Santa is a Woman?
Results 1 to 6 of 6
  1. #1
    Speechless
    Points: 407,954, Level: 100
    Level completed: 0%, Points required for next Level: 0
    Overall activity: 60.0%
    Achievements:
    SocialOverdriveVeteran50000 Experience Points
    Wesley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Omaha
    Posts
    61,065
    Points
    407,954
    Level
    100
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 874
    Given: 606

    Santa is a Woman?

    SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN?


    I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
    Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
    For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on December 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
    Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
    Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
    Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
    Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repair bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
    Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
    · Men can't pack a bag.
    · Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
    · Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
    · Men don't answer their mail.
    · Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
    · Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
    · Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
    · Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
    I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men.
    · Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
    · Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
    · Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

    Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

    I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!


    Let my Fred's Posse Ride: Georges, Naz, Hogue, Bryce, Nader, Monte, Matt, and McKay.

  2. #2
    Speechless
    Points: 407,954, Level: 100
    Level completed: 0%, Points required for next Level: 0
    Overall activity: 60.0%
    Achievements:
    SocialOverdriveVeteran50000 Experience Points
    Wesley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Omaha
    Posts
    61,065
    Points
    407,954
    Level
    100
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 874
    Given: 606

    Re: Santa is a Woman?

    (A REBUTTAL)
    There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why:
    First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to "bond" with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make you look fat."
    What woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. Also, men don't care if they would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down the chimney.
    And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. Besides, she-Santa would not go out without makeup.
    If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. And she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her hair.
    The tradition is for cookies and milk to be left for Santa on Christmas Eve. If Santa were a woman, the tradition would be chocolates and Latte's. Also, a male Santa would judiciously takes a bite from each cookie to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole darn box of Snackwells would be devoured and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor.
    Santa doesn't need to ask directions. A female Santa would get her directions from landmarks. Up in the sky there are no landmarks and no place to ask directions. Besides, she-Santa would never go out driving in the snow and rain at night. She would make Mr. Claus do it and then complain about the way he drove.
    She-Santa would never say "HO HO HO". She would analyze it too much and think it was somehow demeaning.
    Would any self respecting female Santa really be seen wearing the SAME outfit year after year? No, she would have to have a new one each year. And red would not be the color. It would be more like pink or purple.
    She-Santa would not clean up the mess that the deer make. Like you are going to make the deer wait until they get back to the North Pole? Men have years of training with dogs.
    Yup, Santa's a guy alright!


    Let my Fred's Posse Ride: Georges, Naz, Hogue, Bryce, Nader, Monte, Matt, and McKay.

  3. #3
    Hooper drives the boat, Chief
    Points: 607,887, Level: 100
    Level completed: 0%, Points required for next Level: 0
    Overall activity: 36.0%
    Achievements:
    SocialYour first GroupVeteran50000 Experience PointsRecommendation Second Class
    Mr Janny's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    22,966
    Points
    607,887
    Level
    100
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 1,794
    Given: 169

    Re: Santa is a Woman?

    are you arguing with yourself?


    "What a horrible night to have a curse."
    -Simon Belmont

    "Please bury me with all my stuff, because you know it's mine..."
    -Master Shake

    "Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood."
    -Lorem Ipsum

  4. #4
    Hall-Of-Famer
    Points: 48,047, Level: 67
    Level completed: 79%, Points required for next Level: 303
    Overall activity: 0%
    Achievements:
    SocialVeteran25000 Experience Points
    Bubbahotep's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Des Moines
    Posts
    3,519
    Points
    48,047
    Level
    67
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 0
    Given: 0

    Re: Santa is a Woman?

    slow day at work, I'm assuming


    “There have been a lotta tough guys. There have been pretenders. And there have been contenders. But there is only one king.”

  5. #5
    Hall-Of-Famer
    Points: 62,899, Level: 77
    Level completed: 79%, Points required for next Level: 351
    Overall activity: 4.0%
    Achievements:
    Veteran50000 Experience Points

    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    4,195
    Points
    62,899
    Level
    77
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 177
    Given: 159

    Re: Santa is a Woman?

    Quote Originally Posted by jdewaard View Post
    are you arguing with yourself?
    I think he's just plagiarizing some article(s) to keep himself busy.



  6. #6
    Speechless
    Points: 407,954, Level: 100
    Level completed: 0%, Points required for next Level: 0
    Overall activity: 60.0%
    Achievements:
    SocialOverdriveVeteran50000 Experience Points
    Wesley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Omaha
    Posts
    61,065
    Points
    407,954
    Level
    100
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 874
    Given: 606

    Re: Santa is a Woman?

    Quote Originally Posted by jdewaard View Post
    are you arguing with yourself?
    I hear you. Actually I found this rerouted humor from previous years that I thought worth posting as the fate of the American auto Industry (AAI) is decided.

    I could turn it into a poll question, but I think the guys would have it..


    Let my Fred's Posse Ride: Georges, Naz, Hogue, Bryce, Nader, Monte, Matt, and McKay.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
  • TV: Mediacom 22
  • HOOPS: Iowa State vs. Drake
  • December 20, 2014
  • 04:00 PM