Friday OT #2 - Sooooo close

[Angie]

@CtownCyclone thought that one of our ideas a week or two was about this, but wasn't - but I like the idea, so now it's a thing.

What are things that you have done/said that you thought you gotten away with (primarily with your spouse, but could be others)... only to find out spectacularly that you had not?

 

[coolerifyoudid]

One time, my wife told her mother that she thought pigs were cute. This triggered my MIL to buy us pig-related gifts for years (pillows, little knick-knacks, salt and pepper shakers, etc). Growing up on a farm, pigs were only cute for me if they were already in pork chop or bacon form.

I went along with it at first, but after a number of years, I grew tired of accumulating tacky crap that we never used. Plus I hated seeing her waste money on the stuff. Over time, my acceptance of these gifts got less and less cordial, which, of course, made it even funnier for my MIL to double down on the pig gifts.

My wife never wanted to get rid of them because her mom gave them to her. Plus she's a bit of a pack-rat. After awhile, I would covertly throw away or donate these gifts just to get them out of the house. My wife never noticed.

However, my nemesis was this one gawd awfully ugly pillow that had pigs on it having a picnic. I'd move it, hoping she'd forget about it, but then she'd eventually ask where it was. The process repeated for awhile. One time, I hid it under a bed and she didn't ask about it for several months. I thought I was in the clear. The next trash day, while my wife was in the shower, I scurried downstairs, grabbed the pillow and ran it out to the trash bin.

That damn pillow was finally gone!

My daughter picks that day of all days to be helpful and take the trash from her room out to the garage. She comes walking back in with that ugly ass pillow dragging behind her right as my wife comes walking down the stairs. Dead silence. The only thing that moved was my wife's eyes as they slowly moved from the pillow to my frozen form. The scene unfolded like an old fashioned gunfight, except I was blindfolded, unarmed and paralyzed.

Needless to say, the pillow is still in our house. I keep hoping it will accidentally get destroyed so I can throw it out. But it's so ugly even my cats won't scratch it up or throw up on it.

 

[Clonefan32]

This is kind of on-topic, but as a parent now I wonder how much of the stuff I think I was hiding as a high schooler my parents saw right through.

I mean, I'm pretty sure they know what a hangover looks like, and that the many trips I'd make upstairs from my room in the basement when my girlfriend was over for a drink of water were undoubtedly not because I was thirsty, and would always seem to stop after they went to bed.

 

[CtownCyclone]

I don't have many good ones (yet), at least as it pertains to my wife. Probably the biggest thing was that when her mother was in town (she'd come from the Great White North for the entire months of December and January) a few years back. Our house was not big enough to escape, especially being open-concept. So I'd retreat to the garage, ostensibly to work on various projects in the evenings. In reality, I'd go to work on a few beers and stream some TV. I thought she was none-the-wiser, until after her mom left, and she chewed me out for ignoring them both to go drink beers in the garage for two months.

Now I do know of a lawyer in town who was an old-money, holier-than-thou type with a similarly old-money, holier-than-thou wife. This guy happened to have a sweet young thing on the side that he put up in an apartment in close proximity to his office. In order to cut some costs, he went through his house and picked up a bunch of old linens and towels that they hadn't used in a long time. Midway through this activity, his wife walked in on him and asked what he was up to. Thinking on his feet, he said that his law firm was participating in some charity drive for the less fortunate, and that these items were for that effort. Unbeknownst to him, she (in the spirit of charity) went to the store and bought a large amount of other items that the poverty-stricken would appreciate. She then took them to his law firm, where she found out that there was, in fact, no such drive going on.

 

[Angie]

This is kind of on-topic, but as a parent now I wonder how much of the stuff I think I was hiding as a high schooler my parents saw right through.

I mean, I'm pretty sure they know what a hangover looks like, and that the many trips I'd make upstairs from my room in the basement when my girlfriend was over for a drink of water were undoubtedly not because I was thirsty, and would always seem to stop after they went to bed.

Our oldest is only 6, but she's a master at trying to sneak around not eating certain foods, or to hit her little brother without us noticing. We've flat-out told her that we are both eldest children who were picky eaters as children, so she's really going to have to up her game to be able to do this effectively. Thus far, she has not risen to the challenge.

 

[MeanDean]

Needless to say, the pillow is still in our house. I keep hoping it will accidentally get destroyed so I can throw it out. But it's so ugly even my cats won't scratch it up or throw up on it.

You need to find a pillow cover slightly larger than the pillow. Even if you have to have one made. Slip the piggy picnic offending pillow into the new cover. When she asks, show her where her mom's pillow is. Maybe she'll let you keep the cover on it as long as the actual pillow itself is not harmed.

 

[runbikeswim]

My wife never wanted to get rid of them because her mom gave them to her. Plus she's a bit of a pack-rat. After awhile, I would covertly throw away or donate these gifts just to get them out of the house. My wife never noticed.

My Father-In-Law advised me of this strategy! He told me to wait until she put it in a box in the basement.

Fortunately, my wife doesn't get too much into chotchkes but shoes, old clothes, scrapbooking supplies, and kitchen items....lord help me....

I cringe every time I think about what my house is going to look like when my MIA dies....

 

[coolerifyoudid]

You need to find a pillow cover slightly larger than the pillow. Even if you have to have one made. Slip the piggy picnic offending pillow into the new cover. When she asks, show her where her mom's pillow is. Maybe she'll let you keep the cover on it as long as the actual pillow itself is not harmed.

So you're saying I should light the pillow on fire?

Got it.

 

[CtownCyclone]

So you're saying I should light the pillow on fire?

Got it.

Make it look like an accident. Like, "Hey, I was cooking with grease, it got too hot, a fire started, and the only thing I could put it out with was that pillow."

 

[CycloneErik]

I was with a Colonel in the Wyoming National Guard for his last visit to the field. Apparently, it's the custom to stop at a bar, so we did.

The other officer and I were enjoying our 7-Ups while the COL spent the whole evening talking to the young waitress at the bar while the color faded away from his face.
I asked what was going on. The other officer had known this guy for decades and said "look at their faces.....see anything similar?"

My jaw dropped. This bartender gave the old colonel her phone and dialed her mom. Turned out that this guy and the mom shacked up for an Annual Training at that post 20 years ago, and she never told him about the daughter. I don't think her husband knew, either.

He wasn't quite as jovial on the way out of the bar.

 

[CtownCyclone]

OK, I got another one, this one on one of my best friend's (call him Paul) dad. This guy (call him Steve) really likes Corvettes. A restaurant near our town had a car showroom as part of the establishment, with one of those being a like-new, triple-digit-odometer-reading 40th Anniversary convertible Corvette. Steve was quite envious, but Mrs. Steve had told him, in no uncertain terms, that it was not to be his.

Well, the restaurant had to close its doors while we were freshmen in high school, and the owner knew that Steve really wanted that car. So Steve and the owner made a deal for the car while Mrs. Steve and Paul were in Ames for some reason. Steve took Paul's younger brother, Bobby (would have been probably in 6th grade or so) with him to get the car. On the way back to the house, they stopped off to get gas. Who pulled up on the other side of the pumps, but Mrs. Steve, back home early! He might have been able to hide from her, but Bobby was so excited, he burst out of the car, ran to his mother, and exclaimed, "Look what Dad got!!!"

I'm not sure exactly where Steve would have hidden the car from Mrs. Steve, but he evidently had a plan. And yes, they are still married, yes he got to keep the car, and yes, she let him upgrade this past January.

 

[coolerifyoudid]

I was with a Colonel in the Wyoming National Guard for his last visit to the field. Apparently, it's the custom to stop at a bar, so we did.

The other officer and I were enjoying our 7-Ups while the COL spent the whole evening talking to the young waitress at the bar while the color faded away from his face.
I asked what was going on. The other officer had known this guy for decades and said "look at their faces.....see anything similar?"

My jaw dropped. This bartender gave the old colonel her phone and dialed her mom. Turned out that this guy and the mom shacked up for an Annual Training at that post 20 years ago, and she never told him about the daughter. I don't think her husband knew, either.

He wasn't quite as jovial on the way out of the bar.

OK, I got another one, this one on one of my best friend's (call him Paul) dad. This guy (call him Steve) really likes Corvettes. A restaurant near our town had a car showroom as part of the establishment, with one of those being a like-new, triple-digit-odometer-reading 40th Anniversary convertible Corvette. Steve was quite envious, but Mrs. Steve had told him, in no uncertain terms, that it was not to be his.

Well, the restaurant had to close its doors while we were freshmen in high school, and the owner knew that Steve really wanted that car. So Steve and the owner made a deal for the car while Mrs. Steve and Paul were in Ames for some reason. Steve took Paul's younger brother, Bobby (would have been probably in 6th grade or so) with him to get the car. On the way back to the house, they stopped off to get gas. Who pulled up on the other side of the pumps, but Mrs. Steve, back home early! He might have been able to hide from her, but Bobby was so excited, he burst out of the car, ran to his mother, and exclaimed, "Look what Dad got!!!"

I'm not sure exactly where Steve would have hidden the car from Mrs. Steve, but he evidently had a plan. And yes, they are still married, yes he got to keep the car, and yes, she let him upgrade this past January.

I feel like I brought a pair of twos to the table while you guys were sitting on royal flushes.

 

[cyhiphopp]

So you're saying I should light the pillow on fire?

Got it.

Just wait until you are drinking red wine or something that can stain. Sit next to the pillow and, "Ooops!" Or if you have kids, let them be the patsy. Bribe them to drop their chocolate bar on it or something.

 

[CtownCyclone]

I feel like I brought a pair of twos to the table while you guys were sitting on royal flushes.

File those under "Learning From the Mistakes of Others."

 

[Al_4_State]

I was with a Colonel in the Wyoming National Guard for his last visit to the field. Apparently, it's the custom to stop at a bar, so we did.

The other officer and I were enjoying our 7-Ups while the COL spent the whole evening talking to the young waitress at the bar while the color faded away from his face.
I asked what was going on. The other officer had known this guy for decades and said "look at their faces.....see anything similar?"

My jaw dropped. This bartender gave the old colonel her phone and dialed her mom. Turned out that this guy and the mom shacked up for an Annual Training at that post 20 years ago, and she never told him about the daughter. I don't think her husband knew, either.

He wasn't quite as jovial on the way out of the bar.

That wins.