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Thread: Friday Humor

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    Friday Humor

    Any other jokes to get me to the weekend of golfing and football? I'll start with this one.

    A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his request was denied.

    "Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked. "It's not safe," the doctor replied.

    "But I need it really bad," the man explained.

    "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday."

    "Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."

    On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

    The man said, "No one showed up."


    Exaggeration is a BILLION times worse than understating.

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    Re: Friday Humor

    I had to chuckle at this one. I am engaged right now, so I am asssuming that I can expect a drop off in the near future... :

    A man walks into a store with his eight-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
    To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
    "Oh I see." replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
    He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
    "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks "Then who are these for?"
    "Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday,TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
    "WOW!" exclaimed the boy; "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
    With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"


    --Luck of the Cyrish--






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    Re: Friday Humor

    Two men walk into a bar.

    The third one ducks.





    I'll be here all week!



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    Re: Friday Humor

    A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head.

    The duck says "Can you get this guy off my *****!



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    Re: Friday Humor

    Quote Originally Posted by CrossCyed View Post
    Two men walk into a bar.

    The third one ducks.





    I'll be here all week!

    I thought it was......A man walks into a bar.......then yells "Damn that hurt"



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    Re: Friday Humor

    A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

    A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "sorry, we don't serve mushrooms in here."
    "Why not?" Said the mushroom. "I'm a Fun-gi"


    Exaggeration is a BILLION times worse than understating.

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    Re: Friday Humor

    Aesop's Other Fable:

    A horse and a dog are walking around the farm when they notice several young chickens had become stuck in some mud. The dog decided, that he would get the farmer's Porsche to help tow the young chickens out of the mud.
    While the dog ran to get the Porsche, the horse simply walked over to the mud pool, stood over it and let the young chickens climb to safety using his body.

    The moral of this story is: You don't need a Porsche to get chicks if you are hung like a horse.



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    Re: Friday Humor

    not exactly a joke joke, but found this on the onion and i had to post it...

    NFL Draft In Chaos As Mel Kiper's Big Board Is Knocked Over

    BRISTOL, CT—NFL officials and ESPN executives made an emergency announcement Tuesday stating that the 2007 NFL Player Draft may have to be postponed indefinitely, as draft guru Mel Kiper Jr.'s Big Board, the index-card-laden bulletin board used to catalog, rank, and track every single player in the draft, was accidentally knocked over late Monday night. "I just got up from my seat at the table to get a cup of coffee, and I must have hit the Big Board with my shoulder," said Kiper, holding up a loose stack of cards bearing players' names, positions, and schools printed in his distinctive block letters. "Now, the entire draft has been jumbled all together and no one is sure what player should go when. We might have to wait until July for me to get everyone back where they belong."
    "Look at this," Kiper said, gesturing to a table where his Big Board lay uncharacteristically horizontal and bereft of player rankings. "It's not supposed to be like that. Not supposed to be like that at all."
    Since the Big Board's introduction in 1984, it has served as the ranking medium for all top NFL draft picks. In its entire 23-year history, the Board has never before been knocked completely all the way over.
    "This is much worse than the 1995 'bobble' of the Big Board that saw five players' names from the mid-first round come unpinned and flutter to Mel Kiper's floor," said Buffalo Bills general manager Marv Levy, who was woken by aides and told of the knock-over only minutes after it occurred. "We weren't sure whether we were supposed to draft Warren Sapp, Ruben Brown, Mark Fields, or Ellis Johnson. In the end, we had to guess, and Sapp went to Tampa Bay. I don't want this to happen again, to anyone."
    Commissioner Roger Goodell issued a call for calm from an NFL office besieged by frantic phone calls from journalists, scouts, teams' front offices, and the agents of almost every player on the board, all of whom insist that their client was listed toward the Big Board's top.
    "While this is a huge setback for football, we will still be holding the draft in an orderly fashion," Goodell said. "We may have to delay it for a number of weeks, but one way or another, we will work with Mr. Kiper to recover as much information as possible related to player rankings. The full resources of the NFL are, as usual, at Mr. Kiper's disposal."
    Meanwhile, Goodell says he has requested that ESPN search through recent footage to see if the intact Big Board can be seen in the background of any shots or if Kiper appeared on the network discussing draft rankings at any time.
    "We're in bad shape, but all is not completely lost," said Kiper, shuffling through the stack of rumpled index cards he managed to salvage from the area of his floor where the board fell. "I'm reasonably sure that this 'Calvin Johnson' fellow was up near the top, for instance. He's a wide receiver, though, and I'm not sure I'd rank a wide receiver first. And there's a young man named Okoye here whose name I remember… 19 years old, though, can that be right? Damn it, how could I do something so stupid?"
    Kiper added that he would be working around the clock to restore order to the Big Board "up until the eve of the draft, if necessary," and hopes that some clue to the Board's former state can be found in his recently published draft guide, the 120-page Mel Kiper Jr's 2007 NFL Draft Report


    Iowa State: Anyone who's a true college basketball fan needs to see a game at Hilton Coliseum. Nice is in the DNA of Iowans and the fans here are particularly gracious -- even when the home team loses but gives a great effort, they are appreciative.

    ESPN.com picked Hilton Coliseum as the "Hot Arena" in the Big 12...coaches in the league noted that, "regardless of talent, the Cyclones have a home court like no other."

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    Re: Friday Humor

    There was once a fly zipping around above a lake. In the lake there was a frog. The frog saw the fly and wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could get the fly.

    Nearby was a bird. The bird saw what was going on, and wanted the fly to drop six inches so the frog would be distracted long enough for him to get the frog.

    Close by was a bear. The bear saw what was going on, and wanted the fly to drop six inches so the frog could get the fly, so the bird would come down far enough for him to get the bird.

    A little further away was a hunter. He saw what was going on, and wanted the fly to drop six inches so the frog could get the fly, so the bird could get the frog, so the bear could get the bird, leaving the hunter with an easy shot on the bear.

    Near the hunter was a mouse. The mouse saw what was going on, and wanted the fly to drop six inches so the frog could get the fly, so the bird could get the frog, so the bear could get the bird, so the hunter would shoot the bear, in turn dropping his cheese sandwich.

    Close by was a cat. The cat saw what was going on, and wanted the fly to drop six inches so the frog could get the fly, so the bird could get the frog, so the bear could get the bird, so the hunter could shoot the bear, in turn dropping the cheese sandwich, so the mouse could get the cheese sandwich, and then she could get the mouse.

    The fly dropped six inches...
    ~the frog got the fly...
    ~the bird got the frog...
    ~the bear got the bird...
    ~the hunter shot the bear, and in turn dropped the cheese sandwich...
    ~the mouse got the cheese sandwich...
    ~however, the cat misjudged the jump on the mouse and flailed into the lake.

    Moral of the story, when a fly drops six inches, a ***** gets wet...


    Chuck Lidell: I paint my toenails with pink and black polish. Problem is, I get more paint on my toes and on the carpet than on my nails. Any advice?
    Maria Sharapova: Don't you beat up other guys for a living? I don't know how to answer this.



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    Re: Friday Humor

    Quote Originally Posted by ISU_phoria View Post
    I thought it was......A man walks into a bar.......then yells "Damn that hurt"

    nonononononono, but u were close

    Q what did the man say when he walked into the bar?

    A damn that hurt


    Iowa State: Anyone who's a true college basketball fan needs to see a game at Hilton Coliseum. Nice is in the DNA of Iowans and the fans here are particularly gracious -- even when the home team loses but gives a great effort, they are appreciative.

    ESPN.com picked Hilton Coliseum as the "Hot Arena" in the Big 12...coaches in the league noted that, "regardless of talent, the Cyclones have a home court like no other."

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    Re: Friday Humor

    Quote Originally Posted by nfrine View Post
    Here's one along those same lines. Totally juvenile, but makes me laugh anyway.

    All Super Heros make room for Doodieman


    "THE SKIES SHALL RAIN BLOOD AND ALL THE WORLD SHALL QUAKE IN THE SHADOW OF THE CARDINAL AND GOLD!"

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    Re: Friday Humor

    Quote Originally Posted by explorer View Post
    A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head.

    The duck says "Can you get this guy off my *****!
    I little different rendition ...

    Guy walks in the the bar with what appears to be a frog growing out of his head, bartender says " I gotta ask buddy, how'd it happen "

    Frog says, "well it all started one day with a wart on my ***"



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    Re: Friday Humor

    Quote Originally Posted by cmoore_23 View Post
    nonononononono, but u were close

    Q what did the man say when he walked into the bar?

    A damn that hurt
    Baby seal walks into a club ...



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    Re: Friday Humor

    Why is Helen Keller such a bad driver? Because she's a woman.

    How did Helen Keller burn her ear? Answering the Iron. How did Helen burn her other ear? Guy called back.

    Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You would too if your name was mmmphhgu.



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