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    Why do victims of abuse go back to the abuse?

    Trying to figure this one out. I have a female friend that is 24, she had been seeing a guy that was 34. He hit her and shoved her numerous times. I also need to note that I work with her and after the Iowa/Iowa State game, this jerk got into a fight with a bunch of her friends in Cedar Rapids. She called me crying and I went and picked her up. I told her she didn't deserve someone like that in her life. So she was staying with me the last week and a half and then went back to him. She said she was doing it for herself. How else can I try to help her see the light of day?? Any advice, I'm open too.Thanks!!



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    Re: Why do victims of abuse go back to the abuse?

    You can't give anybody relationship advice. It just doesn't work. You tell them to leave, no matter what the reasons or how much sense it makes, you just end up pushing them closer to the person they are seeing.

    In this case, was there abuse in her family growing up? If they saw abuse growing up, they think that is the way a relationship should be. It is a very frustrating situation. Men saw their Dad's be abusive, so they think they should be. Women see their Mother's treated badly, so that is the sort of attention they need. It is a horrible cycle, that makes absolutely no sense to me, but it is very real and continues today.

    I don't know what to tell you. It doesn't seem that you can reason with your friend. You may need to be in a situation where you confront the guy in front of her, and show her what sort of guy he is. Of course you do risk personal injury this way. There is also the problem that some people you just cannot help, no matter how much they need it.


    Last edited by joefrog; 09-28-2008 at 11:55 AM.
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    Re: Why do victims of abuse go back to the abuse?

    The problem isn't with the relationship, it's with her. For some reason, something happened in her life that makes her think she is supposed to be treated like this. Until you figure out what that thing is and deal with it, it really doesn't matter if she gets out of this relationship, because she will seek out a similar situation eventually. She really needs to go see a counselor. PM me if you want some recommendations.



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    Re: Why do victims of abuse go back to the abuse?

    She is told me that her parents had a terrible divorce. I didn't ask anymore about it. She was on the phone her mother last week, telling her and the abuser had broke up. Though she told me that she had never told her mom what happened. I kept preaching to her that the truth shall set you free- him and her. But this guy is an alcoholic too. She told me this guy would go on 24 hour binges. She is a sweet heart and it just bugs me to know end that she went back to him.



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    Re: Why do victims of abuse go back to the abuse?

    By the way, when she told me she was going back with him. I said to her that you need to talk to someone and get help. She totally made excuses for this guy, saying he's a good guy, just has a drinking problem.



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    Re: Why do victims of abuse go back to the abuse?

    Quote Originally Posted by EddieISU View Post
    By the way, when she told me she was going back with him. I said to her that you need to talk to someone and get help. She totally made excuses for this guy, saying he's a good guy, just has a drinking problem.
    You can rationalize anything in life by the use of excuses. It never ends, until you wake up and realize what is going on. If the guy is a ***** when he is drunk, then he is probably one when he is sober too. You gotta play dirty with your friend. Ask her if she is proud of the guy, or better yet herself, for seeing him. Ask her if this is the sort of relationship that she really wants to be in, or if this is how she deserves to be treated, does she treat people this way? Until she realizes she deserves better, nothing will change.


    Last edited by chadm; 09-28-2008 at 12:29 PM. Reason: filter
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    Re: Why do victims of abuse go back to the abuse?

    Thanks JoeFrog, I guess she has to hit rock bottom on her own, and that's sad to me, but also very real.



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    Re: Why do victims of abuse go back to the abuse?

    I've have been trying to figure this out for a few years as well. Some women seem to just enjoy being treated like crap, whehter its physical or emotional or whatever. The saying "nice guys finish last" has been around for ages and I guess it still proves true.


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    Re: Why do victims of abuse go back to the abuse?

    Here's the sad truth, Eddie. This girl, for whatever reason, seeks out unstable (to put it gently) relationships. And sometimes they feel safest, or maybe I should say more comfortable, in these types of relationships. But, they HAVE to be in a relationship of some sort. The best advice for her would be to move out, get a place of her own (cuz I'm guessing she's never done that) and start a new independent life. But, she won't do that. If she does actually leave him, it will be to move in with another similar guy to start a similar dysfunctional relationship. It's sad knowing that you really can't do anything to help her. But, you can't...



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    Re: Why do victims of abuse go back to the abuse?

    Quote Originally Posted by EddieISU View Post
    She totally made excuses for this guy, saying he's a good guy, just has a drinking problem.
    Yep, he treated her real well right up until the time he killed her.

    You see this over and over. I have never understood it. She deserves to be 'supported', 'rescued', whatever you want to call it once. If she goes back to someone who beats her knowing that he will do it again then she and she alone is responsible for putting herself back in that situation.


    Gene Smith, 1993-2000. 7 years, 6 NCAA's, 1 bowl game. Revenue sports postseason participation 50%. Good.
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    Jamie Pollard, 2005-. 4 years. 1 bowl game, 0 NCAA's, 0 NIT's. Postseason participation: 13%. The next big step.

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    Re: Why do victims of abuse go back to the abuse?

    Quote Originally Posted by MontyBurns View Post
    Yep, he treated her real well right up until the time he killed her.

    You see this over and over. I have never understood it. She deserves to be 'supported', 'rescued', whatever you want to call it once. If she goes back to someone who beats her knowing that he will do it again then she and she alone is responsible for putting herself back in that situation.

    Are you freakin kidding me? Please do not listen to this waste of air. There may be a point where you have to walk away, but everyone deserves to be helped more than once, many times in fact.

    Help your friend all you can. The best you can do is be there for her, and encourage her to get some help. If you can get her to feel better about herself, she will dump this loser immediately.



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    Re: Why do victims of abuse go back to the abuse?

    Quote Originally Posted by MontyBurns View Post
    Yep, he treated her real well right up until the time he killed her.

    You see this over and over. I have never understood it. She deserves to be 'supported', 'rescued', whatever you want to call it once. If she goes back to someone who beats her knowing that he will do it again then she and she alone is responsible for putting herself back in that situation.
    That's so extremely short-sighted, it's offensive.

    I would doggedly point this woman to the nearest domestic violence shelter each and every time I saw her, and maybe more. Only she can decide to help herself, but there needs to be people who care trying to get her to realize that she can be strong and get help.



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    Re: Why do victims of abuse go back to the abuse?

    I know a couple of police officers who see this situation all the time. Called to a house or apartment by the victim or by neighbors. Woman is crying, he hit me, he threatened me, I'm terrified of him, etc. Oh, do you want to press charges against him? Of course not, she loves him, he'll never do it again, etc. Believe me, they've seen it so much that if the woman won't help herself, they don't give a damn. And it's hard to blame them.


    Gene Smith, 1993-2000. 7 years, 6 NCAA's, 1 bowl game. Revenue sports postseason participation 50%. Good.
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    My ignore list: splitidentity, tarheelhawk,superdorf, clones_jer. That is all.

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    Re: Why do victims of abuse go back to the abuse?

    Quote Originally Posted by MontyBurns View Post
    Yep, he treated her real well right up until the time he killed her.

    You see this over and over. I have never understood it. She deserves to be 'supported', 'rescued', whatever you want to call it once. If she goes back to someone who beats her knowing that he will do it again then she and she alone is responsible for putting herself back in that situation.
    you are angry today? first you want to fire chizik and now you want this poor girl to die.

    maybe youre a fusker fan.


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    Re: Why do victims of abuse go back to the abuse?

    Quote Originally Posted by MontyBurns View Post
    I know a couple of police officers who see this situation all the time. Called to a house or apartment by the victim or by neighbors. Woman is crying, he hit me, he threatened me, I'm terrified of him, etc. Oh, do you want to press charges against him? Of course not, she loves him, he'll never do it again, etc. Believe me, they've seen it so much that if the woman won't help herself, they don't give a damn. And it's hard to blame them.
    I know a couple of police officers who, in fact, treat their wives like crap. I don't think they like women. If these two officers respond to a domestic abuse situation, I doubt they "would give a damn" about the woman either.



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