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Thread: Engineer Jokes

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    Engineer Jokes

    I'm sure you've all heard most if not all of these before, but thought I'd pass them along:


    ---Understanding Engineers - Take One
    Two engineering students were walking across the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

    The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


    ---Understanding Engineers - Take Two

    To the optimist, the glass is half full.
    To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
    To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

    ---Understanding Engineers - Take Three

    A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

    The engineer fumed, "What's with these people? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!"

    The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

    The priest said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

    "Hi George, what's the matter that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

    The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

    The group was silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

    The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can do for them."

    The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

    ---Understanding Engineers - Take Four

    A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

    "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

    "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

    "Well," answered the balloonist," everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

    The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

    "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

    "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."


    ---Understanding Engineers - Take Five

    What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

    Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.


    ---Understanding Engineers - Take Six

    Normal people ... believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it.

    Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough features yet.


    ---Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

    An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

    The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

    The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

    The engineer said, "I like both."

    "Both?" Replied the architect and artist.

    "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."


    ---Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
    One day, an engineer was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

    He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

    The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

    Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess; I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

    The engineer said, "Look. I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."



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    Re: Engineer Jokes

    Those are jokes? I thought that they were all true stories! Seriously though, I love 'em all! Great for a chuckle!


    Last edited by aauummm; 03-06-2010 at 10:26 AM.

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    Re: Engineer Jokes

    What's the diffrenece between an architect and a pizza?

    A pizza can feed a family of four.



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    Re: Engineer Jokes

    Three engineers, mechanical, electrical, and civil, were sitting in a bar arguing about God.

    The mechanical engineer says "It's obvious God is a mechanical engineer. Look at the human body. Look at all the joints, tendons, and muscle systems. Only an ME could figure all that out so that we walk upright."

    The electrical engineer takes a drink and rolls his eyes. "You're wrong. God is an electrical engineer. Look at the human body! You've got neurons firing, nerve cells, signal transfers, only an EE could have even come up with that."

    The civil engineer finishes off his beet and laughs. "You're both wrong. God's obviously a civil engineer. Look at the human body! Who else but a CE would run a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"



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    Re: Engineer Jokes

    There were three people that were going to be executed by the guillotine. They were a priest, a lawyer, and an engineer. The priest was supposed to go first. The warden put the priest's head securely in the guillotine and pulled the lever, but nothing happened. The warden feared that that it was some divine intervention and decided that it would be best to let the priest live. The warden then put the lawyer's head securely in the guillotine and pulled the lever and again nothing happened. Fearing that the warden was going to face a lawsuit he let the lawyer walk free. Then warden then put the engineer's head in the guillotine. The warden was about to pull the lever when the engineer said, "You know what warden, I think I know what your problem is..."



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    Re: Engineer Jokes

    The main goal of every engineer is to never be blamed for a major catastrophe.

    Dilbert



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    Re: Engineer Jokes

    An I-beam walks into a bar and the bartender says, "what'll you have?'

    The I-beam says, "Give me a moment."



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    Re: Engineer Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Enginerd View Post
    Three engineers, mechanical, electrical, and civil, were sitting in a bar arguing about God.

    The mechanical engineer says "It's obvious God is a mechanical engineer. Look at the human body. Look at all the joints, tendons, and muscle systems. Only an ME could figure all that out so that we walk upright."

    The electrical engineer takes a drink and rolls his eyes. "You're wrong. God is an electrical engineer. Look at the human body! You've got neurons firing, nerve cells, signal transfers, only an EE could have even come up with that."

    The civil engineer finishes off his beet and laughs. "You're both wrong. God's obviously a civil engineer. Look at the human body! Who else but a CE would run a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"
    Only a civil engineer would sit in a bar and have a beet!!



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    Re: Engineer Jokes

    [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmYDgncMhXw]YouTube - Dilbert - The Knack[/ame]



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    Re: Engineer Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Enginerd View Post
    The civil engineer finishes off his beet and laughs. "You're both wrong. God's obviously a civil engineer. Look at the human body! Who else but a CE would run a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"
    Quote Originally Posted by aauummm View Post
    Only a civil engineer would sit in a bar and have a beet!!
    I am highly offended by this tomfoolery


    Quote Originally Posted by CloneinWDSM View Post
    LOL ya right. If we win 9 games, I'll wax my entire body.

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    Re: Engineer Jokes

    Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
    The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
    The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
    The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
    Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."


    Quote Originally Posted by CloneinWDSM View Post
    LOL ya right. If we win 9 games, I'll wax my entire body.

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    Re: Engineer Jokes

    There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

    I know it's not engineer specific, but only engineers seem to laugh at it...


    You can spend a lot of time and money picking out the perfect floral bouquet for your date ... but you're probably better off checking if you have bad breath and taking the porn out of the glove compartment.

    The moral: you gain more by not being stupid, than you do by being smart. Smart gets neutralized by other smart people. Stupid does not.

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    Re: Engineer Jokes

    Q: What do you call an Engineer who stares at your shoes when he talks to you?

    A: Exceptionally Outgoing.


    I'm baaack! See my Hot Milk For Breakfast blog under Social Groups for more details

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    Re: Engineer Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Enginerd View Post
    What's the diffrenece between an architect and a pizza?

    A pizza can feed a family of four.
    Good one, I'll have to tell my structural this one; right after I tell him what I want him to do and when/where to do it.


    RIP Janice
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    Re: Engineer Jokes

    A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains," I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
    The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.
    Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.
    The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.


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