Men's Sports

FITZY: Kirk Herbstreit is a Russian spy, and I have proof

Hey there. This article is satire – which means it isn’t real. But I hope you enjoy it anyway!


 

We’ve been compromised. I’m about to tell you why our greatest fear has been confirmed.

Since Saturday’s college football game between the Texas Tech Red Raiders and Iowa State Cyclones ended, I’ve been working tirelessly around the clock investigating the motives of one Kirk Edward Herbstreit. His public attempts to sabotage the Iowa State football program – as well as the United States of America – have warranted such action.

For those of you who have been dwelling under a solid mineral material forming part of the surface of the earth, prior to the conclusion of the aforementioned battle on the gridiron, Mr. Herbstreit cried out to collegiate athletic directors across the country in an attempt to “save them their coaching search firm fee” by directing them to Ames, Iowa. Home of Matthew Allen Campbell, first of his name, protector of the Cyclone realm.

To those with an untrained eye unlike myself, this may have seemed complimentary. But I knew not to drink from the forbidden blonde-haired, blue-eyed Koolaid pitcher. Mere hours later, Herbstreit showed his true colors responding to Iowa media members politely asking him to shut his pie hole about Campbell, one of the best young coaches in the nation.

Such a blatant assault against the collective Iowa State psyche had not been seen since the great Hoiberg conflict of the early 21st century.

Disrespect of this magnitude could not stand. I wouldn’t let it. That’s why I became determined to prove why Kirk Herbstreit and his reckless takes are not to be trusted. The result has led me to a shocking conclusion.

Let’s begin from the start.

1969

Kirk Herbstreit was born on August 19, 1969. A “nice” date, seemingly. Though what remained hidden, UNTIL NOW, is why the timing of Herbstreit’s birth stained his very soul from the moment he entered this world.

Herbstreit developed a sense of hyper-awareness while still in the womb. He counted down the days until he would first see the light and breathe his first breath. He believed his entrance would be trumpeted to the high heavens and he would be exalted by the common man.

Unfortunately, when he finally emerged on August 19, Herbstreit wasn’t met with anywhere near the celebration he expected. Instead, people across the United States were still lauding the crew of the Apollo 11 for becoming the first manned mission to land on the moon not a month earlier. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin stole all of the public delight that Herbstreit himself had come to covet.

Upon learning of this distraction, Herbstreit became enraged. He immediately pledged his allegiance to the Soviet space program and secretly began training to become a cosmonaut. Anything he could do to help Russia take away the spotlight from those wretched American spotlight-stealers became his goal.

1992

1991 saw the dissolution of the Soviet space program. Herbstreit was devastated, as he had quickly risen up and achieved the highest internal rank possible while simultaneously enrolling at Ohio State University on a football scholarship.

The football sideshow was obviously intended to be a cover while Herbstreit continued to scheme against NASA and the United States, but he was suddenly left with nothing to do except play the silly American sport that he had only given an ounce of his focus to during the first three years of his time at Ohio State.

At first, Herbstreit saw this as a chance at capturing the glory that had evaded him during his birth. Playing quarterback at one of the premier college football programs in the nation was a chance for him to excel and be adored by one of the largest fan bases in America.

Of course, things didn’t go according to plan. People across the nation were once again distracted by notable historic events, including the grand opening of the Mall of America and the launch of the esteemed cable channel Cartoon Network.

Not only that, but Herbstreit completed just 56.4 percent of his passes for five touchdowns and 11 interceptions. This poor stat line drew ire from the public, and Herbstreit lashed out and blamed it on his head coach, John Cooper. While Cooper had done nothing wrong and Herbstreit should have shouldered the blame for his own sins on the field, Kirk suddenly had a new target for his internal rage.

Herbstreit poured himself into learning everything about Coach Cooper. You have to know your enemy to take down your enemy, after all. One thing that Herbstreit discovered about his head coach was that Cooper had played at…GASP…Iowa State University from 1959 to 1961. This is a fact that Herbstreit would store away in the depths of his mind, waiting to use it against his old coach in any manner that he could…

Present Day

It’s been a quarter century since Herbstreit officially turned his focus against John Cooper, and in turn, Iowa State University. He’s been biding his time ever since then waiting for the perfect time to strike… To bring down Iowa State and America with one fell swoop.

That opportunity presented itself on Saturday. With the Cyclones having a fantastic start to their season, coupled with a wide-reaching adoration from college football fans across the United States, NOW is the perfect time for Herbstreit to exact his revenge.

We should have seen it coming… Herbstreit. Herb streit. Herb street. Guess what country has herbs and streets? That’s right – Russia. Not only did he train with the Soviet space program throughout his adolescence, Kirk Herbstreit is a Russian spy and he’s been flaunting it right in front of our faces this entire time.

My hope is that this column will help Iowa State fans and the American people realize Herbstreit’s plan is to pluck Matt Campbell out of Ames, Iowa and destroy the spirit of our country. If we stick together, we can overcome this evil and make sure the Cyclones, led by Coach Campbell, take their rightful place atop the college football world.

Don’t let Kirk Herbstreit, and the Russians, win. Go Cyclones! Go Matt Campbell! Go USA!

 

Kevin Fitzpatrick

administrator

Kevin graduated from the Iowa State Greenlee School of Journalism in 2015 and spent two years as the managing editor of ISU's SB Nation blog, Wide Right & Natty Lite. He enjoys golfing and spending time with his beautiful wife Kimmy in his free time.