gf "back".

It's easy to say now but it's not the end of the world if you don't get back together with her. It will hurt for awhile, but there are other people out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

My girlfriend and I never ended up getting back together after this "break" and it couldn't have worked out better for me. Sure I was hurt for awhile but I learned so much from that relationship and now have found someone that treats me great and I know how to better recipricate those feelings.

Sorry for the long-winded response, but I kinda know what you are going through (even though I've never met you).

 

[HILLCYD]

Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?
Rob: You don't call.
Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.
Rob: Right.
Mike: So I don't call either way?
Rob: Right.
Mike: So what's the difference?
Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?
Rob: Right.
Mike: Well that sucks.
Rob: Yeah, it sucks.
Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?
Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.
Mike: What do you mean?
Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.
Mike: Well what if she comes back first?
Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.
Mike: There's the rub.
Rob: There's the rub.

 

[amyk33]

she also recently told me that she wants me to pretend that the decisions I make still would effect us (as in a couple), but to "date other people" if I felt that I needed to. I really see no way that I could be able to base my decisions to do what I would want to, and still act like I'm in a relationship doing what I feel I should be doing at the same time.

Yeah, this is a fairly common girl thing. It's really a bait and switch. She's testing you to see your interest in other girls. B/c if you flinch, then she will take that as you not truly be as into it as she is. My judgment would be that this is immature and would agree with the unreasonable aspects, however, the girl needs to be cut a little bit of slack. Again, she's more than likely talking to all of her friends about this situation and is confused as to what path to take.

I'm not exactly the "every girl" kind of girl. These tactics don't make sense to me, but somewhere in my deepest resevoir as a female it oddly makes sense.

You have to consider what you want and base your decisions around that. If you want to be in a relationship with her, then make your decisions accordingly--not because she has asked you to do so, but because you want to.