Need some advice on a relationship
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  1. #1
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    Need some advice on a relationship

    Hey all,

    Just wondering if anyone could shed some wisdom and advice on a dating situation I'm currently in. Basically, I've been seeing this girl seriously for close to a year now and she recently informed me that she used to have a serious drug problem but has since been clean for 4 years, and she has a masters in nursing now, works hard and from what I can tell, is a completely different person. Our relationship is fantastic, loving and a ton of fun and we get along great and have had no major arguments or fights to date. Now, what bugs me is that it took awhile for her to tell me. When I asked why she never told me she admitted that it was a long time ago and thought that I might judge her harshly for it or think differently of her and was scared it might mess up our relationship. We have since talked about it and I do feel somewhat better but is this a red flag I'm being oblivious to? Like I said, its been a great relationship but its starting to get more serious now and I just thought I'd get some advice before it goes further. Thanks!



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    Re: Need some advice on a relationship

    Pics?


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    Re: Need some advice on a relationship

    No. If she's four years clean, obviously people can always backslide, but I don't see it being a red flag for anything. It sounds like she's worked very hard to straighten herself out, and some people are just very ashamed of their past, even if we don't feel it's something to be ashamed of. Care about who she is now, don't worry about what she was or the fact she was too embarrassed to say.



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    Re: Need some advice on a relationship

    What drugs are we talking about?



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    Re: Need some advice on a relationship

    don't judge



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    Re: Need some advice on a relationship

    Telling someone you had a drug problem isn't going to be the easiest thing in the world to do. She has probably gotten to the point where she feels this relationship is serious enough that she feels secure enough to tell you. If everything else is going well, let the past stay in the past.



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    Re: Need some advice on a relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by GoSTATE71 View Post
    Hey all,

    Just wondering if anyone could shed some wisdom and advice on a dating situation I'm currently in. Basically, I've been seeing this girl seriously for close to a year now and she recently informed me that she used to have a serious drug problem but has since been clean for 4 years, and she has a masters in nursing now, works hard and from what I can tell, is a completely different person. Our relationship is fantastic, loving and a ton of fun and we get along great and have had no major arguments or fights to date. Now, what bugs me is that it took awhile for her to tell me. When I asked why she never told me she admitted that it was a long time ago and thought that I might judge her harshly for it or think differently of her and was scared it might mess up our relationship. We have since talked about it and I do feel somewhat better but is this a red flag I'm being oblivious to? Like I said, its been a great relationship but its starting to get more serious now and I just thought I'd get some advice before it goes further. Thanks!
    Sounds like she might have been right.



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    Re: Need some advice on a relationship

    Here's some advice: Don't come to CF for advice.

    It probably took her awhile to tell you because its a pretty serious issue and was probably a major part of her life. Sounds like she's gotten herself cleaned up and built up the trust in your relationship to finally tell you. I think you are taking this the wrong way. You should be proud of her for telling you, not second guessing.



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    Re: Need some advice on a relationship

    I don't know that I'd freak out about it. I mean, she had been clean for 3 years before you got serious, if I'm doing the math right. If a person had something like that in their past, it would be something they'd probably be ashamed of, so it's not like you'd go down the street saying "hey, didja know I was a druggie?" (granted I'm being a bit over the top there) So, she probably hesitated telling you until you got serious, but then...well, what if I tell him and he runs now? and it went on from there, possibly getting harder as time went on.

    In the beginning, there are all sorts of secrets, but as it goes on down the path and you get closer, eventually you have to share them. If it's an appropriate time, (and I'm going off the 'starting to get more serious' comment) maybe this is a natural progression of that process for her, and you two should have a discussion about those types of things and getting rid of any remaining ones.




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    Re: Need some advice on a relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by GoSTATE71 View Post
    Hey all,

    Just wondering if anyone could shed some wisdom and advice on a dating situation I'm currently in. Basically, I've been seeing this girl seriously for close to a year now and she recently informed me that she used to have a serious drug problem but has since been clean for 4 years, and she has a masters in nursing now, works hard and from what I can tell, is a completely different person. Our relationship is fantastic, loving and a ton of fun and we get along great and have had no major arguments or fights to date. Now, what bugs me is that it took awhile for her to tell me. When I asked why she never told me she admitted that it was a long time ago and thought that I might judge her harshly for it or think differently of her and was scared it might mess up our relationship. We have since talked about it and I do feel somewhat better but is this a red flag I'm being oblivious to? Like I said, its been a great relationship but its starting to get more serious now and I just thought I'd get some advice before it goes further. Thanks!
    Chill - she HAD a problem, her life is in order by all accounts. Trust her going forward until she gives you a reason not to. Past is past and so many of us have bells we can't unring.



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    Re: Need some advice on a relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by ISU42 View Post
    What drugs are we talking about?
    That is a fair question. If we're just talking weed, it's not even remotely an issue.

    Also does she still associate with the same people that she used with? And do they still use?



  12. #12
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    Re: Need some advice on a relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by GoSTATE71 View Post
    Hey all,

    Just wondering if anyone could shed some wisdom and advice on a dating situation I'm currently in. Basically, I've been seeing this girl seriously for close to a year now and she recently informed me that she used to have a serious drug problem but has since been clean for 4 years, and she has a masters in nursing now, works hard and from what I can tell, is a completely different person. Our relationship is fantastic, loving and a ton of fun and we get along great and have had no major arguments or fights to date. Now, what bugs me is that it took awhile for her to tell me. When I asked why she never told me she admitted that it was a long time ago and thought that I might judge her harshly for it or think differently of her and was scared it might mess up our relationship. We have since talked about it and I do feel somewhat better but is this a red flag I'm being oblivious to? Like I said, its been a great relationship but its starting to get more serious now and I just thought I'd get some advice before it goes further. Thanks!
    She should break up with you IMO.



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    Re: Need some advice on a relationship

    She is open. Opposite is she wasn't open and the problem maybe comes back and you wouldn't have any clue of what is going on. Her guard is down. Do what you will as it is your life too.



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    Re: Need some advice on a relationship

    Thanks for the replies. I'm not sure if its a judgement thing, but I've never really known anyone who has had a serious problem like that before her so I dont understand everything about it. However, like I said she was ashamed of it and was scared of what I'd think and maybe I'm over thinking the whole it took awhile to tell me. She takes the whole sobriety thing very seriously and even counsels troubled youth who might be on a bad path towards alcohol or drugs and I find that admirable. Anyways, I do appreciate the advice and replies.



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    Re: Need some advice on a relationship

    If you cut her loose now, you'll only prove her fears correct. She'll likely never tell anybody the whole truth again.

    If you trust her and tell her truthfully you want to be there for her in the future, you'll likely build her trust and desire to please you beyond your expectations.


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