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Thread: Advice on kids

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    Advice on kids

    Here's my problem. I am extremely competitive. I've passed that on to my 10 year old son. My competitive streak pushes me to try harder, and when I get beat at something, to practice and push harder so that it doesn't happen again. His leads him to get mad and get down on himself when he's not immediately good at something.

    The part of this I possibly created goes back to when he was little. I let him win at pretty much anything. As he's gotten older, I've slowly stopped that, just enough to keep him humble. His initial reaction to not winning was to want to quit. We struggled with that for a while, but I finally got through to him by getting him to realize that losing was much better than quitting.

    Now he can win at something 10 times in a row, but the moment he loses, or starts to look like he is going to lose, he immediately gets down on himself and gets angry. I've always given him positive reinforcement, win or lose, and never placed a verbal importance on winning. The good news is, he's played several team sports, and doesn't seem to have any issues there.

    Any advice on how I should proceed?



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    Re: Advice on kids

    It sounds bad... but I think he needs to lose more.



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    Re: Advice on kids

    Quote Originally Posted by superdorf View Post
    It sounds bad... but I think he needs to lose more.
    I've been trying that, but so far, no improvement. I've also tried to show him through my actions how to be gracious in defeat. I always shake his hand, and tell him that it was a good game. My little dude is 5' in thick sneakers, and I am 6'2, but somehow he feels that he should beat me in basketball every time.



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    Re: Advice on kids

    careful .. even Elways kid just burned out on sports. There are a lot of parents that need to step back and watch themselves for a moment at a sporting event or their kids practice.

    I know the feeling, I'm competitive as well - luckily my kid is only 3 months old, so you tell me what ends up working My Dad was a farmer that never played sports, so I never experienced much pushing from my end of things.

    Just try not to be psycho-Dad. If you find yourself forcing your kid to run layup drills in the driveway instead of playing horse or 1on1 ... you could be "that guy".



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    Re: Advice on kids

    It doesn't sound to me like you're doing anything wrong. My kids are younger, but I don't let them win either. I sometimes play down to their level, but don't obviously let them win just to make them feel better about themselves. I try to focus on the fun we have when we play stuff, not the winning, but that's easier said than done, and likely will only get harder and harder to pull off as they get older.

    I'd say your boy just wants to knock off "the king" and doesn't like not being able to do that. I tell kids that they shouldn't like losing and that practice will make them better and make that feeling go away.

    I'd say it's a good sign that the behavior you're seeing when playing against him isn't showing up in organized sports. It sounds like you're doing everything you can...I bet as he matures he'll understand better how to handle his anger about competing with you.


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    Re: Advice on kids

    Maybe only play with him on a few conditions? If he is going to act that way, the next time you say no?

    -keep


    The first and best victory is to conquer self; to be conquered by self is of all things most shameful and vile. - Plato

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    Re: Advice on kids

    I would look at the positive. He wants to succeed. He will learn the losing, that is life. Don't discourage the drive to win. If he learns to handle the losing and keep the drive to win, it will make him more successfull in the future.


    I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

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    Re: Advice on kids

    I don't throw a game when playing against the kids.

    When they beat me, they do it honestly - and it's worth that much more for them.



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    Re: Advice on kids

    Another thing I try to do is focus on the positive, even if they don't win. Such as, "That was awesome when you..." or "I couldn't believe it when you...".

    That gives them a small victory even in defeat.


    Forever trying to find a cure for the Dunning-Kruger Effect.

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    Re: Advice on kids

    Quote Originally Posted by clones_jer View Post
    careful .. even Elways kid just burned out on sports. There are a lot of parents that need to step back and watch themselves for a moment at a sporting event or their kids practice.

    I know the feeling, I'm competitive as well - luckily my kid is only 3 months old, so you tell me what ends up working My Dad was a farmer that never played sports, so I never experienced much pushing from my end of things.

    Just try not to be psycho-Dad. If you find yourself forcing your kid to run layup drills in the driveway instead of playing horse or 1on1 ... you could be "that guy".
    I've been very conscious of that. He's played one year of baseball, one year of flag football, one year of basketball, and one year of Tae kwon do. Every one of them was at his insistence. I go out of my way not to push him, but he's just got that streak that demands perfection. I like that, but I don't want him to get upset with himself when he doesn't get it.



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    Re: Advice on kids

    Quote Originally Posted by keepngoal View Post
    Maybe only play with him on a few conditions? If he is going to act that way, the next time you say no?

    -keep
    I need to try that more often. I typically try to stop the game and talk about it, but perhaps I'm restarting without resolving the issues.

    Quote Originally Posted by chadm View Post
    I would look at the positive. He wants to succeed. He will learn the losing, that is life. Don't discourage the drive to win. If he learns to handle the losing and keep the drive to win, it will make him more successfull in the future.
    I certainly do. I just don't like to see him talking himself down when he's not doing well. As I said though, I never see any of that come out in organized sports. He makes mistakes and is seemingly unfazed, and is always a good sport. Perhaps he is just super competitive with dad?



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    Re: Advice on kids

    Next time you lose, pitch a complete fit. Yell, cry, pout, and just act like a complete baby. Refuse to play with him again, and see if he sees what he looks like.



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    Re: Advice on kids

    Quote Originally Posted by Cyclonepride View Post



    I certainly do. I just don't like to see him talking himself down when he's not doing well. As I said though, I never see any of that come out in organized sports. He makes mistakes and is seemingly unfazed, and is always a good sport. Perhaps he is just super competitive with dad?
    He wants to beat his idiol.


    I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

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    Re: Advice on kids

    Quote Originally Posted by Cyclonepride View Post

    I certainly do. I just don't like to see him talking himself down when he's not doing well. As I said though, I never see any of that come out in organized sports. He makes mistakes and is seemingly unfazed, and is always a good sport. Perhaps he is just super competitive with dad?
    Give the kid credit, he may doing that with you so you feel sorry for him and let him win. I don't think you have a problem since he does not exhibit the same attitude in team sports.

    Enjoy these years, in a couple of years it will not be as cool to spend a lot of time with dad!



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    Re: Advice on kids

    Make sure your actions in losing situations is not different then what you are trying to teach him. One thing I have learned is that I can tell one of my kids 1,000 times to do something in a certain way, but the minute I am in the same situation and act differently then what I have been telling them, they will do as you do not as you say.

    Not saying that you are a bad loser, but I am also pretty competitive and times when I thought I was frustrated with myself and concentrating on what I needed to do to win the next time, my wife has told me I was acting like a sore loser. Might be perception



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