A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Fighting for peace is like ******* for virginity.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a *****.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
If sex is a pain in the ***, then you're doing it wrong...
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an *******.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one ***** and it is gone.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
When in doubt, mumble.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.