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Thread: TGIF

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    TGIF

    As an addict to this this site I need everyone's help. I will be on vacation for a week and away from my computer form Sunday to Sunday. And for some it might be a blessing.
    Help me get my fix this afternoon. Any riddles or humorous jokes is what is needed.


    I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

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    Re: TGIF

    What did happen to Friday's pointless and humorless threads? Is Angie on a Cyclone Fanatic Strike again?


    Last edited by CTAClone; 01-19-2007 at 01:14 PM. Reason: Bad Joke
    "If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."



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    Re: TGIF

    Not very funny, but here;s some.
    Useless Facts
    1. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.

    2. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

    3. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

    4. Every time you lick a stamp, you consume 1/10 of a calorie.

    5. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

    6. Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

    7. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

    8. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; '7' was selected after the original 7-ounce containers and 'UP' for the direction of the bubbles.

    9. 101 Dalmatians, Peter Pan, Lady and the Tramp, and Mulan are the only Disney cartoons where both parents are present and don't die throughout the movie. .

    10. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

    11. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

    12. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.

    13. Reindeer like to eat bananas.

    14. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.

    15. The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."

    16. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

    17. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

    18. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II Killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

    19. More people are killed annually by donkeys than airplane crashes.

    20. A 'jiffy' is a unit of time for 1/100th of a second.


    Exaggeration is a BILLION times worse than understating.

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    Re: TGIF

    A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost.
    The owner said it was $50.

    Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

    The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

    The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

    The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad,"

    A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.

    A couple of hours later, the woman's husband, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores... ...same old faces. Hi Ray."


    Exaggeration is a BILLION times worse than understating.

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    Re: TGIF

    The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

    After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

    Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

    The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!"


    Exaggeration is a BILLION times worse than understating.

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    Re: TGIF

    A few children's books that didn't make the cut:

    1. You Are Different and That's Bad
    2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
    3. Dad's New Wife Robert
    4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
    5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
    6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
    7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
    8. All Cats Go to Hell
    9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
    10. Some Kittens Can Fly
    11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
    12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
    13. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
    14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
    15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things


    Exaggeration is a BILLION times worse than understating.

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    Re: TGIF

    Quote Originally Posted by wartknight View Post
    Not very funny, but here;s some.



    14. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.



    I just thought of this in a jiffy, doesn't Urkle actually rhyme with Purple. I'm not a linguist but they seem like they would rhyme.


    "If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."



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    Re: TGIF

    This is in fun, not stating my political views.

    > I bought a new Lexus 350 and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
    >
    > "Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
    >
    > "Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
    >
    > I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.
    >
    > Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Idiots!"
    >
    > Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
    >
    > I LOVE this car!


    I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

  9. #9
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    Re: TGIF

    Three minute management course



    Lesson 1:

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

    When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800.00 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

    After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800.00 and leaves..


    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

    "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

    "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800.00 he owes me?"

    Moral of the story : If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure

    Lesson 2:

    A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

    The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.

    But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

    The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

    Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

    Lesson 3:

    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

    "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

    Puff! She's gone.

    "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

    Puff! He's gone.

    "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

    Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say

    Lesson 4

    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
    A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

    The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up

    Lesson 5

    A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

    "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
    replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

    He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

    Moral of the story: ******** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there

    Lesson 6

    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

    A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

    Moral of the story:

    1) Not everyone who ***** on you is your enemy

    2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend

    3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

    This ends the 3-minute management course.



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    Re: TGIF

    ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY
    PEOPLE.






    I'M JUST POSTING TO SAY GOODBYE.


    I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

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    Re: TGIF

    I vote this as the best original joke of the day.








    ISUFan22 quit posting.



    All in fun Jeremy.


    I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

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    Re: TGIF

    A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

    Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

    "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

    "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse **** onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse **** from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

    The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."


    Exaggeration is a BILLION times worse than understating.

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    Re: TGIF

    A young couple were driving home one night.

    As they came around a curve, they ran over a mother skunk. The woman saw a baby skunk crying on the side of the road and demanded her boyfriend stop. Taking the baby home, it started shivering.

    The woman said, "It's cold. What do I do?"

    The man replied, "Put it down between your legs and warm it up."

    The lady then asked, "What about the smell?"

    The man replied, "I guess just hold its little nose!"


    Exaggeration is a BILLION times worse than understating.

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    Re: TGIF

    >>> REDNECK LOVE POEM
    >>>
    >>> SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
    >>> SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
    >>> SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
    >>> SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
    >>>
    >>>
    >>> PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
    >>> YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
    >>> I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
    >>> BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
    >>>
    >>>
    >>> SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
    >>> AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
    >>> BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
    >>> HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
    >>>
    >>> YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
    >>> AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
    >>> BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
    >>> I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
    >>>
    >>>
    >>>
    >>> BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
    >>> JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
    >>> MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
    >>> YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.


    I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

  15. #15
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    Re: TGIF

    Quote Originally Posted by CTAClone View Post
    What did happen to Friday's pointless and humorless threads? Is Angie on a Cyclone Fanatic Strike again?
    Close! Amy was actually on the strike - right now she's traveling for work (not striking). I just haven't been online much today...


    M 7/09

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