DISCLAIMER: This story is a joke. Literally. These emails are not real. Enjoy anyway!
It’s not every day that a host of ESPN’s College Gameday sends you an email asking for advice on what to do during his upcoming trip to Ames, but that’s what happened Monday morning. Much to the shock of the co-hosts of Cyclone Fanatic‘s Stanz & Fitz podcast, an email inquiry from one Kirk Herbstreit popped up in their inbox, wondering what he should do while in town for the Cy-Hawk game.
The following is a totally real, 100% not made up email conversation that took place between Herbstreit and Stanz & Fitz.
Dear Jared and Kevin,
Hey guys this is Kirk Herbstreit. You may have heard of me before – I’m one of the hosts of ESPN’s College Gameday.
Anyway, things were set up nicely for us to go to Syracuse this coming weekend until Maryland turned the Orange into orange juice on Saturday. Despite my best efforts to lobby for other locations during commercial breaks of the LSU-Texas game, other people at ESPN decided we’d be heading to Ames for the Cy-Hawk game. Ugh.
I was told you two would be able to fill me in on what to do and expect during my reluctant trip to central Iowa. All I know is the potatoes are supposed to be good.
Please get back to me as soon as you can.
P.S.- Don’t search my name and Matt Campbell on Twitter. It would be a waste of time. Trust me.
We can feel your enthusiasm through the keyboard and would be honored to help you plan out your time in Ames. Actually, Ames is in Iowa and not Idaho, so unfortunately you won’t have any potatoes to look forward to during your time in town unless you hit up Wheatsfield at the recommendation of Cyclone Fanatic staff writer Rob Gray…
What time will you be arriving and leaving town? Let us know and that will better help us lay out an itinerary for your visit.
Jared and Kevin
P.S.- We know.
I plan on flying in late Thursday afternoon and will depart immediately following the taping of Gameday Saturday morning.
Bummer about the potatoes…
Your arrival in Ames truly could not come at a better time as you’ll have the opportunity to embrace one of Iowa State’s greatest traditions — a Mug Night on Welch Avenue. Now, you might be wondering what Mug Night is since you were surely much more focused on playing quarterback for the Buckeyes during your college years than you were on partying, but trust us. Mug Night delivers.
We suggest you start your night at Sips and Paddy’s to get the juices flowing and down maybe your first two or three huge mugs of whatever mixed drink you choose. Don’t worry, that stomachache you’ll get about halfway through the second one starts to go away once you hit mug No. 4 or 5.
Once you’ve had enough of getting down on the Sips dancefloor, we suggest you make your way down the street to AJ’s Ultra Lounge. Start asking around for a guy named Ben and he’ll hook you up with a spot in the VIP area. That would probably be the best route for you in order to avoid any drunk college kids who want to remind you of the time when you continually told us Matt Campbell would be gone after the 2017 season.
We Iowa Staters might forget a few of our nights on Welch, but we never forget when a national media member takes jabs at us. Ever. We forgive you now, but, seriously, we don’t forget so don’t do that again.
Once the lights come up and closing time hits, your next move will be to stand in a ridiculously long line to get what is called a SuperDog. Don’t ask us, we don’t really know everything that is on it, but does it really matter after you’ve drank your body weight in whiskey-coke?
Just make sure and avoid the sorority girl who looks like she drank twice her body weight during her Thursday night on the town. It would be a shame to see one of your high-priced suits that we assume you wear at every second of every day ruined by projectile vomiting (unless you bring up Matt Campbell leaving again, but we promise we really aren’t mad about that anymore, especially since he’s still, in fact, our head coach).
Hope that helps you get a solid start to your trip!
Stanz & Fitz
I’m not sure spending a Thursday night at a bunch of college bars would really be the best move for a 50-year old college football player/icon. Sounds like something that probably would not end well…
We completely understand your animosity, but there really aren’t many conceivable ways a night on Welch could go wrong. I mean, there was this one time a couple years ago when a former athlete was back in Ames and… Actually, we won’t get into that.
You reached out to us for a reason, Mr. Herbstreit. We know what we’re talking about and for that reason you need to trust us. Nights on Welch very, very rarely go wrong, especially since VEISHEA was canceled in 2014 (trust us again and don’t Google the reason why).
Once you wake up Friday morning with a hangover from hell and a hunger like no other, we suggest taking in some quality greasy eats at The Grove Cafe on Main Street. That will have you feeling better well before any obligations you might have in order to prepare for Saturday morning’s show.
We will warn you though, you’ll need to block out a considerable amount of time for both getting to The Grove and wherever you have to go next. The traffic in Ames, especially near South Duff and Lincoln Way, is horrible once the students get back into town, but we guess that’s just how it goes when a town nearly doubles in population during the school year.
Stanz & Fitz
P.S. If there’s a train parked on your route to Main Street, you might as well just call an audible and go somewhere else unless you want to sit and wait for what seems like an eternity. Coach Campbell, who is still the head coach at Iowa State we might add, likely has some traffic audibles he can dial up for you thanks to 3+ consecutive years of experience driving in town due to Ames being his place of employment.
I am really starting to wonder why I reached out to you guys… I sent an email to a guy named Chris Williams who looked to be a little closer to my age and, well, I think he could have steered me in a better direction. He at least probably would have had more concern for my busy Friday schedule of meetings that last until the evening hours.
Thanks for the advice though, fellas.
Wow, Kirk. Just wow.
As much as we love Chris, do you really want to spend your time in Ames slamming Busch Lights at country bars? Wait, that actually sounds kind of awesome. You should add Outlaws to your Thursday itinerary as well, but that’s beside the point.
You’re right about the managing a busy schedule point though, we don’t know anybody busier than Chris with his two jobs and two daughters, one of which is only a few weeks old. We can’t fault you for having some second thoughts when it comes to that, but we are in too deep here with our advice so you might as well just adhere to it.
One option you could do in the evening is to hit up Wallaby’s, which is where Matt Campbell likes to bring recruits while they are on recruiting visits at Iowa State University, where Matt Campbell is currently the head football coach ;).
If you really want to get on Cyclone fans’ good side though, Friday evening is perfect because folks from all over the state will start rolling into town and parking their RVs near Hilton Coliseum, and that would be the perfect chance for you to get your first true experience with the non-student portion of Cyclone Nation.
This will also give you another chance to drink way too many cheap beers with some serious salt of the Earth human beings. They’ll surely want to tell you about how Troy Davis should have won the Heisman, Seneca was in, Marchie Murdock scored a touchdown on the last play against Oklahoma State and many more aggravating tales of Cyclone lore, but, if you want to maintain any level of an approval rating, you will agree with them on the spot.
If they try to hand you a bottle of Fireball, do not agree with them. Seriously, don’t do it or else you’ll put yourself in danger of waking up in the middle of the grass student lots with stuff drawn on your face rather than in your plushy ESPN supplied hotel.
If you do all of these things, you will have sufficiently patched up any of the wounds that remain from your anti-Iowa State Twitter diatribe that I swear we really, seriously are not mad about anymore.
Stanz & Fitz
Will you guys please stop emailing me? These have all been horrible suggestions. This is exactly why I was looking forward to a weekend in Syracuse, where I surely could have found some better advice than this.
Please, lose my email address.
Good grief Kirk… We haven’t even gotten to the actual morning you’ll be hosting Gameday yet. Please sit tight for one moment and listen to us or on Saturday you’ll be on the outside looking in, much like Ohio State during the past two years of the College Football Playoff.
Anyway, after two days of consuming copious amounts of alcohol in a row, you’re going to wake up on Saturday feeling super dehydrated. Be sure to drink a ton of water (Hooray for Ames!) before heading to the Gameday set.
Now, naturally, drinking that much water in such a short amount of time will almost guarantee you’re going to have to use the restroom before the second hour of Gameday. Your SuperDog will likely also be “knocking on the door” by then, if it hasn’t already. Our advice is if you need to use the restroom, use the Sukup Endzone Club or Jacobson Building, because they have the most comfortable bathrooms at the stadium to get the job done. Speaking of getting the job done, Matt Campbell (Iowa State’s current head coach) has reiterated on multiple occasions his intent is to stay in Ames until he gets the job done. There’s a fun fact you can add during the Gameday broadcast or even tweet out over the next few days before you get in town!
Last thing from us, how does it feel to be wrong about Matt Campbell leaving Iowa State? Okay, yeah, maybe we are still a little annoyed about that.
Have fun in Ames!
Stanz & Fitz