There is a reason no one person is supposed to have ultimate power. It is almost human nature to abuse the gifts graced upon us. And if there were no judiciary measures to keep us in check, our leaders would rule unjustly (that is not to say they currently don’t).
With all of that said, if I, Scott Alan Hale, was able to rule over the world of sports without any branch of government or law passing deliberation process to approve my decisions, or at least if there were a UN of sports and I were to appear in front of it, and give a Matthew Mcconaughey-esque dissertation from Time to Kill, these are the 11 changes I would make.
To be clear there are literally hundreds of things I would like to change about all of the sports I have loved since I was coordinated enough to play them. So it was very tough to narrow this list down, and I am sure you the readers will point out what I missed and add your own sports commandments.
To the list:
1. Their needs to be an age limit on people making signs and taking them to games.
To me there is simply no justification for a grown man, with a 401K, a fully connecting beard, two kids in high school, and a mortgage payment taking a home made sign to a sporting event. None. Not to mention being the shining example for our youth to spend his free time, not helping out with homework or attending parent teacher conferences but rather going to Staples or Office Max to get paper Mache, cutting out letters, sprinkling them with glitter and making a corny sign using the word ESPN in a sentence is blasphemy.
Look I am all for fan participation. That is what makes sports so great in the first place. But this has to stop. Get up early and go tailgate. Get drunk, and cheer till your voice sounds like Doc Rivers, but enough with the signs. Not only are you blocking the view of people behind you, but you are 45 years old! Stop being a ****** bag, stop trying to learn how to Dougie, take the hoop earring out and realize your prime is past you. Act your age and leave the signs for the kids.
2. Picking up your fighter and celebrating after he clearly lost. (Cory Spinks)
While boxing may be the only major sport without a scoreboard, everyone pretty much knows who won the fight. Yes there are some razor close decisions but when one fighter clearly beats the other I am so sick and tired of watching a trainer run in the ring and pick his guy up like he just defeated Muhammad Ali. You know, your fighter knows, the announcer knows, and all of the fans know, you just lost. I am not saying you ever accept defeat, but after your fighter just threw 13 punches a round vs. a Top Rank world champion, we all know there ain’t no way in hell you are getting this decision.
Take your money, your smeedium Affliction shirt, and your corny nickname out of the ring and back to the locker room and off to oblivion.
3. Wearing the jersey of an athlete over 10 years or more younger than you.
As I stated earlier, I am all for fan support. I myself cheer for my teams like a madman. But one thing I will not do is wear the jersey of a player younger than me. I may have it autographed and framed to hang in my man’s room. But I cannot go to the mall, spend $150 some odd dollars on the jersey of someone 15 years younger than. Yes I realize that may be vain, or even egotistical that I cannot bring myself to wear the jersey of another man, but it’s deeper than that. If I bought the jersey of a college football player who is 19 years old, he wasn’t even born when I was 19. Think about that for a second.
Ask yourself this important question, can you really ever look at an athlete that is half your age in the same heroic light in which you admired players from your youth? I know I can’t and you shouldn’t either.
4. Dropping a foul ball or home run while wearing a glove.
If you are going to attend a baseball game and take a baseball mitt, you simply cannot drop a foul ball or a home run. Unless you are a kid (and therefore allowed to wear a jersey) and you drop the ball while attempting to make the catch with a mitt, you should be ejected immediately. No refund, no time to finish your beer, just slowly walked out in a gust shame to your car and sent home.
5. Thanking God for the victory after competing like a sinner.
I am all for being humble and being grateful, especially in victory. But I have long tired of the athlete turned evangelist in post game interviews. Look you just spent the last 4 quarters calling opponents all types of insults, and cussing at the referees, and being stressed out over every possession, but amazingly you knew you would win all along because it was all God’s will.
Like God doesn’t have enough things in the world to worry about between wars on multiple continents, famine ravished countries in Africa, disease spread all over South America, yet for some reason he (or she) took the (interest) time to watch the Milwaukee Bucks vs. the Oklahoma City Thunder on a random Tuesday night in February. Are you serious? God does not care who wins the BCS national championship, or who is the Yankees middle reliever, or if some British golfer chokes down the back 9. If God cared so much about sports Notre Dame might actually win a meaningful game every now and then.
You spend all your money on cars, jewelry, and flowers for your mistress, yet you want to thank god before you answer how you guys out rebounded the opponent? Stop talking in 3rd person, get oh 3-5 less tattoos on your neck, and live like a Christian, and then thank the almighty.
6. “Professional” wrestling:
I will NEVER for the life of me understand people’s fascination with the “sport” of professional wrestling. Not only is it blatantly fake, it is chalk full of cheesy cartoonish story lines that would only fascinate a 4 year old. Between the fake tans, blatant steroid use, and stereotypes; I not only find the idea of it boring, but I am petrified for the future of this once great country that so many parents actually watch or attend these events.
The elementary story lines of Monday night Raw make a Tyler Perry film look like Hamlet. It is entertainment at its lowest common intellectual denominator. Half naked women, flying chairs, and horrible nicknames microwaved into 2 hours. If I wanted to watch that nonsense I would watch MMA.
Anyone that watches wrestling and is above a 3rd grade reading level should be banned from attending all real sporting events and must travel by greyhound until they get their G.E.D.
7. Celebrating a first down play down by more than 3 touchdowns.
If you are down more than 3 scores in the 2nd half of a football game you are automatically thrown out of the game for celebrating a first down or a sack. This rule would be unreviewable as well.
The Lions used to have a wide receiver by the name of Roy Williams. Yes that same guy that got turned down in his proposal attempt this pass off-season where the young lady told him no and kept the ring. He can currently be seen on Sundays stealing money from the Chicago Bears.
He was the king of celebrating one decent play in an otherwise dreadful performance by his team. It mattered none to him that the Lions were down 28-3 with 5 minutes left in the game. If he got a first down reception he would strut 5 yards down field and give an emotional first down signal.
Every time he did that I wanted to stab him in the trachea with an ice pick. Are you serious? “We” are down by almost 4 touchdowns, you have done absolutely nothing all day but whiff on blocks and drop a touchdown pass, and NOW you want to celebrate?
And the back up defensive end who celebrates a sack on Tom Brady with his team trailing big, after Brady has already thrown for 423 yards is the defensive equivalent of Roy Williams.
I am all for end zone celebrations, and I despise that the NFL has tried to legislate fun out of the game, but celebrating your personal achievement while your team is getting pummeled is unforgivable.
8. Multiple fantasy league participants while being a parent.
It takes a ton of effort and love to be a good parent. And while I have no kids myself, the best pair of parents that have ever graced God’s green earth raised me. I have however won several fantasy football and basketball leagues. I know the commitment it takes to be great in the world of fantasy sports.
But you cannot tell me you are best maximizing your time as a parent if you are in 7 fantasy leagues. You cannot chose to spend time answering all of your trade requests and your daughter is getting a C in American history. If you are in several fantasy leagues as a parent not only should all of your kids at least be on the honor roll, but also your son better not have the shooting form of Bill Cartwright, or I am calling child protective services personally. Get your priorities in order parents.
9. There is not one NBA player outside of Shane Battier that has EVER admitted to committing a foul.
I have seen players damn near behead an opposing player, with a small medieval spiked mace and turn to the ref complaining when the whistle blows. I realize that the referees are human and they are not only prone to make mistakes but they show certain teams and players favoritism.
But if I have to see Kobe Bryant run down a ref sobbing like a newborn baby after gauging the eye of an opponent I am going to stab a hamster. Not to pick on Kobe because he is far from the only chronic crying offender, in fact the guy he literally based his entire adult hood after, Michael Jordan was just as bad if not worst.
Fellas, its ok to admit that you fouled someone. There is no shame in it. I think the refs in the NBA across the board are horrible, but I also think they have the hardest sport in which to referee. And ironically the guys that get the most calls (Kobe, Lebron, Wade) are also the ones that complain the most.
I think the players should be forced to watch the fouls they commit and their response to the whistle in the same Boy and Girls club that Lebron announced he was going to take his talents to south beach, and explain their actions to those under privileged kids.
10. American League pitchers must lead off the following inning after beaming a batter (Pedro Martinez rule)
There is nothing more unmanly in all of sports than an American League picture throwing at opposing teams batters knowing full well he doesn’t have to stand in the batters box himself. I propose that if a pitcher is throwing at batters, not just hitting them on accident, which happens form time to time, but when a pitcher is trying to be intimidating and owning the plate, he should be man enough to face the heat himself.
At the start of the very next inning after throwing at a batter, regardless of who’s up in the order, that pitcher HAS to bat. Period. I don’t care if Babe Ruth came back to life and got a hold of Mark Mcguire’s steroid stash, he has to wait his turn because the pitcher now has to stand in face the heat. I would have loved to have seen Roger Clemons pitch in the National league at some point in his career and see exactly how tough he was.
As my boy Chuck Chillout likes to say: “It ain’t no fun when the rabbit got the gun.”
11. Professional athletes cannot get married till at least 32 years old.
Out of all of these commandments this may be the most serious. As someone who is both older than 32, and about to get married, I think what these guys have to realize is, not only how sacred marriage is as in institution, but furthermore what a horrific financial mistake they are embarking upon getting married to young.
The facts are the facts. Most marriages in the United States do not work out. And I would imagine that statistic worsens when you add both fame and fortune to the toxic equation that is supposed to be the lifelong commitment of marriage. So what in your cotton-picking mind makes you think you and your high school sweat heart are going to be different?
I understand that she is the only one you can trust. She was with you when you had nothing. You were wearing hand me down cross color jeans and had to hitch rides from family members just to make it to AAU basketball games. And now that you have multiple homes, fly first class, and make more in a week then your parents made in a lifetime, you want to reward her. It makes total sense to me. BUT you and I both know that rewarding her with a ring and a car isn’t all you are going to reward her with. You are going to reward her with sleepless nights of uncontrollable paranoia, and STD or two, a step child by Becky, and future on life in television on basketball wives Seattle part 16.
We obviously live in a free country. And with that freedom comes consequences. And having spent a lot of time around professional athletes the caliber of woman that are literally at their disposal in every city across this country would turn Doogie Houser straight. I am not making excuses for them, I am jsut being realistic. No man I have ever met has that level of discipline to not slip up. It is inevitable. and because of that I say don’t get married.
I say do like my boy Derek Jeter. And no I don’t mean let old white mean cut your hair; I mean play the field until you retire. Derek still has a squeaky clean image, makes millions in endorsements and is a future Hall of Fame player. But one of the best ways he ever escaped scandal was not pretending. He never preached on television about his religion, his wife and his commitment to her. He told us all there is not a woman in this world I cannot have, and watch me do it. Derek had a game plan and he stuck to it. Other athletes take note.
Just missed:
Having a family reunion in the ring during introductions:
This has gone too far. Seriously. Look I realize that every fighter has a team, and wants those closest to him to be in the ring showing their support, but do we really need to see your entire neighborhood in there with you? I get it, you’re from the hood and all but does every single non-incarcerated crip member in North America need to be inside the ropes?
Do you see all of Akron being introduced when Lebron is introduced for the Miami Heat? Does Aaron Rogers bring 30 people out to midfield for the pre game coin toss?
Boxing is the only sport where security guards, wives, kids, managers, male groupies, personal assistants, Sam Watson’s and his two boys, the fighters personal jeweler, the rap friend, more male groupies, and your chick on the side are all there at one time for the athletes introduction.
One of these days after a controversial ending to a fight we are going to see an all out riot in the ring. If it were up to me, there were only be the actual corner people and the promoters in the ring along side with the referee, the two combatants and Michael Buffer. That’s it.
What commandments did I miss?