You want to read something that will tick you off?
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  1. #1
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    You want to read something that will tick you off?

    You asked for it:

    To the citizens of the United States of America

    In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
    and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
    of your independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
    duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except
    Kansas , which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

    Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
    America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
    will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
    whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
    following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

    Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide.
    You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
    pronouncing it.

    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
    'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
    without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by
    the suffix "ise."

    3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra';
    you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply
    can't cope with correct pronunciation.

    4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
    acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same
    twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like"
    and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

    5.There is no such thing as " US English." We will let Microsoft
    know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
    account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

    6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
    Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

    7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd
    will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in
    England . It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

    8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
    lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
    therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
    Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
    to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
    then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
    anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
    required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are shite and this is
    for your own good. When we show you German cars, you
    will understand what we mean.

    11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
    will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
    you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion
    tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
    British sense of humour.

    12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
    been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
    fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
    chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in
    animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

    14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
    with customers.

    15. The cold tasteless **** you insist on calling beer is not
    actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
    referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
    provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be
    referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's ****," so that all can be sold
    without risk of further confusion.

    16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
    as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
    to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
    dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin
    to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one
    kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave
    enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
    similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping
    for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
    like a bunch of nancies).

    18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
    to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played
    outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
    beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

    19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
    Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
    acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

    Thank you for your co-operation.

    John Cleese



  2. #2
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    Re: You want to read something that will tick you off?

    what the .... is this?


    Iowa State: Anyone who's a true college basketball fan needs to see a game at Hilton Coliseum. Nice is in the DNA of Iowans and the fans here are particularly gracious -- even when the home team loses but gives a great effort, they are appreciative.

    ESPN.com picked Hilton Coliseum as the "Hot Arena" in the Big 12...coaches in the league noted that, "regardless of talent, the Cyclones have a home court like no other."

  3. #3
    cyclONEnation
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    Re: You want to read something that will tick you off?

    That's funny.



  4. #4
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    Re: You want to read something that will tick you off?

    Actually, that didn't tick me off at all.


    Green hills for thy throne, and for crown a golden melody/Ringing in the hearts of all who bring thee love and loyalty/Dear Alma Mater, make our spirits great
    True and valiant like the bells of I-O-WA STATE!

    And thank you Stumpy for this:

  5. #5
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    Re: You want to read something that will tick you off?

    Laughing and angry all at once, it is possible.



  6. #6
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    Re: You want to read something that will tick you off?

    I saw that some time ago. Somewhat humorous.

    Was it truly penned by John Cleese of Monty Python fame? Doesn't he live in the US now?

    Edit:
    Found this at IMDB.com in Cleese's bio:
    Has resided for many years in the prestigious Chicago North Shore suburb of Lake Forest, Illinois.


    Yeah well, ya know, that's just, like uh, your opinion, man.

  7. #7
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    Re: You want to read something that will tick you off?

    Tired. Not funny.



  8. #8
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    Re: You want to read something that will tick you off?

    Quote Originally Posted by C.John View Post
    That's funny.
    Well...John Cleese did write it.



  9. #9
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    Re: You want to read something that will tick you off?

    Quote Originally Posted by jparker22 View Post
    Laughing and angry all at once, it is possible.
    My thoughts exactly.

    Someone needs to come up with a response letter

    1. Dental visits will be required by all residents. Yes, in the United States we actually pay someone to make differentiate our mouths from the mouth of a shark.



  10. #10
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    Re: You want to read something that will tick you off?

    Quote Originally Posted by joepublic View Post
    Tired. Not funny.
    I'm surprised a post of yours didn't rip the Iowa State students.



  11. #11
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    Re: You want to read something that will tick you off?

    Quote Originally Posted by cycloneworld View Post
    My thoughts exactly.

    Someone needs to come up with a response letter

    1. Dental visits will be required by all residents. Yes, in the United States we actually pay someone to make differentiate our mouths from the mouth of a shark.
    you're on to something, i am having a few before the game and maybe a couple after, so i may stay up to write that out if no-one beats me to it.

    maybe a new thread for us all to add to would be the way to go. hmmm.



  12. #12
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    Re: You want to read something that will tick you off?

    What ISU students, cycloneworld? I don't see any at basketball games.



  13. #13
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    Re: You want to read something that will tick you off?

    Quote Originally Posted by cycloneworld View Post
    My thoughts exactly.

    Someone needs to come up with a response letter

    1. Dental visits will be required by all residents. Yes, in the United States we actually pay someone to make differentiate our mouths from the mouth of a shark.
    Actually, it need only say one thing:

    Revolutionary War: USA 1, UK 0
    Scoreboard, *******!

    And you could add something about that whole not-speaking-German thing we helped them out with.



  14. #14
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    Re: You want to read something that will tick you off?

    Quote Originally Posted by joepublic View Post
    What ISU students, cycloneworld? I don't see any at basketball games.
    Ahhhh...there it is. And the world is right again.



  15. #15
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    Re: You want to read something that will tick you off?

    Response #1



    I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

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