Why do victims of abuse go back to the abuse?

[EddieISU]

Trying to figure this one out. I have a female friend that is 24, she had been seeing a guy that was 34. He hit her and shoved her numerous times. I also need to note that I work with her and after the Iowa/Iowa State game, this jerk got into a fight with a bunch of her friends in Cedar Rapids. She called me crying and I went and picked her up. I told her she didn't deserve someone like that in her life. So she was staying with me the last week and a half and then went back to him. She said she was doing it for herself. How else can I try to help her see the light of day?? Any advice, I'm open too.Thanks!!

 

[joefrog]

You can't give anybody relationship advice. It just doesn't work. You tell them to leave, no matter what the reasons or how much sense it makes, you just end up pushing them closer to the person they are seeing.

In this case, was there abuse in her family growing up? If they saw abuse growing up, they think that is the way a relationship should be. It is a very frustrating situation. Men saw their Dad's be abusive, so they think they should be. Women see their Mother's treated badly, so that is the sort of attention they need. It is a horrible cycle, that makes absolutely no sense to me, but it is very real and continues today.

I don't know what to tell you. It doesn't seem that you can reason with your friend. You may need to be in a situation where you confront the guy in front of her, and show her what sort of guy he is. Of course you do risk personal injury this way. There is also the problem that some people you just cannot help, no matter how much they need it.

 

[snowcraig2.0]

The problem isn't with the relationship, it's with her. For some reason, something happened in her life that makes her think she is supposed to be treated like this. Until you figure out what that thing is and deal with it, it really doesn't matter if she gets out of this relationship, because she will seek out a similar situation eventually. She really needs to go see a counselor. PM me if you want some recommendations.

 

[EddieISU]

She is told me that her parents had a terrible divorce. I didn't ask anymore about it. She was on the phone her mother last week, telling her and the abuser had broke up. Though she told me that she had never told her mom what happened. I kept preaching to her that the truth shall set you free- him and her. But this guy is an alcoholic too. She told me this guy would go on 24 hour binges. She is a sweet heart and it just bugs me to know end that she went back to him.

 

[EddieISU]

By the way, when she told me she was going back with him. I said to her that you need to talk to someone and get help. She totally made excuses for this guy, saying he's a good guy, just has a drinking problem.

 

[joefrog]

By the way, when she told me she was going back with him. I said to her that you need to talk to someone and get help. She totally made excuses for this guy, saying he's a good guy, just has a drinking problem.

You can rationalize anything in life by the use of excuses. It never ends, until you wake up and realize what is going on. If the guy is a ***** when he is drunk, then he is probably one when he is sober too. You gotta play dirty with your friend. Ask her if she is proud of the guy, or better yet herself, for seeing him. Ask her if this is the sort of relationship that she really wants to be in, or if this is how she deserves to be treated, does she treat people this way? Until she realizes she deserves better, nothing will change.

 

[EddieISU]

Thanks JoeFrog, I guess she has to hit rock bottom on her own, and that's sad to me, but also very real.

 

[dinger]

I've have been trying to figure this out for a few years as well. Some women seem to just enjoy being treated like crap, whehter its physical or emotional or whatever. The saying "nice guys finish last" has been around for ages and I guess it still proves true.

 

[San Francisco Cy]

Here's the sad truth, Eddie. This girl, for whatever reason, seeks out unstable (to put it gently) relationships. And sometimes they feel safest, or maybe I should say more comfortable, in these types of relationships. But, they HAVE to be in a relationship of some sort. The best advice for her would be to move out, get a place of her own (cuz I'm guessing she's never done that) and start a new independent life. But, she won't do that. If she does actually leave him, it will be to move in with another similar guy to start a similar dysfunctional relationship. It's sad knowing that you really can't do anything to help her. But, you can't...

 

[MontyBurns]

She totally made excuses for this guy, saying he's a good guy, just has a drinking problem.

Yep, he treated her real well right up until the time he killed her.

You see this over and over. I have never understood it. She deserves to be 'supported', 'rescued', whatever you want to call it once. If she goes back to someone who beats her knowing that he will do it again then she and she alone is responsible for putting herself back in that situation.

 

[snowcraig2.0]

Yep, he treated her real well right up until the time he killed her.

You see this over and over. I have never understood it. She deserves to be 'supported', 'rescued', whatever you want to call it once. If she goes back to someone who beats her knowing that he will do it again then she and she alone is responsible for putting herself back in that situation.

Are you freakin kidding me? Please do not listen to this waste of air. There may be a point where you have to walk away, but everyone deserves to be helped more than once, many times in fact.

Help your friend all you can. The best you can do is be there for her, and encourage her to get some help. If you can get her to feel better about herself, she will dump this loser immediately.

 

[isucyfan]

Yep, he treated her real well right up until the time he killed her.

You see this over and over. I have never understood it. She deserves to be 'supported', 'rescued', whatever you want to call it once. If she goes back to someone who beats her knowing that he will do it again then she and she alone is responsible for putting herself back in that situation.

That's so extremely short-sighted, it's offensive.

I would doggedly point this woman to the nearest domestic violence shelter each and every time I saw her, and maybe more. Only she can decide to help herself, but there needs to be people who care trying to get her to realize that she can be strong and get help.

 

[MontyBurns]

I know a couple of police officers who see this situation all the time. Called to a house or apartment by the victim or by neighbors. Woman is crying, he hit me, he threatened me, I'm terrified of him, etc. Oh, do you want to press charges against him? Of course not, she loves him, he'll never do it again, etc. Believe me, they've seen it so much that if the woman won't help herself, they don't give a damn. And it's hard to blame them.

 

[dinger]

Yep, he treated her real well right up until the time he killed her.

You see this over and over. I have never understood it. She deserves to be 'supported', 'rescued', whatever you want to call it once. If she goes back to someone who beats her knowing that he will do it again then she and she alone is responsible for putting herself back in that situation.

you are angry today? first you want to fire chizik and now you want this poor girl to die. :no:

maybe youre a fusker fan.:biglaugh:

 

[Tornado man]

I know a couple of police officers who see this situation all the time. Called to a house or apartment by the victim or by neighbors. Woman is crying, he hit me, he threatened me, I'm terrified of him, etc. Oh, do you want to press charges against him? Of course not, she loves him, he'll never do it again, etc. Believe me, they've seen it so much that if the woman won't help herself, they don't give a damn. And it's hard to blame them.

I know a couple of police officers who, in fact, treat their wives like crap. I don't think they like women. If these two officers respond to a domestic abuse situation, I doubt they "would give a damn" about the woman either.

 

[keepngoal]

usually low self esteem... usually caused BY the perp.

-keep

 

[chadm]

usually low self esteem... usually caused BY the perp.

-keep

IMO the perp adds to an already low self-esteem.

 

[keepngoal]

IMO the perp adds to an already low self-esteem.

that is true too... btw: are you referring to your golf game?

-keep.

 

[EddieISU]

Just so guys know this worthless piece of**** got arrested in May and she had a restraining order on him, but she didn't press charges. She's so weak, but everything I did was to empower herself. The day we got back from Cedar Rapids, she went over to get some stuff. I wanted to go with her but that was something she had to do for herself. She did, but of course when she was staying with me, she looked at every text message, every guilt plea that guy had to tell her and it finally worked out I guess.

 

[chadm]

that is true too... btw: are you referring to your golf game?

-keep.

wrong thread for the golf game.

I am talking from the perspective of the girls I helped raise.