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    High Schoolers' English Paper Analogies

    The Washington Post held a contest where HS English teachers sent in the worst analogies from their students' papers over the years. Some of these are GREAT.

    Here's some examples:

    He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
    Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Canít Believe Itís Not Butter.
    The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldnít.


    Forever trying to find a cure for the Dunning-Kruger Effect.

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    Re: High Schoolers' English Paper Analogies

    Quote Originally Posted by isucyfan View Post
    The Washington Post held a contest where HS English teachers sent in the worst analogies from their students' papers over the years. Some of these are GREAT.

    Here's some examples:

    Those are funny, but that last one is a rip off of this Douglas Adams line.

    The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't
    I sincerely hope that the teacher failed that kid.


    "What a horrible night to have a curse."
    -Simon Belmont

    "Please bury me with all my stuff, because you know it's mine..."
    -Master Shake

    "Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood."
    -Lorem Ipsum

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    Re: High Schoolers' English Paper Analogies

    Oops, forgot the link to the rest of them:

    56 worst/best analogies of high school students | The Lost Eyeball


    Forever trying to find a cure for the Dunning-Kruger Effect.

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    Re: High Schoolers' English Paper Analogies

    Some of these are pure gold.



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    Re: High Schoolers' English Paper Analogies

    not an analogy but funny either way

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:
    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.



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    Re: High Schoolers' English Paper Analogies

    12 and 13 are solid:

    The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.

    McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.


    Kansas Must Be Destroyed

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    Re: High Schoolers' English Paper Analogies

    Quote Originally Posted by hawkeyeh8r View Post
    not an analogy but funny either way

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:
    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

    Oh I love people that take chain e-mails as gospel.

    snopes.com: Endothermic or Exothermic?



  8. #8
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    Re: High Schoolers' English Paper Analogies

    1. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup

    She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

    The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.



    I don't what's going on with the formatting here but those are all very solid analogies. I especially like the simple Phil one.


    It's all snark from here on out

  9. #9
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    Re: High Schoolers' English Paper Analogies

    Quote Originally Posted by yaman3 View Post
    1. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup

    She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

    The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.



    I don't what's going on with the formatting here but those are all very solid analogies. I especially like the simple Phil one.
    No, those are pretty bad.

    "It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall."

    I know how easy it is to do that.


    He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.

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    Re: High Schoolers' English Paper Analogies

    48. I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.



  11. #11
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    Re: High Schoolers' English Paper Analogies

    He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.



  12. #12
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    Re: High Schoolers' English Paper Analogies

    These are great. Love this one:

    1. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at asolar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.



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